Inchcock Today: Wednesday 10th December 2014


What an odd night!

Last night I collapsed into tiredness and kip really early – about 1830hrs. Woke up at 1225… no 0005hrs and made a cuppa and started work on me blog and posted one, checked emails, did no-end of graphics, Facebooked and read some blogs over the next seven hours… amazing but I expect to collapse early again tonight.

1020hrs: I am now going to struggle get my socks off and ‘ave a scrub down, do me teggies, shave, shampoo and a sh… Then struggle to get me clean socks on. Then put me pile cream on, then rub in me Painphor cream on me knees, then search fer me bus-pass, midday medications, hearing aids, glasses and get ready to go out and take some piccies fer me blog – well wrapped up of course (that’ll be me not the blog well wrapped up).

Do yer know I’m losing interest at the thought of all the bother now… Tsk!

Forced missen out of the house wandering if I’d forgotten summat like…


CPO’s Investigate – I know not what

Noticed two CPO’s across the road at the Nottingham Natural Health Centre, that would be the one where my neighbour went last year, forget what he went for now, but the treatment cost him £900.

Flipping biting cold wind again.

Caught bus into town, and attempted to walk down Clinton Street to get to Primark – blimey the mass of people. Bit of a struggle getting out of the way in time of more aggressive ones.


Clinton Street crowds scared me a bit…

As I turned the corner a youth belted passed on a bicycle nearly hitting a lady nearby. I did my usual and shouted “If yer too scared to go on the road yer shouldn’t be on a bike… I added a rather colourful word at the end descriptive of what we all have n out breasts.

Still to be expected this time of year I suppose.


The queue wot I joined before me injuries…

Got to Primark and boy was it busy, and dangerous too? Yes!

I hobbled around and bought some really thick long sleeve t-shirts, another pair of long johns and joined the queue.

See photo. Good job I had plenty of time.

As I exited the pay area a woman knocked her pram into me left arthritic knee, stopped talking on her mobile to say “Sorry duck” then continued on her phone as she walk away. Bless her I thought.

Then, as I approached the escalator to go down, a bloke rushed in front of me treading on me left foot! Bless him I thought.

I still managed some slow but nifty footwork to avoid (Just) the store detectives as they chased after one of Nottingham’s multitudinous shoplifters out of the store.

Came out £39 pounds worse off, and limping a little more than usual and walked into town wandering if there was an Iceland shop in the City Centre where I could get those egg and sausage muffins on offer at 89p… I bravely approached a CPO and cheekily ask if she knew of one. The look that said “What the #uck are you asking me for” came over her face as she said “No”.


Bulwell Market looking a bit sad I thought

So I decided to go to Bulwell again to the Iceland there – of course I could also feed me mallard ducks and pigeons at the same time.

The market in Bulwell looked rather sad today. (See picture)

I hobbled to Farm Foods and got two loaves for a quid to feed the sucks with, I’d already got the birdseed with me from home.

Then into Iceland and got the muffins and very nice they are too!


Another dumped shopping trolley today

Out and down to the rivers… to be greeted by the horrible sight of another shopping basket dumped in the water!

Suddenly I remembered I wanted some of the smoked cooked ham from Fulton’s Foods.

So I walked back up the main street to the shop and searched but they didn’t have any smoked ham in, so I struggled (The bags were weighing me down by now with all the stuff wot I’d bought like) around looking for any bargains but found none.

As I started out to feed the mallards, a woman on the disabled scooter came out of shop and was on her mobile phone – only the alertness and agility of those nearby prevented her from hitting them.

I wonder if it should be an offence to use a mobile phone when driving a mobility scooter? They can’t dock driving licence points because the idiots who drive them without concern for others do not need a driving licence, or tax, or even insurance by law.

Just a thought – perhaps I can interest Lynton Cox in starting a campaign? He’s good at that sort of thing… maybe not.


Me friends, the Mallards and Pigeons welcomed me with open beaks

So I waddled back down to the river… I think they are beginning to recognise me now cause I was greeted with much honking and quacking by the mallards, and the pigeons amassed in my vicinity – one of them must have liked me cause it anointed me hat with his pooh!

Bless him I thought.

New hat needed now… Tsk!

Pound shop after Christmas methinks.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and dropped off on Hucknall Road.

As I turned the corner the local pigeons spotted me and came down to be fed – but only the few seeds left after feeding the Bulwell ones – I bet they thought “Tight sod!”

Got in and put me togs and food away.

Made a cuppa and had couple of biscuits and set about finishing this diary off.

Faccebooked a while – finding a message from Mike Steeden that some shop is selling thick vests at £3.99 until Friday! Just my luck I’ve just bought 3 for £6 each from Primark today!

Tsk, Huh and blabboozlekins!

Did a bit of blog reading, checked emails and began to fade…

I’ll try to do some graphics but me eye-lids are gerrin’ heavy now.

Hope I can stay awake long enough to eat me Sausage and egg muffin later.

Poor old devil hehehe.

Inchcock’s Security Woes: The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard


 The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard

GY01Inchcock had been assigned as Static Guard for the Rempstone College, out in the wilds.

His responsibilities were many-fold, the fishing lake, Tennis courts, Golf area, 5 residential blocks a bank, a theatre, Liecestershire Police undercover car compound and ARV storage shed, library, church yard & Cemetery, Roman gardens, 2 bars, Artwork galleries, tutors quarters, classrooms, computer room, archive room, cellars, restaurants, games rooms, 550 student quarters, a Lido and Money safes to name a few.

A cold and lonely place at night, especially when the students and staff were on holiday as on this night.

He was the only person on the 8 acre site… or should have been.

At 0105hrs on patrol and the wind blew hard across the decaying graffiti’d gravestone littered cemetery…

Creating unholy noises, and blowing up the Guard Inchcock’s trouser legs something rotten, as he made his way across the used condoms, broken spirit and mentholated spirit bottles scattered generously amongst the dog droppings, coke cans, and maggot ridden dead rats along the path on his way to swipe the electronic Security check point, thoughtfully super-glued on the side of child’s headstone.

As he scrambled over the broken park benches, and rubbed the mould-growth from his uniform, he heard a loud bang, emanating he thought, from the end of the nursery drive, in the area of the undercover police car compound.

The customary tightening of the urine valves took place, as he stood still to try and listen over the wind, for any more unusual noises, but none came.

GY02Being one of the more reliable Guards (or so he thought) he decided further investigation call called for – following his Assignment instructions, as well as Sito’s guide lines, he called for back up… well he tried to but the phone network had gone down! (Sods-law or what?)

He walked, using whatever natural cover was available, down the dark dank windy lane towards the gates of the Leicestershire Police undercover car compound, using his intrinsic skills to keep the noise to minimum…. until he stubbed his toe on some broken concrete, then the silent approach had to be abandoned when he exclaimed a loud clear ‘Bollocks!’ into the night wind as a response to the sharp pain he’d accrued.

So, out came the mag-light, he pulled himself up to show his full 5’ 3” of height and swaggered into the middle of the drive, so as to appear brave and dangerous to any possible intruder.

He passed wind and increased his walking rate, putting on his well known bravado swank, and talking loudly into the dead mobile phone…. “ETA ten minute control? …. Silence for a while to give the impression he was listening to someone on the other end of the one-way conversation…… “Roger, but don’t let the canine run free, I have residents returning home all night”…… “I’ll do a quick check, he knows the code for the gate… thanks, out!”

Feeling proud of this instantly thought up subterfuge, that foolishly gave him heart and assurance in his puny skills, the Inchcock moved on showing great confidence, and reached the gates of the Leicestershire Constabulary Undercover Vehicle Compound.

He had no key of course, but luckily the gates were in the same state as the cemetery furniture – rotting and presenting some handy holes through which he could shine his torch, still leaving room for him to get his head through!

All looked in order, but being the perfectionist he is, our Guard decided to climb through into the compound, to satisfy himself that no intrusion had taken place and all really was well. (The fool!)

Once inside, he realised the vast extent of the premises, at least 100 vehicles of all types scattered around.

So he turned off his torch, and used the shadows to creep around in on his self righteous mission to protect the property of our beloved officers of the law!

About a third of way around, and in the centre of the vehicles, he felt something moving about at his feet from under a van, he whipped out his mag-light and shone it down…… just in time to see the blood being drawn from his leg by the police dog, as it began to try and devour his left ankle. (He still has the scars, Inchcock that is not the police dog).

To this day he’s not sure how he managed to get out of there, but he did.

Granted he was minus his mag-light, part of his trouser legs, bits of his sock, his cap, his mobile phone, a portion on ankle flesh, and a few fluid ounces of blood, but he got out!

Only to be met by the fast arriving police cars pulling up in response as it transpired to the PIR alarm activation of the new system put in the night before on the compound, that no one had informed our hero about, otherwise he would not have set it off by going into the compound!

They could hardly administer the first aid due to their laughter.

Inchcock was relatively new to the Security Industry, and thought to himself: “It can’t be as bad as this every-night surely?”

It could and would be over the coming years.

The moral is….er….well, it must be in there somewhere I’m sure!

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 9th December 2014

02T01tempAwake but uncommonly weary at 0445hrs.


Started the laptop. Waiting for t to start I tackled the stair down to make a good strong cuppa. gingerly returned up the stairs back to the now started laptop.

I’m weary on the stairs since my fall backwards on them going up them. T’was a dizzy spell not the arthritis that caused the fall. Tsk!

Took my medications, remembering to have the extra Warfarin tablet.

Coreldraw working well at the moment, laptop a little slow. But hey, it’s working!

Got up to WC and afterwards I dropped my bottle of hand cleaner right on me left foot’s corn! I couldn’t have hit it better if I’d aimed it at it…  I do believe I might have uttered a swear word.

L Greggs Did a bit of Facebooking. And a lot of graphicalisationing on Coreldraw… until it froze again.

Still, I did get a lot done and posted on Facebook. I posted an old graphic wot I dun to TFZ, I hope the TFZers like the humour.

Made a cuppa and pot of porridge with added honey! I bet David Cameron wishes he could live as well as wot I do yer know… maybe not?


A lack of human beings in Carrington this morning – no yobs or dustbin raiders? Odd that!

IMG_0352Got missen cleaned up and semi-presentable and Painphor gelled me knees for me walk into Sherwood’s Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, then hopefully into Bulwell for some nosh and feed the ducks.

Got the Nottingham Hospice shop thing, bus-pass, nibbles etc ready in bag.

Set out from the house taking a picture of the street.

Walked to the end of the street turned left to St Johns church, then right into Church Drive.

Where at this point I had not seen another human being (Using the term lossely) at all! Were they all Christmas shopping or had the aliens attacked and took em without anyone telling me? Hehe!

As I crossed the drive and a car ame passed that made me jump a tad that I realised I’d not got me hearing-aids in!

Back to the bomb-site and put em in and set off again…

Now realising how cold and biting the wind was this time I caught a bus into Sherwood – bless the pensioners free bus-pass issue!


Etched graffiti on the new bus seating”

Dropped te stuff off at the shop and caught a bus into town.

I observed as I sat there with me crossword book successfully failing to solve a single clue that the plastic seating in front of me had been graffitied, on looking around many seats on the new bus had been mistreated in a similar way.

I considered sending an email to Cameron asking if the punishment could fit the crime and the vandals should be scratched over the forehead with a Stanley knife with the words ‘Antisocial dick-head’?

But then of course this would mean that MPs would have to have the words ‘Liar, nepotist, nihilist and expense fiddler put on their heads…? (Hehe) So perhaps not eh?

I got into town and called in the cheapo shop to get some Lion bars for myself this time to nibble when I get depressed… I bought 8 bars at 4 for a quid, good value but I noticed they were very low on stocks and bought  the last on show. Tsk!

Caught the bus into Bulwell for yet another interesting journey. For the fact that (I think) there were three people on mobiles at the same time, a woman with three kids talking away in what I think were different languages. Cosmopolitan Nottingham eh?

No problem with that at all – if only each one had not been shouting down the phones! Loud mobilers do get on me tits a bit in any language I mean.


Dumped shopping trolleys in the river Leen. Only one person here – the other would be shop-lifting or mugging for Christmas I expect?

I think maybe they were competing with each other for some reason to see who could talk the loudest?

Dropped off the bus and walked straight to the shop to get some bread for the mallards.

Then over to the river Leen (In a different spot this time) and immediately the mallards seagulls and pigeons arrived around me.


There must be some therapy from feeding the mallards and pigeons that I do not comprehend – but enjoy it?

I noticed that the locals had decorated the river with shopping trolleys near the bridge – so artistic these apprentice-yobbies and vandals here you know!

I wish I’d got more bread now. I used all the bird-seed I had with me as well and later bought another bag in readiness for me next visit.

I called in Iceland to get some Warburton thins and some pulled pork cobs. It’s the first time I’d seen these and as they were on offer at 89p I treated missen.

02T06Turned out I liked them despite there being a hot flavour relish in them. No idea what flavour, but I enjoyed it later in the day wishing I’d got more of em.

Went in Fultons next and they had some large boxes of biscuits also at 89p, so I got a couple so I could give em to the nurses as nibbles later.

02T05Had a wander around the market for a while – observing the aggressive nature of the locals, and the amount of dangerous people in mobility scooters again. Overall the populace appeared brusque and unhappy for some reason?

I caught the bus back to the hoppit as the rain started and at least the biting wind dropped en route.


Got in and out me things away, INR Warfarin level results had come through the letter-box.

Much better this time 3.4, almost spot in for once!

Made a cuppa and ate me pulled pork cob while  watched DeNiro and Stallone’s DVD called Grudge Match.

I surprisingly enjoyed what I saw of it – repeatedly – as I kept nodding off despite my wanting not to. The rewind button on the new DVD player got well used!

Eventually I gave up and drifted off…

I woke up with a start at 2325hrs. WC’d. Started the laptop then went down and made a cuppa.

Returning and imported the pictures and finished this post around 0130 hrs.

Did some Facebooking and blog reading.