Nottingham Health and Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair

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Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

F07charlesThe Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F02The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F03msThe Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F05bingoThe Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F04marshaThe Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsh Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

F06financeAccident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Sue Emall – Solicitor for League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaz tops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance.  Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer was injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe: The Match – Nottingham Forest vs Ipswich Town

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My mates were away on holiday, so I wrapped myself up in a great coat, scarf, flat cap etc (It was very cold as you would have gathered, if not please pay more attention – thank you).

I took a beef dripping sandwich, apple, and bar of Punch chocolate, and set off to the match on my own.

There was a big crowd, and I made me way to the East stand at the front wall, behind the dug-out.

NFI01aAt half time, I struggled through the crowd to get a Bovril drink, and somehow managed to get back to my spot without spilling too much.

Just as I was biting into the apple, a surge of bodies forced me and everyone else nearby, to be squashed up against the low wall, fearing another surge coming from the yobs behind, I threw away the apple and Bovril cup in an effort to free my hands to use to help stop me being crushed against the wall.

NFI02At which point I found myself being man handled and dragged over the wall by two nice policemen, who gave me a dead-leg, crammed my arm up my back, and frog-marched me into the car park, and secured me in the back of an Austin black maria!

I stood in the cage in the back of the black-maria, confused, about what I might have done to warrant being here?

Occasionally, the doors would open, and a protesting yob or two would be forced into joining we already squashed up inmates in the cages.

I could hear that the match had finished, and after about half an hour or so, the doors opened again, and some police officers accompanied by a couple of police dogs pulled out a few of the incarcerated, me included, into the car park, and suggested we go forth and multiply!

Presumably those still in the van were to be prosecuted, we in the car park were cautioned.

I found out much later, why I was removed from the ground. A neighbour had been standing near to where I was on the East stand, and had seen it all happen, and explained it to me: As I was being crushed  involuntarily into the wall by the surge of fans behind me, the apple I threw away to allow me to use my hands to protect myself from the wall, had landed on a policeman’s helmet!

Ah well, at least I understood why the bobby had dead-legged me, and caught my head on the cage door twice as he implanted me in the black-maria now.

Oh.. and Forest lost the match too!