Ageing humour

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 7th October 2014

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02Tu1

Awake at 0340hrs, feeling cold despite having had the heater on all night. Brrrr! Left it on this morning. (Which makes a change from forgetting to turn it off?)

02Tu2Couldn’t nod off again, so got up and put the kettle on.

Thought I’d take a photo of the usual scene outside me front door right. It were dark, dank foggy and flipping chilly.

Managed to do a bit of graphicalistion work on Coreldraw… for about five minutes, and it froze everything.

Had to force close and start everything again.

By then, it were time fer me to get things and missen ready fer launderette visit. (Tsk again!)

02Tu5Turned off laptop proper, went up for a wash n shave… more blood from the ‘Inch’. I’m getting a bit worried abarght this situation now.

 I wabbled off to the launderette, Mandy on duty today. Took her photo with the Canon camera.

Big John arrived and we had a natter while the washing twirled in the machines. Big J went off to the cafe for his breakfast.

Got the washing dried (cost £2.80), said me cheerio’s and limped back to the ramshackle dwelling.

02Tu4Got things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

Bit of drizzle. But nowt to shout about yer know.

As I passed some houses, I remembered reading that at the last census there were 145 people registered in the first four houses! I never did follow that one up.

Dropped off at the Polish shop and got a loaf and four slices of some nice looking cooked meat with no label on it to have for me supper/dinner/lunch/tea.

Got to Hospice Charity Shop, only one old chap on his own in the shop, bless him.

02Tu6Came out and the sky looked a bit threatening I thought – so I decided against a walk into town, and made for the Carrington flea-pit.

Passing this time; three mobility scooters outside the pub!

I nervously continued hobbling along as fast as possible in case any of them came out and got on ‘em while I was about like!

I just missed the rain, got in just in time.

Kettle on, laptop on and took me midday medications, then applied the creams. ‘Inch’ still leaking. (Treble Tsk!)

Updated this twaddle.

Inchcock Today: Sunday 5th 2014

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07Su01

Up at 0330hrs, WC. Checked the bleeding ‘Inch’ and Clotromozole creamed him. But I have to say, the bleeding was not bad compared to what it has been (Fingers crossed… mind you that often happens involuntarily with the arthritis). He was still very tender but I was pleased with bleeding being lighter.

Rather chirpily I came down and put the kettle on, started the laptop and nipped back up to the bathroom for a heavy-duty visit to the WC.

Huh! Now the haemorrhoids’ are bleeding like mad. I can’t win yer know! I have to be careful now, because I’m using the Cetraben cream on me skin, the Clotromozole cream on me Inch, the Phorpain gel on me knees and hands and now I’m using the Corticosteroid cream for the piles. I must not get them mixed up… oh dear…

07Su02Back down and I took a photo of the same aaaa3area as I did yesterday of that colourful sky – but it didn’t come out too well cause it were so dark, still I tried and failed. (Kind of encapsulates my life that phrase Hehehe)

Back down and made a cuppa and some porridge and took me oral medications. Discovering as I finished eating it, the porridge had a sell-by-date of July 14.

Updated this diary, and went on Facebook for a while.

After a few hours and trips to the WC, I went up to get a wash shave and other thingies done. As I stripped off, there it was again’ blood from me ‘Inch’! Good job I’m seeing the GP in the morning, must remember to go early and ask them what time my appointment is for. Tsk!

More sorting out done, still tempted to put the bandage back on – that way I can feel it when it bleeds and help stop me clothes getting bloodied. Never mind and hey-ho.

Yobs lurking up and down the street again.

I think I might go up early to save me hobbling up and down the stairs to tend to ‘Inch’ leak, and get away form the yobboes.

I can catch up on me next entry if owt ‘appens worth mentioning.

TTFN

Inchcock Today: Mon 29th Sept 14

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Monday 29th September 2014

01M001

Gorrup at 0430hrs.

WC.

My ‘Inch’ was sore and painful again, took a peep and dried off the blood. Decided I’ll have to go see someone about this and get it sorted one way or the other.

Laptop started, kettle on.

Got going with me LOMM submissions and updates.

It took me until about 0820hrs to get ‘em finished. Which I did despite the old laptop going oh so slowly.

Pottered about on Facebook, some good comments come in on it.

Then posted some photo’s to My Walks of Nottingham and the LOMM albums.

WC.

Another cuppa and a biscuit or two

Then I went upstairs to pretty myself up.

As I was having a good all over wash and a shave, I spotted the blood dribbling down onto me foot!

It took about half an hour to stop it bleeding – so I  decided to go see the GP Dr Vindla to see if I could have a quick word with her for advice.

Got me things ready for the Warfarin tests at the hospital and donating to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and set off on a hobble to the GP surgery first thing.

The receptionist phoned Dr Vindla, and I was in luck, she saw me straight away.

Anyone not wishing to read of such things please move on to past the Italic writing in red. Thank you.

Embarrassed or what? There she was toying with me Inch, while I silently whistled to meself.

It seems there is a lesion that goes about 2/3rds of the way around me Inch under the foreskin, and it was pouring blood as soon as she touched it.

She gave me a prescription for some cream and told me not to use the bandages for a week. I’ve to go back next Monday to have it looked at again. (She probably wants to take a photo of it for some Fetish site or other?)  Only joking!

She told me to get my INR level checked with the surgery nurse straight away.

I think I heard a chuckle as I left the surgery though…

Booked appointment with the receptionist as I left, for Monday next, and the nurse called me into her room as I did so.

01M04It is a new nurse, not seen her before. I wondered which nurse had left, Nurse Goebbels or Nurse Stalin? At least she had the decency to laugh out loud when I told her of me plight.

Bought a loaf and some cooked meat from the delicatessen shop.

Then I hobbled up into Sherwood to the Charity Shop.

Walked to the chemist and got me new cream for the ‘Inch’

Afterwards I caught a bus into town. Cause I wanted to take the QMC nurses their treats as wot I would have if the surgery nurse had not took me blood instead of them who I would have gone to first anyway… I’m losing this…

01M01Got to town and caught a bus out to the Queens Medical Centre, and gave the haematology nurses their nibbles, and gave em a laugh telling em about what had happened.

The journey was horrendous, I think the driver must have been a keen stock car racer. People were swaying all over the place – in fact one bloke 01M02fell on me! This is a picture I took when I got off the bus, if anyone recognises the driver, best not get on his bus on a Monday morning!

Caught a bus back to town, and went to the library to see if the nice lady who said she would help sort me out with the meals-at-home thingy was on duty. But she was not there, so I left it 01M03until tomorrow after I get me laundry done.

Had a little limp around the slab square then up to the bus-stop back to the hoppit.

I observed a new pay-day-loan type outlet had opened; Just what Nottingham needs that is!

Dropped off and walked to the flea-pit.

Made a cuppa, put me nosh away and updated this tosh.

01M05

The cream is called Clotromozole. The leaflet says it works by destroying the fungus and yeast which has caused the infection.

It is used to treat: Ringworm infections, Skin infections, Thrush and Nappy Rash: I’m not sure which I have got though?

Possible Side Effect: Irritation or a burning sensation – Itching and redness… hmm!

Well, time to get me nosh ready now, pork sarnies with Irish tomato sauce followed by an ice-cream filled lolly.

Must wash me hands well after applying me pain gel, dermatological creams and the Clotromozole cream three times a day.

Hey-ho…

Inchcock Today: Sat 27th Sept 14

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05F001

Saturday 20th September 2014

Up at 0430hrs, WC, tended to the sore bulbous red Inch. No blood this morning thank heavens.

While doing so I remembered some of a dream I’d had, so wrote bits of the memory down to put on here, cause it was an odd one. (Aren’t they all though?)

I was in command of the German Kriegsmarine, and I realised that Germany would not win this war, so I hid U-boats under seashore locations, to use later, and stocked up with ammunition food, and Nazi Youth members.

It became the current time, and our unterseeboots were sinking all the ferries travelling from Europe to the UK.

Then we blew up France’s part of the channel tunnel.

I think we shot down some planes on their way to England as well.

That’s about all I can recall though.

After I get me food delivery, I’ll have to think about going into town and checking out the prices and availability of cameras I suppose. Might try Jessops methinks.

Food delivery arrived an hour late, 3 substitutes and two items missing. Tsk!

0602WC.

Went up to beautified myself; managing to acquire another nick on me mush.

Used me Colgate ‘Herbal’ toothpaste today, if you were considering using it, be warned it tastes horrible!

Set off on me hobble into Sherwood.

It’s getting harder and more painful by the day this walking lark!

Dropped me stuff off at the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop.

Then I went out and to the bus-stop to catch bus into City.

It was an all-around the place bus, so I managed to get some reading on me football book done.

0603Dropped off in the city on Parliament Street.

Very busy today, that was when I realised it was a Saturday.

Took a walk around, and dropped into Jessops photography shop. A bloke talked me into buying a Sony DSC HX50 Camera, with a free carrying 0604case, an Intergral Multi-Card reader, and a Sandisk Extreme HD SDHC 8GB 705268387.

I managed to resist his attempts at selling me a 3 year extended warranty, pointing out I expect not being here in three years according to the doctors.

0605I’d sooner not think about how much I had spent.

Un-bemused at how I got conned into spending so much, I waddled through the crowds to the County Contact Point in the library.

Where I asked about the Meals at Home delivery day, because I thought it might on me hospital days, Monday or a Tuesday. The kind lady said they were closed there at the weekends. But if I could call on Tuesday as I go through to the Queens medical centre, she would call them for me. That was nice of her.

What are the odds that something will happen that causes me forget to do just that?

I hobbled up the arcade stairs to see if the second hand record man has had any luck with finding me ‘Acker Bilks Gotta see mama tonight’ recording on CD. He was closed. Huh!

0606I wandered painfully to Victoria Market for a look around. I asked at two book stall if they had any memories of Stalingrad book, no luck.

The market was almost abandoned, very sad.

I limped along and down the escalator, and out into the streets of my beloved Nottingham. (Cough cough!)

I popped into Waitrose to have a look around, but decided against it when I saw the queue winding down the shop.

I started walking towards Kings Walk that led to me bus-stop home, but ended up taking the long route to it after seeing a fight starting near the cafe there.

I got back to the dumping ground (house) and made a cuppa.

0607Updated this diary – then somehow managed to put the new camera on charge – I hope I did at least. I can’t find anything that tells me it is actually charging. The manual tell me it need a 24hr charge for the first one, so I can check in the morning I suppose?

I took a photo of the new camera on charge with me old faithful but dying a death old camera.

0608Back to the laptop, with another cuppa wot I made.

WC.

Remembered I’d forgotten to get some spread. So no sarnies tonight for me. Good job I’ve got some microwave sausages left to nosh.

I’ll watch New Tricks DVD later tonight methinks.

Take care all!

Inchcock Today: 14-15th Sept 2014

/ Inchie / 3 Comments

HTopDiarySunday 14th September 2014

A few springing awakes, in response to bodily calls for the WC overnight. I forced missen up at 0445hrs. Blood all over me lower regions again, I wus a bit concerned for a while, but it stopped after a little attention.

01M002WC.

Made cuppa, took medications.

WC.

I spent so long trying to sort out me Coreldraw problem, again without the slightest hint of any success. It’s all beyond me yer know.

Monday 15th September 2014

Not so good this morning, angina very bad and dizzy spells rampant, may have to go see the GP methinks.

I was up at 0505hrs after another night of nightmares and WC visits. Juan is getting fed up with this now.

Hard to concentrate this morning.

Now the guts have started rumbling again. Tsk!

WC.

Cuppa, WC and laptop started. Had another go at trying to find out what was the matter with Coreldraw9, but not knowing what I was doing didn’t help at all.

Beautified myself as best I could, washed, teggies, shaved, clean togs etc, and got things ready for my hospital visit for Warfarin level tests.

I set off to take some things to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, (DVDs togs and cutlery).

Got as far as the end of the street, then returned to put me hearing aids in.

01M001Set off again… then returned to the hovel to retrieve the bag of stuff for the Hospice that I’d left when I returned to put me hearing aids in… Tsk again!

Hobbled into Sherwood to the Hospice shop, (Bit of traffic about this morning) then caught bus into town and went into the pound shop for a gander.

01M02Got some desserts to add to the things for the nurses treats at the Queens Medical Centre Haematology dep’t. I like to treat em and make em smile yer know.

When I came out of the Pound Shop, I came across a Greek chap selling fish and chips from his van, and a Mobility Scooter driver, who had left his scooter in the middle of the avenue, and was busy stood 01M04there digesting his nosh, while others had to walk around his deadly scooter, and cars had to wait until he’d finished his nosh. Amazing really innit?

I caught bus out to the QMC, and saw a sports car that had left the road and ran into a wall. Emergency services were there.

01M05Dropped off the bus, and wandered up to the entrance – to find that yet again the fire alarm had activated, and a mass of bodies: ambulance team members, patients who had nipped out for a fag in the No Smoking Area, out-patients, visitors and, judging by how many shoulder-charged me as they belted passed me when we were allowed to enter, Olympic sprinters and rugby players!

I hid in a corner and let em get through, then hobbled in and got me ticket. All done in five minute of entering the dept, I limped to the bus stop and caught a bus to 01M01Bulwell – in the hope of getting some more Microwave sausages and any other cheapo offers. But, there were neither available.

A mobility scooter personage drove passed a stall and knocked some stuff off the display – he never paused at all, just drove on to scare someone else…

But at least none of the deadly mobility scooter drivers got me today.

01M06

I might regret saying that later…

Back to the bus station, and caught bus back to the hovel.

When I got in and settled, the yobs appeared on the street… so I went upstairs and got me head down early.

Inchcock Today: Sun 17th Aug 2014

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Today subhead

Saturday 16th August 2014

Got to bed late last night, still managed to get some kip, and only one getup for the WC (No blood)

I woke up with a searing pain at the left back hand side of my jaw. I gingerly moved my mouth and a sharp pain came for the first three times I tried to move it – on the forth it dissipated, and after a while, no pain at all?

Angina, back passage, Arthur Itis, Reflux valve, Ulcer and Kidneys seemed no problem at this time.

Gorrup and started laptop, kettle on and made a cuppa and pot of porridge, then off to the WC again (All okay).

The laptop had still not started when I got back – I fear the old girl might be on her last legs. (Oh dear!)

Stopped drinking tea from here on today: as I was planning to go and see my Sister Jane, and hubby Pete. I intend to take some photos when I get there, to use in Janeyocreating a hopefully funny post about the visit.

Set off to the bus stop, caught bus to town.

Caught bus to West Bridgford. Poddled around the shops and bought some vegetable casserole and a rather tasty looking Mushroom Potato caramelised onion meals that appealed.

Walked to Jane’s, via a different route than normal: eventually found my way and arrived.

JP001

We had a good natter, and I remembered to take the photo’s Jane and Pete posed magnificently for them.

JP7Took some of their new posh ceiling lamp wot they got, and the three portraits of rams on the wall. Yes, they are of a rather higher class than wot I am yer know.

Eventually I departed, for the long long walk into Nottingham, via a route passed some old haunts.

By the time I’d gone about two miles, me feet and knees were ahurtin’, and I had to find a toilet.

I took some interesting photos though.

In town, I struggled the last few hundred yards to the bus-stop, and alighted on me way back to the flea-pit.

No yobs about, thankfully.

WC.

Finished and Posted blogs, and then just had to get me head down, I wus well shattered.

Sunday 17th August 2014

Up at 0600hrs, after actually getting some sleep in for once. Just a shame I had to knacker missen walking for miles to get it. Tsk!

Still aching a bit in places, but still, at least I got some kip in.

WC, no blood.

Hobbled down and put the kettle on and started laptop.

WC.

Made a cuppa, couldn’t face eating yet. Not like me at all?

Tiredness came over me.

JP FueyPete emailed me a photo wot he took of Fuey – their lovely 89 year old in human age cat.

Took me medications, and started to create this rubbish.

I intended to do blogging (or preparation for blogging) all day. Well, I enjoy it yer know, I’m harmless really.

Inchcock Today: Friday 15th Aug 2014

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Up at 0505hrs.

Started laptop, made a cuppa, Grape-nut Flakes and took medications.

Worked on preparing Woes 24, graphic creating was a problem, due to the high memory needed.

Went up and did me ablutions (No blood, very little pain, looking good).

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Mansfield Road on me walk into town.

About 1215hrs, set off on me walk into town. Nice weather.

I called in the launderette to see Mandy as I passed. Well, she idolises me yer know… (Well she spoke to me anyway.)

I went into Tesco to get me wholemeal wraps.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Took this photograph from the bus as we passed me hospital. (Yer can see me camera reflection… all planned of course. [Ahem])

Caught bus to Derby. Fed the pigeons, quick walk around, then caught bus to Mansfield. (Gawd bless the free bus pass!)

At Mansfield, I had a walk around the market.

Then nipped into B and M stores,  got some curried beans on offer at 3 for a quid, and some porridge pots at 39p each. (By gum I live well!)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Mansfield – Arghh!

Noticed a new Mobility Scooter shop had opened (Or it has always been there but Inchcock didn’t notice?)

Started to get a bit dark, rain threatening.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and the hovel. Traffic very bad and slow, driver thought there must have been an accident somewhere in the road-works.

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Mansfield – Gerrin dark now!

Just before I alighted the bus, the heavens opened.

A very soaked Inchcock got in about 1750hrs.

Started the laptop, made a cuppa (Thompson’s excellent strong brew), and started sneezing a lot?

Updated this tosh.

Made a second cuppa, and dropped the milk while doing so. Tsk!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Inchcock gets Soaked!

Noticed letter had been delivered (No I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before) Got to make appointment to go see the GP? Dang dang dang dang… what now methinks!)

I’ll nip there in the morning… oh that’ll be Saturday… do they open then? I’ll go Monday.

Sorry this issue of Inchcock Today is a bit bland, but even I can’t be having disasters every day… can I?

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today: Wednesday 13th 2014

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Jane01carInchcock is going (Hopefully) to visit his Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete today. As you can see, Pete is not a fan of shavers, razors or Gillette at all. Inchcock is excited about his trip out, and looking forward to it with great enthusiasm and trepidation. The ‘Trepidation’ comes via his dream last night about wild mobility scooters on the rampage, and his excruciatingly agonising harrowing death at the hands of one of them!

1600hrs Tuesday11th  August

Yobs on street. WC. Moved upstairs, read book, watched DVD, and had nibbles.

13 8 medsWednesday 13th August:

More bad dreams. Up at 0500hrs. WC.

Started the laptop. Had breakfast (Medications) and a cuppa.

Blogged and emailed for a while.

Arthur Itis, angina and lower regions not feeling too bad at the moment. The reflux valve a bit bothersome like.

WC, glad to report all well in this activity OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAthis morning – No blood, No pain.

Updated this load of true baloney.

Got ready and set out to go to Jane’s house. Very busy in city centre. Caught 2nd bus out, and had a natter with Jane and Pete.

 

Said I was wanting to take their photo, but I OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAlost the plot and forgot to take it. Tsk!

 

Caught bus back after an hour or so, and had a walk around town, then caught bus to Derby. I had a poddle about in the Eagle Centre Market. Noticed there wus a lot lot Disabled Scooter folk about – and today they were in twos!

RedArrowFolk didn’t seem too happy today, but then there were plenty of yobs around acting in an intimidating fashion.

 

Fed the pigeons, avoiding the skateboarders belting around – bloody school holidays!

 

Caught bus back to Nottingham, then bus to the hovel.

 

Would you believe it, straight outside the house, 6 yobs swearing threatening and kicking a football about.

 

I brought me laptop up to the bathroom, where I’m doing this.

 

Didn’t want to call the police, as last time when I did, the clot of a Constable came straight to the house and knocked on the door, while they were looking – so they knew who called em. The next day I was attacked as I went out for a walk to the chemist. I didn’t see the youths as they came from behind, but I reckon it was them.

 

Finishing now, nervous and frettingly.

TTFN 

Inchcock Today: Mon 11th August 2014

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Inchletter02We’re a bit worried about Inchy today folks. He seems in a reasonable mood. Never mind, something is bound to bring him back down to earth with a bump. Talking of bumps, he had the one near his.. on his.. the one that appeared last month. The clinic surgically removed it last week, but he didn’t tell you about it because he was a bit embarrassed do you see. Well… the last few days really, nowt exciting enough to write about yer see…

Saturday 9th August

Oh, dear, WC visits throughout the night.

Woke up 0510hrs with cramps and fears from the nightmares I’d had..

Trundled down and put laptop on, then kettle on, then made cuppa and porridge, then took me medications… then waited for the laptop to finish booting up! Oh dear, I’m lost without me internet yer know.

Had to reboot laptop again, to get the internet going and letting me load wordpress with top bar on screen. By now, me cuppa and porridge were cold, so made another brew… While pouring it out, I had a dizzy spell, and managed to pour boiling water over me fingers. Applied water then olive oil to the tender red patches on me digits… oh, I think I swore a bit as well.

Posted Inchcock Today’s, then worked on graphics for another post.

Spent the whole day internetting on blogs and making graphics, it were grand it were.

Come early evening, I was drained mentally. (Poor old devil/thing).

Sunday 10th August

Up at 0430hrs. WC.

Laptop booted, kettle on, medications taken, WC, bowl of Grape-nut Flakes… then waited a further few minutes for the laptop to finish loading. I’m gerrin’ worried the old gal is about to conk-out… oh, lost without me internet yer know. Mind you, I might beat her to it yet.

Storms, rain and hibernation wus the order of things today.

Got no-end of blogging done again.

Monday 11th August

Up at 0400hrs, WC. (Bit of blood) A new twinge today to join me compilation of complications – stomach ache (Not the ulcer or reflux valve this time).

Laptop started.

WC visit, had to change me bandage.

Down, made a cuppa and took me medications.

Finally got me graphics finished for me ‘Inchcock’s Tips/Advice for those Approaching Old Age’ post, by gum it took ages.

I’ve been having a few more dizzy spells recently, and last night, I forgot to take me medications – this morning, no dizzies at all? Perhaps this is indicationistcal that one of me night medications might have been causing the problem – but which one? (See what a keen diagnostic mind I have today?)

Went up and dun me teggies, washed me tootsies, had a good shave, washed me horrendous torso, applied me Dermatological cream in the require places, changed me bandage, applied me ear-hole spray and took me midday medications.

Another cuppa, and I set off for the hospital. Got the bus today to town, then out to the QMC.

I wus seen to quickly, and out in half an hour or so. (No prodding or groping today – Drat!)

It wus piss.. pouring down when I got out, so instead of walking to town, I caught the bus there.

I remembered I wanted to have a look in the library for a book what Antony Beever had used for reference hen he wrote ‘Stalingrad’.

It was called ‘They Never Came Back’ by Siegfried Muhler. I hobbled up three flights of stairs and asked at the desk. The nice lady eventually told me it might be out of print. I should try a book store. So I did.

First I limped to Wesley Owen Books & Music, on Castle Gate. No luck.

Then to Waterstone’s on Bridlesmith Gate. They think it’s out of print.

Then WHSmith in Victoria Centre. No luck.

Along I staggered to Mary & Tony’s Books also in Victoria Centre – the nice lady there said she may be able to get me a copy in Romanian if I wanted?

I gave up.

2reportPottered around the City Centre a bit, and took a photo of the Council House – and very nearly copped it again with a Disabled Scooter nearly hitting me as I took the photo! Tsk!

Then into Tesco and got some Wholemeal bread wraps and a pack of Hunter’s sausage, and Torunska sauage. Then, after I’d paid the very weary looking chap on the checkout for them, I remembered I’d ordered a pack of Silesian sausage for delivery from Morrison’s. Well, at least I won’t have to buy any meat for the rest of the week, or even longer.

I wandered gingerly up to the bus stop, and caught the bus back to the hovel.

As I dropped off the bus, I remembered I’d not made an appointment for next week with the hospital. Ah well, it’ll give me run out another day.

I got in.

 Got the laptop on, and updated this tosh.

I did some graphics in readiness for later blogs.

Went up and changed me shoes fer me slippers – the stubbed me toes on the way down stairs.

Hey-ho…

Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

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Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

SS01catYou Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

SS 002You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

SS TVsOn the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

SS 07 12.5pYou Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

SS GC vanYou Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

SS 09 AckerYou Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

SS 08 PipeYou Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

 

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!