Inchcock joins the Nottinghamshire Police Commissioner Candidate list!

10

After visiting Nottingham Prison and consultating with his Age UK advisor Clivski Dantoni, his hairdresser Moresome Marissa and his Ladyfriend Binaround Brenda, Inchcock has taken the decision to stand for the position of Nottinghamshire’s new Police & Crime Commissioner this year.

His lack of education, social skills and his being a coward of the highest order did not put him off. His Doctor did try to convince him that it would not be a good idea, though. She changed some of his medications.

09

06

07

08

09

02

Sad innit?

Nottingham City Homes: Part Four: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

This article was written with the specific intention of assisting any Senior Citizen/s who may move into a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Flat accommodation at the Woodthorpe Court flat complex.

aa01The author is a male widower, with a bald head, walking stick, is overweight, 5’2″ tall, bespectacled, hearing aid wearing, boils, piles, is an arthritis sufferer, had a heart valve replacement, skin cancer, has angina pectoris, aortic aneurysm, folic acid deficiency, bladder cancer, duodenal ulcer, a sticking reflux valve, has cramps, a bleeding lesion on his miniature Inchy, taking 24 medications a day, is suffering, with partial massive memory losses, falls asleep on buses and misses his stops, has water retention in the legs, suffers perpetually between diarrhoea and constipation, has nightmares, there are no relatives to help him in his daily tasks or Whoopsiedangleplops, had no education and is very nearly a virgin, but he doesn’t like to complain like.

* * * * * * * * *

The kitchen draughts Repairs

P4 01The direction that you will find the draughts coming in through the wall, via the cupboards and drawers.

This graphicalisation does not show where the wind comes in through the window frames edges. Just take is read, that the rust holes and rotted sealing rubbers allow the intrusion of wind at all times.

Be aware that you are on the twelfth floor, so expect high winds to be a ‘No kitchen today’ ritual for you; unless you are willing to catch pneumonia, or you can afford Eskimo clothing.P4 02

You will enjoy planning your layout and trying to get everything to fit into your four paces by 2½ paces spacious kitchen.

Although, there will be no room for luxury extras, like a microwave cooker, food mixer, coffee machine, waste bins or washing machine.

P4 04After many Whoopsiedangleplops and failed calls for assistance, you should get it looking something like this on the left.

Now with a model of the cheapest of Curry’s crap cookers and the same for the fridge

Then you’ll need two days to recover from your exertions, and write a letter begging for an overdraft from you bank manager.

P4 05You will put down a dustsheet and bring in the corner display you bought in 1968, and proudly attempt to refurbish and polish it up to use in the living room. During this five-day effort, you will get tired and a bit fed-up with having to walk around it as it dries in the middle of the floor after several disappointing attempts at getting the blotches covered and polish it. it

Finally, you get it as good as it is ever going to be (Crap), and put the sprays and polishes away in the bathroom out of the way so you can clean the insides of the cupboards and drawers without the stand getting in your way.

P1020961Late in the day, and you are getting weary. So decide to have a nice bath.

Drying off after the tub is when you use the ‘Lord Sheraton’ caretaker furniture polish, in mistake for your deodorant spray.

I advise you to jump back into the bath ASAP like what I did.

You might purchase some plastic four-drawer storage cabinets, these can fit near the door to the airing P4 04acupboard that does not work at all and the assembly can be used for storing your cleaning paraphernalia.

You will spend the rest of your limited lifespan, regretting getting the drawers, as each time you pass and catch against them they wobble and the things inside get jumbled up.

The airing cupboard has bars across that you thought was a good idea after you have filled the thing up with soap powders and capsules, brushed, mops, buckets, cleaning potions, clothes, scourers, tea towels, oven gloves, etc.; You find that the bars move. As they do, all the stuff falls, they burst the door open and knock over your two four drawer Wilko storage cabinets, that then tips over spilling all your medications, tools, sewing kit, oven dishes, plastic containers and all over the kitchen floor, leaving you with a fine mess to sort out!

The bottle of antacid that broke on the way down mixes with contents of the medication pots that spilt out and joined forced with the oven cleaner, leaving you with a new designer stained kitchen floor.

Initially, at times, you may think the flat has some poltergeist or is haunted, possibly the block of flats are leaning over a bit too? This is only the wind blowing in through the two holes in the outer wall, and forcing the drawers and doors to open of their own accord. You’ll notice this is only when the winds are high, and comes through the two gigantic holes in the wall. The one in the top picture that blows through into the cupboards and drawers, and the same size one at the bottom of the wall underneath the top one.

This problem, you take to the Flat Complex Coordinator, who passes on the problem after coming to have a look, and telling you that others have it far worse than you do.

A fortnight later you get a letter from the Nottingham Home Repair Team, advising you that they will be calling in three weeks time to investigate. Of course on the day they are coming, you collapse and have to go into hospital, so miss them naturally. Two days later you return, to find a letter through the door telling you that you will be fined for non-compliance, and giving you a new date for the appointment in four weeks time.

The gentleman arrives at 1315hr on the day. Have a look around the kitchen and ‘felt’ the draughts coming in. He tells you that he can do nothing, but he will arrange a bricklayer to come and plug up the holes. A week later you get an appointment for the bricklayer to call in three weeks. Which he does; takes a look and informs you he can do nothing. You need a carpenter! He says he’ll make an appointment. Two weeks later you get a letter making an appointment for the carpenter to arrive four weeks later. Then get another letter two days later telling you he will come in two weeks?

P4 06The man comes, nice sort of bloke, he sets to assessing the situation.

Then starts to demolish the drawers and shelves to gain access to the bottom hole.

I could tell he was an experienced carpenter and workman by the way he whistled ‘Delilah’ out of tune as he grafted away.

P4 07Soon the dust and wood shavings had left lovely patterns on everything in the kitchen.

I inquired, on seeing the one spray can of filler he had brought along with him, if that would be sufficient for the two holes?

He replied; “Two holes? Have you another then?”

P4 08Well well, I thought.

He assured me that this can would be enough to fill the two holes.

I pointed out that the other hole was behind the top cupboard and only partly accessible.

No problem, with this he whipped off the partial vent above and had a look. 01W10“Yes, I can manage that easily.”

 So didn’t do anything about it the top hole. He got the cupboard back together with an hour.

No fleas on this fella!

I thanked him and off he went, whistling away.

I returned to the dust covered kitchen.

P4 09The draughts were exactly like they were before!

And, a multitude of flies had appeared all around the window frame too?

I hope this Tale of Woe offers hope to any Single Senior Citizens who might find themselves in Nottingham City Homes Independent Living establishment high-Rise flats, especially through no fault of their own.

Part Five: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

“The ‘United Carpets’ Farce!”

Please: Never risk your sanity by using these nasty con-men & imitation carpeters!

Nottingham City Homes: Part Three: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

The Electric Fire and the Wall Heaters Fiasco!

01W04When you move into the flat, you’ll notice the previous tenant (Margaret Leadbetter) had installed an electric fire in the living room.

So naturally you will want to find out if it is safe to use and operates correctly.

You will consult Booklet Eleven of the Nottingham City Homes Tenancy Guidelines, page three, section two. Here you will find;

02 04So naturally, you will be concerned about this and read the next section of the pamphlet.

At this stage, you will most likely be starting to get somewhat deeper concerns.B

Make a cup of tea and your medications before studying this one.B

If like me, you have no relatives  left alive and kicking that can help you, the Flat Complex Coordinator is sometimes available to offer you assistance.

Well, tell you where you can get some help anyway.

 

00105

Now you’ll be getting bewildered!

A bit more worried as well I should think?

But don’t let it get to you – you’ve got a lot more bumph to get through yet.

The electricity section in the What’s Your Repair pages ought to be tackled next.

Of course, naturally you’d have thought they would have carried out a safety check on it before you arrived, but cannot find a tag on the fire anywhere.

06Mind you, when you found the yellow and black tape stuck over the toilet bowl and you rang them, remember what happened?

They sent a plumber who stood looking at it a few seconds, pulled the chain and tore off the tape quoting “That’s alright, don’t know why you rang mate!” Gave you a sneering look and left!

The Repairs that are your Responsibility sections is a rather large one for you tackle next; Best leave it until the 07morning as your head is spinning at the moment, and being as it isn’t cold you won’t need to use the heater yet.

In the morning, y0ur left eye might be twitching somewhat, and your angina giving you some grief, this is only to be expected under the circumstances. Don’t forget your medications.

You may consider catching the bus into town, and hobbling the ¾ mile walk to the City Homes offices to report your needed Health and Safety Check on the fire. But I wouldn’t bother if I were you, best to see the Coordinator who will get in touch with them for you.

But do please remember, not before 0830hrs or after 1600hrs Monday to Fridays only, No one is there Saturdays and Sundays. Like the buses. This despite the claim made in the advertising for the flats of a Resident Warden present. 

Now, after the coordinator has made the Repair section aware of your needs (don’t forget to tell her about both cords dropping the wall heaters in the kitchen and bathroom while she is on the phone to them.

I’m afraid I cannot give a calculated time of arrival for you for the fire inspection, as it is now 6 months have passed, and I’m still waiting. Sorry about that.

01W03However, the gentleman who comes to, you think, replace the pull cords on the reflector heaters, will arrive within four weeks. By then, you will have replaced the cord in the 1967 built bathroom one yourself, but will not be able to reach the one high up on the kitchen wall.

He’ll condemn it, and another four weeks later, returns and fits one that does not have heater output control and runs at full ‘bank manager scaring’ belt all the time when on. I don’t use it and recommend this for you if like me you have unlimited funds.

But, remember you are paying rent for the ‘Nottingham On Call’ alarm system (As well as the ariel and extra on the rent for it, along with the community lighting, cleaning, waste disposal, caretaker… there are a few more I cannot recall them at the moment).

08This is such a comforting thing, to know that as long as you remember to keep the wristlet alarm on, and also to take in the bathroom with you for when you fall out of the bath.

A quick press of the wristlet or alarm panel that should be on the living room wall, but mine is next to the TV, as I’m still six months after having it delivered and connected for someone to call and fit it.

We are not allowed to drill into the walls (See Tenants Agreement book 2 page 11)

Do also remember, you need to call the Alarm Centre each week, using the wristlet button, to make a battery condition test. I did mine last week on Thursday; And got the engaged signal!

Part Four to follow: The kitchen draughts Repairs! 

Spring has Sprung

aa01

The words come from deep within Inchcock’s complicated, unfathomable incomprehensible to ordinary pensioners brain. The lies, innuendoes, the pathetic rhyming and grammar are his forte yer know!

Spring Has Sprunged

Early this morning I awoke and visited the bathroom to take a ting-a-ling,

As the Cystitis offered me, his usual persistent painful sting,

I realised it was the first day of Spring,

And, I started to formulate this linguistic string.

*****

Ideas flooded my brain for all they were worth,

I had ideas of wit, compassion and mirth,

Was I going through a Spiritual rebirth?

No, it was Little Inchy, the bleeding was worse,

Suddenly I was no longer ready for the hearse!

I wanted to watch the daffodils as they battle through the earth.

*****

My mood changed to one willing for acquiescing,

I no longer cared who is left or right wing,

I wanted to join in with the birds and sing,

So I did sing out, and here’s the thing,

The door bell began to ring,

T’was the neighbour, this message she did bring,

“Are you alright, I heard you braying?”

I thought you were ill, she was saying.

*****

The phone came to life and I answered it quick,

It was my bank manager. Merciless Mick,

He explained my finances and gave me some verbal stick,

Afterwards, my mind was like the Sputnik,

I was lost, confused and feeling sick,

Then, I certainly didn’t feel in the least hegemonic,

My lack of enthusiasm for Spring turned chronic.

*****

A long bath would no doubt make me feel better?

As I got in, the knee gave, but did it matter?

It went again getting out, on the sink my head did clatter,

Making a mess, as the blood did splatter,

I cleaned up the mess, on the head wound I put a plaster,

GC blue f03a

Tried putting Polyfiller on the cracked alabaster,

Ridding myself of depression, I could not master,

Had a feeling of gloom and impending disaster!

*****

Couldn’t find my glasses or ear-drops,

Started this ode, thought it was a load of codswallops,

I no longer wanted to greet Spring from the rooftops,

Now I’m fed up with life and its Whoopsiedangleplops!

No Inchcocks were harmed in the production of this rubbish.

All injuries were received either before or afterwards.

Nottingham City Homes: Part One: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

What to do, and what is likely to happen when the flat needs repairs done.

01W11

You move into the bare flat and are concerned about the state, safety and correct usages of the electrical mishmash on the living room wall.

The boxes were hanging loose, the wires deformed.

What should you do, who should you talk to about this?

First, you consult the handbook given you and find that:

All emergency repairs must be reported on our Repair line 0115 915 2222. Difficult when your deaf? If something in your home needs repairing you can:

  • Call us on 0115 915 2222
  • Report your repair online (not available on mobile phones/tablets)
  • Email us

However you get in touch, we’ll need to know your name and address, your ‘phone number and details about the repair – remember, the more you tell us, the quicker we can help – as well as what time is good for us to come and see you about the repair, and whether you have any hearing difficulties or need some time to get to the door. We’ll then tell you whether the repair is our responsibility or yours.

If it’s ours, we’ll give you a reference number and arrange an appointment. Repair requests are put into groups according to how urgent the repair is.

We charge for some kinds of repairs – we’ll let you know if you’ll be charged when you report your repair.

What’s your repair?

Emergency repairs are those that need doing because there’s a real risk of injury or death if they’re not carried out – for example if a property isn’t secure, if it’s been significantly damaged, or if there’s a total loss of heating in winter.

We’ll always get to an emergency repair callout within 24 hours, if not immediately. Any follow-up work will be completed soon after the initial emergency situation has been resolved.

We know that when something needs fixing, it can seem like an emergency – but please use your common sense, and use the list below as a guide.

Please make sure you’re at home when we come out to your emergency repair. If you’re not in and the repair that you’ve reported isn’t an emergency, the job will be cancelled, and financial charges imposed. You may lose your Tenancy Status:

Introductory tenancy:
If you haven’t been a council tenant before, you’ll get an introductory tenancy. It means that you have fewer rights than a secure tenant, and it’s easier for us to evict you if we need to.

Introductory tenancies last for a year and automatically become secure tenancies after that unless you’ve breached any of your tenancy conditions. If there has been a breach, the introductory tenancy may be extended by another six months.

Breaches of an introductory tenancy include anti-social behaviour and may result in eviction if the breach of tenancy is very severe.

We’ll always explain the action that we take, and you have the right to ask for a review of any of our decisions.

Secure tenancy:
If you’ve successfully completed the one-year (or longer if it’s been extended) introductory tenancy, you’ll then get a secure tenancy.

A secure tenancy gives you more rights, including the exclusive right to live in your home, and the right to buy it. You can’t be evicted unless we can prove there are grounds for us to do so, such as continued anti-social behaviour – and, of course, you still need to keep to all your tenancy conditions.

Demoted tenancy:
Your tenancy will be demoted if you’ve seriously breached the conditions of your secure tenancy. You’ll have fewer rights, similar to those of an introductory tenant.

A demoted tenancy lasts for 12 months unless we decide to evict you during that period.

* * * * * 

This list should help you to decide if your repair is an emergency or not.

Emergency priorities:

We will respond within four hours and complete within three working days of you reporting any of these issues:    

  • Total loss of electric power or partial loss where serious inconvenience is caused 
  • Unsafe electrics 
  • Total loss of water supply     
  • Total or partial loss of gas supply
  • Blocked flue to open fire or boiler 
  • Total loss of water/heating     
  • Partial loss of water/heating (November to March only)   
  • Blocked or leaking foul drain, soil stack or toilet ball valve/overflow  
  • Toilet not flushing    
  • Leak from water or heating pipe, tank or cistern
  • Leaking roof  
  • Insecure external doors or windows    
  • Blocked toilet
  • Unsafe floorboards, stair tread, banister or handrail
  • Exposed survey chamber

Routine priorities:

We will complete routine repairs within 15 working days of you reporting it to us. Routine repairs are repairs that are not deemed to be an emergency or programmed work.

Repairs that we charge for:

Unfortunately, some people damage their home, either deliberately or accidentally. When repairs are needed as a result of this kind of damage, you may have to pay.

Most people treat their homes with care and respect because they want to live somewhere pleasant and comfortable.

Unfortunately, some people damage their home, either deliberately or accidentally.

When repairs are needed as a result of this kind of damage, you may have to pay after your financial viability has been checked.

If we think that someone has damaged their home or their visitors have caused the damage, we’ll ask them to explain what’s happened.

Anyone who causes damage will have to pay to put it right. We ask for payment from people who have caused damage whether they still live in the property, or whether they’ve moved out.

Typical damage of this kind includes accidental damage to fixtures and fittings caused by attempting DIY, damage resulting from anti-social behaviour such as fighting, and damage caused by the police if they’ve had to enter your home forcibly with a warrant.

If there’s work that needs doing to your home when you move out, or furniture and belongings left behind, we will send you a bill to cover the cost of repairs and removal.

If you damage your home and don’t pay the repair costs, you won’t be eligible for your £100 Responsible Tenant Reward.

Repairs that are your responsibility:

Under the terms of your tenancy agreement, you have to carry out some minor repairs and pay for them yourself.

These are repairs to:

Letterboxes, door knockers and doorbells
latches and bolts
door handles
kitchen cupboard and drawer handles, knobs, catches and hinges
sink, basin and bath plugs and chains
blocked pipes to sinks, basins, baths and toilets
coat hooks
toilet seats and pull chains
tiles and splash-backs, including fireplace tiles
window catches and fasteners on wooden windows in houses, but not flats
plaster cracks caused by shrinkage
external grates.
If you lose your keys, it’s your responsibility to get the lock changed and new keys cut. We can do the repair and charge you if you prefer. If the lock has seized up, we will do the repair.

A blocked waste pipe to a bath, shower or basin is not an emergency and we expect you to repair this yourself.

We have some advice and tips to help you look after the repairs that are your responsibility.
Condensation
Condensation is the most common cause of damp. It’s mainly caused by poor ventilation. This is because all air contains some water vapour. The warmer the air, the more water vapour it holds. Condensation is caused by warm air coming into contact with a cool surface – that’s why the bathroom mirror steams up after a shower.
Trip switches
Your home has a fuse box. Fuse boxes are sometimes called consumer units
Blocked Pipes
The most effective thing you can do to stop pipes getting blocked is to watch what you put down them.

Frozen and burst pipes
If a water pipe freezes, turn off the water at the main stop tap and let pipes thaw out naturally. If a water pipe bursts, turn off the water at the main stop tap, put a bowl under the leak, switch off your central heating or immersion, turn on all the taps to drain the system (this can take about 15 minutes), then, when they’ve run dry, turn them off.


You will be held responsible for any faults, damage or disfigurement caused by any outside contractor. If you use and pay for the Nottingham City Homes Repair Division to carry out these or any repair works, it is your obligation to ensure the work is satisfactory and carried out to your satisfaction, by signing the standard contentment with work performed, on your tenanted residence.

* * * * *

CG poorly2At this stage, weary, thoroughly confused, and having missed your doctors appointment studying the mind-boggling gumph, you stop reading the pamphlet and put away the other twenty-four of them and make yourself a much-needed cup of tea.

You go to see the flats coordinator to ask for advice and you meet other tenants on the way. They tell you to ring ‘1’ on the intercom, and you’ll get straight through and can tell them the problem.

So you return to the flat and do that. You can’t hear what the person is saying on the other end of the line, though.

So you return down the lift to go to see one of the Coordinators again.

You bump into the caretaker, who returns with you back to your flat to have a look at the electrical mishmash for you. “You’ll ‘ave to give em a ring mate!”

So you press on and arrive at the Coordinators Wooden Hut, to find they have both gone home. Then discover from another tenant that they do not work weekends but will be back Monday at 0900hrs.

You return to the flat, and sort through all the Nottingham City Homes letters, advertisements, advisory notices etc. and find an email address, so you set about creating an understandable email explaining your worries about the wiring and plugs. This takes an hour or so of your reading it back to yourself to make sure it is understandable to the recipient. You send it off, and make another cuppa, wishing it were alcoholic.

Then, return to the laptop to find the email has been bounced back to you!

You get ready, and go to catch the bus into town, so you can call at the NCH offices and talk to someone about it.

You get on the wrong bus, drop off and wait to catch another one. Eventually, you will arrive at the office very late on in the day but find they are helpful – they can’t provide any advice or answers mind, but they will pass on your request to the appropriate department.

With so many other worries, things to get done and concerns with moving to the flat, three months later you realise nothing has been done.

You mention this to the coordinator, and she kindly rings them and informs you they had sent me a letter telling me someone was calling on a certain day, and I was not in when they called. It transpired that either you or they had got the number of the flat wrong!

They assured her, once she had given the correct flat number to them that I would be receiving another appointment.

You manage to forget this for another month or two, due to the pressing worries of the leaking, cracked and unopenable kitchen window farce: But that’ll be explained in Part Two of “Nottingham City Homes; Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats”… if the flat doesn’t burn down in the meanwhile?

Inchcock at the Protest March

001

There we were, all Old Age pensioners, all demanding equality,

Determined we were, awesome and gritty,

Despite no public loos nearby, that was a pity,

The rich getting richer, the poor can’t afford their electricity,

Limping along in pain beyond believability,

The police escorting us started to show their irritability,

Eventually, not without some physical difficulty,

We all arrived at the protest in the City.

* * * * *

This is where I fell off my walking stick, sadly,

I’d cut me knees, and was bruised rather badly,

I grabbed a nearby leg to raise myself up again,

And a policeman’s truncheon hit me head causing more pain,

They mobbed me and arrested me seemingly so gladly!

002a

* * * * *

I didn’t protest, resist them or curse,

At the station, they provided me with a first-aid nurse,

A strip search and interview, then things got worse!

They said at the march, I had refused to disperse,

I said the hearing aid batteries had died,

One officer threatened to tan my hide,

I remained none aggressive, my smile was wide,

Needing my tablets including the Furosemide,

They gave me a Caution, Chapter and verse!

* * * * *

The sergeant, when escorting out of the station,

Shoved me down the steps, causing me irritation,

It developed into a confrontation,

I underestimated my risky situation,

As I clouted him, on his shin accidentally with me stick,

I was lifted off the ground without any hesitation,

And thrown in the cell at the back of the Station!

003

* * * * *

Oh course, this is all rubbish and not true,

But I was depressed and feeling blue,

So thought I see if I could offer you…

A laugh, from this pensioner’s point of view.

No Inchcocks were harmed in the production of this twaddle!

Inchcock Prepares for Conking-Out. Well, almost!

NCCwalk05

I realise my love life ended in 1962,

I wondered, well, what can I do?

Would a toupe or wig possibly help at all,

Should I stop using carbolic an all?

Opportunities for frolics are rare and so few,

And the coffin preparation is now due,

I need to leave behind a smile,

So take this one, and remember my profile.

GC Smiling

I fang you!

Rare afflictions and diseases (Updated) to be weary of

Disease: Philargyristalisation (Coveted money loving, greedy git)

Osb07SymptomsWhen sufferers find their parents, MP Uncles and Aunts leave them a fortune in stocks and shares, overseas investment, property, and a Bank, that they will never have to be employed or work in their lives. They will end up lying, conning and cheating along with their fellow Etonians at running the country, and lining their own pockets even more. The Chances are those most affected, will end up becoming the First Secretary of State and Chancellor of the Exchequer for the UK. Not only this but they will be able to appear in front of thousand of voters at a sports occasion and get booed at for over five minutes and they can just stand there, smiling benignly, totally unconcerned.

Most at Risk: Those in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likely to be found anywhere. Those who are Christened George Gideon Arthur Osborne are most at risk of Philargyristalisation.

Area’s most affected: Affluent areas with a low crime history thanks to the Chief Constables, Judges, MPs and Banking magnates also living in the area.

Named Disease: Deipnophobia – Fear of dinner parties

NCCwalk05Symptoms: Panic attacks, Gluttonisation, Fear of embarrassment, Getting the correct Cutlery usage mixed up with eating with your hands. Passing wind at the dinner table.

Most at Risk: Lottery winners, those marrying into Royalty, and those on Benefits for life.

Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome

NCCwalk01Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect. No job prospects. Evicted from your home. You use the last of your dwindling savings to apply to the Lithuanian Government to emigrate there, the you come back and get enough benefits to live on.

Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections. Those over 60 who have been made redundant four times in the the previous four years.

Areas most affected: The North – Midlands, and Outer Mongolia.

Named Disease: Spooninthegobatbirthness

NCCwalk03Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude that develops in Spooninthegobatbirth sufferers, cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially. Backhanders, blackmail, bullying, lying, hypocritical cons abound, expense fiddling flourishes, and perspicaciousness dissipates from their vocabulary and mind.

Most at RiskRoyalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable George Osborne MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, now Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Areas most affected: The top 10% of the ‘Well-off’ of the population.

Named Disease: MSTG (Monetary Cystitis Tight Gits)

CL drinkjpegSymptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you. They will always find something more important to spend the money they have from muggings, robbing, housebreaking and other activities on, rather than repay any debts they have. Creating false debtor of their own, they pursue, mostly elderly infirm bloggers to try and extract some dosh from them. Most of them seem to support West Ham United.

Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, Motor engineers and Taxi Drivers.

Areas most affected: Nationwide, but London seems to have rather a lot of the more aggressively affected of MSTG sufferers.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia

DuncMonkSymptomsA sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans. Often sufferers can be found, from those waiting desperately for their retirement and release from work.

Most at Risk: Birmingham immigrants from Scotland, Brin surgeons and LibDem Party leaders.

Areas most affected: Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease: CDA (Compassion Deficiency Anemia)

NCCwalk04

Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else. These patients ad sufferers of CDA, didn’t start out to kill or be  the reason for millions of peoples death. It’s just that they found they liked it.

Most at Risk: Most predominant nowadays in Parliaments/Governments, and Lawyers offices, although can be  to be found anywhere.

Areas most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: CCYCacospysy (Irregular pulse)

Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.

Most at Risk: The poor.

Areas most affected: The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease: EDD Early Decrepitude disease

NN02Symptoms: A sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.

Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.

Areas most affected: Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.

You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

Named DiseaseA.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)

MikeDrinkSymptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else, and worrying how others not addicted can manage to get through their day.

Most at Risk: Council house estate families with apprentice muggers under the age of eight, the unemployed, Lib-Dem politicians and supporters, NHS patients and Junior Doctors, Bloggers, Pensioners over 70, Drug addicts under 70 and Post-natal females from Lithuania. 

Areas most affected: Anywhere in the so-called free world.

The Department of Health’s Mental Disorder Minister has asked Inchcock not to publish his article on the disease; ‘CMPIA’ Crooked Members of Parliament In Abundance.