Inchcock Today: Thurs 12th Feb 15: Stay at home day

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Thursday 12th February 2015

Didn’t get off to kip until gone 0300hrs despite feeling drained.

Up at 0517 hrs and WC’d, bleeding from the back-end.

Started laptop and took me medications.

Staying in today until or if the Serif-Draw package is delivered.

The knees were bad, and the wind from all quarters chronic really never ending. I’m thinking of calling at the Army & Navy surplus stores for a gas-mask for misssen? But all other medical ailment not bad at all, even Anne Gyna is behaving herself.

I phoned sister Jane to see what time I should meet her tomorrow to go to the hospital with her, bit of support like cause she don’t like going bless her. Hubby Pete said he could not go with her because they had the fish being delivered on Friday and he had to wait in for it.

I finished and posted yesterday’s diary and did some graphics, but Coreldraw9 crashed again.

0406drawThe DrawPlusx6 package came though the letterbox – I was anticipating a courier delivering it and it being a lot larger because I’d ordered a manual with it, it was just a CD along with the very thin manual. When I’ll get time to install it and learn how it works I’m not sure.

0401ShrbI titivated myeself and got the Nottingham Hospice things in me bag, visited the porcelain and set off on me walk into Sherwood

I managed about six yards and realised I’d still got me reading glasses on, so returned and got me bi-focal spectacles on.

I poddled down to Mansfield Road and

turned left at St John’s Church to find some 0402artbrand new Nottingham Street Art just before the bus-stop.

As I was photographing this original piece of Yobbo-art I espied a burke-on-a-bike approaching so managed to get a shot of the git coming – being reprimanded – and going.

I quoted loudly my usual “If you’re too 0403Cyclscared to ride on the road you shouldn’t be on a bike youth!”

His one word reply reminded me I’d got a visit to the genito urinary clinic coming up soon.

0404SherwOnward up the hill, down the hill, and up the next hill into Sherwood and the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and left me bits for them.

I called in the take-away food shop and got something to take home and reheat later – chicken in batter and roast potatoes £3.50 and very tasty it was too.

As I came out of the food shop there was an altercation going on between a group of chaps that was getting verbally heated with all the signs of it about to develop into physical violence showing.

I hobbled away and stood to watch them from a safe distance.

No idea what language they were speaking in such anger, Eastern European of some sort I think.

The police arrived and one of the officers spoke their tongue and that seemed to calm them all down.

I moved on down the hill and continued me walk back to Carrington.

0505signOutside the Methodist Chapel… no they call them Churches nowadays, in my younger days the Primitive Methodists called them Halls or Chapels, the new sign caught my attention and made me ponder on it. If only it were true we would be a lot wiser.

Got back to the hovel and reheated and consumed me nosh – lovely it were.

Tiredness and fatigue overcame me again and I soon fell asleep. Missed both me midday and evening medication doses today… oh dear…

At least I managed to get some kip in – not before time either.

TTFN all.

Analysis of Inchcock by the Professionals

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Analysis of Inchcock by the Professionals

Marissa Bergen-Kruel PsyD and PhD, Hard Rock and Dancer/performer, and Inchcock’s nemesis, the head honcho at the the David Levine Psychoanalyst Unlimited group of Medical Professionals, West Riverside Bank, Burbank CA, who the NHS had called her in at phenomenal cost to help them to analyse and understand Inchcock problems said:

Woes“The study evaluated the ability if 5 different fear classification procedures to discriminate between 3 fear levels and to correlate with 6 commonly used dependent measures of fear. A standardised fear assessment procedure was administered on 2 separate trials to Inchcock. Following the completion of the assessment trials Inchcock’s were scored and regrouped according to 5 fear classification procedures (behavioural – self-report – skin conductive level – skin response amplitude and heart rate.

Then I and my assistant and body guard, retired mouse-droppings counter at McDonalds, Mike Steeden made intensive investigations and interviews with Medical and Emergency staff who have in the past had to deal with Inchcock while trying their best to keep a professional approach. With the aim of filtering out Inchy’s past history and appraising the answers individually and accumulatively to form the basis for a report, after  we have interviewed and interrogated Inchcock ourselves.

After utilising the mammoth records on Inchcock that the NHS held we found several professionals who had been unfortunate enough to have been chosen to treat Inchcock’s many ailments. Ex-Social Worker and Nuclear Physicist Shirley Blamey who had treated Inchcock for depression and lack of social nous a few years ago was asked if she could remember any of the problems he’s been suffering with then and did she manage to help or cure any of them.

She pondered a few moments and said: “Oh Gawd… yes. He’s still a virgin you know, but his lack of experience, minuscule appendage and rampant uncontrollable emissions of wind from his rear quarters meant I had to try something new, different and a little under hand to help him”.

EHx05I asked Shirley if she would like to go in the in the Dog & Fiddle for a drink while we carry on the interview and she agreed.

I ordered myself an absinthe and dandelion and burdock and Shirl had a single malt on the rocks and we continued the interview: “Ah yes” quipped Shirley “the Inchcock saga – you see I thought if he could get used to women actually liking him… well believing they did, he could gain some confidence and be interested in learning how to treat them see…”

“Sounds a gigantic challenge that Shirl girl” I said as I snapped my fingers at the cute bar man demanding two more of the same here, Shirl continued “Oh it was, I had to put into place a convoluted plan, I pretended to be a woman who fancied him and sent him some emails and letters…”

“Go on, go on…”

“Well in me last email I asked him to send me a photo of his lower regions like… cunning eh?”

“Why’s that then?”

“Well if he did send one I could have a good laugh at it… no no I mustn’t be cruel it’s not his fault is it?… Gerrum in again gal…”

“Alright Shirl” my fingers snapped at the by now even more cute looking bar man and she carried on with the story.

“Well do yer know he sent me a photo…”

“No!”

“Yes”

“Was it of his…”

“No” Shirl interjected “It was of his Arthritic knees!”

“Bloody hell, and they expect me to help him?”

Marissa Bergen-Kruel PsyD and PhD, Hard Rock and Dancer/performer, and Inchcock’s nemesis, and head honcho at the the David Levine Psychoanalyst Unlimited group of Medical Professionals, West Riverside Bank, Burbank CA will be reporting more on her exploits with Inchcock’s ailments and her other interviews with medical professionals for their views and story’s to follow.

Inchcock Interview to be aired on Radio Nottingham – (Updated)

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Nottingham pensioner Juan Inchcock (69) retired Sanitary Towel machine oiler and filler-upperer , well known locally for his hatred and ridiculing of cyclist on pavements, mad mobility scooter drivers and soggy chips has been invited by Radio Nottingham’s Shirley Blamey to have a chance to answer questions phoned in directly from Nottingham cyclists and mobility scooter drivers on the air.

Station Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden had originally objected to the BBC management at having to include Inchcock on the show.

BBC0001

Marissa Bergen (Left) interviews studio Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden. 

Mr Steeden explained when our reporter Marissa Bergen interviewed him: “Due to the well known flatulence problems the old chap suffers with, his temperamental bladder, his uncouth appearance and lack of social skills, his falling asleep when one is talking to him, I can’t understand a word of his thick Nottingham accent…”

He paused to get his breath a moment and continued “If he falls down he can’t get up again – and he does a lot of that… falling down. A health and safety risk he is… He can’t hear what one is saying even with his hearing-aids in, he’s blind as a bat, wonders off at a whim, if he sees a pigeon or mallard duck we’ve totally lost him!

Marissa squirmed and said: “You don’t like him do you?”

“Not a lot” Mike replied “He’s as thick as two-planks, uneducated and limps about Nottingham taking photos of pigeons, mallard ducks on the canal, cyclists on the pavement, what he thinks are dangerous mobility scooter drivers… in fact the twit is trying to get up a movement to get Government to bring in driving tests, insurance requirements, alcohol content tests for the drivers and is currently designing a ‘Stinger’ for them that he can and says he will use? He’s potty…”

At this point an assistant came into the room and handed Mr Steeden a note, which he read and pondered on for a short while, then told the assistant: “Tell the boss I agree.”

He turned to face Marissa and quipped: “Of course it takes all sort to make a rich colourful mix of citizens in Nottingham and I have to show a magnanimous side in the job – so I’ve decided to allow Shirley to do the interview with Inchcock, but we must get Inchcock in for a ‘Set-the-rules’ meeting. Any other questions Ms Bergen?

“Er… no.. I…” Mike left the room rapidly calling for his assistant as he left?

BBC02aA confused Marissa put her things back in her bag and noticed Mike had left the note brought in my his assistant on the table, so took a BBC001peep at it.

It seemed that Inchcock had promised goodies for Mr Steeden if he did the interview, including his collection of ‘Parade Magazines’ 1958 > 1962.

BBC02Mr Steeden and Ms Blamey arranged to meet Inchcock for the ‘set-the-rules-meeting and they took publicity photographs outside a strangers house for the press, because they didn’t want to show Inchcock’s house and him getting letters of sympathy from the public.

The discussion didn’t go well at all – Inchcock was so besotted with Shirley and passing wind continuously his concentration was non-existent. They has to hope for the best and arranged for Inchy to come to the Nottingham Radio station at a BBC01specific time for the interview.

Plans had to be made protect the staff there during the interview and they all met to agree on the best defence and Shirley came with a mock-up of a Swedish Anit-Germ Containment unit with a cardboard cut out of Inchcock in it to show her idea off.

They all willingly agreed to hire one on the day, nervously…

BBC03On the morning of the interview Inchcock arrived in plenty of time, but was unfortunately he was still wearing his pajamas.

Much to the horror of Shirley and started his hands wandering where they should not be wandering, being unable to control his passion and desire for her.

Being the ultimate professional Ms Blamey belted him on the back of his head and threw him out, telling him to get back home and change into some normal day wear clothes. She arranged transport for him there and back to the studios. Kindly making sure he had his bus-pass with him first.

BBC04Inchcock looked a little hurt and sad as he wiped the blood from his wounds and left the building, head down to catch a bus home to his flea-pit.

As he alighted from his bus a mobility scooter very nearly had him over and an uncontrollable hatred raged as he dragged the driver from the scooter to give him a jolly good belting around his head and admonish him for his careless driving…

BBC05The man head-butted Inchcock, threw him over his shoulder onto the pavement and kicked him in the head a few times then hit him on his forehead with one of the two dozen bottles of 8.4 proof Apple cider from his mobility scooter shopping basket while cursing loudly.

The paramedics attending Inchy told the press that Inchcock would not be in any fit state to do any radio interviews for quite a while yet.

Shirley and Mike were cheered-up no end when they heard.

Inchcock Today: Laundry, shopping and not much else… Inchcock well tired!

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Tuesday 10th February 2015

Decent kip, got a few hours in and remembered bit of some dreams wot I’d ‘ad:

I wus tangled up in a barbed wire fence, but felt no pain as I tore off fingers flesh and lost an eye in me vain struggle to free missen – then some aliens landed and stood and looked at me for a while – then they tutted and got into a 1959 Standard Vanguard car they had taken out of their space-pod thing and drove off, me shouting after them that they could not drive ‘ere without a proper licence…?

I found myself in a kamikaze fighter, but it was a British one, and although a Fairly Swordfish torpedo fighter it had a sat-nav on the pilots dash and Tony Blairs voice was shouting out which of the Iraqi trawlers to dive into…?

Hey-ho!

I tried to get up to use the WC and was aching in both shoulders and Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna grumbling a bit and bleeding from me haemorrhoids.

This is not going to be a good day I felt…

Cuppa and medications taken, laptop started and did some graphics for later – until Coreldraw9 froze again. Had to go through force shutting down and restarting procedure.

Got me laundry togs ready, then had a spruce-up. I used the new three-bladed Bic razor this morning – it didn’t take too much time to stem the bleeding.

I was determined not to forget anything today. Hahaha!

Set off with me bags of washing and realised I had not got me mobile phone in me pocket. Tsk!

Found Big John already there.

Bertha was on duty today and we all had a little natter and I gave her her nibbles.

0201LI had to use one big and the one small machine. Read me booke while BJ went to the cafe for his breakfast.

When the machines had stopped and I was taking the clothes out to put in the drier a ‘Clunk’ was heard… as the flipping mobile phone fell to the floor!

Boy was I annoyed with missen!

I suppose I’d left the ruddy thing in the pocket of one of me far-to-long-but-very-comfortable and warm pyjama pockets?

0202mph

Wet and dead… and only 6 months old. (Well I had her for six months) Just my barrow too, simple and uncomplicated. Tsk!

BJ took it to pieces to see if it could be rescued but no, it was a gonna!

Good job it was only a cheapo old one.

He said for me to go to Asda with him and we’ll see if the SimCard still worked and I could a cheap phone would work on the EE network wot it is on.  Bless him.

Bertha couldn’t stop laughing! At least I’d made someone happy today.

BJ was not too happy with me rampant flatulence in his car as he took me to Asda, but he understood all the same.

I was feeling weary and tired without a good reason now.

0203asdaWe arrived at the Asda superstore and I spotted a dirty great big bird sat on top of the Asda sign above the entrance and got me camera out but was too late. I think it might have been a sparrow-hawk if your interested in knowing wot it wus I missed…

We went to the electrical department first to sort out a mobile phone, but there was no one there. Another member of staff told us that they were on break upstairs and would be back in ‘a bit’.

So we split and did us shopping to meet up at the check-out later then try again for the phone.

As I pottered about getting some beef and onions slices, yoghurt, jellies, bleach, disinfectant and bread feeling even more drained now, BJ came to me and said we’ll go now to see about the phone because he had frozen foods in his trolley.

So we did.

They had (In the cheaper simpler older phone range like) four to choose from and one was just like the one that I’d drowned in soapy water and on a fiver… yes £5, so I got that one and the kind lady seeing me struggling with trying to get me old sim-card into it did it for me.

It worked okay. Phew!

0204msAs we left the car park and stopped at the traffic lights I apologised to BJ again fer me unplanned escapages of wind, and noticed a chap on a mobility scooter almst skid to a halt and jumped put of it and into a Chicken & Pizza parlour take-away, I’ve seen anyone move so quick. Young lad he was.

0205bjBJ dropped me off at the flea-pit and handed me me shopping and laundry.

I thanked him and off he went home.

Before putting owt away I wearily climbed the stairs to the WC – bit worried now about why I feel so drained and tired?

Maybe it was some sort of aftershock after me Whoopsiedangleplop the other day? Don’t like feeling like this.

0206coinPut the washing away, then the nosh and made a flask ot tea and went up to start this diary.

Found a giant chocolate £1 coin I’d forgotten about getting yesterday for the launderette gals.

Wish I could think of something funny to write about it.

0205cnmpCan anyone help me out with a caption please?

Crickey, I’m sneezing like a good un now. Huh!

I put the new mobile on charge and almost fell asleep doing this diary?

Sad innit?

Hope to have some microwave sausage sarnies later, if I can stay awake that is.

It makes a change from not being able to sleep, mind you I ain’t nodded off yet.

Enjoyed me sausage sandwiches and spent a few hours trying y nod-off without any luck – odd innit how when one (Note I slipped in a Royal ‘One’ there) is feeling so tired and drained and still can’t sleep?

I might ask Mr Cameron about that.

TTFN.

The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Security Guarding Woes – The brick works

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The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Security Guarding Woes

The Tunnel Chase: A rare Victory – Well… when I say victory…

AC001thermI was assigned to an out of the way Brick making company just outside of Nottingham. The site was spread over three square miles on the brow of a hill between two roads.

At the bottom. the offices, then the storage park, the massive workshops, then mud up to a tunnel with a conveyor belt, that I could walk through up to the gigantic waste tip at the top of the hill for patrolling/responses.

It was a Saturday night, the only night there was no workers at the plant. I was on a spot patrol up at the tip, checking the gates there.

AC001therm

As I turned to make my way back to the conveyor tunnel, I spotted a bloke doing a runner into the tunnel – the chase was on!

I RT’d control as I pursued the intruder, asking for back-up.

As I reached the entrance to the tunnel, I slipped on the wet mud, and slid down on my rear-end at great ever increasing speed and pain.

My RT, torch, hat, and dignity were lost on the slopes of that tunnel.

As I exited the bottom of the tunnel, my heart jumped as I was launched into the air.

I landed on the intruder.

As we struggled on the ground, the night manager (who had external gate keys) arrived on the scene, quickly followed by the police.

They apprehended the youth, and said they have called an ambulance for me, how did I feel?

When I realised they thought I’d bravely tackled the intruder through heroism and dedication, I did not want to lose that rare moment of praise.

We went to the gatehouse to sort out the paperwork etc, and there I noticed in the mirror that I did look injured, with all the red mud/dust I’d picked up on my bum-ski down the tunnel, had made my face look injured.

I convinced them that I was alright, just a few bruises and nicks. They cancelled the ambulance, and I continued to relish the part of being the hero.

The police left, and I went to the gate to see off the night manager, secured the gate, and got back to clean myself up and get on with my duties.

One of which, was to start the kiln at 0500hrs.

Could I find the keys?

It took me hours searching that bloody tunnel before I found them, started the kiln late and got a rollicking from the manager for me bother!

Inchcock Today Mon 9th Feb 15: Hassle Bother and Frustration Day!

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Sunday 9th February 2015

I stirred about 030ohrs – WC (no blood but plenty of pain), made a cuppa, started laptop put heater on.

Angina bad, arthritis fair, ulcers, blue bruises and aches from me Whoopsiedangleplop abating nicely.

Finalised yesterday’s diary and posted it.

Laptop making odd bleeping noises? Maybe my catching the flippin’ ‘unturnoffable’ touch pad had caused it?

Did me contributions for LOMM.

Then Facebooked a bit, keeping an eye on the time so I’m not late for me Queens Medical Centre INR tests.

I’m not feeling in the slightest bit anacreontic this morning.

I had to attend to the back passage again – yer know like, clean up the blood and tenderise the little mites with the cream, had a dizzy while doing this… it’s the revealing of little every day facts like this that keep me going yer know? Hehehe!

Got the bag of goodies ready for the nurses at the QMC and one for the staff at the clinic. Then made sure I’d got me hearing aids  in, right glasses on me nose, angina tabs, blood swabs, right shoes and clothes on, bird seed, mallard earthworms, medications and hearing aid fresh batteries with me etc. and proudly set off to catch the bus to town.

0101frostBuy Jiminy it were colder than I thought when I set out, the cars and road were still covered in a thick jack-frost.

Brrr!

I got to the end of the road and realised I’d not got me mobile phone with me so returned and collected it. (Thought I was doing well like – Tsk!)

Off again, fed the pigeons while I thought no one was looking and caught a bus into town – a very full bus with a big bloke sat on one seat with his bag on the one next to him and people standing! Couldn’t believe it – I approached him and asked him nicely to move his bag so an elderly lady could sit down. He started using broken English and smiling but was not getting the message – I picked up his bag and put it on his  lap – this he didn’t like and suddenly spoke perfect English to admonish me… luckily this triggered some other passengers on the bus to offer me support and he gave up and put it back on his lap – fuming openly! The lady thanked me for intervening bless her. I’m just glad that he didn’t get physical because he wont half a big un… Phew!

I gorroff the bus and nipped into the Poundshop to get a pack of the cheapo Lion bars.

Out and across the road and caught a bus out to the Queens Medical Centre – and remembered en-route I had forgotten to take me Anticoaguation card with me – Blimey what will I forget next? No problem though I thought, plenty of time before the clinic appointment. I’ll nip up the D floor and get a copy from the Anticoagulation clinic first – they seem to accept the fact that I’m going gaga and don’t say too much about it when I forget more often than take it with me on me appointment days recently, bless them.

Feeling a bit ‘Not-as-well-as-I-should’ like, I took the lift up today – eventually!

Not having used them before, I got in the first one to arrive, nobody warned me of the scrum skills one needs to survive the experience against the opposition squad lift users team.

Anyroad, it went down to A (I was on B), thinking it would to go up then, it did to B, then down to A, then up to B, then down to A, then up to back to B – despite my pressing the D floor button. Everyone who fought their way into it got off without a word, I assumed after growing a beard that this lift must be dedicated to use between these two floors – but why the other floors option buttons?

So I abandoned the lift and waited for another. This one got me to D floor – I’d almost forgotten why I was going to D floor by now… Hehe.

I went in and joined the queue, and when my turn at the reception came the lady looked up saw me, cocked her head to one side and gave me her standard look that said clearly “Oh dear him again” – I didn’t have to explain why I’d called. She asked if I’d got me Alert Card with me – I had and handed it to her and she printed of a new record card for me. I have to keep the Alert Card with me at all time and show it any medical professional before being treated – so they don’t kill me with aspirin or whatever. This is the lady that kindly printed me a spare card a few weeks when I lost the one I had saying: “I’ll print off a spare for when you lose this one…” Bless her cotton socks.

0103qmcI limped down the stairs rather than risk the lists again to B floor.

There were many folk in the queue and I took me ticket and sat down to fill in me form… taking a crappily took photo of them from behind first.

Now more bother and hassle dawned – I realised that I should not have attended today – I knew as soon as I saw next Mondays date on the newly printed Record Card yer know – I pick up on things like that… eventually sometimes!

What a class one dick-head with bar I am!

Feeling rather embarrassed and ashamed of meself again – I walked into the blood room and gave the nurses their nibble carrier bag and told them wot I’d done – it says a lot that none of them said owt, just accepted it as normal like? Oh dear.

The next bit of hassle then came:

Phoning the clinic to see if I was due there today. Luckily I had the number in me mobile – but could I understand what whoever answered the phone was saying? No! Luckily a woman stood next time heard my difficulties wot I was having and took the mobile and spoke for me asking them wot I asked – No clinic today, it’s next Tuesday! I thanked the lady profusely and red faced I left the hospital.

0102ArtWhich is not the place I expected to see any Nottingham Canine Street Art really. But there it was about twelve foot from the hospital entrance.

I thought I’d catch a bus into Bulwell and go and see if any of the freezer shops had got any of me favourite blackcurrant and ice-cream lollies in stock yet. They hadn’t.

Soon caught  35 Bus into Bulwell, and had a go at me crosswords en-route, even managed to get a few answers to some I’d started weeks ago.

0104msI assembled all the photos I took in Bulwell Market of the mobility scooter drivers here in the short while I visited.

Only two of them threatened me today, bad enough – but what really wrangles is they didn’t even notice!

Back to the Diary proper:

More hassle!

I got off of the bus at Bulwell bus-station and as I stepped off the curb to cross over to the river Leen to see if any mallards were about to feed like – I slipped off the curb.

This did not stop me crossing over to the river Leen to see if any mallards were about to feed like – I just did it with a slightly more pronounced limp than usual as the graze on me ankle bone bled a bit. Huh!

0105mallThere were only a few of the mallard ducks about, the river was flowing very fast and the wind was bad. They seemed very nervous today.

I’ve noticed that in these conditions often they are absent all together, but I gave them a few handfuls of meal-worms and quacked back their thanks.

I found there was none of me favourite lollies available on sale anywhere.

Had a walk around looking in the cheapo shops – at Fulton’s they had some of the pots of instant mash in again so I got a few, and some Honey flavoured yoghurt.

0106busStatI was soon back at the Bus-station waiting in the queue for the bus back to Carrington – where a bit of hassle took place, but not for me.

A rather mephitic verbal argument took place between two women.

I was intrigued and tempted to catch the next bus and listen in on their…er discussion, but decided with my luck today best not to.

0107carringt2Soon got back to Carrington and as I walked from the bus-stop over the hill, I saw an opportunity to try and take another ‘Atmospheric picture’ of down the hill on Hucknall Road. The shadow cast by the old tree did it for me.

When I’d got into the hovel, WC’d and made a cuppa I started the laptop to down load the photo’s I’d taken – but the last one was not as good as I intended. I took the opportunity to try using me new Serif-draw package to see it I could do something with it to make it look a bit different.

I managed to make it look different but was not pleased with me effort overall though. But when I get time I’ll have a go again with Serif to see if I can master it like. It operates so differently to Coreldraw9 – well it operates without freezing like Coreldraw9 up to now! But I’ve not tried anything demanding of power on it yet.

Not all bad today though, the chip on the ankle is not bad at all, the arthritis is bearable, no bother at all from the ulcer, the piles are no worse than yesterday and not, I say not bleeding at this time, the new ticker is ticking only the angina is bothersome.

Made another cuppa and took me medications.

Tonight I plan to have microwave sausages, instant potatoes with cheese granules, yoghurt and a mug of tea.

0108

Tongue-in-cheek little fib…

And to think that all Prince William and Kate Middleton had at there pad was a starter of dressed crab from Wales, accompanied with mini crab timbale (mousse), crayfish and prawns, described by one guest as “exquisitely delicious”.

A main course of lamb fillet from Highgrove “done three ways” followed, before being treated to a trio of mini-puddings of trifle, chocolate fondant and home-made ice-cream in brandy-snap baskets.

The meal, which lasted around two hours, was served with wines, thought to be from the Buckingham Palace and Clarence House cellars, described by another guest as “stunningly good” – a white Meursault Burgundy and Pomerol claret. Then the petit-fours and coffee.

I really don’t want to make them jealous!

When it came to noshing I realised I’d got me two beef and onion slices to eat within a days use by date, so had them with a pot of instant mash with cheese granules.

Not bad.

Inchcock Today: Sun 8th Feb 15: Still suffering from me Whoopsiedangleplop!

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Sunday 8th February 2015

I must have been drained because I slept for longer than I have in ages – managed about 8 hours, and when I woke up I stayed there for a while noting down bits from me dreams.

Underground in sewer like passages – many peope with me that I felt I knew but could not put a name to them… Chasing or being chased.

On a gigantic car which I could not see owt of in front due to being 15 ft high… filling up with milk from cows in Paris somewhere?

That’s all I could recall.

01M08Made a cuppa and took me medications, then cleaned up the back area that had been bleeding copiously during the night.

When I stripped myself down (I know, an horrendous thought sorry about that), I noticed the blue bruises on me shoulder and thighs where me Whoopsiedangleplop had scarred the yesterday. Tsk!

Angina and arthritis fair, ulcer okay and I found me hearing aids.

WC.

Got on with an idea I had for a Questioning of my life ode. It took me much longer to refine it than I’d planned. It may come over as a bit morbid but was written with satire and humorous intentions.

WC.

Got it posted and then finished off yesterdays diary and posted that too.

Cut me toe nails (Painful job again) washed shaved and polished – then struggled to get change into me clean socks and togs.

Set off on me little poddle about in an effort to keep my knees lose.

Fed the pigeons, and walked down to Hucknall Road, cut through Clumber 0701CyclistAvenue onto Clumber Avenue and down Nottingham Road – on which I had a close call with chap on his bicycle on the pavement riding towards me.

You can see how close he came to clouting me with the proximity of his rear wheel in the second photograph. I go to the bottom of the hill and turned right into Gregory Boulevard, down to 0702footythe Forest Recreation Ground and cut through.

Nice to see some kids enjoying a football kick-about somewhere other than in the middle of the street.

The sky looked nice and scenic.

I got up the hill and turned right into Mansfield Road.

I took a photo of the old flats near the traffic islands and the vandalised bus-top. Apparently they are asking for £180 a week for one of them. Wish I could afford it, it would give an excellent view of the cyclists on the pavements and an easy target for me 303 when I get it reconditioned like.0704Lidl

I turned left towards Carrington and thought a nice photograph of the sky was called for here.

I popped into the Lidl concentration cam… I mean shop, to get some cobs and a tomatoe – I always like the furrowed brows of the check-out morons there when they see me wanting to buy one cob and one tomatoe. Hehehe!

I saw they had some Chips in cheese sauce at only 99p in the freezer .

So treat missen to a couple at that price.

Walked back the flea-pit glad I hadn’t gone on a long walk as the angina and Arthur Itis were bothering me then.

0705chipsGot in and after the customary WV visit, put the chips in the microwave for the recommended 6 minutes. Tested em, and gave em another two minutes – tested em and gave em another three minutes.

They tasted ‘orrible!

Must remember INR tests tomorrow.

Inchcock Today: Sat 7th Feb 2015: Aching all over after yesterday’s Whoopsiedangleplop!

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Saturday 7th February 2015

0512TopDflats

Photo of the Council’s old peoples flats – taken moments before me Whoopsiedangleplop down the muddy grassy knoll yesterday

Woke up and tried to find a bit of me body that didn’t ache or hurt… not an easy task this morning that.

Moved to the WC and the arthritis wasn’t too bad, but the angina kicked in straight away and from the agony from me rear it was obvious I needed to attend to me haemorrhoids and clean up a bit.

Left shoulder and elbow were stiff and tender and twinges from the neck reminded me of my Whoopsiedangleplop down the muddy grassy bank from yesterday.

Not sure if I should go out at all today, I’ve got… oh dear, now the fingers and hands have a visit from Arthur Itis. Typing is not easy when this happens with the digits.

I managed to get some kip last night though, fair enough I kept waking up every half hour or so, but at least I nodded off again.

0602

Sufferin’ summat rotten!

No wonder I feel so tired but it might have been worse. Oh, me rear end feels like it’s on fire, and the involuntary little escapages of wind are accompanied with a venomous aroma again!

So glad I live alone at times like this.

A heavy duty call to the porcelain and boy did I suffer. Nearly read a whole book while painfully struggling to painfully perform my required functions… Oh dear me!

Not good this.

Put me muddied trousers from yesterday in me wash bag. The mud on the shoes was not hard enough to remove yet so left em till later. Put me jeans and old leaking shoes on. 

0603Started this diary, then did some Facebooking and visitations to the porcelain.

Got the nibbles, camera and clothes packed up for the Nottingham Hospice shop and set off on me short walk into Sherwood.

The sky looked just grey, but it was not cold the wind was low and somebody’s Rap music was filtering into the ether from their window.

0604As I walked up the hill I managed to catch a cyclist on the pavement who was riding towards me, the little monkey!

At least he had his reflective coat and safety helmet on in the event that he had knocked me over he could claim I should have seen him coming and not hurt himself. Huh!

0605I hobbled on, the knees ankles and bruised shoulder manageable, onto Mansfield Road and up the first hill and down near the library the traffic was queuing and horns a pappping.

Up the secnd hill and over the pelican lights to the other side of the road and into the Nottingham Hospice shop with the bits for them.

The ankle and knees were a tad worse now, not surprising really after yesterday’s slide down the hill in the mud is it?

I could smell the food coming from the shop that sells cooked food and was tempted in to try some providing it would be safe for me to reheat the nosh in the microwave when I got home cause it would take me a good while to get there from here. I joined the queue and just as I was about to be served – realised I’d left me money in the other trousers.

Sheepishly I left the shop and called at the cash machine to get some money out – felt a fool again when I could not remember me number… ah thought I it’s in code on me mobile phone I think – that too was in the old trousers.

First attempt at the code on the machine failed, buy now a battalion of cash seeking Nottingham residents were a-tucking, swearing and tutting at me…

Second attempt and got it, more to the relief of those in the queue behind me than missen.

So back to the shop for me hot nosh – the queue was even longer now, hey-ho.

Didn’t know what food was what cause no signs on them. When the lady came to serve me I had to ask what was what like – much to the displeasure of the same bloke behind me who I’d just kept waiting at the cash point!

I inquired if the chilli and roast potatoes I’d just purchased where reheatable in a microwave and getting a positive reply, I put me head down and made me way through the crowds who’d been waiting behind me, a tad red-faced – me being red-faced not the crowd like.

0607Started me walk up the hill back to Carrington and hey-ho three – I say three cyclists on the pavement riding at me!

When they’d gone passed I photographed the little varmints.

Onward up the hill and struggling now with the ankle shoulder and knees. (Mind you, I really would struggle without um eh? Hehe!)

0606I noticed the traffic coming from the City Centre was at a standstill all the way up to the top of the hill.

The car you can see turning went into the road immediately in front of the photo in an attempt to take a short-cut or alternative route to avoid the traffic jam.

Not a local driver I’d have guessed, as the road is a one-way road – and he was then travelling the wrong way!

I ambled on limpingly and slowly getting back to the flea-pit eventually.

WC’d, put me chilli-con-carni (Is that how you spell it?) and roast spuds in the microwave, made a strong cuppa and watched an old film on YouTube.

I really did enjoy that nosh with a few slices of bread and a lemon yoghurt. Not too hot like wot I feared it might be either. Superb!

Started doing this diary update.

Current Health Update:

BBC01Knees not too bad now – Hands bad – Shoulder not good – Angina bad – Wind lethal on Defcon3.

I managed to finish the graphic for me upcoming blog at last.

I beginning to wonder if my scaevity was a gift from God, inherited or punishment?

Oh dear… I’m considering upgrading me Lethal Emmissions of Wind to Defcon 2…

Inchcock Questions His Life: In rhyme?

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Sad and depressed Inchcock thought with Venom and Zest about his life – In Rhyme!

Q02

Why when born his mother wanted to him disown?

Why so ugly, and doesn’t he know the meaning of homophone?

Why at five into the canal he was intimidatingly thrown?

Why is he so naturally accident-prone?

Why Mummy ran away leaving him and Dad alone?

Why his bother went into the army, his sister went off to Rome?

Why in later years he never tried methadone?

Why his Dad always refused to buy him a gramophone?

Why he didn’t what was a pheromone?

Why his deafness made other folk tut and groan?

Why did like the sound of the clarinet and saxophone?

Despite his musical ignorance he seemed to like the tone,

Why he never got fed food that was home grown?

Why he didn’t realise he’d no garden just grey stones?

Why his falling in love Cupid had to postpone?

Why he did he not understand this thing about the the ozone?

Why didn’t he like tripe, cow-heel and any currant scone?

Why was it him that always grazed his shin-bone?

Why did he look like a weasel and not Stallone?

Why others used him as a stepping stone?

Why was he short on testosterone?

Why for misery he’d make a perfect cicerone?

Why he had no cash, pounds dollars or krone?

Why for morbidity and depression he’d become best-known?

Why, how had he become the perfect boring drone?

Why he had become pathetic and he hadn’t known?

Why was he no longer the girl-pulling cyclone?

Why is he in pain from knees fingers shoulders & hipbone?

Why could he not have realised and foreknown?

Why can he not resist a chunter and miserable groan?

Why doesn’t he swear like others instead he says, I’ll be blown?

Why self-survival skills the idiot couldn’t hone?

Why when deaf does he have an old basic mobile phone?

Why does he live a solitary zombie like life alone?

Why has his maturity just never grown?

Why in an aeroplane has he never flown?

Why is he a wimp without any back-bone?

Why does he think he’ll one day be well known?

Like Galileo, but Inchy will remain forever unknown,

Why he isn’t destined to fame or to sit on the throne,

Why has he never tried and tasted zabaglione?

Why his emissions of wind are so very well known?

Why for his passed failures he cannot atone?

Why confidence and ability he does not own?

Why he fears reincarnation or someone making of him a clone?

Why he lacks social skills and has no backbone?

Why he seeks a social outlet microphone?

Why he wants someone to adopt him or take him on loan?

Why they keep attaching him to an osteophone?

Why cyclist on pavements he just cannot condone?

Why he’s cheered up now is not known…

Yes it is, BT Internet’s back working & he’s on his WordPress Zone!!!

Inchcock Today: Fri 6th Feb 2015

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

0501aWoke up and lay there trying to remember a dream… wrote down a graphic and notes for later when I’d have the laptop on, took photo of the note.

WC’d, bit of blood, angina still niggling, arthritis not so bad – started laptop and went down to make a cuppa returned and started Coreldraw9 and took me medications.

0501Coreldraw9 froze again, when I was doing graphic of me dream because I thought the photo of me hand written note would not be clear enough on screen.

Seems that Mike Steeden was in  a car at the end of a garden and calling some thing to or at me and I was calling back from a bedroom window?

Can’t remember owt else about it – but felt the house garage and garden might have been a mixture of passed dwellings?

Frustrating innit?

Had to restart system again.

Started this diary, then finished yesterdays and posted it.

Took me medications and got ready for a trip out up Woodborough Road for a change, I decided to bus into town then another out and up to Mapperley – have a wander about, take some photo’s and walk back down, should only take me about an hour to walk back I reckon. (Ha!)

As I walked to the end of the road on me way to the bus-stop I observed that Severn-Trent were digging and planning a lot more judging by the marks on the road and pavements.0502Carr

I caught bus to town, then another out to Mapperley, I’ve not been there for years so had an amble up one side of the road, crossed over and had an amble back then turned down Winchester Street – camera in hand all the time – even when I had me Whoopsidangleplop later!

0503TopsThe first new to me thing I noticed across the road when I got off of the bus like (All praise the Nottingham City Council Pensioners Free Bus Pass please!) was a 30 Minute Workout for Women shop had opened?

I won’t say what thoughts went through me head when I read the sign… best not to eh?

0504TopsThe Waltham antenna relay mast was clearly visible in the distance.

Within seconds I realised it had gotten very cold suddenly – then realised it was because of how high I was. Not on ale or drugs like, high height-wise like.

Does seem to get very cold up here. They had even put some sand/salt on 0505Topsthe pavements near the shops today – I wish they’d do that everywhere when it threatens ice and snow.

On my way back towards Nottingham now, after seeing some Purple and Maroon carrots on sale at £1 a pound at the greengrocers next to the Co-op store on Mapperley Plains, what next.

I looked them up when I got back to the laptop: Before the 17th century, almost all cultivated carrots were purple. The modern day orange carrot wasn’t cultivated until Dutch growers in the 16th century took mutant strains of the purple carrot and developed them into the sweet plump orange variety we have today. Before this, pretty much all carrots were purple with occasionally white and yellow 0506Topsaones? Just thought I’d mention it like…

I moved on and at the butchers they had a sign outside offering Exotic meats.

Ostrich, crocodile, kangaroo, camel and bison!..but no horse?

I wandered on (Feet aching a bit now, 0507Topsbut nothing compared to how were going to feel when I eventually got back indoors… Tsk!) and took scenic photographs best I could manage from a high points I could access.

As I viewed the thousands of houses below I got a touch sentimental thinking to myself:

0508FTopsAmazing to think that most of these dwellings will have an unemployed person or two in them, shoplifters, muggers, maniacs, Uninsured and unsafe Mobility scooter drivers, cyclist who cycle on the pavement, alcoholics, drug addicts, drug pushers, gunmen, terrorists and UKIP supporters in them, chilling!

0509topDAs I began my walk down the steep bendy Winchester Street I came across nature again that fascinated me.

Next to the pub was a hedgerow that had three distinct varieties of bushes all competing with each other for survival. I’ve no idea of the types of bushes they were, but this sort of thing often gets me thinking about humankind.

0510TopDiceAbout a third of mile down the long street I turned into Woodthorpe Park thinking I might save time by taking that route although not sure if I could get through, I persevered. First thing I noticed was that the snow from two days ago was still frozen in chunks on the pathways?

As I cut through some trees and came 0511TopSqout on the sodden grass, there was a squirrel climbing a tree trunk and he didn’t seem to bother about me, in fact I think he posed for the photograph. Nature again impressing me here.

There he was unconcerned with normal human beings and apparently having the time of his life… 

That reminds me, I must draw up a draft of me letter for David Cameron… hehehe!

As I walked carefully (I thought) down the hill towards the two blocks of flats it made me wonder why they had made them Senior Citizens only? Out of the way, hills all around and no shops 0512TopDflatsnearby?

Then I had me Whoopsidangleplop!

Sipped on the wet mud and grass and carried on down for a good way on my haemorrhoid ridden backside! Struggled up and collected the things that had fell out of me bag, thought I’d 0515TopDmudlost me shoes but they were just hidden from me view by all the mud on em… Tsk!

I could feel the blood coming out from my back passage and tried to get off the slippery surface but still had a couple of hundred yards to go before I reached the flats and concrete.

0513TopDwinchWhere I did me best to clean off the mud from me shoes bum and trousers, unsuccessfully.

Limping and in pain now I can tell yers…

Down past the laundry and onward towards Mansfield Road, not a happy laddie at this stage of me walk at all. 0517Frustrated, in pain, bleeding, angina rampant and had a dizzy spell! Oh hell! (Note the bit of poetry there to help lighten the mood folks?)

A good way to go too. Still, this part was downhill at least.

Eventually hobbled into Mansfield Road turned left and called into the Continental shop for a loaf of bread.

Took a photo of the sky when I came out of the 0516xshop, I’ve no idea why I did but I did so I might as well put it in eh?

Maybe it was the lack of traffic that made me want to record it?

Who knows, so much pain now I think I was getting a bit irritable with missen.

0520Not a good thing considering what was just about to take place at the top of the hill in the distance.

As I reached the Methodist Church this turd on a bike came around the corned on the pavement and nearly had me over.

I took a picture and shouted at him but 0518no response – I am getting so fed-up with this happening so often. If it’s not  a cycling it’s a mad mobility scooter driver! Grrr!

I calmed myself down and limped onward for about a hundred yards and this youth came passed me on the pavement from behind on his bike and nearly frit me to death.

0519Camera out and snapped him then I started to tell him off when he stopped, but he just told me to go forth and multiply, then he saw a youth he knew and gave him a croggy on his bike – still on the pavement!

What can I do about it?

I wonder how much a colt 45 costs nowdays?

I got in the dump and WC’d after painfully tackling the stairs.

Tended to me back quarters best I could, cleaned up the blood, creams applied and extra painkiller taken.

Feeling poorly now. Hehe!

Made a sandwich, cuppa and started to do this diary.

Feeling tired now as well – poor old sausage!

Coreldraw froze again, went through start-up again.

Made a cuppa and took me medications – had to clean up at the rear again – if they don’t stop bleeding I’ll go to clinic or GP tomorrow, oh that’ll be a Saturday wont it. I’lll see how I go, I’ve a feeling all the sleep I’ve been missing might make me nod-0ff at any time now, so I’ll end here folks.

TTFN all.