Inchcock today: Saturday 22nd November 2014

05S001

Wide awake at 0015hrs (Bloomin’ ‘eck!).

Little Inch bleeding a bit – gritted me teeth and applied the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream.

Updated this tosh.

Meeting brother-in-law Pete this cold misty morning at 0600hrs in the City Centre. He (we) will be joining the queue for his free Pantomime tickets in the slab square.

I got missen polished-up changed WC’s and warmly wrapped up and set off on me way to town. Then I caught a bus instead of walking as it was looking like rain would descend at any time.

05S01 05S02I walked into the slab square to where the queue for the free tickets from the Nottingham Evening Post were to be distributed and I was the only one where the queue was to be formed at 0555hrs and waited for Pete’s arrival.

I waited and waited but no Pete or anyone else seemed to joining me?

I called Pete on me mobile and he was on a bus en route.

I took a photo from where I was standing, one to my left one to my right. The Christmas stalls were being prepared for opening later.

The Council House lights were on.

Pete arrived about 0625hrs and we had a natter and I shared some nibbles with him.

He explained that I was there so he could give me the coupons required to collect the free pantomime tickets for a 90 year old neighbour of his and Janet’s.

05S03QueueBeing stood still for so long the feet and knees soon started playing up.

Others started joining the queue behind us and somehow the rain held off.

Pete took a photo of me looking well cheerful at the front of the queue.

Eventually at 0900hrs the ladies who issue the tickets arrived.

I walked Pete who thanked me for helping, back to his  bus stop and had a little ponder around town as the fair got active with smell of Kangaroo steaks, Ostrich burgers and 05S04Shark slices being cooked ready for later.

Spotted a vintage type van being used in the fayre and took a photo of it.

Caught the bus back to Carrington.

Well tired and weary.

Had a bit to eat and started to read me book, but I fell into a much needed sleep – missing me evening medications creaming and lotioning. applications. (Huh)

Woke up around 2210hrs and updated this tosh.

Inchcock answers Local radio presenters questions on Old Age

Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old OAP01and the consequences involved.

He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.

They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:

1)

Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.

2)

Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: Blowed if I can remember!

3)

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.

4)

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.

5)

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

6)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

7)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!

8)

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads usually.

9)

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’

10)

Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?

A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!

11)

Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?

A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!

12)

Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?

A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.

13)

Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?

A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.

14)

Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?

A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!

14)

Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?

A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!

15)

Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?

A: Peace and quiet!

16)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?

A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!

17)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?

A: Bath.. shower?

18)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?

A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!

19)

Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?

A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!

20)

Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?

A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!

Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.

21)

Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?

A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.

22)

Q: Do you really feel tired more often?

A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!

23)

Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?

A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

24)

Q: Do your views on anything change?

A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy

25)

Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?

A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.

26)

Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?

A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.

27)

Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?

A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.

Inchcock Today – Nightmares: Friday 21st November 2014

Friday 21st November 2014

0248hrs: Awake after some horrible dreams again – some bits I can recall and am writing them now after making a cuppa while I can still remember them:

They all seemed to be connected with my failure to do something I wanted or needed to do.

I was in a big factory and searching for something I could not find…

Then I was on a big ship of some sort still searching for I know not what and everyone who I meet are trying to give me a blood soaked walking stick and or a vial of some purple poisonous liquid. Each time I threw away the walking stick and drank the vials contents?

Now I was back in the massive factory that seemed to have parts in it of places I have worked over the years.

Everyone was stopping me from getting out. I think there were four routes of escape and I kept trying each one without any luck.

Somewhere in there were exploding landmines, old cinemas and security guards? Even a nightclub entrance was in there somewhere.

I think someone, a woman I think kept bringing me Lemon sorbet and taking down my trousers then rubbing the sorbet into my knees, while laughing loudly?

Hey-ho!

0315hrs: The laptop started okay and I updated this hogwash diary. A message telling me of Windows Updates waiting to be downloaded came on screen. I clicked ‘Remind me in 4 hours’ button.

I wonder it all the trouble I had with the laptop yesterday might have been caused by the updates that were removed and are no back again?

Oh dear, it’s all beyond me yer know.

So tired now.

Didn’t go out at all.