Nottingham

Inchcock Today: Mon 29th Sept 14

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Monday 29th September 2014

01M001

Gorrup at 0430hrs.

WC.

My ‘Inch’ was sore and painful again, took a peep and dried off the blood. Decided I’ll have to go see someone about this and get it sorted one way or the other.

Laptop started, kettle on.

Got going with me LOMM submissions and updates.

It took me until about 0820hrs to get ‘em finished. Which I did despite the old laptop going oh so slowly.

Pottered about on Facebook, some good comments come in on it.

Then posted some photo’s to My Walks of Nottingham and the LOMM albums.

WC.

Another cuppa and a biscuit or two

Then I went upstairs to pretty myself up.

As I was having a good all over wash and a shave, I spotted the blood dribbling down onto me foot!

It took about half an hour to stop it bleeding – so I  decided to go see the GP Dr Vindla to see if I could have a quick word with her for advice.

Got me things ready for the Warfarin tests at the hospital and donating to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and set off on a hobble to the GP surgery first thing.

The receptionist phoned Dr Vindla, and I was in luck, she saw me straight away.

Anyone not wishing to read of such things please move on to past the Italic writing in red. Thank you.

Embarrassed or what? There she was toying with me Inch, while I silently whistled to meself.

It seems there is a lesion that goes about 2/3rds of the way around me Inch under the foreskin, and it was pouring blood as soon as she touched it.

She gave me a prescription for some cream and told me not to use the bandages for a week. I’ve to go back next Monday to have it looked at again. (She probably wants to take a photo of it for some Fetish site or other?)  Only joking!

She told me to get my INR level checked with the surgery nurse straight away.

I think I heard a chuckle as I left the surgery though…

Booked appointment with the receptionist as I left, for Monday next, and the nurse called me into her room as I did so.

01M04It is a new nurse, not seen her before. I wondered which nurse had left, Nurse Goebbels or Nurse Stalin? At least she had the decency to laugh out loud when I told her of me plight.

Bought a loaf and some cooked meat from the delicatessen shop.

Then I hobbled up into Sherwood to the Charity Shop.

Walked to the chemist and got me new cream for the ‘Inch’

Afterwards I caught a bus into town. Cause I wanted to take the QMC nurses their treats as wot I would have if the surgery nurse had not took me blood instead of them who I would have gone to first anyway… I’m losing this…

01M01Got to town and caught a bus out to the Queens Medical Centre, and gave the haematology nurses their nibbles, and gave em a laugh telling em about what had happened.

The journey was horrendous, I think the driver must have been a keen stock car racer. People were swaying all over the place – in fact one bloke 01M02fell on me! This is a picture I took when I got off the bus, if anyone recognises the driver, best not get on his bus on a Monday morning!

Caught a bus back to town, and went to the library to see if the nice lady who said she would help sort me out with the meals-at-home thingy was on duty. But she was not there, so I left it 01M03until tomorrow after I get me laundry done.

Had a little limp around the slab square then up to the bus-stop back to the hoppit.

I observed a new pay-day-loan type outlet had opened; Just what Nottingham needs that is!

Dropped off and walked to the flea-pit.

Made a cuppa, put me nosh away and updated this tosh.

01M05

The cream is called Clotromozole. The leaflet says it works by destroying the fungus and yeast which has caused the infection.

It is used to treat: Ringworm infections, Skin infections, Thrush and Nappy Rash: I’m not sure which I have got though?

Possible Side Effect: Irritation or a burning sensation – Itching and redness… hmm!

Well, time to get me nosh ready now, pork sarnies with Irish tomato sauce followed by an ice-cream filled lolly.

Must wash me hands well after applying me pain gel, dermatological creams and the Clotromozole cream three times a day.

Hey-ho…

Inchcock Today: Sat 27th Sept 14

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05F001

Saturday 20th September 2014

Up at 0430hrs, WC, tended to the sore bulbous red Inch. No blood this morning thank heavens.

While doing so I remembered some of a dream I’d had, so wrote bits of the memory down to put on here, cause it was an odd one. (Aren’t they all though?)

I was in command of the German Kriegsmarine, and I realised that Germany would not win this war, so I hid U-boats under seashore locations, to use later, and stocked up with ammunition food, and Nazi Youth members.

It became the current time, and our unterseeboots were sinking all the ferries travelling from Europe to the UK.

Then we blew up France’s part of the channel tunnel.

I think we shot down some planes on their way to England as well.

That’s about all I can recall though.

After I get me food delivery, I’ll have to think about going into town and checking out the prices and availability of cameras I suppose. Might try Jessops methinks.

Food delivery arrived an hour late, 3 substitutes and two items missing. Tsk!

0602WC.

Went up to beautified myself; managing to acquire another nick on me mush.

Used me Colgate ‘Herbal’ toothpaste today, if you were considering using it, be warned it tastes horrible!

Set off on me hobble into Sherwood.

It’s getting harder and more painful by the day this walking lark!

Dropped me stuff off at the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop.

Then I went out and to the bus-stop to catch bus into City.

It was an all-around the place bus, so I managed to get some reading on me football book done.

0603Dropped off in the city on Parliament Street.

Very busy today, that was when I realised it was a Saturday.

Took a walk around, and dropped into Jessops photography shop. A bloke talked me into buying a Sony DSC HX50 Camera, with a free carrying 0604case, an Intergral Multi-Card reader, and a Sandisk Extreme HD SDHC 8GB 705268387.

I managed to resist his attempts at selling me a 3 year extended warranty, pointing out I expect not being here in three years according to the doctors.

0605I’d sooner not think about how much I had spent.

Un-bemused at how I got conned into spending so much, I waddled through the crowds to the County Contact Point in the library.

Where I asked about the Meals at Home delivery day, because I thought it might on me hospital days, Monday or a Tuesday. The kind lady said they were closed there at the weekends. But if I could call on Tuesday as I go through to the Queens medical centre, she would call them for me. That was nice of her.

What are the odds that something will happen that causes me forget to do just that?

I hobbled up the arcade stairs to see if the second hand record man has had any luck with finding me ‘Acker Bilks Gotta see mama tonight’ recording on CD. He was closed. Huh!

0606I wandered painfully to Victoria Market for a look around. I asked at two book stall if they had any memories of Stalingrad book, no luck.

The market was almost abandoned, very sad.

I limped along and down the escalator, and out into the streets of my beloved Nottingham. (Cough cough!)

I popped into Waitrose to have a look around, but decided against it when I saw the queue winding down the shop.

I started walking towards Kings Walk that led to me bus-stop home, but ended up taking the long route to it after seeing a fight starting near the cafe there.

I got back to the dumping ground (house) and made a cuppa.

0607Updated this diary – then somehow managed to put the new camera on charge – I hope I did at least. I can’t find anything that tells me it is actually charging. The manual tell me it need a 24hr charge for the first one, so I can check in the morning I suppose?

I took a photo of the new camera on charge with me old faithful but dying a death old camera.

0608Back to the laptop, with another cuppa wot I made.

WC.

Remembered I’d forgotten to get some spread. So no sarnies tonight for me. Good job I’ve got some microwave sausages left to nosh.

I’ll watch New Tricks DVD later tonight methinks.

Take care all!

Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens

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AC01

 Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens with 99% local menu dishes!

The inventiveness of a Nottingham pensioner, with the help of the Job Centre Plus staff, and a grant from the Alcoholics Association Support Group, has opened a new take-away in the local City Centre situated in the picturesque crime ridden Arboretum.

It’s been built in the renovated old Public Conveniences’ building. And fitted out with equipment from closed down Old People’s Homes, Fire bombed Police stations, and the recently closed Ukrainian Soup Kitchen, it is now, after 3 years hard work, ready for business.

AC02Situated in the centre of Nottingham’s Arboretum, it’s just up the hill behind the aviary, where the mugging took place last week; it has been painted in City Council colours of green and yellow, has a special kitchen chimney to avoid polluting the Arboretum’s ambience.

Mr Zoltan Peppa, the chef and co-proprietor, claims 99% of his menu is sourced locally.

He said: “My dishes willa be different, and mosta importantly, reasonabably priced, (Hic!), un ahaving local a connections”

On the opening menu are:

African Grey Parrot and suet dumplings (Do get confused ith the cheaper dish of Nottingham Pigeons and suet dumplings as the they both have grey feathers)

Served with baked acorns on a bed of Pondweed and crushed periwinkles. Marinated in a thick ketchup and rice-vinegar sauce. Served with wild mushrooms, acorn juice, fried conker skins, and if requested can be coated in Marijuana pepper.

£2.99 without pepper – £17.50 with pepper.

Beheaded Stickleback Stew

The delicately boned flesh of (The Gasterosteidae family) choice Arboretum Pond stickleback fish, plopped in a pan of seasoned Pondwater flavoured imitation bream-brine, white pepper, salt, gungo beans, plain Lithuanian flour, mango-sugar, and local tap water. Stewed for over two hours.

£3.95

Pigeon Curry

Locally procured plump pigeons, de-feathered, beheaded, gutted and marinated in a rich popular local marinade of curry powder, Chilli powder, BBQ ketchup, none brewed condiment, raspberry jam, salt, and crushed beaks of Nottingham Arboretum Mallard pond ducks.

£2.99

Jobcentre Soup

Local tap water, with Mulligatawny soup (Asda own label), pretend balsamic vinegar, and freshly dug potatoes from the nearby allotments of nearby residents at night to assure freshness are added. With a four inch thick slice of locally shop-lifted Continental bread.

£1.45

Police Station Fire Bombed Tikka Surprise

Vindaloo curry, garlic, raw red capsicums, flamed Patna rice and rare Nottingham canal seaweed, hot chilli, burnt toast, and locally bred roasted frog legs, with Szechuan sauce.

£3.87

Unemployed Pasty

Due to excessive demand in advanced bookings, we’ve run out of ingredients for this pasty. It is no longer unavailable, sorry.

(Locally collected) Birds (Swifts) Nest Soup

Swiftlets make their nest from strands of gummy saliva, which hardens when exposed to air. Once the nests are harvested, they are cleaned and collected by ourselves from the many trees in the Arboretum, where they are prepared and served simmered in our own recipe of squirrel’s broth, with rock sugar, pond water, green onions, lamb stock, Sparrow’s egg whites, ginseng roots, cornstarch, and used McDonalds cooking fat. Served on its own, and very enjoyable with a stick of root liquorice.

£9.99

Sparrow legs & Imitation Belly Pork slices steamed in local sunflower leaves.

A cheap meal for one. The skilfully dissected toasted legs, are marinated in black bean sauce with suet overnight, and served with a side dish of (Tesco) out of date fried in beef stock imitation belly pork slices, decorated with the delicately prepared blanched spread Sparrows wings.

£1.59

Boiled Locally gathered Eggs Cocktail

A nice mix of Budgerigar, Mallard duck, Pigeon, Sparrow, Blackbird, and Canary eggs, mixed in a favourite local mixture of pizza, hamburger, and chip patties. With, ketchup, mayonnaise, curry powder, and beef dripping.

£2.99

Drinks Available:

Cheap Tea (Asda, Morrisons, or Tesco own label) 19p

Best Tea (Yorkshire, Co-op 99, or English Breakfast) 70p

Cheat Tea made with Purified Pond water & lemon 40p

Coffee – Not available

Shoplifted Coke or Cola 50p

Brewed tap water & Red Bull 90p

Health Warning:

When entering the Arboretum, we thought you would like to know that the majority of the muggings take place at the Mansfield Road end entrance, or near the trees. And the last two murders took place at the top end near the fire-bombed destroyed Arboretum Hotel.

Inchcock Today: Wed 10th/Thur 11th September 2014

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Slab InchyWednesday 10th September 2014

Up at 0400hrs. (Making it four last night Tsk!)

Started laptop, made cuppa, then WC.

Got me bag ready with the Nottingham Hospice things in, then I did some work on posts for the blog.

Shave: dropped me razor and broke it, so I used a throw-away one, wash, teeth done, cleaned tootsies and glasses, changed bandage (Must remember to get some more soon), applied me creams and pain gel.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood Nottingham Hospice Shop, nice day, hope it doesn’t bring out the yobboes… crossed fingers.

Gave em me bits at the Hospice shop, and caught the bus to town.

Got some bread to feed the ducks with, and caught bus to Derby.

Fell asleep on the bus, bus only for a moment or so.

The Derwent riverside had loads of folks, dogs, mobility scooters, and yobs around, and hundreds of ducks. I observed the mallard ducks were getting a bit nasty with the immigrant giant Canada geese in their fight to get to the food being thrown to them. I hope Campbell doesn’t hear about this? There seemed like thousands of pigeons in the melee. I forgot to take any photographs though. (Huh!)

WTh01Had a walk into the Eagle shopping centre market: Dead as a dodo in there, and even more stalls closed down. Mind you, there was still the Mad Mobility Scooter driver danger ever present.

Had a walk about for a bit, then I caught the bus back to Nottingham. I got on the one that takes the round-WTh02about route so I could enjoy the scenery for a change. But fell asleep before it got to Draycott, a very kind lady woke me up at Beeston… I felt such a fool!

Dropped off in the city centre, and called onto the Chinese Food Shop and got another pack of the vegetable nibbles, as i like the last one muchly. The girl in the shop is I think, falling in WTh03love with me; she ignored me far less viciously than she did yesterday!

Dropped off the bus thinking I’ll call at the GP while I think of it. A chap stopped me and asked for directions to the City hospital, no problem for me, so I gave em to him. Then I walked home forgetting about the GP again.

Made a cuppa then updated this tosh. So tired now.

Thursday 11th September 2014

Kept waking up all night. Woke up at 0505hrs.

WC.

It felt like I’d had a different bad dream each time, but I could only recall bits of the last one;

I was leader of the country; I stopped production of all nuclear, atomic, nerve, gas and germ weapons, and ordered that they be buried as deep as possible underground, but with a failsafe detonation system attached. I held a meeting at 0930hrs and told the world that if they do attack us, we would detonate all of our weapons underground, and this would destroy the entire planet! At 0938hrs the first missile landed in Stalybridge. At 0942hrs, I detonated our stockpile, and found myself along with everyone else, in the queue at St Peter’s gate… not sure hat happened then.

How I can remember the times is amazing, yet I forget so much other stuff that I’m sure was in the nightmare? I’ve vague memories of George Osborne being in the nightmare somewhere?

WC.

Got down, started laptop and made a cuppa, took medications.

WC.

Blogged for a bit and did some graphics ready for later use.

Got me things ready for the launderette, and set off.

Got the machine going after the big gal on duty today made a fuss of me… well she said “Good morning”.

WTh09INRI got the togs in the drier when the washing machine had done its bit. And walked over to the GP to fetch me prescription. I got a rollicking for not replying to their Email giving me my new medications dosage.

I humbly apologised and told them I would not let this happen again. Then gave them some nibbles to eat.

Went over to the chemists, handily located next door to the launderette, and got me prescribed extra pain killers, gel and dermatological cream.

WTh04Back to the launderette, and got me Spike Milligan book out to read.

Folded the togs into the bags when they were dry enough, said farewell to the big gal in the launderette, but she was on the phone and didn’t hear me like.

Got home (Using the term in its loosest sense), put me togs away, got me Nottingham Hospice bag that I prepared earlier, WTh05and set off on a walk to the Sherwood.

Noticed some nice old cars parked up on the way, looked like they’d been parked up for years.

Arthur Itis was causing extra bother in me left knee this morning.

I called in Wilko on the way, to see if I could get any microwave plates and dishes – couldn’t find any though, but I did get a cheapo can-opener to replace the one that collapses while I was using it last night. (Curried beans all over me and the floor… Tsk!)

Got to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and the girls there thanked me for the donations and nibbles wot I took ‘em. Bless ‘em.

WTh06Crossed over the road, and called into Holland’s to get some pistachio bars, but didn’t have any in, so I didn’t.

Noted a mobility scooter parked outside the bookies, gave it a wide berth!

I was limping a fair bit now, as I passed the Police contact point on the WTh08other side of the road, where the burglar alarm was going off. No chance of catching anyone there as the police only occupy it for two half days a week.

Further along I passed the new pub, there were three mobility scooters outside of it; glad I didn’t pass it later when the drivers were staggering out and putting lives at risk by driving em in an intoxicated state!

WTh07

Where I had me dizzy spell

Got near the top of the hill, and suffered a few dizzy spells. Realised I’d not had me hat on for about half a mile, so put it on, despite looking a twit in the warm sunshine. The spells stopped after a few minutes, and I continued the walk back to the dump.

As I turned the corner into my street, a bloke with two bull terriers walked past me, neither had a lead or muzzles on. I could see a fight taking place between two women at the far end of the street… so nice to get home innit?

I got in, WC. Laptop started, made a cuppa, and couldn’t find me cheapo tin-opener?

Updated this tosh.

WC.

Inchcock’s Trip to Amsterdam

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EM01

I called in at  an East London car mechanic, who insisted on calling himself himself a Vehicle Technician the other day, to see if my car was ready yet to be picked up, as I had to go to Amsterdam that afternoon.

 The chappie explained to me that many problems had been found that he had not anticipated, and produced a list of which he read out to me.

I thought that £900 was a little on the high side, the car can only be worth£290 tops – nor do I recall the front nearside wheel hanging off when I took it in to have a new drivers side wing mirror fitted. As for the damage to the bonnet? But it was a long time ago when I took it in, over six weeks ago and my mind might have been confused a tad. But the wing mirror had still not yet been fitted.

GertrudeHe spat on the floor and with a kindly smile then offered to hire me a company car at a reduced rate that I could use for my business trip to Netherlands.

He pointed out that it was a classic, and would be ideal as it was an estate model, for my transporting my stuff to see the client. And that it was named Gertrude, after Gertrude Elderley the 1924 swimming Olympian who became the first woman to conquer the English Channel two years later. He added that she will be going over the channel herself now, and that was a heart-warming thought as he stifled a tear (or laugh?) and it seemed this brought a smile to his face for some reason.

Anyway, I took the Morris Minor Estate home, but it broke down within two hundred yards.

CamC4I walked back to the garage and found the chap stood reading Forbes magazine in the workshop, although using the term work was not strictly applicable.

He cursed under his breath, gave me look that would have done Hannibal proud, and followed me out to the car. He had a look and said threateningly: “Burk! You ain’t put no petrol in it have yer?” Then he wandered off back to his garage… well I say garage… 

So I walked to the nearest petrol station, bought a can and some petrol, returned and put it in the car. This was going to be an expensive trip I thought.

I drove to me shed, and loaded the gear I needed easily enough into the back of the Morris Minor. It didn’t take too much effort for me to eventually get the rusty back doors to close, just time, cut fingers and plastic ties.

Trying to sell Gas lamp light wick trimming gear is not easy you know.

The trip went okay, and the car drew much attention, mostly from the Dutch traffic police.

When night came, I left the Hotel Pooier and went for a walk around the city. I came across one of the many brothels, that was to be expected, but guess what I saw – a lucky chappie inside cleaning the windows. I wonder ho they paid him?

CamOxfordhome

I got a bloke to take a picture of this like… what can I make of it?

I waved at him, but he hid behind the curtains.

Any when I got home, I took Gertrude back to the garage mechanic… sorry Vehicle technician, but the road was blocked off by police vehicles and armed response officers. I noted there were Counter Terrorist units, Police helicopters circling above, a Royalty Protection unit, Drug squad vans, Police dog units, Bailiffs, Reclaim Sheriff’s and a head-librarian in attendance.

I’ll try to contact him again next week… or not…

Inchcock Today: Saturday 6th Sept 2014

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Saturday 6th September 2014

Up at 0500hrs, and blimey I can remember a dream! (Well some of it anyway)

WC.

Me Dream: I was young fit and working at the Co-op store on Parliament Street in Nottingham, and I think I was clearing all the stuff off the shelves into customer trolleys… there was someone there with me who I recognised but have forgotten who now, then I was on Carlton Hill, pushing the loaded trolley to wherever it was to go, and a girl I used to work with in 1962, Rita appeared on the pavement and started talking to me. I became engrossed in conversation with her, and the trolley ran away down the hill.

Suddenly the hill became somewhere else, but I knew it, and chased after the trolley. UsatRossAs I ran on, doors kept opening in both sides of the road and people were calling to me…

A doctor with a beard, turban and a scalpel in his hands: “Come back, we need to operate again…”

My old boss at Scan security Kevin, with ‘Ross’ one of guard dogs we used: “Ross’s here mate, come in and see him, did you bring any pigs ears for him? He still loves em yer know…”

UsatHCbrutBrian, the accountant who ripped me off and put me into bankruptcy when I had the shop: “Sorry, it was nothing personal, come in and I’ll make you a cup of tea…”

The Grim Reaper appeared on a rooftop: “Oi… I’m waiting, get yer arse up ‘ere youth…”

Henry Cooper: “Splash it all over…”

UsatackerAcker Bilk came out of a door, singing “Buona Sera Seniorita”?

There were many others, but I can’t recall them.

I lost site of the trolley as it disappeared into an unrecognised building. I caught up and started searching for it, to find Susan Maughan (Off the song Bobby’s Girl fame, and she married theatre director Nick Leigh, and not me!) emptying the goods from it onto some shelves, she sneered at me “Who the devil are you? Sod off!”

I was amazed that I could remember so much of the dream, very rare that. But, what did it mean? Nowt I suppose, apart form the I’m cracking up?

Started laptop, made cuppa. Took medications.

Started work on some graphics for me later posts, just hoping that BT internet does not start playing up again.

All I did today really was blogging work.

Inchcock Today: Birthday Boy 28th August 2014

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18 8 01

Hanging onto the chair this time to stop himself tumbling over

Thursday 29th August 2014

Last evening, sister Jane rang me up to see if I was going to take a couple of buses and visit her today.

Odd thought I. It was then she asked me if I’d forgotten it was me birthday. I told her “Of course not Jane… cough cough…”

It seemed that I kept springing awake every half hour throughout the night, remembering I’d had a horrible dream each time I’d nodded off.

I had wanted to awake in time to listen on Radio4 extra’s programme ‘Hat’s Off’ Series 2 Episode 1 of 4 Maureen Lipman compiles and reinterprets monologues, letters and songs originally written and performed by Joyce Grenfell.

But no. Around 0350hrs I drifted off and slept until 0620hrs and missed it. Tsk and bother!

I peeped out of the bedroom window, raining/drizzle, and a mob of about 11 yob’s walking down the centre of the street. Luckily they kept walking. Early morning muggers, or late drinkers perhaps?

By 0650hrs, I was on the laptop and drinkin’ a cup of me newly purchased English Tea. (Not as good as I thought though, not very strong but they’ll do.)

Had a go on wordpress and facebook for a bit, then went up to do me ablutions and readying missen for me trip to see Jane and Pete.

I noticed that Google had put some cakes on their browser, with the words ‘Happy Birthday Gerald’ on em. This stirred my foggy mind, and I had a peep which other famous (Cough cough) folk had been born in August like wot I was: Hermann Göring (same day), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rudolph Hess, David Bowie, Napoleon Bonaparte, Obersturmbannführer August Becker,  Robert De Niro, Davy Crockett, Friedrich Schumann (Killed six people and executed), Deng Xiaoping, Evander Law (Confederate General) and Nikolai Dzhumagaliev Kazakh (Who killed and ate 8 women. Judged insane). Oh, and Shaun Connery.

It’s a shame for em that they couldn’t have been a little more successful like wot I am really.

Must remember to phone Jane before I set out, to see if me timing for the visit is okay with her.

Went on Facebook and got many birthday wishes that I appreciated, and Andy from the USA emailed me greetings. Course I’m still sat here on me own on the laptop. Depressed me, no not so bad really?

Got missen ready then I called Jane, it was arranged I’d get there (at their mansion) for about 1200hrs.

But, the best laid plans and all that…

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A cracker of a card from Jane and Pete

Last job before leaving was to put me hearing aids in, but the tubes were missing. It was then I remembered I’d taken em out to soak em like, but could I find them? No!

19 8 001b

He’s alright now, took his midday tablets. Still hanging on this time to the worktop to stop himself going over, bless him!

The postman called while I was searching, no cards in the mail, but then again there hasn’t been any for donkeys years now, no bother, no sweat. Mind you, the one I collected from JAne and Pete was a cracker!

Aha… found the tubes… where you ask (or should have). In the washing up bowl under the pots of course. No idea why. Took em out and gave em a good rinse, fitted em and I was off out.

Caught bus to town, then second bus out to West Bridgford.

The rain trickled down as I walked to their house.

We had a natter about nothing, but it was interesting. Pete showed me how his mobile phone can take wide shots. So I asked him to take a couple with me at the end, which he did.

19 8 001a

Onion’s Jane wanted – Lidl fail again

The Feature Pic at the top of this page was taken by Pete, and doctored by Inchy… oh, that’s me!

Jane asked me if I would try to get her some onions in oil like wot I got her last month – this meant a visit to Lidl on the way home for me.

I managed to smile through the depression and pain for Pete to take 18 8 04a photo. Might be worth something in a few years when I’m dead and become famous yer know… or not.

A cuppa another natter, and I hobbled off on me walk to town to catch the bus back to the flea bitten hovel. (Thank heavens for the pensioners free bus pass!)

The walk to town took about 40 minutes, and me feet ached something chronic – then the rain started. Then the angina played up. Then me knees played up.

I had a walk (limp really) around town a bit, managing to avoid the multitudinous disability scooters, big issue sellers, cyclists on the pavement and Jehovah witnesses.

18 8 01

Did it rain? Yes!

The rain really started pouring for a few minutes as I was crossing the road to catch the bus back.

 I dropped off early, and nipped into Lidl, but they had not got any in what Jane wanted. Phoned Jane to inform her. I’ll have a walk to another Lidl tomorrow to see if they have any in for her.

18 08 4

Inchcock managed a smile through his pain

Yobs lurking as I got home, but no hassle as yet.

I’m going to have a veg and meat pastie, instant mash with cheese, garden peas followed by yogurt and an orange sucker… and they say I’m not refined eh? I bet the Queen isn’t gonna eat any better than me tonight… maybe. Mind you, she’ll be cooking it or washing up afterwards will she? God bless her cotton socks.

Health-wise it has not been a good day, otherwise okay. Can’t have it all ways can we.

Tut!

Inchcock Today: Mon 25th Aug 14

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Monday 25th August 2014

A nice trip out for the old git

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Drizzly day

Woke about 0400hrs, couldn’t nod off again. Lay there thinking of the horrible dreams I’d been having. Thought I might record em on this bog. By the time I’d gotten downstairs made a cuppa and me porridge, I couldn’t remember em, huh!

BT internet in and out again this morning.

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Inchcock gets mechanical

Found missed call, voice-mail message (that I could not hear), and text message from Big John Wayne me mate. Said he’s going to Papplewick Pumping Station today, and he will ring me in the morning (today).

Got some blogging done despite BTs best attempts to foil and frustrate me completely.

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Big John cautious with the horse

Rang BJ, and agreed to go with him and his better half Julie.

I had to be  at his dwelling a 1230hrs.

Did me ablutions (No blood, hurrah!).  Dizzy spell whilst having a wash and shave.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood to BJs house.

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Inchcock looking happy (Worrying that!)

We set of and got to Papplewick about 1300hrs.

 Great walk about, and natter to many folk there. Despite the rain, we all enjoyed it, me very much so. Nice to get out with someone to talk to.

Fed the fish in the pond. Fussed a horse in the WW1 display, and it didn’t bite or kick me either!

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Inchcock pretends he is talking to someone

I got back about 1605hrs, BJ dropped me off at the house.

Made cuppa, and got laptop going to update this blog.

BT internet in and out again.

Later, did some microwave sausage sandwiches for me nosh.

By gum, I live the good life yer know… or not?

I actually made a friend today at Papplewick Pumping Station yer know… her was big, hairy, had four legs, big teeth, and wafted her tail in my direction…

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Inchcock’s new friend. Daisy!

TTFN all.

Inchcock’s Local Elections Survey – From hospital!

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Reporter Juan Inchcock’s Interviews Hospital Staff and Patients

GC zimmer04jJuan had originally been out on his mission to obtain the views of the Nottingham public, on the upcoming Local Elections, while the July to August 2012 Olympics were taking place, but he suffered failure in that attempt when he was injured as a Mobility Scooter knocked him over, as he was out trying to get people’s views on the upcoming local elections for the WordPress Failed Writer’s Gazette’s Juan Inchcock Column – Local Elections Survey. Hence this, his second effort, done during his stay in ward E19 of the QMC hospital in Nottingham, as a result of his injuries received during his first attempt.

Al05letterAs soon as he started to come around after the hernia operation, he was again, on the job. Pen and pad at his bedside, ready to record the views of the NHS staff on the local elections.

His first victim to be interviewed was male nurse Mahmood Shafquat (23), who was returning the intrepid patient’s replacement urine bag, when pen in hand, Juan inquired of him:

“Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette  Sir?”

“Too very busy!” was the reply, as he rushed off back to the rest room TV set, leaving behind him the aroma of cigarette smoke.

Al 04Moments later, a smiling SEN arrived with the medication chest, and started to issue Inchy with his prescribed tablets. He asked her for her views:

“Oh… will this be going on the internet then?”

“Well, yes I hope so” Inchy replied

“Good, that bastard Cameron and his shitty-headed rich snotty unelected set of champagne guzzling spoon-in-the-mouth gits should be assassinated, murdered, killed painfully, have their knobs chopped off, and be deported to Outer Mongolia, the scum bags, the punks, the nasty nihilistical knob-ends…”

A shaken Juan waited until she had finished her tirade then replied “Oh… well it was the local elections that I wanted to know your views about really nurse.”

She did not flinch from carrying out her duties and continuing to dispense the medications she said:

“It’s time we had a revolution you know, it should start here in crime ridden filthy Nottingham, knock-off the crooked councillors while the 280 Nottingham policemen are in London policing the Olympics, it should be easy, I can give you a contact number if you want to help us?”

A now severely confused Juan said:

“That’s alright thank you, I’ve got that down.”

The nurse then handed him a plastic cup of water, smiled gently and handed him his tablets saying “Now take these down Mr Inchcock, and take care now. See you later old timer.”

She moved on to the next bed, leaving our reporter dazed.

Al01A Dr Inzamam Choudhury (41) from Gastroenterology visited Inchcock’s bed, and he was asked by Inchcock: “Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette please Sir?”

“Good heavens no, I live in Richmond and commute each day… you don’t think I’d live here in Nottingham do you?”

He was still laughing as he left the ward an hour later.

A little later, an Auxiliary Nurse informed the patients that could walk, that the food was ready to be collected at the end of the ward.

Juan got out of bed, and masterfully coped with the zimmer frame and saline drip stand with the accompanying tubes, and waddled down to get his food, pen and pad in his pyjama pocket.

The assistant issuing the food, being his target for an interview, he waited until the ‘rush’ died down, and asked his question, getting the reply from the large, aggressive beauty behind the food trays:

“What? Why do you want to know? Do you think I’ve got time to talk with the likes of you? Sod off!”

Al 03He struggled back down the corridor to his bed, really rather glad she had not given him any food, because he now realised he could not have carried it anyway.

Then, a Hygiene technician started to clean under Inchy’s bed, and he asked her what her views were on the upcoming local elections. She replied:

“Are you talking to me ducks?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind?”

“Bless yer” she replied, bent down an gave Inchy a kiss on his bald head, and walked away laughing?

The Senior Charge Nurse Lance Boyle (36) informed him that Dr Seymour Butt from Psychiatry was coming to have a talk with Inchy!

Al 03betOnce more confused, Juan thought at least he might be able to get the doctors views on the local elections.

The doctor arrived, drew the curtains around the bed, smiled and asked Juan to drop his pyjama bottoms, and started to examine in detail what had been exposed.

Juan took the chance to ask the doctor what his views were on the local elections.

The doctor carried on with his fondling and prodding, and replied:

Al 06“Not a lot, but I suppose the council has to be run by someone. They get a lot of stick I’m told…”

At this point Juan wondered why a doctor from the Psychiatry department had got his wedding tackle in his hands, and was smiling!”

Still, it was all over within an hour and a half and the Doctor patted Inchy on his head, thanked him, popped a polo mint in his mouth and wandered off?

At this stage, Inchy gave up his quest for people’s views on the upcoming local elections.

Alien’s Begging Letter to Home from Nottingham Translated

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

Al headSoz

Al 06

Inchcock Interview Alien Splgrhgh

Nottingham reporter and wicker-bottom chair repairer Juan Inchcock, has deciphered a letter meant for despatch to another planet, by an alien who had to make an emergency landing on earth, in the Nottingham Council Benefits Office toilets. (Currently under review for closure)

Here is the Juan translated wording:

Dear Mother & Father,

Just to let you know that I am safe after the Lunarzodiac 1066510437 Transportation Vehicle crash landed on the planet Earth.

Al01

The kind earthlings attempted to rescue me when I crash landed… I think?

I landed on a little island called Britain (Although some of the population are out in jail and fined for calling it England?) in a built up locality known as Nottingham, in the centre of the island.

The kind local people must have seen I was in trouble, and broke into the building to try and rescue me.

The many locals immediately took away my damaged LTV-vehicle parts, and I assumed by way of a greeting and welcome, there were many of their land vehicles with blue flashing lights and klaxons in celebration of my safe landing.

They belted me around the head several times, presumably to make me feel at home with the others taking part in what I now know is bi-annual festival they observe here in their summer, as depicted by one of the placards one of their younger rings in the nose types in a gang of 40 or so who were playfully chasing, and throwing lit torches at two men in uniform in one of the vehicles that had the blue flashing lights on top, as they sped away, was carrying that read ‘Blood & Fear’, known as ‘Riots’.

I have been here a long while now, and have discovered many things about this race called, humans, and their habits and ways.

Different nations of the globe use different kinds of ‘currency’ for trading, pleasure, and killing each other. It seems those with the most currency live longer, can get medical help quicker, and tend to be the ruling class of the planet.

Every few years, their leaders send the lower classes to commit something called genocide on the peoples of other nations?

It appears they are now running out of oil, fuels, and common sense.

I have also found out that many of our own criminals have landed here over the years, and taken new identities: Judas Iscariot, Caligula, Mao Si Tung, Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, Tony Blair and David Cameron being amongst the names they adopted.

Al 03

Guinness

They call this liquid Guinness – it gives the drinker of sufficient quantities a feeling like space-lag they tell me

They drink beverages, like the ‘Beer’ that was cheap until recently, and enjoyed by their proletariat classes, despite their desire to swear, fight, and have a curry and be sick afterwards. And hot burning liquids, called ‘Spirits’ which destroys the livers of the better off ones.

When the lower order of their species get their ‘Benefit currency’, they go straight to what they call a ‘Bookmaker’ and donate much of it to him. Apparently giving it to multiple bets, place, win, each-way, double, treble, accumulator, or a round robin.

Al 03bet

I have yet to find out why, but this seems to make a Mr Coral, Mr Ladbrooke, Mr Betfred, and Mr Paddy Power so happy.

I have noticed that the ‘Britains’ seem to collect many peoples from other countries, Pakistan, Kurdistan, Poland, Jamaica, Lithuania, Romania etc. This causes difficulties in their understanding each other. But they seem to get on fairly well. And the locals kindly put out green bins on the pavements for the others to sort through each day. I think these are a generous people.

Some of the younger ones do not get enough food, education, or ‘Currency’ to exist very well. Others have enough of everything, even making servants of other well ‘Currencied’ beings, by making them fags?

Those in charge, are crooked, cruel and inconsiderate, but the masses don’t seem to mind, as long as they get their Benefit cheque, child allowance, Coronation Street, Football, sex, and ‘A good piss up once a week’.

I have decided to come home to Eruxtrasphere One in a few weeks time.

This is due to an impending disaster in the capital of the country, when they hold something called ‘The World Cup’ there.

Al 04

This is where I’ll be waiting to get collected from… Please!

I read that the BNP will be out protesting, the Muslim Brotherhood will be out protesting, Al Qaeda will be out protesting, the Keep the Police Stations Open Protesters will be out protesting, the striking Teachers will be out protesting, the Failed Asylum Seekers Support Groups will be out protesting, the Respect party members will be out protesting, the We Love Greggs Supporters will be out protesting, and Argentina and Iran may well be attacking the country in the same month!

I will be at the number 17 bus stop in Bulwell Market in Nottingham between 1100hrs and 1200hrs daily from June first.

Please come and collect me!

Love Splgrhgh

XXX