Ageing humour

Inchcock’s: It’s Been a Funny Old Life – Part 2

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Inchcock’s: It’s Been a Funny Old Life – Part 2

GCcomp2

Each morning there was the fire grate to clean out and renew,

Get Dad’s breakfast, he’s eat owt, porridge eggs or stew,

Then get some cash from him for groceries, not easy to do,

Boil some water for Dad to wash and shave in too,

No internet, Google, Facebook, WordPress or Yahoo,

Had to do me morning paper round while Dad ate his stew,

Back an hour later Dads time for work was due,

Off he’d go, I’d clean his pots – getting to school the next issue,

Knowing I’d get bullied and learn nowt – it’s true,

Lunch with Echo margarine or lard sarnies, Eurgh!

Out of school and rush to the paper shop, more work to do,

Back to the house to lay the fire I flew,

Dad would arrive between six and ten demanding a brew,

Light the fire make his nosh, mine is overdue,

Entertainment from the light radio, no radio Two,

Raise a laugh, The Archers and The Navy Lark too,

His language was not usually bad or blue,

But he often said: ‘You useless article you!

Wed 10.6.2015: Inchcock Today

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Wednesday 10th June 2015

Whoopsie2

Woke at 0530hrs, Porcelain visitation a lot easier this morning.

In the dreams I’d had, one about Patti Berkert I could remember bits of: Patti, Lynton and I were in a giant teepee – Patti wearing exotic native Indian head-wear telling me off for something or other, Lynton kept hitting me with a purple coloured bamboo cane whenever I spoke… inside with us were a giant typewriter, an artists easel and a Monopoly game? That’s all I can recollect. But it gave an the idea for a graphic for Patti. Which I managed to get done later and posted this off to Facebook and Patti. 

Down, laptop on, made a cuppa, fed the pigeons and took me morning medications and changed me dressing, managing with ultimate ease to bang missen on the head on the corner of the cupboard door Whoopsie2 – I believe I might have swore! Oh poetry!

Started this diary off and did header in Coreldraw x7.

Indian3Then I worked on something I’ve been planning for ages now – a graphicalisation of Patti Bekert in Native Indian clobber. This took three hours, up to now, but I really wanted to do it and hope cross-fingered that Patti likes it.

I’ve put Lynton on this version being as he had the nerve to come into me dreams… Tsk!

As I was finishing off the graphic making new pains shot across me chests – I don’t think it’s the angina this time. Whoopsie2 My reflux valve that is normally protruding has disappeared from view and feel as well, no lumpy extrusion? Just a sight or feel of any raised bits?

Today I must go to the GP surgery to book me INR Warfarin blood level test with the surgery nurse, and take some nibbles to the Launderette gal. Thursday going to the hospital with Pete to have his skin cancer cut out and tested again. Friday it’s my turn to have the same at the same place. Friday I must also go to the City Homes and Guinness Homes in search of sheltered housing at a price I  can afford.

0302I’d better get myself ready now, and get off. Spit and polish time then…

It’s the first time I’ve passed the St Johns graveyard during the day and found no dogs in it – thought I’d mention it like.

Plodded on to the GP surgery where I asked the receptionist for an 0303appointment early on Tuesday so I could keep me appointment with Steve from Age UK Concern about viewing the flats available.

After much ado, I settled for one on the Monday Whoopsie2 (A day early like)

Nipped to the launderette and gave the gal her nibbles.

Then, off to the bus-stop to go to town…

Whoopsie2 Oh dear oh dear oh dear! No bus-pass in me pocket and the zip on the pocket was down!

0304A quickish hobble back to the dump and search for it was fruitless!

So, I walk into town was called for in an effort to see if it has been handed into the City Transport Travel centre, where I got it from in the first place.

So off down Mansfield Road and through the City Centre and to South Parade where the centre is.

0305A little further on, and this young git of a Nottingham Pavement Cyclist actually caught my left arm/shoulder as he belted by me!

Whoopsie2 They keep coming don’t they! Tsk!

I don’t think he even knew he’s done it as he just carried on threatening the other pedestrians as he disappeared into the distance.

0306Down and across into Clinton Street and bravely through the milling crowds I continued on me quest.

Down and around the back of the Nottingham Council House, and right onto South Parade and down to the City Transport offices to see if me bus-pass had been handed in and how to get a new one if not.

0307It’s near the tram stop and Betfred bookies, just passed the pub.

I went in and explained the situation to the lady, who took me details and checked to see if it had been handed in.

It hadn’t – and I asked her if I should try the Transport Centre in Broadmarsh. She said “No point, they usually get handed in here, and we can do nothing about re-issuing you with one until 48 hours has passed from your losing it!” I explained that it was over 24 hours now – but she didn’t seem too interested and told me call back in a day.

0308So I poddled down to Broadmarsh anyway, being stubborn and worried like.

En route there was a five man street entertainment band giving out some jazz near Marks & Spencers.

Had things not been so hectic and me worried about me bus-pass I might have donated a bit and stopped to listen to them.

0309I got to Broadmarsh bus-station and into the Transport centre there.

I explained things to the lady there – and she said there would be a £10 replacement charge if I needed one, and took me details and went to check.

She has lovely smile on her face when she returned – with the Bus-Pass!

Someone had handed it in – boy was I glad! Good job I didn’t take the advice from the other woman on South parade innit?

Me feet and knees were hurting badly now – but somehow I didn’t mind.

0310I limped back through to the City Centre slab square and waited for a tram so I could go to Bulwell to see if they had any cheapo microwave sausages in stock yet.

I was going to take photo of a family playing in the fountains.

But being as another Nottingham 0311Pavement Cyclist came into view, I took her instead.

Swiped me treasured Bus-pass on the machine and waited the arrival of the tram.

Not never seen owt like it when it arrived – I nearly got mangled in the flood of aggressive passengers storming it to get on! Cor blimey, talk about risky business!

0312I got into Bulwell and visited some shops that might have had the sausages in stock that I wanted, but no.

I took a Bling photo for the folk on TFZ.

Then back to the bus station and caught the bus home to Carrington.

A few yobs lurking now the better weather is here. Tsk!

WC’d made a cuppa, and marinated me baked beans with Patti’s curried bean additions ready for me nosh of beans and bacon later.

Updated me Google diary with the appointments I’d made during the day.

Then updated this ‘ere diary.

Aching legs and feet, but so happy to and grateful to whoever handed in me bus-pass.

IMG_0097Got up to make a cuppa and boy did I have a dizzy spell – alright now, but I must inform the nurse on Monday about the increase in severity and frequency of these.

By gum I enjoyed me nosh tonight!

Varied the ingredients in the curried beans a bit this time:

1 pinch curry powder – Worcestershire sauce – half teaspoon Unrefined brown sugar – black pepper – BBQ Tomato ketchup – sultanas – basil and caramelised red onion relish. Not bad at all. Rated it: 8/10. Mind you, the bacon was Gammon misshapes this time.

Whoopsie2 Going upstairs had a dizzy at the top and I went over. All okay though, banged me elbow that’s all. I’m hoping there will be no more Whoopsiedangleplops for a while now.

Hey-ho!

TTFN all.

Mon 8.6.15: Inchcock Today: In a mingent state, Poor thing!

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Monday 8th June 2015

Woke at 0540hrs, no bleeding from other end – good that – unfortunately I’m somewhat mingent with the bladder – Hey-ho.

IMG_0077

This mornings sky – forewarning of nice weather and local yobs un-hibernating… Huh!

Busy day ahead for me… again Tsk!

Took me medications with a cuppa.

Got to get me posts finished and put them on the League of Mental Men WordPress site.

That took me 3.5 hours to get done.

Hey-ho, now to get the things done ready for BJ who called last night, he’s calling today at 1200hrs to collect the stuff for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and take them there for me, and drop off me shredded paper in the recycling bin.

So, better get on with sorting them out ready.

Back in a while…

Did much sorting and shredding, having 4 big boxes and a bag to go when BJ arrives at 1200hrs (We’ll see).

Had a wash and change and continued shredding away.

Spot on the dot – BJ arrived at 12.55hrs. Good old BJ never fails to be late bless him.

The bladder still painful when in use. Huh!

We loaded BJ’s car and he took me to the Recycling station, where all the bins were full. We managed between us to half close the lid on the bin we deposited me shredding results in.

Then to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop.

BJ went into the Co-op to get some stuff for his better half and I went in with him and got some bread thins.

BJ ran me back to the dump. I thanked him and he shot off after kindly telling me he’d pick me up in the morning at 0800hrs with me laundry and take me to the launderette like.

IMG_0078Got in and pondered on what to have fer me nosh – decided on sausage, mash, garden peas, carrots and chick peas. I cooked em in Red onion caramelised cooking sauce. Oh, and some bacon bits.

It was one of me better tasting meals  this one, it were grand. I wondered if I should send the recipe to Her Majesty like – but being as she hasn’t send me single birthday card in 69 years, I decided against it. Hehe!.

Laptop on to update this diary, then did some Facebooking.

Feeling somewhat shattered at the moment?

Sun 7.6.2015: Inchcock Today

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Sunday 7th June 2015

Woke at 0545hrs, mucho bleeding from the little Inch again.

On the WC – and couldn’t get off for 45 minutes! Oh dear… blood from the other end now. Tsk!

Cuppa and medication taken – pots cleaned and laptop on.

Did a graphic for Clivey Boy and emailed it to him. Coreldraw x7 crashed again! Grrr!

Then did the header for this diary – and started it off.

Early yobboes lurking up and down the street this morning?

Another cuppa, then finished me blogs for yesterday and got them posted – only took me four hours.

0701Had a good scrub-up and shave, in me togs and set off to town.

When I got towards the Victoria bus-station, I took a photo showing the old filled in railway lines and the supports that hold up the actual bus-station.

I bet that took some graft and  know-how to get built?

Caught the C single decker bus to Mansfield (another instant decision made to to Mansfield).

0702We went through Bulwell, Hucknall which I took the first photograpicalisation of me often visited GUM clinic as the bus went passed it like. Memories flooded back to me… eurgh!

Then through Newstead then Annesley where I tried to take a photo of some horses in the 0703fields as sped along, but this dark blue Transit van is all I got as he sped passed us!

Huh!

Just passed Annesley I managed to take a photo of some old colliers (miners) terraced houses. This set me thinking of all the Collieries we used to have in this area:

0705Gedling, Hucknall No1, Hucknall No2, Linby, Radford, Wollaton, Newstead, Bevercotes, Mansfield, Harworth, Kirkby, Ollerton, Bentinck, Pye Hill, Thoresby, Welbeck, Clipston, Rufford, Blidworth, Annesley, Moorgreen, Selston, Sutton, Silverhill, Teversal, Firbeck, Sherwood.
Lodge, Highpark, Manton, Warsop Main, Shireoaks, New Hucknall,
Steetley, Langton. Cossall, New Selston, and Oakwood Grange, and I’ve probably missed some off the list?

I went into deep contemplating mode for a while. The miners were extremely militant and their unions decision not to hold a strike ballet was one route cause of frustration within Nottingham colliers – but Maggie Thatcher already had plans for the destruction of the industry in the pipe-line before the strike it transpired. Whoever one chooses to blame the most – the suffering of the colliers families and the break up of communities was so very lamentable and sad.

0704The bus was at Kirby-in-Ashfield when I pulled myself out my moroseness.

As the bus passed the graveyard that has many American Airmen in it I thought I’d take a photo…

But an ambulance with it’s blues and twos belted passed from the opposite directed and frit me a bit Hehe.

0706That was two photographs ruined. Would I make me hat-trick I thought?

At Sutton bus-station I noticed that KFC had done there… er… food place up and made it look nice now – shame there was no one actually going in it for the time we were there waiting for the bus to move.

We drove on eventually getting in Mansfield bus station, and I made me way to the book shop to get half the money back I paid for em, when I got two more book and swapped em – if yer see worra mean like.

0708It had closed down – Huh!

So I poddled up to the B&M store and had a wonder around.

Got a packet of bacon that looked nice and was cheap.

Well!

0710Then I moved up to have a decker in the Pound-stretcher shop – they had some dried onions in, and jars of Red onion cooking sauce with Rosemarie, so I got one of each.

As you can see, the Pound-Stretcher shop was very busy by the photo on the left wot I took see. And this is just one of five aisles in the place – wonder how long they’ll last?

Then I trudged back to the bus-station and caught a Pronto bus back to Nottingham, that would drop me of in Carrington.

0712The house I photographed while we were driving passed it is the one just bought by a certain media mogul chappy with a beard. A bargain at £3.3m I’m sure.

Of course I was goiing to put in a bid missen like – but he beat me to it.

FibMode

0713The sky looked nice and bright as I got back into Carrington.

Made me way back to the bomb-site with aching feet – not the bomb site with aching feet like, it wer me with the aching feet!

Yobboes on the street, had to go through them to get in the house, luckily cars were going by at the time and all I got was dirty looks form them.

IMG_0076

WC’d and updated this diary.

Then had me bacon with me flavoured baked beans and bread thins.

And jolly nice it was too…

Evening all!

Inchcock Remembers the Royal Visit to Nottingham… (Sneer adopted)

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Inchcock’s Memories of the Royal Visit to Nottingham

Nottingham is preparing to give the Royal Family a warm welcome when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge visit the city with the Queen.

Residents have spoken of their joy and surprise after Buckingham Palace announced Prince William and Princess Catherine will join the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh on their trip to the city on June 13.

The Royals will greet crowds in the Old Market Square, before making an appearance on the balcony of the Council House.

They will then travel to Vernon Park, in Old Basford.

Iris Busley, 65, of Skylark Drive, Basford, was delighted at the news of the Royals’ trip to the area.

She said: “I’m really gobsmacked. We’ve never had anything like this in Basford before.

“It’s a once-in-a-lifetime occasion.”

Susan Davis, 59, of Corncrake Avenue, called for everyone in Basford to turn out for the occasion.

She said: “I just think it’s incredible. It’s just wonderful.”

Buckingham Palace announced the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will arrive by train at Nottingham Station, where they will be met by the Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge.

The royal party will then be taken by car to the Old Market Square to greet the public, before going into the Council House to meet the Lord Lieutenants of Notts and Derbyshire and invited guests. Huh!

They are one of 16 couples in Notts given the honour in recognition of celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this year. Mr Starbuck, of Clarewood Grove, Clifton, said: “It’s all come as a bit of a shock. We’re thrilled they are all coming to Nottingham.

“We will be more than pleased to meet them and welcome them to the city.”

A spokeswoman for Sir Andrew Buchanan, Lord-Lieutenant for Notts, said: “We are thrilled with the visit. It’s unlikely a visit of this magnitude will happen again.

“It’s a one-off, and we are all very excited about it.”

The trip to Vernon Park will see the guests of honour treated to sporting and musical performances by children from schools and groups from Notts and Derbyshire.

The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh will leave after this, but the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will remain at the park to watch more activities.

Nottingham City Council leader, Councillor Jon Collins, said: “As the capital of the East Midlands, it’s great Nottingham’s playing host to this royal visit.

My response was:

I’m so glad for them both. FibMode

It will be a reet-treat for them!

Being a long time resident of Nottingham, being made redundant three times, living for a month on a pension that’s less than they pay for a bottle of champagne, recovering from heart surgery, suffering with arthritis, impetigo, and angina, collapsed reflux valve, haemorrhoids, and knowing where to find the cheapest short date foods to buy, will no doubt fascinate them.

I offered to show then around the places they would not usually visit without their nine full time protection armed officers and an MI 5 helicopter hovering above.

Well, you’ve got to try and help the poor little Royal mites, bless them!

* I can show them the fourteen police station torched in the Summer riots – or rather the six that are still operating anyway.

* The burn marks on the Canning Circus station grab bars still visible as you climb the steps to go into it to report your being mugged again still brings back memories.

0402* I could take them home and show them my album of photographs of the local yobbery, with the one of the young gang who terrorise we old fold with mugging us, carry guns, breaking into our property, egging our windows, door knocking and general anti-social behaviour.

* I could show them the scenes where a party-goer was shot in the head with an air rifle, that’s only a few hundred yards to the south of my house.

* Then the pub where a youth was shot and killed, that’s just a few hundred yards north of my house.

* The spot where a man sat in a car was shot at by members of one of the  many drug gangs, that’s about half a mile from my abode, and on my weekly 90 minute walking route to the hospital for my INR Warfarin level blood tests.

0401* Take them on my 40 minute walk to town down Mansfield Road, and point out the variety of closed down retail businesses (46), where the 84 year old lady was mugged and hospitalised last June, while at the bus stop by two illegal immigrants one Sunday morning,  the now closed down shop where a lady of 67 years of age was gunned down in a raid and no one has ever been caught for it.

* Let them see the colourful Big Issue sellers as they sometimes get off their mobile phones to actually sell an issue.

* The newly opened outlets in the city centre – the Charity shops, the Bookmakers, the Coffee shops, Pawnbrokers and the ‘We buy your gold’ retailers.

* The constant traffic jams in the city, where they could increase their word knowledge I’m sure!

* Take them to the Arboretum, where sometimes you can find enough grass to sit on without having to move the used condoms, beer cans (Empty), pop and water bottles (Half-empty), half eaten take away foods, fag packets, phlegm, and sick, while they can listen to three or four other peoples music at the same time!

I haven’t had a reply to my offer yet!

I recall when I was in E19 Men’s surgical at the QMC a few years ago now, and Prince Charles was in a ward to himself above us, with two nurses and a sister in attendance full time – having his ‘tennis elbow fixed’!

I was having a hernia repair done, when they found I’d got cancer of the bladder, so attended to that for me at the same time… bless them.

0501* I might show them a photo of one of me nosh’s, to see how it matches with one of theirs? I bet they’d only be jealous though?

When Princess Diana arrived on a visit to Charles, with her armed protection officers, they were admitted through a fire door to avoid the awaiting press – someone shouted out in great admiration – “Oh… it’s Lady Di, and all the staff ran to the window to take look down at her… unfortunately for me, the auxiliary nurse was taking out my drainage tube from my penis at the time, and as she shot off to get a view of the royalty, she caught and dragged the tube with her foot, and I was covered in blood and in great pain!

I bet nothing like that happened to Charlie when he was having his tennis-elbow sorted?

Angry? Me?

Well….

Fri 5.6.15: Inchcock Today:

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Friday 5th June 2015 

Woke determined to get a load more shredding done… again!

WC’d and while suffering on the porcelain I got this idea for a poem, ode, rhyme whatever for me Inchcok site of WordPress. ‘Me life in prose’I’ll probably call it, ‘It’s Been a Funny Old Life’ or something like that – ideas ran through me head and everything else seemed to fade into the background?

I’d had some dreams I think, because the ‘Little Inch’ had been active and he was bleeding, but can remember none of the dreams now, so annoying that innit?

IMG_0029Went down and started the laptop, made a cuppa, took the bags out to the bin for the visit of the ‘Refuse operators’, and fed the pigeons as I did.

I chatted with a bloke on Facebook last night and he is in the same situation as wot I am with his Windows Lumia mobile-phone – lost and confused!

Made another cuppa and took me morning medications.

Then I got the header done for this page and set about creating me ‘Funny Life’ ode – I had this urge to get it done while some ideas from earlier were still in me head.

So I did. Took me hours.

Then I tried to master the new mobile and learn how to store numbers – huh!

0501Had a wash and shave and readied missen for me walk to town to see the Age Concern people.

It was warm and bright when I set off down Mansfield Road.

A couple of pavement cyclist en route but they were too quick for me to get a photo of them.

0502Up and over the hill, and on me way down on the opposite pavement a poor chap lay prostrate face-down, his carrier bag at his side?

The police officer didn’t touch him while I was there watching.

Annoying not knowing what had occurred innit?

0503I poddled on about 600 yards and heard the ambulance approaching the poor devil.

It was here I spotted the Nottingham Street Art in the side of the road – it must have been a recently completed bit of art, cause the vehicles had not yet crushed it. I named it “Unloved Fodder and the broken fork” Hehe!

I pressed on and called in the Age UK offices and spoke with the receptionist asking if she could identify Steve’s number on my phone. She could not help. But she emailed Steve asking him to call me.

0504I had a walk through Trinity Square, and the food arena actually had people eating al-fresco in it!

Folk near naked taking advantage of the excellent weather. (Mind you, it didn’t half change a few hours later I can tell yers – blimey, not half did it change!).

0505I managed to get a shot of some ‘Bling’ for the TFZ gals.

Quality stuff this time – or quality prices anyway!

£6000 (USD $9156.83 – CAN $11432.56 – AUD $12016.66 for a ring? Pretty yes, but even so that’s a lot of dosh!

0506As I walked around the Slab Square in the City Centre I saw these kiddywinks being led across it. At the time I took the photo I had an excellently suitable and witty quote in mind to use on here when I posted it – what happened to that excellently suitable and witty quote I had in mind I don’t know. It seems to have faded into the ether… Huh & Tsk!

Probably something about trainee shoplifters or similar. Hehe!

0507I wandered into Clumber Street and called in the EE shop to beg for assistance on how to store numbers on me new mobile.

A patient lass showed me how and made sure I’d got it before letting me leave the shop – bless her. We’ll see later when I try it after Steve calls.

Out and up the street towards the bus stop.

0508Where I experienced a rare sight indeed!

Nottingham pedestrians crossing the road with the pedestrian lights on green!

Yes, it’s true, I took this here photo to prove it! Haha!

0509Caught the bus, dropped off in Carrington and walked passed the chemist, over the pelican lights and up the hill to the GP surgery to see if me extra prescriptions were ready.

They were.

But it had been sent to the chemists!

0510Back to the chemists and collected them.

On me way, a Nottingham Pedestrian Cyclist nearly had me as he sped by – I called out questioning his parentage but he either didn’t hear me or ignored me.

The Git!

0511Avoided the ganglets mingling around.

The wind suddenly got stronger and the trees bowed it it as I got towards the fleas-pit and made a cuppa.

0512The sky suddenly went awfully dark… I mean really dark.

And the clouds started moving very quickly across the sky.

Steve from Age UK called, he is going to speak with Nottingham City Homes on Tuesday for me.

I then proceeded to store his number with his name afterwards – in me Lumia phone, Yaheeee!!!

IMG_0042Nosh tonight, thick bacon in chopped tomatoes in tomato juice with herbs, with brad thins.

I really enjoyed this nosh.

Fell asleep early – in one of those awkward positions – you know – where you wake up twisted and in agony, aching all over! Hehe!

Then woke up every half hour in a ratty mood with yourself, because your tired and only want rest?

Inchcock and the Internet

/ Inchie / 15 Comments

07top2a

Inchcock and the Internet

I’d be well and truly lost without the Internet,

Mind you, understanding it can get me in a sweat,

On getting a good reliable service I was determined and set,

That was destroyed by my using BT Internet.

_

Others tell me their providers are crap as well,

All I know is about the high cost of the BT Death Knell,

WordPress goes wonky very often, and becomes unwell,

Facebook is the same, disappearing sticking text for many clientèle,

  Google seems more stable, easier to use as well.

_

Just when you begin to master some or other task,

Updates come in, and I need my pocket flask,

No one here for me advice I can ask,

So I search the internet, for solutions to unmask,

Clever answers found, I’m just outclassed!

_

It’s hard when you’ve not never had a decent education,

What do these things stand for or mean in abbreviation?

ACK, AFAIUI, Y3, & RADBNC, not of my generation!

But communicating with others satisfies me aspiration,

To help create a friendly Cyber-Nation.

_

Despite the Internet’s problems I must say,

I like the opportunity for laughter to cyber-spray,

Friendship and fun is what I seek for and pray,

Not nastiness, anger or insults, oh nay!

Although satire, humour and fun are good today,

Just please don’t upset anyone on your way!

* No Outer Mongolian Pregnant Kangaroos were harmed in the production of this piffle.

Why Did the Inchcock Party get No Votes?

/ Inchie / 5 Comments

Statements from Inchock Party Members in their failure to get any votes in the May General Elections.

Raving reporter Dunc the Hunk interviewed some of the remaining members of the party to get their views on the abject failure.

IPgcInchcock:

Following the highly surprising result in the May General Elections – the fact that our Inchcock Party got no, nil, keine, nema, acune votes at all, may have electors perceiving the wrong message. It does concern me that our standing members failed to vote for themselves somewhat.

I think the supply of Rumanian lager and Irish Vodka I’ve obtained should encourage members to stick with the party and try again perhaps?

IPdannysozDanny Soz:

Wot? We ain’t failed mush! I’m drawing up a new manifesto now.

We is going to bounce back with a vengeance.

Unlimited immigration, free lager for the under 18’s, close all the prisons down, make smoking Golden Virginia compulsory and ban UKIP.

IPRachelRachel Headturner:

The elementary and fundamental causes of the Inchcock Party’s failure in this election can be attributed to the nepheliad-like leadership from Inchcock himself.

He set out to vote and ended up at the hospital haematology department, caught a bus to go back to the election booth and realised he had got on the wrong bus. Got off of it and caught another into Nottingham City centre.

Where as he approached the bus-stop to get to his election ward to vote he was arrested for feeding the pigeons in the city centre.

By the time he was released on bail the voting booths had closed down!

I ask you, how did we stand a chance with that ‘Whoopsiedangleplop’ prone pillock in charge.

I will be making a challenge for the leadership of the party in readiness for the next elections.

IPshirleyShirley Shazaam:

Unfortunately I was decorating the new house when voting day arrived.

I was getting on tremendously well until I came across Mike Steedenski in his chair watching the TV and having a drinkie-phoo, and had the devils own job of moving him so I could get to the fish aquarium to paint it.

He slid into a stupor and slid off the chair you see… this enabled me to get some of the emulsioning done on one end of the fish tank, but as I was just finishing that, he stirred and tripped me up causing the paint to go all over the new carpet and he was sick on it.

The ambulance arrived and managed to remove the paint-roller from his rear end, and by then it was… oh… sorry, what was the question?

MikeReadMike Steedenski:

One election day, there I was deep in concentrating on the election results on the Adult Channel when the missus foolishly came near me with the Chinese produced Ukrainian emulsion paint we got from Lidl. She knew I wus allergic to the fumes and I passed out, spilling me Absinthe and cherryade drink.

Despite it being her foolish actions that made me topple over and the wench she seemed annoyed with me – and attacked me with the paint-roller as I was coming round. Women eh?

Still it’s a shame about us missing voting cause I was in the A&E having a certain cavity checked for any damage caused like.

Still I can go back to me Traffic Warden job.

IPAlienoraAlienora Funbutt:

The intricateness of analysing the cause of the Inchcock Party failure lies within the confusion brewed within the politically accepted pedegorisation of acceptable failures as opposed to the correctionalisation of tactical preparation and responses as one would expect.

The exoticness is plain to see, and further development of positionally adopted autonomous actions would not necessarily tremefy the party’s leadership, but rather encourage a new more agreeable standard and a much more acceptableness and understanding of the needs of both electors without grandiloquence. And then we could start having raves on a regular basis to replace party seminars. We still might not win – but it would be fun!

Big Gazza:GazLogo

I think that we were perhaps always never not going to get any votes yer know. Hic!

The sooner they bring back the cat and genuine pork scratching the sooner things will not get no better if not worse!

Since Inchcock Stopped Drinking…

/ Inchie / 3 Comments

At one time I thought life was Roses and Beer rather than wine,

And thought IPA, cider and Mansfield beer was just fine,

But I didn’t know where to draw the line,

I had to stop, the decision was mine.

–

Four days in bed sweating the mattress soaking wet,

I thought I’d never finish shaking, soaked in sweat,

Nightmares invaded for Five days, I’d not given up yet,

No one came to see me for a tête-à-tête.

–

Drinking partners who I thought were a mate,

Memories of dominoes, darts, angling and pub outing date,

Even these memories begin to dilate,

I began to wander what would be my fate.

–

Financially I was better off, that was for sure,

But oh dear the loneliness I had to endure,

I became committed to work, but felt insecure,

Then got made redundant went on a job-seeking tour,

Now I found myself lonely unhappy and poor.

–

Agency work for long hours and a pittance in pay,

Got a permanent job in Security one day,

Not a good idea looking back I must say,

80 hours a week for less than the hourly minimum pay!

–

But it was interesting work, I got bit by a dog and shot in the leg,

Thrown in a canal and hit over the head with a beer keg,

Attacked and tied up one night, the bosses didn’t give a smeg,

Got made redundant there too, without a nest-egg!

–

Then the ailments came thick and fast,

Arthur Itis, sticking reflux valve but they weren’t the last,

With a Duodenal ulcer and haemorrhoids I was harassed,

Then the ticker needed a new valve and me leg a plaster-cast.

–

The hernia was bad, got it repaired, but it didn’t last long,

The pain from me Angina, and bleeding lesion on me dong,

Then me lady-friend emigrated to Hong Kong,

I needed to know, what had I done wrong?

–

I’ve tried to me sociable and nice to the Hoi Polloi,

Not to nit-pick, I’ve been rather shy and coy,

Treated folk fair whether girl or boy I’d offer joy,

Tried not to deflate others or destroy,

Although I admit I’ve not been an alter-boy,

Not been educated, can’t tell you the capital of Illinois,

Never had fashion sense, I once wore corduroy,

I have to admit to being a little hobbledehoy,

Could I do with a drink now boy?

That I would really enjoy!