Inchcocks Security Career True Tales of Woe – Rapid Alarm Response – The Bank Manager’s Activation

Inchcock’s True Security Career Woes

Rapid Response Alarm Officer Inchcock & The night of the Bank Manager’s Home Alarm Activation


I was on Alarm Response and Patrol checks this particular night. Anyone could usually tell when I was on these duties because the amount of alarm activations usually doubled when I was on this roster. Tsk!

About 2345hrs I was in Long Eaton near Derby carrying out one of the regular site checks when I got a call to inform me that an alarm had been activated at a house in North Nottingham. I knew the house as it is on our Patrol list for checks at the weekends, and owned by a bank manager.

I made my way towards Beeston then onto the ring road when I got another call from the controller to advise me that a second activation had been received making it a positive and the Police had been informed, but they told him that “We have no free units to respond, but will do when one is free.”

Nice… very encouraging that.

I arrived at the assignment address about 30 minutes after getting the call. A great big house with two gates and dozens of rooms.

I informed control of my arrival and that no outward signs of intrusion seen at the front and I was going to check the rear of the premises first.

I got the keys and codes from the van safe, locked the van, took a deep breath and walked to the back of the sprawling house.

1220hrs: I moved away from the window and informed control of the suspect on premises situation and he despatched the other patrol officer Darren as back-up support being as the Nottingham Police still had no one to send.

So I waited and observed monitoring for any activity.

I then saw the torchlight in a ground floor window and continued my observing.

Daz arrived asking where is the scum-bag, let’s gerrim…

After we gained entry through the front door and deactivated the alarm

Darren called out “Alright scum-bag, let be X#~♫ having yer… come on give up or my mate will come and get yer…”

I recall thinking ‘Oh no he wont!’

A bloke appeared though a door and came running at us calling out “I’ve called the police… he pulled up short and lowered his mashie niblick when he saw our uniform and the size of Darren… who did not take to be attacked and he belted the chap with left-hook of Henry Cooper quality.

As I was about to challenge Daz on why he clobbered him as it was obvious the chap was not an intruder but the bank manager when the door behind us burst open and the police officers entered, batons drawn and wrestled me an Darren onto the floor and we were hancuffed – I remember a canine officer being displeased with his animal when it licked me on the face when they were getting me up after being handcuffed.

Now we were in a pickle I thought.

Luckily my solver tongue explained what had happened in between my asking then telling Daz to keep quite.

The paramedics arrived and the bank manager was taken away for checks although he seemed alright, was very quiet and didn’t seem to hold any grudge against us?

When the officers and Darren had left, I did a check of the premises for any intruders, I could see the fuse box was open at the cellar head, so assumed that was the reason the torchlight was used? No signs of why the alarm activated were found and it reset without any bother later.

When I checked each room upstairs the third bedroom… well it opened my eyes I can tell yers… A four-poster bed with red and pink adornments, leather straps, handcuffs and a giant plastic prodding fork lay on the bed? Five TV or monitor screens were scattered around the room, and a gigantic mirror on the ceiling! No signs any bodies anywhere though.

Then I informed control all was clear and reset the alarm and secured the premises.

Sat in the van doing the incident report – one of the hardest I’ve ever had to do.

The Barclays bank manager didn’t complain at all – which was puzzling and unexpected, but comforting.

Wonder what he was up to on his own?

Inchcock Today: Hypodermic into his ticker

Thursday 19th February 2015

Last night I had braised beef in onion gravy with soft bread followed by a yoghurt ice lolly, mousse and my medications. Mmmm!

But the wind… of dear, very persistent and noisome putrid pestiferous poohs meritorious of the Houses of Parliament… that bad! Oh dear…

I got up late at o540hrs and beautified missen ready for me extra Queens Medical Centre Haematology INR level test.

No blood from me rear-end, gel on me knees and ankles and the bruise on me head was almost gone.

Made up a bag of nibbles for the nurses, made sure I’d got umbrella, bus pass, INR record card, cash, reading glasses, hearing aids etc.

Set-off in the rain so caught a bus instead of walking to town in case I gotted soaked again like on Monday.


Chocolate Pound on the left next to a real Pound coin

Popped into the chemists first to pick-up me blood-release tablets that they had ran out of when I picked up me monthly dollop of medications, and had a bit of fun with the girl on the counter that went down very well and all four of the staff laughed with or at me:

When Safira gave me the bag of Trental tablets, I pretended to read it and saying out loud “Oh one pound eh…” Then produced my earlier prepared gigantic chocolate pound coin and handed it to her. A lovely grin came over her face and she turned to the others and showed it to them and wallah… everyone laughing at the same time.

I really got satisfaction from that.


Patients having a fag out in the rain – addicts each and every one – Bless em!

Bus out to the QMC where on getting to the entrance I was tickled to see patients outside, some in wheelchairs some on drips, outside having a fag under the No Smoking signs. Bless em!

I was soon seen to and the samples taken and had me injection of Warfarin straight into me ticker and was back out into the rain and on the bus back into town.

Swallowed me midday medications then I took a photo on the bus through the front window but for some reason found it was far too blurred – again – to use?


Evenin’ ‘all!

Getting the shakes is not doing my photographicalisational reputation any good at all!

As I dropped off the bus the Police paddy-wagon had pulled up a car and three plain-clothed officers were trying to ejecting the occupants.

The incident took place in front of the bus-stop my sister uses.


Plenty of buses in Nottingham this afternoon competing with the ebullient Nottinghomian citizenry for the right of way…

Wonder what they’d done?

I didn’t ask like.

I poddled up the stairs (Painfully) to the walk-over (Muggers paradise) to take a few of shots of the wonderfully, pleasant, happy, merry, joyous, contented, sweet, kind, philanthropic Nottinghomian’s on Upper Parliament 0401street in the rain.

Took a walk through the open market, but is was bereft of any choice, many stalls unoccupied and the owners of the stalls were obviously not happy as they glared at people as if to say “Yes.. you dare disturb me!”


John Lewis Department store window today

I had a wobble though the rest of Victoria Shopping Centre and the first window I came to as I entered it was the High Class (Claimed by them anyway, the prices Are high) John Lewis department store windows.

I was intrigued by the display  windows I must say, felt something was missing like…

I noted some shoppers coming into the centre who were absolutely soaked through.


Me attempt at an atmospheric piccy

So I nipped back to the walk-over to take a photo in the heavy rain in an effort to try and get another atmospheric one.

It didn’t come out like that really, but it did catch some more Nottinghomians crossing against the lights. Oh it didn’t… the lights must just changed as I took it – Huh!



One of many of Inchcock’s Weaknesses

I wandered to Tesco and managed to get some cheesy seaweed and gravy granules, then had another losing fight with my conscience over whether to purchase some fresh cream French Horns or not to purchase some fresh cream French Horns…

I purchased some fresh cream French Horns. Tsk!

I slipped the pigeons some seed on Trinity Square as I made me way to catch the bus back to Carrington and the flea-pit.

Got rather wet between the bus-stop in Carrington and the front door.

WC’d hurriedly.

Got changed and put two beef slices in the microwave and made some rich gravy and poured it over them when cooked – had some bread and sauce with em followed by the fresh cream French Horns. (Guilty mode adopted)

Had a scrub-up took me evening medications while continually coughing sneezing and passing wind.

Watched a Heartbeat DVD while I ate me nosh.

I haven’t had a single evacuation from the rear all day… bit worrying that!

Tired out now poor mite that I am…