Santa Banned from Social Centre in Nottingham

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Officials at the Okoku Bantu Social Centre in Nottingham, have banned the traditional appearance of Santa Claus, a local Senior Citizen Juan Inchcock (68) from appearing this year.

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Mr Abdul-Geezer Danton on his last years Christmas present his wife bought him

The new Centre manager Abdul-Geezer Danton, explained: “We think that the appearance of Santa Claus giving out free presents last year, may have contributed to the increase in muggings, and the riots in Nottingham this year. You see the citizens then expect to get something for free all the year, and the Job-centre Plus staff cannot provide this service with the cut-backs you see.”

He passed wind and continued in a softer voice: “Well really it’s his farting you know – fair enough he can’t help it at his age, but it is really deadly and the kids leave the shed without paying for the presents yer see”.

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Gaz (Knuckles) Tyron Shulaces

We spoke to some of the local residents and centre visitors, asking them what they thought of this, with the following answers given:

Gaz Tyron Shulaces (39) Drug dealer, bouncer and local Councillor: “Yea, wanna mek summat on it… eh?”

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Mr Grapplemen at his old job

Leonnard Grapplemen (23) Unemployed Security Guard & convicted rioter and mugger: “I reckon it’s abart right, owt oh the blue like, this old git starts geeing us fings for nowt, but bleedin’ ‘ell his leaking arse is crucifying us like… worraya expec’?”

Shirley Ticklyer (32) Part-time Prostitute and mother of eight at the last count: “We could do wi Santa cummin ev’ry day ‘ere midduck!”

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Mr Steedenski in his new job

Mike Steedenski (42 ⅞) Redundant Police Officer Traffic Warden and now Car Park attendant: “Well there has been an increase in violent crime on the streets this year, that might be summat to do with the git-faced Cameron and his mob having just made 240 police personnel redundant in Nottingham? Santa has got nowt to do with it! Get Labour back in – it ain’t right mate… bleedin’ Tories, nothing but greedy scumbags the lot of em… we want a good riot ‘ere in Nottinum cause we ain’t ‘ad one for months nah…”

Santa05MikThe local Constable, Mr Steedenski’s brother Sheridan (77) arrived and took the single malt whiskey bottle away from Mr Steedenski, clouted him around the ear-hole and poked him in the eye with his truncheon as he dragged him away.

Ali Bye (22) Job Centre Employee: “Last year I got fourteen Santa’s a job in Nottingham, this year only three. The reason for less Santas is ’cause four of um last year got mugged, two arrested for shopliftin’ one for child molesting and two done for being drunk in charge of a reindeer!”

At this point the shed collapsed…

Inchcock’s Diary: Friday 31st October 2014

Friday 31st October 2014

04Th01

I stirred rather sharply (again), at 0240hrs. I sensed a strange nervousness lingering?

Tried my best to get back to sleep without any luck, so read me book. (Oh poetry)

I treated myself to some Jersey full cream milk yesterday – and boy was my cup Yorkshire tea perfect this morning. Must remember to take me morning medications later.

Had a look at the ‘Inch’ – I’m getting fed up with it now, bleeding again!

Not a lot but surely it’s time for the cream to have had some effect?

The laptop let me get much work done this morning. Coreldraw lasted longer before it jacked in as well.

04Th02Took medications around 0445hrs then continued surfing! (Not in the water like)

I got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off on a walk into Sherwood with it.

It stuck me how picturesque the area just quarter of a mile away from home was, and I tooketh a picture of it.

04Th03I wandered on, and decided to take the route along Bingham Road, where long ago I lived on the ground floor of number 30.

And I stood there after taking the photograph and my mind delved back to the many good times I’d experienced then.

I used to take a holiday away every year, met cajoled with Grizelda there, I was able to enjoy a drink, was in the boxing club, the fishing club, played squash or badminton every twice a week, I was so happy in my job then, and I really did enjoy my trusty old pipe… I got to feeling a bit down about it then and decided it was best to carry on my journey and try to forget about it.

04Th04Not easy when the mind wanders off on its own tangents’ is it?

As I got onto Mansfield Road I noticed how many signs there were along that stretch of pavement.

The Church, parking, shop signs, traffic signs etc.

 I pressed on and noticed the Computer shop was open so went in to see if he could help me getting a second hand laptop that could cope with Coreldraw on Vista.

I asked him about the only one on display that was a Vista set-up and he said it would not cope because of the processor. But he had one waiting in the back to be reconditioned and he could make that one okay. He said to call next weekend. So I said I would. I just hope this one lasts that long.

I set off and eventually got to the Hospice shop and dropped off the things.

04Th05Then called in Wilko to get some face clothes, then I could use my current ones to tend to the little ‘Inch’ and throw them away afterwards.

As I neared the end of the walk back to the flea-pit I noticed the place that got burglarised the other day had a new sign up telling folk a security company is monitoring the place. I think that might have been why the police called at the dump yesterday?

As I turned into my street checking for any jobs by taking a circular turn if you know what I mean; I noticed that a gallant giant hard working spider had spun a massive web from the telegraph pole across the pavement to the flat roof of someone’s kitchen! I was amazed. I took a few photo’s in the hope that one might show the size of the web without luck, but one of them did show the giant spider, just. I’ve circled it with yellow ring on this photo. I’ll make it bigger in the hope that you can see the mammoth web he/she was spun. I suppose as soon at gets windy or rains they will lose it after all that hard work. Poor thing!

04Th06

Got in and had a gorgeous cuppa with the full cream Jersey milk.

Started the laptop and updated this diary.

04Th07Made (Well heated) me shepherds pie, had some last day to use crispy bacon rashers with it, a lolly and took some bags of cheese curls and some Viennese rolls with me to nibble later.

I reckon HRM would be jealous yer know!