Why Inchcock stopped going to Nottingham Forest matches

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Part of the Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe

NFFC01

My heroes:
Peter Grummitt in goal.

Bob Chapman, Terry Hennessey, Pete Hindley, Bob McKinlay, my favourite John Winfield were in Forest’s defence.

Jim Baxter, Henry Newton, Ian-Storey-Moore were in midfield.

Joe Baker, John Barnwell. and Barry Lyons up front.

All mismanaged so ably by Johnny Carey

1969, and my mates begged me to stop going to Forest matches!

Mick said I was a ‘jinx on them’.

Bill said I was the ‘kiss of death to them’.

Frank said I was a ‘curse on them’.

Alf said I ‘cast an evil eye on them’.

They each suggested I go forth and multiply and questioned my parentage.

They then pointed out that I’d only been to 6 matches that season, that resulted in:

Versus Man United Lost 2-1

Versus Derby County Lost 1-3

Versus Leed United Lost 6-1

Versus Burnley Lost 5- 0

Versus Leeds United Lost 4-1

Versus Coventry Lost 4-1

… and could I please stop attending the City Ground? (Or words to that effect)

I laughed this off as rubbish.

The next season, after I attended my first match (And only match of the season) versus Arsenal, and they lost 4-1… I did stop attending the City Ground after that!

Inchcock: Tue/Wed 11/12th November 2014

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Tuesday 11th November 2014

I slept better last night, only waking up about five times I think.

Up and on the laptop drinking a cuppa by 0445hrs.

Not feeling on top form though, took some bags out to the bins to find someone had dumped their rubbish bags nearby.

Bit of an early dizzy spell.

Going to spend the day indoors methinks. Working away on the laptop and feeling guilty.

Gaws ‘eavens – the little ‘Inch’ is bleeding profusely again!

Crappo at times life innit?

Wednesday 12th November 2014

I was feeling nervous when I awoke at 0120hrs, apprehensive.

WC.

Checked out ‘Inchy’, bleeding again, applied some more Corticoid cream.

Had a rinse and cleared up the blood and came down had a sip of spring mineral water and got medications ready for the 0500hrs doses.

Can’t believe I do not fancy a cuppa.

Aware that today I have visitors coming to assist me, and I am very nervous at what they will find here at the hovel.

Updated this diary to here.

Lynton and his son John called, they were stuck on the motorway and would be a little later than arranged – nice that.

They arrived and I felt I’d known him for years.

We gossiped while they helped me get the laptop going so much better. We left it doing a clean-up programme and they drove me out for a bite to eat in Sherwood.

They kindly went into the Computer shop with me to analyse and understand what the chap was offering.

W16TW01

See me smiling? Thanks Lynton!

Then we went into a cafe where they treated me to a bacon sarnie, and let me knick one of John’s potatoe waffles.

We returned still nattering to the flea-pit.

They helped again by taking away some of the rubbish I have accrued.

They will never know how much they have helped me today – bless em both with all my heart.

A cuppa tea and they were off with fond goodbyes.

W16TW02

Sir Lynton Cox – A Gentleman

Now John has got my wi-fi sorted I can use the laptop upstairs again, and it is so much quicker.

Had a microwaved potato and sausages for me nosh.

Tired, but feeling happier than for a while I went off up to kip… angina playing up. Tsk!

TTFN all.

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

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JS01

The Chief Constable is posing for press photographs while Sergeant Gaztops sulks because they wouldn’t let him attack with hand grenades and nerve-gas

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

Police responded with dogs, helicopter, and ARV (Armed Response Vehicle) to a call for help, from the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham this morning at 0928hrs.

JS02MSarmedOfficers sealed off all roads surrounding the school, apart from the one to the bookies and local pub. (Best not to upset the locals quoted the firearm bearing Traffic Warden Mike Steedenski)

JS03DannyA statement from the Nottingham Chief Constable Danny Soz-Poncemby said: “Twice last week, teachers and pupils reported suspicious characters lurking in the close vicinity of the school they knew they couldn’t be locals because they were not searching through the dustbins. It seems the same two have gained JS04gazaccess to the premises, and when the teacher demanded they left and they refused, a hostage situation then developed.”

Sergeant Gaztops wanted to attack the school with hand-grenades and nerve gas, but we managed to calm him down with a Valium and gin mix and a promise of sex with the schoolmistress.

Our reporter Juan Inchcock asked: “Do you think that the intruders might be paedophiles?”

The Chief Constable replied: “Oh yes, I’d not thought of that!”

He turned to one of constables in riot gear next to him and commanded him to get more support and call for another CPO (Community Police Officer) to attend the scene, as soon as he’d finished having his breakfast.

Talks ensued, with one of the children via their Samsung Galaxy S2 mobile phones and the police negotiator.

JS05pcsAt this point the burger can arrived and was allowed through the barricade so the officers who were keeping back the local muggers, shoplifters, gunmen and children absconding from their schools, could partake in food. Much to their delight.

No further details were forthcoming until 1430hrs, when it reported by the Chief Constable in a statement:

“I am glad to inform you that the hostage situation at the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham has been settled without any injuries this time.

He stopped to comb his hair, snuff out his roll-up and pose for some photographs to be taken by the press then continued:

“Both of the Police Officers abducted by the pupils were shook up, but released relatively unharmed after I agreed that no charges would be brought against the children. The graffiti on the headmistress’s door would not be cleaned off for 5 months, and the use of Ganja would be permitted in the playground for fifteen minutes a day during school time.”

He added as the Pizza and Burger vans pulled away:

“Another victory for common sense policing!”

Inchcock Today: Monday 10th November 2014

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W16M01

Monday 20th November 2014

Up at 0300hrs, WC.

’Inchy’ sore and leaking a little blood.

Down and got laptop started and made a cuppa.

Chest pains started, angina not good.

Feeling a bit down again. Despite Lynton emailing me that he is coming over to see me with his son next week.

Did the LOMM update posts and some graphics for Troll Free Zone.

Waiting for the Asda delivery, then I’ll get washed shaved teggies and WC then get changed to go to the Queens Medical Centre for my INT level tests.

When I came down from ablutionising (Is there such a word?) my left thumb was bleeding from all around the nail! No pain, no lesions?

W16M02I took some bits with me for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop to drop off on the way back from the Queens Medical Centre.

I set off and caught the bus (Raining you see) into town. Then got another out to the QMC.

The rain has lessened as I arrived at the hospital.

Only a couple waiting at the haematology dep’t, and I was in five minutes later.

There was only two staff on. The new girl and a bloke brought in from another department – three staff off today she said! She also pointed out that i had blood coming from my left ear-hole?

Still she was happy could she could have first pick of the nibbles I took for them, including the fresh cream éclairs that tickled her fancy.

W16M03I was soon out and caught a bus into town.

W16M04Had a walk about a bit, got some DVD’s to add to the stuff got the Hospice shop.

Ambulance/CityWalked into town and as I rounded the corner, the first thing I saw was somebody being loaded into an ambulance.

That cheered me up no end.

The rain had stopped and the sunshine glistened. So I took a photo in the slab square.

Then walked towards the Sherwood bus pick-up point taking a photo pf an alley as I passed it. In this alley is a W16M05Barbers, a public convenience, a ladies hair dressers and a few other retailer. Not doing so well I’d hazard a guess by the lack of people around.

I caught the bus and dropped off almost opposite the Charity shop and took the bit in for them.

Then I had a walk back to Carrington, the angina still bothersome.

And I foolishly didn’t put any Phorpain gel on my knees cause they seemed okay at the time – When will I ever learn!

Nearly got ran into by a burke on a bike on the pavement as I turned the corner into my street.

Got in. WC’d.

Laptop on and made a cuppa.

It’s colder in this house than outside! Huh!

Felt that warm wet sensation in the region of my little Inch again, went up and checked. Bleeding. A good day for me bleeding today innit – me left thumb, me left ear and now my ‘Inch’ has started again. I checked the ear-hole closer and I think the wax or ear-drops might have hardened and when I put me hearing-aids in it might have caught it and pulled a bit off?

I’m looking forward to be nosh tonight (and hoping it come out alright like). I’ve got two big potatoes to do int microwave, then I’ll empty the flesh into bowl and bash it up with some cheese granules a splash of vinegar and a tad of sea salt, then return it to the microwave add some bbq sausages and rewarm it.

I’ll let yer know how it turns out later. I might have a bit of cooked beetroot with it. Egon Ronay? Huh!

Felt that warm wet sensation in the region of my little Inch again, went up and checked. Bleeding. A good day for me bleeding today innit – me left thumb, me left ear and now my ‘Inch’ has started again. I checked the ear-hole closer and I think the wax or ear-drops might have hardened and when I put me hearing-aids in it might have caught it and pulled a bit off?

Nottingham Health and Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair

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F01

Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

F07charlesThe Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F02The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F03msThe Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F05bingoThe Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F04marshaThe Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsh Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

F06financeAccident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Sue Emall – Solicitor for League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaz tops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance.  Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer was injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe: The Match – Nottingham Forest vs Ipswich Town

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NFI01

My mates were away on holiday, so I wrapped myself up in a great coat, scarf, flat cap etc (It was very cold as you would have gathered, if not please pay more attention – thank you).

I took a beef dripping sandwich, apple, and bar of Punch chocolate, and set off to the match on my own.

There was a big crowd, and I made me way to the East stand at the front wall, behind the dug-out.

NFI01aAt half time, I struggled through the crowd to get a Bovril drink, and somehow managed to get back to my spot without spilling too much.

Just as I was biting into the apple, a surge of bodies forced me and everyone else nearby, to be squashed up against the low wall, fearing another surge coming from the yobs behind, I threw away the apple and Bovril cup in an effort to free my hands to use to help stop me being crushed against the wall.

NFI02At which point I found myself being man handled and dragged over the wall by two nice policemen, who gave me a dead-leg, crammed my arm up my back, and frog-marched me into the car park, and secured me in the back of an Austin black maria!

I stood in the cage in the back of the black-maria, confused, about what I might have done to warrant being here?

Occasionally, the doors would open, and a protesting yob or two would be forced into joining we already squashed up inmates in the cages.

I could hear that the match had finished, and after about half an hour or so, the doors opened again, and some police officers accompanied by a couple of police dogs pulled out a few of the incarcerated, me included, into the car park, and suggested we go forth and multiply!

Presumably those still in the van were to be prosecuted, we in the car park were cautioned.

I found out much later, why I was removed from the ground. A neighbour had been standing near to where I was on the East stand, and had seen it all happen, and explained it to me: As I was being crushed  involuntarily into the wall by the surge of fans behind me, the apple I threw away to allow me to use my hands to protect myself from the wall, had landed on a policeman’s helmet!

Ah well, at least I understood why the bobby had dead-legged me, and caught my head on the cage door twice as he implanted me in the black-maria now.

Oh.. and Forest lost the match too!

Inchcock Today: Sunday 9th November 2014

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Just how is Britain’s miniature answer to Ebola doing today?

0701Nervous, uncertain, cold and weary!

Sunday 9th November 2014

Bad night for waking up every few minutes it seemed – and fretting over something different every time.

Gave up and got up at 0250hrs.

0702Laptop took ages to start.

Made a cuppa and returned to it – Internet freezing again. Restarted twice. All three active blue lights on all the time now.

Third loading it is working… reluctantly.

0703I’m sneezing like a good un this morning.

Got loads of graphics done for the TFZers.

Coreldraw is not playing up now? Apart from the not letting me save of course. But still, in confuses me why.

Very cold this morning now.

0704Morrison’s order came, no substitutions.

I’m going to get myself beautified, sanitised and prettied-up and take the camera for a walk into Nottingham. Oh, and of course well wrapped up – me that is not the camera!

I attended the Remembrance service at St John’s, and came away slightly 0705thoughtful but depressed as usual.

Being a Sunday (See how quick I was there?), not much traffic on Mansfield Road as I set off on walk into the City Centre.

As I arrived there, still not much traffic, but plenty of Nottinghomian’s lurking alarmingly about, as well as cyclist, mobility scooters, street performers and big Issue sellers as well.

I poddled through town to the South end and went in Sainsbury’s to get some bread for the birds.

0706I went down to the Nottingham canal and as I was feeding them I realised or rather remembered that it was now banned and I risked an on the spot fine of £65!

So I threw in the rest of the bread quickly… during which one of the animals shat down me left trouser leg!

I was not feeling too good, a bit dizzy and lifeless so I made towards the City Centre to catch the bus home.

On the way I nipped into the pound shop and got another bag of bird seed – that I will have to remember to use in Derby not Nottingham.

0707Walked through town, taking a picture of buildings and nice sky.

Hobbling now, I struggled to the bus-stop. When it arrived and I got on it, I took a picky of me leg and the bird poop!

 Back at the Steptoe & Son hovel, WC, laptop started and made a cuppa.

Microwaved potatoes tonight, with some BBQ sausages methinks.

Do you know, I can’t figure out why I feel so low… Tsk!

Inchcock Today: Frid/Sat 7-8th November 2014

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How is Inchcock Today? – Nervous, worried and confused!

0502Friday 7th November 2014

I woke up regular as clockwork every 30 minutes or so all throughout the night.

I felt more tired when I eventually got up at 0330hrs than I was when I went to bed. Tsk!

0504Noticed message on phone from Brother in law Pete asking what time I would be at their place today. It rally is so sad that I’d forgotten I was going?

Texted back asking if 1200hrs is okay. I kept mobile in me pocket so I might not miss any reply.

Took bags out to the bins and moved 0503them into the pathway ready for collection.

No frost this morning, just dank and drizzly.

Cuppa tea, medications and on laptop at 0400hrs.

Took some photo’s when I got there, and we had a natter of sorts.

Caught bus back to town then another to Carrington.

Not feeling too well at the moment.

050H

Saturday 8th November 2014

Oh dear me – came down and found I’d left me freezer door wide open all night – Huh!

Five black bags of fodder now in the dustbin. So I’ll have to go out and get some replacements later.

Amazing, Coreldraw is letting me open without going through the recent clicking of warnings it indicated. Still not letting me close it properly but still.

I got tons of graphics done while I could.

Cyber-friend Lynton messaged me, I really appreciate this, but sometimes I am embarrassed and ashamed with how I exist. And find communicating any other way than the internet hard.

The internet Google Chrome kept closing on its own accord. Maybe this is the end. I’ll find out when I get back from shopping.

I decided to get out and buy some fodder from the freezer shops. Might go to Bulwell where there is three to pick from for the best value.

Caught the bus on Hucknall Road

The rain was heavy throughout the journey.

Got to Bulwell and called in Iceland. They only had the tasteless lollies in so got one box. Along with some microwave baking potatoes.

Then to Fultons. Got some flavoured potatoe halves.

Then to Heron got some different potatoe halves there.

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Then I updated this then tried to work on Chrome to post it. It loaded very very slowly.

Then opened the Inchcock wordpress site, again very slow loading.

It let me post this anyway. (Slowly)

So I tried to do another one and see if it stayed hospitable.

Not bad, slow but working anyway. Bit like me really. Hehe!

 

♫ How do you Solve a Problem like Marissa! ♫

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MarissaWell, yer see I met this gal called Marissa at the local Locarno Dance hall like.

I can tell yer, me heart went thumpety thump soon as saw her like.

1954 it wer, March I think.

Well, me being an imitation Teddy-Boy, I thought she’s not going to be able to resist me yer see.

So I approached her, asked for her name and asked her if she wanted to dance innit.

Bit of a jive like.

I thought she liked me because she kept laughing at me.

I did alright fer about two minutes when me wig started to slip – Tsk!

She walked off in a huff saying something but I didn’t catch what she said because I’d took me hearing-aids out first like.

Marissa2So I followed her to her table where she was drinking Root Beer and Guinness with her mate Shirley.

I asked her if everything was alright like, she replied:

“Oh yes. I like it when a short-sighted midget comes up to me and his hair falls off his head as he passes wind has BO and can’t see without his glasses!”

“Is that all?” I said. I can get some new glue fer me toupee, take some medicine fer me wind have a bath and get contact lenses gal… problems solved midduck!”

I couldn’t understand why the expression of bewilderment came over her face as;

She stood up and belted me with very passable right hook, kicked me in the goolies, tutted and walked off?

Women eh?

Guarding the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital Woolwich

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0505After the alleged IRA bomb attack at Woolwich Police station, I was sent to beef up the defences of the QE hospital. It was a part civilian part military hospital then.

On the frontage, was a large car park adjacent to the road, and an archway into the premises at the back from the road.

After the attack on the Police Station, this area was cleared and parking there banned.

The first night on duty, they had me cleaning the blood-wagons (Ambulances).

The second night, they posted me at the entrance arch (Unarmed of course), and they’d rigged up a temporary alarm bell on the wall, with the instruction that should I press the button without genuine cause (false alarm), I would prefer to be hung, drawn, and quartered as opposed to what he would do to me! (6’5″ Staff Sergeant speaking)

Yet again, as I walked out to do me guarding, the rain started to pour down, and did so all night. I was stood back under the protruding roof as much as I could to try and avoid the belting rain.

The night brought forth no incidents, and by 0640hrs I was thinking of my breakfast – when a black Wolseley car pulled up at the kerb beyond the abandoned empty car park.

It had three occupants, and they sat for a minute or two with nothing happening, smoking a cigarette.

Then two of them well over six-foot and with stern determined looks on their faces exited the vehicle, both wearing long raincoats, and brimmed hats, pulled down over their faces!

They walked toward me.

‘Phwerp’

I could see the exhaust fumes from the car, it was still running with the driver hunched over the wheel. A quick getaway situation or what, I thought?

As they got within a few feet of me, I wanted to press the alarm, but was just as scared of the Staff Sergeant as I was of the approaching two tall visitors!

(Always been a problem of mine that, being so scared of people and things I found it hard to decide which one to be more scared of!

As the taller of the two got to within 4 foot of me, his left hand delved under his coat on his right chest.

‘Bigger phwerp’

I leant toward the alarm button, finger ready…

He withdrew his hand holding a Metropolitan Police Warrant card!

That is only time I have ever sworn at a police officer, as I inquired into why he did not announce himself earlier. (Or something similar like!)