Officials at the Okoku Bantu Social Centre in Nottingham, have banned the traditional appearance of Santa Claus, a local Senior Citizen Juan Inchcock (68) from appearing this year.
The new Centre manager Abdul-Geezer Danton, explained: “We think that the appearance of Santa Claus giving out free presents last year, may have contributed to the increase in muggings, and the riots in Nottingham this year. You see the citizens then expect to get something for free all the year, and the Job-centre Plus staff cannot provide this service with the cut-backs you see.”
He passed wind and continued in a softer voice: “Well really it’s his farting you know – fair enough he can’t help it at his age, but it is really deadly and the kids leave the shed without paying for the presents yer see”.
We spoke to some of the local residents and centre visitors, asking them what they thought of this, with the following answers given:
Gaz Tyron Shulaces (39) Drug dealer, bouncer and local Councillor: “Yea, wanna mek summat on it… eh?”
Leonnard Grapplemen (23) Unemployed Security Guard & convicted rioter and mugger: “I reckon it’s abart right, owt oh the blue like, this old git starts geeing us fings for nowt, but bleedin’ ‘ell his leaking arse is crucifying us like… worraya expec’?”
Shirley Ticklyer (32) Part-time Prostitute and mother of eight at the last count: “We could do wi Santa cummin ev’ry day ‘ere midduck!”
Mike Steedenski (42 ⅞) Redundant Police Officer Traffic Warden and now Car Park attendant: “Well there has been an increase in violent crime on the streets this year, that might be summat to do with the git-faced Cameron and his mob having just made 240 police personnel redundant in Nottingham? Santa has got nowt to do with it! Get Labour back in – it ain’t right mate… bleedin’ Tories, nothing but greedy scumbags the lot of em… we want a good riot ‘ere in Nottinum cause we ain’t ‘ad one for months nah…”
The local Constable, Mr Steedenski’s brother Sheridan (77) arrived and took the single malt whiskey bottle away from Mr Steedenski, clouted him around the ear-hole and poked him in the eye with his truncheon as he dragged him away.
Ali Bye (22) Job Centre Employee: “Last year I got fourteen Santa’s a job in Nottingham, this year only three. The reason for less Santas is ’cause four of um last year got mugged, two arrested for shopliftin’ one for child molesting and two done for being drunk in charge of a reindeer!”
At this point the shed collapsed…