Nottingham

Inchcock Today: Mon 2nd Feb 2015 – Confused

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0101Monday 2nd February 2015

Lousy night again – it seemed every of the few minutes I managed to get any kip was dream filled but I can’t recall any of them.

Felt rather confused when I awoke to visit the porcelain and had a wobbly (Dizzy spell) then realised I could hear the wind outside… and I have the Iceland delivery then I want to go to see about the camera-pens and go to the Nottingham Hospice shop with some bits… my mind was racing with nothing really. Bit worrying at the time, calmed down now.

Laptop on, medications taken with water and set about doing the posts for the WordPress, Inchcock diary and to LOMM site.

Even got a wobbly when on the laptop then… Tsk!

Did some graphics and Facebooking.

Got ready to go for a bus-ride using me free pensioners bus-pass of course, instead of a walk into town in case the dizzies return later.

Caught the bus into town and had a hobble around the shops for a good while. Took some photos of interest.

I called into Jessops camera shop to get a new SD-card… why? Because I realised I’d took me camera and had not got the card in it… Tsk!

The chappy-fella put init the camera for me and I was off walking all over Nottingham taking photo’s of bling, buildings, trams, cyclists on the pavement, Nottinghamian citizens crossing the traffic lights on red etc.

Really enjoyed doing them, and no dizzy-spells either – good stuff.

Then I hobbled to the Menkind shop and found they had some Camer-watches on sale at £50. One for later after spending on me SD card, I took a photo of one with me old camera.

After walking around for a while I called in to get me Lion bars and they had sold out! Swines!

Hobbled up through Square and took some photo’s of the pigeons and two CPO’s holding hands?!?!

0102Caught the bus back to Carrington, slipped the pigeons some seed on me walk back to the hovel and kettle on, visit to the WC and upstairs laptop on and got me SD card out to transfer photo’s to Coreldraw9 to use here… message came up that told me the SD Card had to be Formatted before use… so I lost all me photographs wot I’d painstakingly taken all day, apart from the one of the watch-camera – and that came out horrible on the old camera!

Pee’d off then.

Decided after downloading it the search for the old SD-Card began, and within an hour I found it on the stairs behind a bottle of sauce – Don’t ask please!

I put the formatted card in the new camera and couldn’t get it out again – after much angst I had to use a screwdriver to gently encourage it to come out. Huh! Back to the shop tomorrow for advice.

No INR level checks this week, they have given me a fortnight.

Then the search for the new camera started – I knew it must be in the bathroom cause I’d used it minutes before!

At this stage I began to question whether or not Alzheimer’s was approaching a little faster than expected?

After searching upstairs downstairs all rooms (There’s only four), clothes and shopping bags, depression frustration and suicidal tendencies grew stronger… had I lost it all together today?

Not giving up eventually I found it… it had fell behind the toilet porcelain on the floor. Oh dear! Being deaf I never not heard it fall see?

So well annoyed with everything I started this diary, then the light bulb blew!

Fetched the spare bulb, step ladders and returned with them – treading on me reading glasses as came back into the room…

I swore.

Well and truly had enough now!

Changed the bulb without any mishaps, picked up the beyond repair spectacles and made another cuppa and took me medications.

Tomorrow may be a busy day I thought – Laundry, the Clinic, Back to Jessops, to the Opticians… good job the INR level tests were cancelled by the NHS I say, oh and the Dentists, blimey let me check… no that’s on Wednesday 1200hrs.

Sandwiches tonight… if I ever get time to make em that is – got some cheapo smoked ham from Friday wot I got to use up.

Remembered to put the new camera on charge.

Must do some Facebooking now. Too tired to do the planned blog I wanted to.

Huh, what an ‘orrible day!

Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!

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NAT02jobs

Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.

I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.

26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.

“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”

At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and  spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”

“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.

“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element      £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?

He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.

I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.

He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.

Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.

Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.

Nat03shop

Nat04mike

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!

Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.

“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”

He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”

Nat05GG

Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!

Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.

After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.

Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.

Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.

As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

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JS01

The Chief Constable is posing for press photographs while Sergeant Gaztops sulks because they wouldn’t let him attack with hand grenades and nerve-gas

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School

Police responded with dogs, helicopter, and ARV (Armed Response Vehicle) to a call for help, from the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham this morning at 0928hrs.

JS02MSarmedOfficers sealed off all roads surrounding the school, apart from the one to the bookies and local pub. (Best not to upset the locals quoted the firearm bearing Traffic Warden Mike Steedenski)

JS03DannyA statement from the Nottingham Chief Constable Danny Soz-Poncemby said: “Twice last week, teachers and pupils reported suspicious characters lurking in the close vicinity of the school they knew they couldn’t be locals because they were not searching through the dustbins. It seems the same two have gained JS04gazaccess to the premises, and when the teacher demanded they left and they refused, a hostage situation then developed.”

Sergeant Gaztops wanted to attack the school with hand-grenades and nerve gas, but we managed to calm him down with a Valium and gin mix and a promise of sex with the schoolmistress.

Our reporter Juan Inchcock asked: “Do you think that the intruders might be paedophiles?”

The Chief Constable replied: “Oh yes, I’d not thought of that!”

He turned to one of constables in riot gear next to him and commanded him to get more support and call for another CPO (Community Police Officer) to attend the scene, as soon as he’d finished having his breakfast.

Talks ensued, with one of the children via their Samsung Galaxy S2 mobile phones and the police negotiator.

JS05pcsAt this point the burger can arrived and was allowed through the barricade so the officers who were keeping back the local muggers, shoplifters, gunmen and children absconding from their schools, could partake in food. Much to their delight.

No further details were forthcoming until 1430hrs, when it reported by the Chief Constable in a statement:

“I am glad to inform you that the hostage situation at the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham has been settled without any injuries this time.

He stopped to comb his hair, snuff out his roll-up and pose for some photographs to be taken by the press then continued:

“Both of the Police Officers abducted by the pupils were shook up, but released relatively unharmed after I agreed that no charges would be brought against the children. The graffiti on the headmistress’s door would not be cleaned off for 5 months, and the use of Ganja would be permitted in the playground for fifteen minutes a day during school time.”

He added as the Pizza and Burger vans pulled away:

“Another victory for common sense policing!”

Nottingham Pensioner Injured Christmas Shopping

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XS01A Nottingham Pensioner, Juan Inchcock (68) has been injured in the Victoria Shopping centre, whilst struggling to walk through (Though he had no money for any purchases so why he was there is a mystery) the shopping mall, amidst the packed early Christmas shopping crowds.

Not being so nimble on his feet, he was nervously limping his way through the milling crowd of mobile-phone, iPod using excited youngsters and women, Big Issue sellers, Hoodies, Skateboarders, Mobility scooters and a few hundred brawling, swearing, spitting threatening energetic kids, and some distracted, frustrated parents.

It seems he had earlier had his hat stolen from his head by youthful antisocial lads, then got knocked over by a Mobility Scooter.

At this point as he was trying to get his senses back just outside the Jessop’s store – a group of Albanian shoplifters being chased by CPOs ran out of the store knocking Juan down and over again just as he was getting up from the floor with the assistance of his walking stick.

03W03Shopping centre staff found Juan’s NHS Medical card and summoned medical assistance.

But none arrived.

As he lay there in the pooling blood one of his hearing aids fell out and as he gingerly stretched out to retrieve it his camera fell out of his pocket and it was nicked within seconds, and someone walking past rubbernecking stood on his walking stick breaking it in half and smashing his bottle of Ethyl alcohol.

He was particularly upset when the Big Issue seller stole his Age Concern carrier bag, because it had his Horlicks and midday medications in it.

In Mr Inchcock’s uneducated locally accrued words:

“It wur ‘ell for mi! Bloody Christmus, Bah Humbug to um all! I ‘ad tu fight through farsands on um, all spendin’ money un gerring fings for Christmus fer there families like.

At this point he scratched his back passage and commented “Bleedin’ piles are bleedin’ too” then continued;

“Wiv me Arfritis un dodgy ticka, I wus strugglin’ to get through um. Had two o’ me corns trod on, nearleh got knocked over twice, had me titfer nicked, got ran into by a mobility scoota, ‘ad one o’ mi Impetigo scabs knocked off… blood all over place, un NP04then just wen I fought I’d got frough t’ uffur end like, a shoplifter ran out o’ shop, chased by sum policemen, and they knocked me bag art o’ mi hand! Broke mi bloody heart it did, mi medicasiuns wer’ in there!”

Having lost the shoplifters the CPO’s returned to Juan: They summond assistance and arrested Mr Chambers for having open alcohol in a public place, and obstructing the police in the execution of their duty.

Friendly Aliens Land on Earth – to save those rare & ‘at-risk’ of our species

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It can now be revealed – that Aliens have indeed landed on earth on the 7th June 2014, at Scarce-Crumpet Village, in Nottinghamshire, UK.

 

AL01The aliens, friendly in nature, declared their intention of saving earth species at risk of extermination. Although too late to save the Dodo and others species long gone from earth, they first met and informed the Nottingham City Council Litter Picker, Juan Inchcock 69, who they met in the municipal latrines of the Crankmore Cemetery, of the intended species they wanted to save for posterity when the humankind kills itself off in 2017, and keep them in a museum on their planet. As an example to their own species of how to self destruct without trying.

* The 3 Honest Politicians left on earth. (Now two actually as one of them joined the others since the list was compiled and fiddled her expenses)

* The Lib-Dem Party of the UK, and its 14 supporters. (Although they were a tad concerned that they may infect their own species with the madness rampant within the Cleggite supporters, so decided to take and preserve them in suspended animation, which of course is their usual state.)

* The honest lawyer who lives in Outer Mongolia.

* Both of the honest car mechanics in the UK. (Especially the one in Nottingham who actually checked all the required features of the MOT and did not ‘invent’ any faults and was sent to Coventry by his colleagues)

* All of the five police officers who actually go on patrol in Nottingham. . (But with cuddly Cameron’s further cuts this was now down to three)

* All three of the English footballers who can pass a ball. (But especially the one who can pass a ball accurately.)

* The dentist who did not enjoy in 1975, causing pain to a patient.

* The plumber who did not overcharge a pensioner in October 2011.

* Both Roofers who actually repaired a roof.

 The Aliens showed their great regret at being too late to save any Honest Estate Agents, Taxi drivers, or Security Guards, as all were already extinct on earth now.

Mr Inchcock passed on the message to the Nottingham Constabulary, who promptly arrested him and sent him to the Happy House Asylum.

Inchcock Today: Monday 20th October 2014

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01 01

Up wide awake at 0240hrs. WC.

Decided to get up anyway because I wanted to get me LOMM posts done before I go out on me medicalisationing visits.

03W02Laptop and me, still sluggish.

Cuppa and took medications too early really but still I took em.

Did a lot of graphic work and did some posts, despite my shaky fingers this morning.

Good job I did gerrup really early, cause it took me five hours to gerrum done!

I think I remembered to take me medications?

Brother-in-law Pete rang up, said he was sorry he’d not called for ages but had been busy and kept forgetting to.

Well, I can apprehend, sympathise and identify with that, no problem I told him.

Sad innit?

Got myself prettied up and tidy, put the cream on me ‘Inch’, only a tiny spot of blood and I think the redness and swelling is going down too – good stuff. (Many a word eh?)

01 02Set off, deciding to walk to town due to the wind and rain, to the bus stop – got about 300 yards and realised I’d forgotten me Anticoagulant therapy record card, so went back and collected it – just as well really, I’d forgotten to shut down the laptop. Silver lining? Tsk!

Got into town, the rain has lessened a 01 03bit, and caught bus out to the Queens Medical Centre, hobbled up the for flights of stairs as it appeared only one of the lifts were working and the queues for it were enormous!

In and out of the clinic within 15 minutes and back down to the ground floor haematology dept. Hell of a crowd waiting. My own fault for not going earlier really.

Took a ticket and got a free Metro newspaper, filled in me record form in advance and read the paper for the hour or so until my number was called.

Only two nurses working and they looked displeased bless them. Got done and gave 01 05em some nibbles that cheered em up a tad.

Out into the rain and wind once more to catch a bus back into the City.

I called Tesco in Victoria Centre and got some cheesey seaweed, a loaf, and some iced lollies. Well why not.

Came out and walked through Trinity Square’s new Food Plaza – couldn’t see anyone inside any of the expensive fooderies at all. Even the pigeons and the Big Issue seller were missing. I wondered if David Cameron knew about this? (Hehe)

01 06Poodled down to the bus stop and caught the bus back to Carrington dropped off as the rain was easing again.

Got in the hovel and WC, then put the kettle on.

I didn’t know if i should mention this, but decided to: As I went upstairs I felt a tiny ‘Plup’ as a minuscule amount of air was released from my rear end – Cor Blimey! It seemed the fowl aroma filled the entire house! Never had that before, and don’t want it again. Erugh! Nearly gassed missen!

Updated this tripe.

The sudden weariness came over me again, so I thought get some nosh and off to kip Young Inchy. (Young Inchy I ask you Young Inchy… the things I come out with. hehehe!)

Cameron’s Letter to Agony Aunt (Updated)

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Gertrude

Agony Aunt for the ‘Lesser Endowed Gentlemen’s Weekly Gazette’

Dear Gertrude,

The constant voices in my head are forever chattering away, it’s driving me decidedly crazy.

I even questioned my own brilliance, cunning and competency last week. A rare lapse in my usual superlatively confident personality.

I prefer not to mention this to my Harley Street Doctor, as I hold a rather important position. Perhaps I am concerned because I got the job through skulduggery illegal and unethical means?

EM01Luckily my only genuine competitor for the job, is unfit and far too lacking in spirit, ideas and gusto.

Perhaps I have lost a little edge though lack of genuine competition?

Although UKIP seem to be doing well and starting to cause me a slight cause for concern.

But my overseas investment and offshore accounts have increased exponentially due to the backhanders from my lodge member friends who I am slowly and stealthily selling off the NHS to. No problems there.

I would prefer it of you did not mention or reveal the contents of this letter.

If you can help me with my problem Gertrude, I can assure you of a liaison of a physical nature with any of the members of my cabinet, a handsome cash reward via their expense claims, and a new caravan in Chelsea.

Yours Unfaithfully:

Cameron01The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

First Lord of the Treasury

Minister for the Civil Service

Leader of the Conservative Party

Member of Parliament for Witney

Descendant of King William IV

Raised in Peasemore, Berkshire by father Ian, a stockbroker, and mother Mary Fleur, a retired Justice of the Peace.

Eton College at the age of 13

First class degree in Philosophy, Politics & Economics (PPE) at Oxford

Brasenose College, Oxford, from which I graduated in 1988 with a first-class honours degree.

Git with Distinction

10 Downing Street, London SW1A 2AA

Inchcock Today: Sunday 5th 2014

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07Su01

Up at 0330hrs, WC. Checked the bleeding ‘Inch’ and Clotromozole creamed him. But I have to say, the bleeding was not bad compared to what it has been (Fingers crossed… mind you that often happens involuntarily with the arthritis). He was still very tender but I was pleased with bleeding being lighter.

Rather chirpily I came down and put the kettle on, started the laptop and nipped back up to the bathroom for a heavy-duty visit to the WC.

Huh! Now the haemorrhoids’ are bleeding like mad. I can’t win yer know! I have to be careful now, because I’m using the Cetraben cream on me skin, the Clotromozole cream on me Inch, the Phorpain gel on me knees and hands and now I’m using the Corticosteroid cream for the piles. I must not get them mixed up… oh dear…

07Su02Back down and I took a photo of the same aaaa3area as I did yesterday of that colourful sky – but it didn’t come out too well cause it were so dark, still I tried and failed. (Kind of encapsulates my life that phrase Hehehe)

Back down and made a cuppa and some porridge and took me oral medications. Discovering as I finished eating it, the porridge had a sell-by-date of July 14.

Updated this diary, and went on Facebook for a while.

After a few hours and trips to the WC, I went up to get a wash shave and other thingies done. As I stripped off, there it was again’ blood from me ‘Inch’! Good job I’m seeing the GP in the morning, must remember to go early and ask them what time my appointment is for. Tsk!

More sorting out done, still tempted to put the bandage back on – that way I can feel it when it bleeds and help stop me clothes getting bloodied. Never mind and hey-ho.

Yobs lurking up and down the street again.

I think I might go up early to save me hobbling up and down the stairs to tend to ‘Inch’ leak, and get away form the yobboes.

I can catch up on me next entry if owt ‘appens worth mentioning.

TTFN

Nottingham Traffic Collision

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Unpaid WordPress reporter Juan Inchcock Chambers (68) reports that his morning, on Parliament Street in Nottingham, outside the Job Centre Plus offices, a nasty traffic collision took place.

CC02

There was the Lord Mayors Jaguar overtaking a bus parked, as he was on his way to visit the Left handed users Gay Ukrainian Support Centre next door to the Job-centre Plus offices, and this blocked the view of a drunken driver and benefit seeker of an Audi 8, Agnieszka Lukaku (21) who was turning into the premises.

He collided with the Job-centre Plus manager Sheridan Cuthbertson [54] in his Skoda Estelle.

CC03The police and traffic wardens were on the scene within seconds, and Police Constable Mike Steeden, commented: “The Lord Mayors Jaguar has damage to the bumper. The Audi is also damaged, and the Skoda a write off. Charges will follow. Luckily the Lord Mayor was not injured in the collision, although the paramedics insisted in pumping out his stomach contents for some reason? It’s a good thing that the Council no longer use the Bentley nowadays. I believe they sold it cheaply to save on petrol in 2009 to a nephew of the City Treasurer.

The benefit claimant was taken to hospital with a suspected pricking of his conscience.

The Job-centre Plus manager Sheridan Cuthbertson, is suing the Nottingham Council.

The traffic wardens later had their picture taken next to the Lord Mayors Jaguar.

The JCP Manager’s Skoda Estelle was destroyed in the collision. He commented: “At last!”

Late News:

It appears that a mobility scooter may have had some influence on the accident.

Police are looking for a Mr Danny Soz, possibly originating from South London of indeterminate age. The disability Scooter had been stolen from Nottingham’s Midland Railway Station, and later found abandoned outside the notorious Binaround Brenda’s brothel.

Inchcock Today: Tue 30th Sept 2014

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02T01

Wide awake at 0400hrs.

02T02WC.

Remembered bits of a dream; Working at big factory. Management brought a packet of Piccadilly cigarettes to the canteen full of men… asked who they belonged to, I went forward to admit they were mine along with four other workers?

Then I was running around a factory that had bit of many components of places I’d actually worked at.

Then a big interview to sack us all – gets a bit confused here; I’m climbing catwalks above the factory and someone is chasing me with an axe… then leaving the premises being newly sacked, to the applause of the workers? That’s all I recall.

As I stirred to get up, I noticed the blood on me pyjama bottoms. Investigated the ‘Inch’, the blood on it had dried. Until that is when I had to pull back to apply the new cream on. Free flowing now, good job I have plenty of kitchen towels at hand.

Very tender but not so bloated as it has been, I gently massaged the cream in. Talk about Sting! Eventually it stopped bleeding.

Then I had the job of cleaning up the mess. Looks like I might have to try and get some cheapo pyjamas to cover for those that will be going to the launderette?

WC.

Eventually I got down and started laptop, made a cuppa and took me medications. Can’t find me grabber/picker that I bought last week? Mind you, the house is in a bit of a Steptoe & Son state.

The pain in my Inch has now turned into a hot tingling sensation, but still sore.

Assembled my now bigger laundry in two big bags, and set off for the laundry. Mandie in the laundry was looking very tasty again today – and she laughed at me recent medical exploits and that cheered me up no end – for a while.

02T03When I’d got the driers going, I realised I’d forgot to put me rubber balls what Big John bought me. Also I’d forgotten to take Mandies nibbles. Tsk!

I departed and went back to the dump and got her nibbles, and returned to the launderette with em for her.

I set off on me walk into town to the Council Contact point to check on the meals at home system and to have a look at cheapo pyjamas at Primark.

I took the long route into town, passing the alley where the girl got raped earlier this 02T04year, the Arboretum gates and the thousands of student flats. The city was well populated with citizens of the fair Nottingham.

I took  a photo of the alleyway, including as you see in the photo I hope, the condoms, wine bottle, cigarette stubs and food wrappers amongst the leaves.

I limped to the library and spoke with a chappie on the contact point desk. It 02T06Transpired that someone from the Council will be calling to see me tomorrow sometime about it.

I walked through the city centre to the Primark shop and had a look at the pyjamas on offer.

I found a ‘Large’ pair and bought them.

02T09Caught the bus back to Carrington, dropping of early to go see Mandie and show off me pyjamas – only to notice that although the packaging had clearly marked on it ‘Large’, the actual jammies were labelled ‘Medium’ – am I lucky or what? Another job to sort out now!

Got in the hovel and put laptop on, 02T05made a cuppa.

I’ve saved this photo until the last, because I couldn’t help but see the funny side of it.

As I went passed and saw the road sign left at the fencing of the cemetery – pointing upwards! Had to laugh don’t you know.

I take it that only sinners were allowed to be buried in this place?

I did some facebooking which I enjoyed and updated this tripe.

Oh… must remember to put me cream on the ‘Inch’… back in a bit then.

All done – painfully.

0702satbMade me sarnies and ate em.

The cramps started as soon as I hit the linen. Neck fingers and legs affected. Applied lashing of pain gel. Don’t know that I should use so much in one go, but it eased the cramps a bit… or did it go away on its own?