Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

The Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsh Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

Accident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Sue Emall – Solicitor for League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaz tops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance.  Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer was injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.