Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old and the consequences involved.
He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.
They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:
Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?
A: Blowed if I can remember!
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she’s with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads usually.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?
A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’
Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?
A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!
Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?
A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!
Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?
A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.
Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?
A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.
Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?
A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!
Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?
A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!
Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?
A: Peace and quiet!
Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?
A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!
Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?
A: Bath.. shower?
Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?
A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!
Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?
A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!
Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?
A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!
Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.
Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?
A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.
Q: Do you really feel tired more often?
A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!
Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?
A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
Q: Do your views on anything change?
A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy
Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?
A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.
Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?
A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.
Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?
A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.