I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.
26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.
“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”
At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”
“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.
“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?
He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.
I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.
He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.
Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.
Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.
Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.
“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”
He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”
Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.
After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.
Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.
Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.
As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.
8 thoughts on “Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!”
Very good indeed – I rather liked the atop the bus shelter.
Cheers mate. I might make this News at Ten a regular… or not. What do you think Sir?
I think if you carry on painting such pictures of surreal parody you’re onto something. The bus shelter child should make regular appearances I reckon – nothing like the brat Dickens forgot roaming the streets of Nottingham!
Cheers Mike mate.
I must get another one dun like before the inspiration joined me body and fades away. Hehehe
I’ll use your description of the net kid I put in if you don’t mind Sir TTFN
The feral child is a must!
Yes, that Inchcock is a scary guy but nowhere near as scary as Mike Steedenski in that new getup. Will he be starring in the all male revue?
I don’t know Marissa. But Danny Soz tells me that Mike is into the Village people music? Orm was that the Pillage people?
I’ll hack into their website and see if I find owt owt gal!