Inchcock Interview to be aired on Radio Nottingham – (Updated)

Nottingham pensioner Juan Inchcock (69) retired Sanitary Towel machine oiler and filler-upperer , well known locally for his hatred and ridiculing of cyclist on pavements, mad mobility scooter drivers and soggy chips has been invited by Radio Nottingham’s Shirley Blamey to have a chance to answer questions phoned in directly from Nottingham cyclists and mobility scooter drivers on the air.

Station Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden had originally objected to the BBC management at having to include Inchcock on the show.


Marissa Bergen (Left) interviews studio Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden. 

Mr Steeden explained when our reporter Marissa Bergen interviewed him: “Due to the well known flatulence problems the old chap suffers with, his temperamental bladder, his uncouth appearance and lack of social skills, his falling asleep when one is talking to him, I can’t understand a word of his thick Nottingham accent…”

He paused to get his breath a moment and continued “If he falls down he can’t get up again – and he does a lot of that… falling down. A health and safety risk he is… He can’t hear what one is saying even with his hearing-aids in, he’s blind as a bat, wonders off at a whim, if he sees a pigeon or mallard duck we’ve totally lost him!

Marissa squirmed and said: “You don’t like him do you?”

Not a lot” Mike replied “He’s as thick as two-planks, uneducated and limps about Nottingham taking photos of pigeons, mallard ducks on the canal, cyclists on the pavement, what he thinks are dangerous mobility scooter drivers… in fact the twit is trying to get up a movement to get Government to bring in driving tests, insurance requirements, alcohol content tests for the drivers and is currently designing a ‘Stinger’ for them that he can and says he will use? He’s potty…”

At this point an assistant came into the room and handed Mr Steeden a note, which he read and pondered on for a short while, then told the assistant: “Tell the boss I agree.”

He turned to face Marissa and quipped: “Of course it takes all sort to make a rich colourful mix of citizens in Nottingham and I have to show a magnanimous side in the job – so I’ve decided to allow Shirley to do the interview with Inchcock, but we must get Inchcock in for a ‘Set-the-rules’ meeting. Any other questions Ms Bergen?

Er… no.. I…” Mike left the room rapidly calling for his assistant as he left?

BBC02aA confused Marissa put her things back in her bag and noticed Mike had left the note brought in my his assistant on the table, so took a BBC001peep at it.

It seemed that Inchcock had promised goodies for Mr Steeden if he did the interview, including his collection of ‘Parade Magazines’ 1958 > 1962.

BBC02Mr Steeden and Ms Blamey arranged to meet Inchcock for the ‘set-the-rules-meeting and they took publicity photographs outside a strangers house for the press, because they didn’t want to show Inchcock’s house and him getting letters of sympathy from the public.

The discussion didn’t go well at all – Inchcock was so besotted with Shirley and passing wind continuously his concentration was non-existent. They has to hope for the best and arranged for Inchy to come to the Nottingham Radio station at a BBC01specific time for the interview.

Plans had to be made protect the staff there during the interview and they all met to agree on the best defence and Shirley came with a mock-up of a Swedish Anit-Germ Containment unit with a cardboard cut out of Inchcock in it to show her idea off.

They all willingly agreed to hire one on the day, nervously…

BBC03On the morning of the interview Inchcock arrived in plenty of time, but was unfortunately he was still wearing his pajamas.

Much to the horror of Shirley and started his hands wandering where they should not be wandering, being unable to control his passion and desire for her.

Being the ultimate professional Ms Blamey belted him on the back of his head and threw him out, telling him to get back home and change into some normal day wear clothes. She arranged transport for him there and back to the studios. Kindly making sure he had his bus-pass with him first.

BBC04Inchcock looked a little hurt and sad as he wiped the blood from his wounds and left the building, head down to catch a bus home to his flea-pit.

As he alighted from his bus a mobility scooter very nearly had him over and an uncontrollable hatred raged as he dragged the driver from the scooter to give him a jolly good belting around his head and admonish him for his careless driving…

BBC05The man head-butted Inchcock, threw him over his shoulder onto the pavement and kicked him in the head a few times then hit him on his forehead with one of the two dozen bottles of 8.4 proof Apple cider from his mobility scooter shopping basket while cursing loudly.

The paramedics attending Inchy told the press that Inchcock would not be in any fit state to do any radio interviews for quite a while yet.

Shirley and Mike were cheered-up no end when they heard.

Inchcock Today: Laundry, shopping and not much else… Inchcock well tired!

Tuesday 10th February 2015

Decent kip, got a few hours in and remembered bit of some dreams wot I’d ‘ad:

I wus tangled up in a barbed wire fence, but felt no pain as I tore off fingers flesh and lost an eye in me vain struggle to free missen – then some aliens landed and stood and looked at me for a while – then they tutted and got into a 1959 Standard Vanguard car they had taken out of their space-pod thing and drove off, me shouting after them that they could not drive ‘ere without a proper licence…?

I found myself in a kamikaze fighter, but it was a British one, and although a Fairly Swordfish torpedo fighter it had a sat-nav on the pilots dash and Tony Blairs voice was shouting out which of the Iraqi trawlers to dive into…?


I tried to get up to use the WC and was aching in both shoulders and Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna grumbling a bit and bleeding from me haemorrhoids.

This is not going to be a good day I felt…

Cuppa and medications taken, laptop started and did some graphics for later – until Coreldraw9 froze again. Had to go through force shutting down and restarting procedure.

Got me laundry togs ready, then had a spruce-up. I used the new three-bladed Bic razor this morning – it didn’t take too much time to stem the bleeding.

I was determined not to forget anything today. Hahaha!

Set off with me bags of washing and realised I had not got me mobile phone in me pocket. Tsk!

Found Big John already there.

Bertha was on duty today and we all had a little natter and I gave her her nibbles.

0201LI had to use one big and the one small machine. Read me booke while BJ went to the cafe for his breakfast.

When the machines had stopped and I was taking the clothes out to put in the drier a ‘Clunk’ was heard… as the flipping mobile phone fell to the floor!

Boy was I annoyed with missen!

I suppose I’d left the ruddy thing in the pocket of one of me far-to-long-but-very-comfortable and warm pyjama pockets?


Wet and dead… and only 6 months old. (Well I had her for six months) Just my barrow too, simple and uncomplicated. Tsk!

BJ took it to pieces to see if it could be rescued but no, it was a gonna!

Good job it was only a cheapo old one.

He said for me to go to Asda with him and we’ll see if the SimCard still worked and I could a cheap phone would work on the EE network wot it is on.  Bless him.

Bertha couldn’t stop laughing! At least I’d made someone happy today.

BJ was not too happy with me rampant flatulence in his car as he took me to Asda, but he understood all the same.

I was feeling weary and tired without a good reason now.

0203asdaWe arrived at the Asda superstore and I spotted a dirty great big bird sat on top of the Asda sign above the entrance and got me camera out but was too late. I think it might have been a sparrow-hawk if your interested in knowing wot it wus I missed…

We went to the electrical department first to sort out a mobile phone, but there was no one there. Another member of staff told us that they were on break upstairs and would be back in ‘a bit’.

So we split and did us shopping to meet up at the check-out later then try again for the phone.

As I pottered about getting some beef and onions slices, yoghurt, jellies, bleach, disinfectant and bread feeling even more drained now, BJ came to me and said we’ll go now to see about the phone because he had frozen foods in his trolley.

So we did.

They had (In the cheaper simpler older phone range like) four to choose from and one was just like the one that I’d drowned in soapy water and on a fiver… yes £5, so I got that one and the kind lady seeing me struggling with trying to get me old sim-card into it did it for me.

It worked okay. Phew!

0204msAs we left the car park and stopped at the traffic lights I apologised to BJ again fer me unplanned escapages of wind, and noticed a chap on a mobility scooter almst skid to a halt and jumped put of it and into a Chicken & Pizza parlour take-away, I’ve seen anyone move so quick. Young lad he was.

0205bjBJ dropped me off at the flea-pit and handed me me shopping and laundry.

I thanked him and off he went home.

Before putting owt away I wearily climbed the stairs to the WC – bit worried now about why I feel so drained and tired?

Maybe it was some sort of aftershock after me Whoopsiedangleplop the other day? Don’t like feeling like this.

0206coinPut the washing away, then the nosh and made a flask ot tea and went up to start this diary.

Found a giant chocolate £1 coin I’d forgotten about getting yesterday for the launderette gals.

Wish I could think of something funny to write about it.

0205cnmpCan anyone help me out with a caption please?

Crickey, I’m sneezing like a good un now. Huh!

I put the new mobile on charge and almost fell asleep doing this diary?

Sad innit?

Hope to have some microwave sausage sarnies later, if I can stay awake that is.

It makes a change from not being able to sleep, mind you I ain’t nodded off yet.

Enjoyed me sausage sandwiches and spent a few hours trying y nod-off without any luck – odd innit how when one (Note I slipped in a Royal ‘One’ there) is feeling so tired and drained and still can’t sleep?

I might ask Mr Cameron about that.