Analysis of Inchcock by the Professionals
Marissa Bergen-Kruel PsyD and PhD, Hard Rock and Dancer/performer, and Inchcock’s nemesis, the head honcho at the the David Levine Psychoanalyst Unlimited group of Medical Professionals, West Riverside Bank, Burbank CA, who the NHS had called her in at phenomenal cost to help them to analyse and understand Inchcock problems said:
“The study evaluated the ability if 5 different fear classification procedures to discriminate between 3 fear levels and to correlate with 6 commonly used dependent measures of fear. A standardised fear assessment procedure was administered on 2 separate trials to Inchcock. Following the completion of the assessment trials Inchcock’s were scored and regrouped according to 5 fear classification procedures (behavioural – self-report – skin conductive level – skin response amplitude and heart rate.
Then I and my assistant and body guard, retired mouse-droppings counter at McDonalds, Mike Steeden made intensive investigations and interviews with Medical and Emergency staff who have in the past had to deal with Inchcock while trying their best to keep a professional approach. With the aim of filtering out Inchy’s past history and appraising the answers individually and accumulatively to form the basis for a report, after we have interviewed and interrogated Inchcock ourselves.
After utilising the mammoth records on Inchcock that the NHS held we found several professionals who had been unfortunate enough to have been chosen to treat Inchcock’s many ailments. Ex-Social Worker and Nuclear Physicist Shirley Blamey who had treated Inchcock for depression and lack of social nous a few years ago was asked if she could remember any of the problems he’s been suffering with then and did she manage to help or cure any of them.
She pondered a few moments and said: “Oh Gawd… yes. He’s still a virgin you know, but his lack of experience, minuscule appendage and rampant uncontrollable emissions of wind from his rear quarters meant I had to try something new, different and a little under hand to help him”.
I ordered myself an absinthe and dandelion and burdock and Shirl had a single malt on the rocks and we continued the interview: “Ah yes” quipped Shirley “the Inchcock saga – you see I thought if he could get used to women actually liking him… well believing they did, he could gain some confidence and be interested in learning how to treat them see…”
“Sounds a gigantic challenge that Shirl girl” I said as I snapped my fingers at the cute bar man demanding two more of the same here, Shirl continued “Oh it was, I had to put into place a convoluted plan, I pretended to be a woman who fancied him and sent him some emails and letters…”
“Go on, go on…”
“Well in me last email I asked him to send me a photo of his lower regions like… cunning eh?”
“Why’s that then?”
“Well if he did send one I could have a good laugh at it… no no I mustn’t be cruel it’s not his fault is it?… Gerrum in again gal…”
“Alright Shirl” my fingers snapped at the by now even more cute looking bar man and she carried on with the story.
“Well do yer know he sent me a photo…”
“Was it of his…”
“No” Shirl interjected “It was of his Arthritic knees!”
“Bloody hell, and they expect me to help him?”