Inchcock Today: Sunday 30th November 2014

Sunday 30th November 2014


Bestest tea-bags fer me!

I forced myself to raise-up and into imitation life at 0530hrs.

Made a mug of Thompsopn’s Punjana Tea – gorgeous!


Got the things ready for me visit to Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete.

Wash and brush-up taking place (A mammoth task!).

Oh dear me… blood coming from ‘Little Inchy!’ Applied the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream and crossed me fingers!


A thriving community?

I set off on me walk into town to catch the West Bridgford bus.

Pete rang as I was taking a photograph of another part of Mansfield Road about half a mile from the City Centre to confirm I’m to meet him at the Co-op on Central Avenue in West Bridgford.


Hey-ho, Hey-ho it’s off to town I go…

Caught the bus and met Pete, nice to see him looking so good. We had a natter and walked to his palace… house.

Jane was having a bit of bother with her tummy again, I gave them some nibbles and pain gel and tablets.

The cats (Apart from Fooey who slept through me visit) ignored me professionally as cats do.

We had a good chinwag, and arranged to meet Pete on Wednesday in the city centre, where he is going to do a bit of skating on the ice-rink. I’d have a go as well… but I don’t want to embarrass him like. (Ahem!) That is if it all goes okay tomorrow with me INR level tests.


Sister Jane – poorly, but still looking good!

Took a photo of Sister Jane, after asking her to wear a straw hat that I am fond of seeing her in. She reluctantly agreed bless her.

I bidded them farewell and caught a bus into town.

Walked into Victoria Centre (Very busy today), and called at a shop selling cheapo Lion bars at 4 for a quid and purchased some to add to the nibbles for the haematology nurses tomorrow.

As I was on my way out of the centre I saw my first shoplifters of the season being unwillingly being arrested and removed by the Police Ossifers.


Why did I take this? No idea!

 When I got to the Carrington bus-stop, opposite I noticed Corel Bookmakers next to Cope’s Jewellers – and for some reason took a photo of them – I’m blowed if I can remember why now?

No doubt something deep, witty, creative, satirical and /or brilliant caused me to do this… but what?

 Caught the bus to Carrington and dropped off at the Co-operative Society shop next to the Pancho Chip shop – and I felt sure I could taste the roast pork slices I bought there the other day?


Getting murky early today!

It was beginning to get a little murky early as I walked along the road and turned into Muggers Alley on my way back to the hovel.

Got in WC’d and made some sandwiches and a cuppa.

Got the laptop working and Coreldraw9 opened quickly, the Chrome opened without any problems too!

The angina playing up a tad.

Updated and finished this Diary as the eyelids became heavy…

Inchcock Today: Sat 29th November 2014

Saturday 29th November 2014

Decent sleep but cannot remember the dreams, yet I seem to know I’d had them?

Up at 0455hrs.

Coughing and sneezing this morning.


Started laptop, put hot water heater on, went down and made a cuppa got medications, then returned upstairs, WC, the laptop would not let me onto the net!

Went down and restarted the BT box.

Still no connection.

Turned off laptop and restarted.

Still no connection.

Went down and turned the BT box off altogether then restarted it.

Still no connection.

Clicked on BT Broadband Help – but that said it could not be connected try again. So I did, three times, same message?

Turned off laptop and restarted it.

Still coughing and sneezing this morning.

Connection made – I have contact with the outside world again… but slowly.

I posted me Diary for yesterday on the Troll Free Zone.

Got to go to the bank this morning to try and sort out my new card.

Got missen and me things ready and started off on me walk into town – stopping off en route on Mansfield Road to pick up me prescriptions from the GP surgery. When I got there I realised it was a Saturday and they ere closed. (I’m quick like that yer know)

0602CarrtnMe starting point for the walk into town from Carrington.

I set off at a steady 1mph or so into town.

When I half way up the hill on Mansfield Road, I espied that on the bus lane all the way up there was the prettiest almost fractal-like spillages of


They do not show up on the photo on the left like I’d hoped, but they looked like works of art colourful that should have been in a gallery somewhere.

I pressed on down Mansfield Road ans noticed two shops wedged between students flats on he right hand side.

There are many retail outlets in the area that are in the same condition as these shops. So sad.

0607 tramI got in town and went to the bank first to get assistance on me three problems:

Changing my pin number – Memorable name ID and unblocking.

A young man sorted me with great aplomb. I thanked him and walked to catch a tram into Hucknall to Tesco now me card is working and get some nosh. Bread, yoghurt Curls and cooked bacon slices.

On the tram I took a photo because I could not believe there were so few people on it for a Saturday morning?

0604ExchangeDifferent story coming back though packed in like sardines we were.. like sardines!

Got back into Nottingham and had a wander through the city centre taking a few photographs for my many wonderful fans, supporters and fellow bloggers. (Hehe!)

I started in the Exchange shopping mall underneath the Council House.

They ere all offering a Black Friday Discount, but the prices were still high to my mind  a bit posh these shops fer me.

Anyway… What’s all this ‘Black Friday’ stuff then?

I’m sure I’ve never heard of it before? Does it mean Christmas Sales?

0605CCThen I limped down into the Slab Square.

The stalls were doing a roaring trade, but the Gypsy looking woman in the little Roast Chestnut box still had no prices on display I noticed?

Plenty of apprentice muggers… I mean children about today.

0606iceaEven the Ice-Rink had attracted some participants to have a go. Some were proficient (Well one anyway), some went on in sandal-like footwear others had blades on.

They even supplied supporting Penguins for the kids to use to help them keep their balance as they whirled around the ice. (See 0606icebphotographs).

They were playing loud jolly music over speakers and folk genuinely seemed to be having a good time without ipod/pads.

Nice to see.

I caught the bus back to Carrington, a very tired and leg weary lad.

As I got off the bus, the smell of cooked food from the chippy… bearing in mind it is nine days since I had a hot meal, proved too tempting and I weakened and went in an got roast potatoes and roast belly pork – rushed home (When I say rushed… I limped a little faster than usual) to keep em warm.

Jolly good too – I got in, WC’s made a cuppa and attacked the fodder.

Now I am belching, have stomach ache and am bloated! (Hehehe serves me right too!) 

Started laptop, and had to go through restarting again before it would allow me access to the internet.


Passing wind and belching a bit still.

Finished an Inchcocks True Tale of Woe about when I was working in security and posted it.

Tired now…

Further Guarding Escapades/Incidents – Alarming Tale in Derby

Derb01The Security control room called me at home, asking me to go to a large Derby electrical retailer, who’d been hit the night before and needed emergency cover.

Derb02I asked if I could use a company mobile but no. So I went in my Skoda Estelle.

I set off, finding the famous (and now defunct) Powerhouse store, on a retail park, right next to one of their competitors (Comet- also now defunkt). Good Britain innit?

The raiders had blasted their way through a breeze block wall, and exited the same way, with many thousands of pounds worth of TVs, videos, etc. The wall had been temporarily blocked up, but could not be properly secured until the Monday.

Derb03aI was given the door codes (no keys), and told to stay in the shop area at all times (where the damaged wall was and the kettle and WC was not), and not to stay in the kitchen area.

The staff departed about 1845hrs, and I took a look around to familiarise myself with the layout. Then made a flask of tea, and brought it along with my sandwiches, into the shop area, settling in a chair at the inquiry desk, facing about 60 TV screens all on showing the same channel, and surrounded by shelves of radios, toaster etc.

Around 1900hrs came a knocking at the back door!

It was the manageress who had forgotten to take some paperwork with her.

She went into the back office to collect them, then returned to the shop to ask me to release her, during which she said; “You can change the channels if you want to, the remotes are in that draw” Pointing to a draw in the desk where I had been sitting.

Off she went, and I delved into the remote controls, there were about a hundred or so in the draw.

After managing to get about 15 of the TV’s on different channels, loud alarms began ringing from one of the shelving units. I eventually located the source of the alarm on the radio display shelves, and realised that a code was needed to deactivate/silence the horrible grating noises.

Without the code, all I could do was press ‘silence’, and after about three minutes the klaxon’s bells and sirens would start again!


Our Officer in the Control Room, name of Bob was ever alert as usual…

Having no contact numbers for the firm’s staff, I rang our Control Room, asking them to try and contact the Manageress, and get the required codes for me to use.

It was well gone midnight when they rang back with a 4 digit code, by which time I was on the verge of insanity with the hours of the noise and pressing the silence button every three minutes!

I put the code in – after which the noise started again, and did not stop again until the arrival of the staff at 0730hrs in the morning!

A good job no one broke in that night, because I was so disorientated with the hours of noise, I would have been no use at all.

The Manageress explained that she had given the wrong code, and laughed about it.


I had to sit in the car for ages until I felt clear headed enough to drive.

When I got home, control rang asking me to go back to the same store again that Sunday night, for 16 hours shift, 1600hrs to 0800hrs!

On arrival at the store, I made sure I was given the correct codes for all of the alarms in the store (Better late than never).

I was sat there, about 2300hrs, watching dozens of channels on the TVs, when I heard a thudding noise, although it sounded a bit distant, I thought I’d better investigate.

I opened the back (side) door, and gingerly peered out up and down the alleyway, although I could see nothing untoward, the thudding noise was clearly coming from nearby, and it suddenly stopped, and I heard voices shouting. I boldly marched (actually, I crept up) up the alleyway to the parade of shop fronts, to see two vehicles and a several scrotes loading stuff from Comet into one of their vans.

I called the emergency services, and tried to get a good description of the vans and crooks for the police.

Derb04I informed my control, knowing that there would be a few keen, alert security officers just eager to come and give me some back-up…

Within minutes the police squad cars flew into the car park, and the offenders scattered – unfortunately two of them towards where I was peeping put from the alleyway.

I retreated in through the back door, as I tried to close it behind me. There was pressure from the other side trying to force it open as I tried to close it!

A managed to hold them off for a minute or so and verbally advised them to go forth and multiply…. they burst in through the door knocking me over.

Turns out it was the police, who saw the yobs running into the alleyway, then saw the door being closed as they entered the alleyway, and assumed it must have been the crooks going in through the door.

Well that seemed to have been the general consensus of why the police Alsatian had bitten me leg.

Inchcock Today: Friday 28th November 2014 – Incorporating The Dream!

Friday 28th November 2014

I didn’t get to sleep until 0300hrs – this time myself to blame!

I’d been Facebooking last night and when I came to closing down, I had a try at getting the laptop to allow me to watch dvds off the net – and blimey.. . it let me.

Unfortunately I’d tried to open an original 1959 ‘The Invisible Man’ TV episode to watch and I was hooked and spent the next 4 hours watching them. Tsk!

I forced myself away when I kept nodding off while watching at about 0310hrs.

Didn’t stir until 0715hrs – and tried again to watch em, but the laptop was back in ‘Frustrate Inchcock mode’ and wouldn’t let me.

I recalled some of the dreams I’d had and wrote the bits I remembered down to record here:

I was a jailer of some sort I think and I had Stalin, Hitler and Genghis Khan held in the same prison cell, they were each complaining that the others got better food than they did?

At one stage they were arguing amongst themselves whilst playing Tiddlywinks.

I’d delivered to their cells, microwave sausages and beans for Stalin. I can’t recall what I gave to Hitler, and lemon curd coated seaweed with mothballs for Khan?

Later in the dream I had to call for help in controlling them and Gary Hoadley arrived smilingly and killed them all by tearing off their heads and then asking “Anyone for football?”

I think we became traffic wardens… with Gaz using a Star Trek Phaser like thing to discourage the drivers from arguing, and after he’d used it to stun them, he gave them Green Shield Stamps?


What a Dream!

I’ve never remembered so much of a dream before… thanks Gaz!


I went down and made a cuppa and took me medications.


Returned to the laptop to update this diary.

It was still dark outside at 0810hrs.

I have to say, the ‘Little Inch’ angina and arthritis aren’t too bad at the moment, but the rear end is tender and painful.


Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light. 

Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light. Not happy with it and scrapped it.

Managed to get to watch dvd (The Invisible man) from Youtube but from nowhere else?

Did loads on Facebook and a post for me Inchcock site – but nowt else, didn’t even go out of the flea-pit.

Worked on another ode to loneliness, keeping it light. Not happy with it and scrapped it.

Managed to get to watch dvd (The Invisible man) from Youtube but from nowhere else?

Did loads on Facebook and a post for me Inchcock site – but nowt else, didn’t even go out of the flea-pit.

Riot at Nottingham’s Parliament Street Jobcentre Plus

A mistaken report in local Nottingham Newspaper about jobs available caused another Riot at Nottingham Job-Centre Plus!


The beginning of the Nottingham shoplifters muggers and alcoholics rabid descent on the Job-Centre Plus offices

There was panic in Nottingham city centre this morning when it was mistakenly published in the local ‘Free paper’, that the Jobcentre Plus on Parliament Street had got 333 new jobs just come in, in error for 3 new jobs.

Shortly after the crowd rushed the centre, police were on the scene – unfortunately, with the Government cutbacks, the Nottingham force being reduced by 385 officers, most of them were tasering and truncheoning their way through the mob to NJCP203get first in the queue for the jobs!

As the injuries piled up, Paramedics and Ambulance-men (Government cutbacks 150) who attended, joined in the battle for attention from the overwhelmed Jobcentre Plus staff in a desperate bid to get an interview for one of the non-existent jobs.

JS02MSarmedCSO and traffic warden Mike Steedenski was forced to call in the Army for support (5000+ Government personnel cutbacks). He armed himself with the intention of getting an interview for himself.

When the Army arrived, they started to shoot the mob of job-seeking citizens, policemen, and medical staff, to get through to the front of the queue themselves.

NJCP204But there were too many job-seekers, Big Issue sellers and trained muggers in the crowd, and the mob started to get the upper hand.

The incident came to a sudden halt when the first floor of the building collapsed under the weight of the angry crowds.

The Fire Brigade could not attend straight away, due to another incident they were tackling, and with the Government cutbacks, they had not got sufficient staff to respond immediately.

The Red Cross, St Johns Ambulance and Boys Brigade Scout first aid badge holders took hours to sort out the living, dead and injured, but heroically did so, despite being hounded by Big Issue sellers, pickpockets and looters while trying to rescue people.

One Boy Scout, Alberto Zwievski-Sozzled (63), was injured by a mobility scooter as he tried to cross the road to tend to an injured mugged Senior Citizen.


Nottingham’s Chief Constable undercover in Bermuda on a fact-finding mission

Nottingham’s Chief Constable Danny Soz explained:

As the reports of the violence came in, I was on my way to Bermuda for a fact finding mission on how Bermudan addicts roll their weed cigarettes’. As soon as this fact-finding mission is accomplished, I will returned to attend and assess the results of this riot in Nottingham and sort out a few of the scumbag citizens.

NJCP205Firemen attending the scene took some time out to do a few public relations exercises with Shirley, the leader of the Job-centre plus team. 

There are now some more jobs coming in for the building industry trade, but only for work at the Jobcentre Plus Parliament St branch.

Inchcock Today: Thursday 27th November 2014


Thursday 27th November 2014

Stirred into life hastily around 0500hrs – later than normal, but than I did not nod-off last night until 1230hrs gone.


Little Inchy tended to, only the slightest specks of blood.

Made cuppa and took medications.

Searched for hearing aids for a while before I found them next to the kettle?

Beats me as well that does.

04th02Arose and beautified missen, got dressed up nice and warm.

Got the stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, made sure I’d got the banks letter, bus-pass and set off on me walk to Sherwood.

I called at the GP surgery en-route and requested some extra Phorpain gel and 04th02apainkillers. As I left I took a photo of the traffic with their lights on, and this was about 1015hrs, still murky.

I took another photo as I walked into Sherwood, still dark and danke.

I caught a bus into town and limped into the City Centre and called at the Bank.

04th01I have to return when the new pin no. arrives.

The Nottinghan Tourist shop had a Monopoly with a Nottingham theme in the window. I took a picture of it – I wonder if the players in this Monopoly lose their jobs, go shoplifting, mugging, ride cycles on pavements, attack elderly pedestrians on mobility scooters, root through other peoples bins, get sizzled each day, are members of Gamblers Anonymous, fiddle their benefits, 04th03ecarry guns and knives, use drugs of all sorts, burglarise their locality, smoke Lithuanian cigarettes and have to take a Big Issue Sellers card instead of Community chest card?

Had a wander around the City Centre taking photo’s of the rides at the Winter Wonderland Fayre.

The horses ride only had two people on it.

04th03fThe kids vehicle ride only had one on it.

The Ice Skating Rink was not open yet.

I took a couple of shots of food stalls, they were doing a little better trade with the Nottingham folk – it still amazes me how a family say 3 kids and hubby and wife can afford to eat at these places – I can’t. (Jealousy… was all over my jjjealousy… ♫)

04th03cI know the weather was a bit murky, but what can we expect at this time of year – but the faces of most folk showed they were not a happy bunch of Nottinghamians.

I could not resist taking a photo of the stall selling the ladies headwear and scarves again. I love these accessories for the ladies, but no one can tell me what they are called… apart from hats of course.

04th03dI hobbled up into the Victoria centre and had a limp though the market and at a ladies accessory shop I took a photo of part of the display to post on the Troll Free Zone site to tickle the lady TFZers fancy.

04th03bI continued to the end of the mall and called in a shop to buy some Picnic bars that I have recently took a fancy to – why I don’t understand because in my younger years I didn’t like em at all?

Then into Tesco and that’s where I spend far too much bearing in mind I cannot get at me money until the card comes through. (Tsk twit!)

My guilty purchases’?: Fresh Cream Horns, Cheesey seaweed, Lemon and Lime marshmallows and some Sapoka. Ah well!

04th04I walked through and passed the Trinity Square mega costly food court on my way to the bus-stop – took a photo of crowds demanding being fed at outrageous prices. There were three people I think.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and called in the Co-op to get some ice lollies.

Got in the Cream horns didn’t last five minutes before I’d demolished them.


Made a cuppa and laptop working okay now so did some graphics and facebooking.

Took medications at 1700hrs.

Treated little ‘Inchy’ – no blood, looking good.

I made some Sapoka sandwiches and instant potato with cheese to have with a drop of BBQ sauce and pickled beetroot.

Another riveting day comes to a close…

Some of Inchcock’s Cars wot he has owned… some most regrettably so!

Cars01Raleigh Safety Seven

I started as so many did on the motorbikes, eventually treating myself to a 3 wheeled Raleigh Safety Seven, cold, lethal and I loved her! I named her Suzie Safety Seven.

She passed away within three weeks, beyond saving she was. Sad!

Cars02Robin Reliant

I thought the idea of going out without having to put me  helmet, gloves, boots and goggles on was so novel.

I seemed to have so much fun with Wilhelmina over the years, and do miss the old gal to bits.

I loved my last one to bits. It was only due to the call of a certain young lady for more room to manoeuvre in, that I eventually got a (four door) Skoda Estelle.

Cars03Skoda Estelle

Getting a larger car without any spare cash left thanks to a certain young lady’s demands was not easy.

I had to ‘do a deal’ with an Arthur Daley type auto trader – a straight swap, so had to go for an Estelle that was considerably older than Safety Seven Suzie.

A multitude of failed parts, collapsed assembly’s, break-downs (I think the RAC were considering cancelling my membership), lousy brakes, lack of power and unreliability were rampant throughout the time I owned Wilhelmina as I christened her. (Sounds a bit like my body today…Hehehe!).

But, there were plenty of vehicle scrap yards to pick from to get cheap replacement parts that had deceased functioning or blew-up on me. Apart from the ‘usual’ Skoda parts that all seemed to suffer from – Starter/Alternator, Internal window wire assembly, heater/thermostat, Cooler pipe valve etc.

Still I was young, eager, had a life and foolishly thought my lime-green Skoda Estelle was the bees knees at the time! (I know…)

Cars04Standard Vanguard

An older car again, but she looked in good nick.

Bench seats, column gears, and terrible vision – I loved it.

Heavy on the juice, but the smell of those leather seats was wonderful.

Although slow to get going, she would cruise easily at 70 mph – but stopping such a heavy car like ‘Vanessa’ proved difficult when going at any speed – as I proved when I ran into the back of a stationary British Army Bedford lorry…

Vanessa had to be put down, I got in trouble, my insurance went up and I lost me job in Wales ‘cause I couldn’t get there. Hey-ho!

Cars05Austin Maxi.

This British Leyland made vehicle did not give me enough time to name her.

She had air conditioning in the boot. (A dirty great run of galloping rust had eaten away at the metal and I could just put my hand through the hole to get anything I needed from it.)

She was noisy, but a belter on the motorway, I had 100mph out of her with ease – mind you, she was too keen on stopping as I recall.

She had a personalised gear-change that often refused to respond to me needs to change into fourth gear.

Cars06Ford Consul Classic

Within a couple of weeks, the Austin Maxi was traded in part-exchange for a Ford Consul Classic.

4 door twin headlights, maroon and cream, leather bench front seats, boy did it get the birds going – it ran like a heap of junk, rusty, slow, bad column gear-change, leaking back window, but boy the dolly-birds always wanted a lift home in my American looking car – haha! (Oh dear I mustn’t get myself too excited)

I Christened her: Leaky Linda

Yet another car that didn’t last me for long.

Cars07Bedford CA van

A Bedford CA van, split windscreen.

Now as bad as it was to drive, it amazed me how good the fuel consumption was at first, until I realised the fuel gauge had been tampered with after I ran out of petrol between Matlock and Bakewell in the Derbyshire Dales.

The high mounted seats had no adjustments, making it work hard work with my little short legs.

But I did get some spare-time work in using it to deliver small bags of coal and firewood for the local ‘Aurthur Daley’ who worked from under the railway viaduct near to where I lived.

Cars08Renault Fuego

After buying this good looking car, my mate did a check on the engine, did something to the valves, bit of tuning, and returned the car to me, saying it was alright and safe!

I got in the car to go to the Cash and Carry and pulled away.

As I was passing a mates shop I decided to show off me new wheels like – as I pulled onto his forecourt, the engine dropped out to the floor amidst a cloud of mist, dust, rust, and sparks!

It cost me £35 (A lot of money in those days) to have it towed away and destroyed.

That has to be the shortest time I’ve ever owned a car.

Cars09Austin Allegro 1750 Equipe

I saw an advertisement for an Allegro 1750 Equipe that was going cheap, and I visited the owner.

Within two minutes of test driving her, I’d decided to buy her; she went like a bat out of hell!

She even had go faster stripes on her sides.

Unfortunately, the rust and fuel gauge went too fast for me too!

Cars10Austin Allegro Estate

I bought this Austin Allegro estate 1500 because I’d just started the shop up on Oakdale Road in Nottingham. I needed to transport stuff from the cash & carry etc daily.

And she did the job magnificently I can proudly say.

I moved a full size retail chest freezer on her once to Derby.

Admittedly I had to keep the tail gate door open, but she coped well with it.

A workhorse of the finest metal she was, never let me down at any time.

When I lost the shop I decided to downsize a bit and bought an:

Cars11Allegro mark3 HLS

Later I purchased a newer Allegro mark3, four door, twin headlights, new A-plus engine, and the usual rampant rust. She was faster than the Equipe! and was so good on fuel.

Of course, as you could and did in those days, I took her on the motorway to find out what her top speed was. I got 105mph out of her, and was well pleased.

When I took her to me local garage for her MOT – I called in later to see how things were looking and the mechanic said “It might look better, but someone has crammed paper into the wing rust holes and the sills have been cleverly painted to mast the rust there mate!”

Oh dear I thought and asked him how much to get it sorted…

£200 or thereabouts he smiled at me!

But being so pleased with how it drove and liking the looks of it, I had it done.

I was in a well paid job in Carter’s pop factory, started fishing again, and decided to buy a 4×4 to replace the mark 3.

Needing a deposit, I stuck to my guns in asking for £800 to sell my Allegro to my boss at the time, he said; “If it really can do 100 mph, pick me up in the morning, and if it does, I’ll pay the £800 for it!”

So I picked him up, got on the motorway, proved she could, and he agreed to pay the £800 – just before the police Ford Granada caught up with us, and indicated for me to pull in!

When I got my licence back, I did buy a Panda Sisley 4×4.

A Brand New Panda Sisley 4×4


Cars12The sunroof leaked, the radio didn’t work, it was as slow as anything I’d driven before, the engine was noisy, the gears were crunchy, bits started to and kept on falling off of it, and the 4×4 engaging level stuck… but in 4 wheel drive, she was great off-road.

Back and forth to the garage JCP in Kegworth near where I was working several time, and got all the usual verbal garbage off of the desk man and the mechanic… you know, like:

Inchcock: “Are you going to replace the tail-gate badge, the Sisley motto and the inside door handle that have fell-off in the first three days?”

 Reception Man: “The badges that dropped off will be replaced’ (It took them five weeks)

Mechanic: “Wot yer on abaght with the speed thing you bothered the salesman wiv then?”

Inchcock: “Well the hand book says the top speed is 85mph, the most I’ve got out of her is 70mph!”

Mechanic: “Well that’s the legal limit innit?

Inchcock: “ Yer, but you sell Alpha Romero’s that do 140mph, so are you breaking the law?”

Mechanic: No no no, it’ll soon improve, you’ve got to let the engine settle cause it’s new!”

Like a twit I believed him. In the years I had the car it never got above 72mph.  

Inchcock: “Now the sunroof you fitted is leaking!”

Reception Man: “Bring it in week after next and we’ll ‘ave a look at it”

Inchcock: “I want it mending not being looked at!”

Meanwhile I got a puncture, and the wheel brace broke! So I took it in when he said and he told me they could not find the time to repair the leaking roof, but gave me a second had brace. They told me to come back in two days. So I did.

Mechanic: “We haven’t got a seal to fit, but we’ve got one on order mate. I’ll book you in for next Wednesday, would you like to bring it in am or pm?”

Inchcock: “AM… how long will it take?

Reception Man: “Two or three days”

Inchcock: “Will I get a courtesy car?”

Reception Man: “Of yes, no problem!”

So I took it in on theWednesday and…

Reception Man: “I’m afraid we do not have any cars available for you”

Inchcock: “What!”

Reception Man: “You can bring it in again later Sir!”

After much verbal exchanges that grew louder on my part, the manager came out to see what was going on. I explained my position and the manager said: If we do not have a car available Sir, there is nothing we can do!”

Inchcock: “We there is something I can do – you can take the ∑℅¤$£)>Ψ◊ car back and give me a refund now!”

After the manager consulted with various other people he came back and gave me the keys to a Fiat Croma to use!

Never went there again I can tell yer.

The only advantage of that car was with me mate and the back seat down, the rod holdalls between the seat and the boxes and other tackle in the back, we managed easily when we went fishing.

When we went to Attenborough gravels, we often encounted two chaps en route in a Landrover and we would race each other as both parties wanted the  same good fishing spot. And my little Panda was let behind on the road, but when we got into the muddy fields inside the complex I could usually catch him up and overtake them getting to the spot first. The driver got really mad about this, but his off road driving was pathetic. He just used to put his foot down without trying to stay in as high a gear as possible and slid all over as we passed him. A rare series of victory for Inchcock.

Cars12aSubaru Justy 4×4

I part-exchanged the Sisley for a Subaru Justy 4×4 saloon.

The 4×4 change was sleek, a button on top of the gear level. You only had to be driving straight and up to 40mph and one press put her in 4×4 mode in seconds.

She was nippy for a 1300 engine too.

Put the Sisley to shame in that department.

And it was much more of a comfortable ride too.

And had more space in the back.

What a car, only let me down once, when the fuel filter got clogged. I regretted getting rid of her.

Cars12bHillman Humber Super Snipe Estate

What a car.

I bought her as a sort of second car really, because she was so big long and wide, everyday use in the narrow streets where I frequented would have caused problems.

The ride was soft and luxurious.

The seats also.

And the column gear change was the best I’ve ever used.

A heavy car naturally it was heavy on fuel – but hey… I was young and flamboyant in those days.

The lights on her was not up to scratch though, and talking about scratches, she had more than her fair share on her bodywork when I bought her.

Still I enoyed taking mates and their lassies around showing off yer know!

When the engine packed up, it would have been too expensive even for me get mended, so she had to go, sadly.

Cars14Triumph Dolomite Sprint

A nice Triumph Dolomite Sprint next.

The air-conditioning through the holes in the floor-pan where unique.

The leaking roof, windows, sills and oil were original in their intensity.

The engine was dynamite though and not a lot of other traffic could beat it.

The rattles were ever changing, but ever present if you know what I mean.

Cars15Daihatsu Sportrak

I got another great performer here, and she was good on fuel.

So quiet on the road she was, nippy smooth and gave me a sense of confidence too, her brakes were first class.

The only thing that niggled me about her was when I wanted to put het into four wheel drive mode.

I had to get the tools out, get out of the jeep and adjust both front wheels manually – then of course do it again in reverse when I wanted to go back to two wheel drive.

What a headache that was.

She would drive on the motorway with the greatest of ease forever.

I’d have kept her longer but she got nicked and trashed by a gang of druggies.

Cars16Ford Escort van

I got a Ford Escort van, which fell to pieces literally.

When I was waiting to the insurance on the Daihatsu I got it as a stop- gap like – stop being the operative word… she liked to do that regularly as well as refusing to start.

One good thing though, if I was on me way to pick someone up they could hear me engine and wheel nuts half a mile away en route.

Eventually it was getting beyond trying to keep her going and I rang a scrap-yard or two to get the best price offered for her.

The place called the Ponderosa just outside Nottingham was prepared over the phone to offer me £25 if I could get her there on me own and not be collected.

Not bad I thought, I’ve got a week left on the MOT so I took off to deliver her there.

Going down Mapperley Hill en route, I think I said to myself ‘Flipping heck’ when the brakes failed.

Bob from the Ponderosa came and took away the crunched up Escort van for me after I phone him when the ambulance had gone deciding I  didn’t need any attention…

And he charged me £50 for taking it.

A vehicle I have never felt sorry about losing!

Cars16aFord Fiesta Diesel

Then a Ford Fiesta diesel, that was so very noisy but good and reliable, another one I should have hung onto maybe.

I was working in Security then, the only job I could get after being made redundant by Carters pop people.

She had bigger wheels and that helped in the bad weather as I was sent all over the place.

Local mind, the furthest places I had to go was Derbyshire, Leicestershire, Mansfield and Skegness.

But Bluebell as I named her got me there and back every time.

Quite a cheap car to run as well, great on fuel and as I said, nothing ever went wrong with her… apart from the odd puncture like.

Cars17BMC J4 van (well I part owned it really, we used it for going fishing).

We kept sharing it between me and Mad Ken, because Bill Bates and Jock Kirkpatrick could or should not drive.

I really miss those lads now they’ve gone.

Mad Ken who was paranoid but so likeable. No idea if he is still going.

Bill Bates the Co-op butcher, brought up in a rough area of Nottingham but tuned his accent so that anyone would think he was a Conservative MP rather than a rough Nottingham Radford lad. Passed away through drink related problems.

Jock Kirkpatrick, Bomber rear gunner during the war, my neighbour, a true character and the finest maker of potatoe scones I’ve ever known. I feel that if there is a heaven, I’m going to me Jock there.

Sorry I waffled off the subject a bit didn’t I?

Cars18Ford Fiesta Mark4

A silver-grey Ford Fiesta which was not very old when I bought it and was another gem of a car.

Never gave me any concerns, I didn’t even ever have a puncture with her.

She never failed an MOT.

She never failed to start any morning.

As I a gem of a smooth running nippy little car.

Until she burst into flames on the A453.

Cars19Vauxhall Royale

I bought this Vauxhall Royale because it was so cheap and I could carry more folk in it, and by now I had suffered my second occasion of being made redundant – and one of the only ways I could make a bit extra was by lifting lads and lasses from the agency to and from work.

This Royale was the perfect tool for doing that I thought.

It could take 5 folk with ease and occasionally six at bit of a pinch, and helped me to get through financially in very trying times.

 But the engine passed away rather quickly.

Cars20Ford Fiesta

Yet another nice little motor.

Quiet, smoothish, reliable… ish.

I liked it.

But things started worry me a bit, mostly the odd noises.

But I needn’t have worried about the odd noised really…

Because a nurse on her way to work at the Queens medical Centre drove across and into me as I was driving straight through the traffic lights in her boyfriends Volkswagen Golf.

Now, if your going to get hit by a car, I recommend you not to chose a Volkswagen Golf.

She took the blame there and then bless her.

But the Fiests needed anew door, sill and sidebar.

It would take several weeks to repair, so I bought a cheapo car from one of the lads at work.

Cars21Fiat Cinquecento

This car had its very own characteristics:

The petrol tank seeped.

The speedometer did its own thing.

The brakes were horrendously bad.

The driver’s door leaked in the rain.

The engine was very reluctant to start in a morning.

Sometimes the engine was even reluctant to stop, even with the ignition key taken out!

That thank heavens was stolen from the works car park, never to be seen again.

When I was made redundant for the fourth time, and failed to get an interview never mind job – then the ticker needed a replacement valve, the arthritis set in, the angina set in, the piles started, the prostate was investigated when they found the bowel cancer and lasered it, and quiet naturally they took away me driving licence.

The end of my driving – but they gave me a free pensioners bus-pass!

Tuesday 25th November 2014

Nothing cheers Inchcock up like feeding his mallards and pigeons! Sad innit? 

Tuesday 25th November 201402Tue01

I kept waking up shivering, increased the heating, put extra togs on.


Little Inch inflamed and sore but no blood again… looking good?

Gave up trying to kip. Started the laptop and went down and made a cuppa and get me medications ready for later.

A dizzy-spell caused me to spill the tea on me way upstairs – went down and made another mug of char.

Got into the interneting and forgot about me mug of tea as it grew steadily colder – Humph!


I had a peek outside – freezing fog… -1.5ºc (29.3ºf), still it’s better than many places like America with their abundant snow in places?

0455hrs took medications.

Flippin’ cold again now -2c and misty with it. Still, this is a tad higher than yesterday.

Got missen cleansed shaved and well wrapped up.

I got the laundry togs ready, and hoping I’d not forgot anything set off to walk to the launderette.

Hadn’t gone far when I realised I’d not got me hearing aids in. But it didn’t matter, no one spoke to me. (Hehehe)

I’d remembered the money for the machines, balls for the drier, fabric softener and book to read – but had forgotten the soap tablets. Hey-ho.

Struggled back to the hoppit with the bags and put togs away… well dropped the bags in the bedroom.

Decided on a walk into town to look at laptops, DVD players, Microwaves and get a woolly hat. Then remembered I hadn’t got a valid card to use to pay for anything.

02Tue02As I walked into town I noticed one of the Nottingham Council’s electric powered road sweepers and took a photo of it.

As I passed the Continental food shop where they sell the high volume beer, there were two winos trying to have a fight with each other, plenty of swearing and gesticulations going on, but I think the alcohol had limited their ability to hit any target.

02Tue03They mutually agreed to sit in the floor and put their arm around each other?

As I passed the Victoria bus station I took a photo of the flats and sky – it looked amazing to my eye, but it didn’t seem to come out like I recall it being.

Further down Mansfield Road a chap was sat in a doorway with his scruffy little dog and I caught sight of the bottle of Whisky under the dogs blanket… Mmmm?


Ostrich Burger Stall

I walked on and into the City Centre, taking some photographs along the way:

1) The Ostrich Burger stall with the helter-skelter in the background, with the man and woman on the right of the frame showing her giving him some vocals and you can see his reaction in his face I think?


Crochet Hat and Scarves for a tenner (£10) each

2) A little further along passing the stalls I came across one selling ladies wool-knitted headwear… Crochet Hat and Scarves for a tenner (£10) each. I liked the style of these indeed and took the photo to show the TFZ gals and see what they thought about them.

They reminded me of something or someone, but I can’t remember what exactly. Film? Film-star? Book?


Skating Rink

3) A short distance further on and I whipped it out again… the camera I mean. A food stall selling Minted Lamb, Roast Turkey, Wild Boar Burgers, Venison Burgers, Pigs in Blankets and Ostrich Steaks etc.

I couldn’t see any of the prices, but there was no one buying owt at the stall.

4) As I crossed into the Slab Square and walked through the highly priced stalls selling stuff from all over the world – in the centre of all these stalls were a few children’s fair rides.

And they were putting the final touches to the ice-skating rink!

Unfortunately it wasn’t yet open for business – or else I would have had a bash and skated a few rapid circuits yer know.

(The above sentence was created and typed with no intention of misleading the caring magnanimous and wonderful readers of this diary – it was just a plain lie like!)

So onward to the tram stop and caught one (Tram not stop) into Bulwell.

The ticket checker woke me up asking to see me travel-pass, and he checked it on his machine to make sure that I’d swiped it like we have to now before getting on the tram.

02Tue07Still the threatening rain held off as I alighted the tram and made for the river to feed me Mallard ducks and pigeons.

I’m not sure now if it is actually allowed to feed birds in Bulwell – because it caused a crowd to gather on the bridge watching me as I fed em? (The ducks and pigeons that is, not the crowds)

Bulwell market was quite busy for a change… pickpockets delight that place.

02Tue08I nipped into Fultons Food shop and bought another pack of the microwave sausages for when I get another microwave oven and some Marmite bread sticks… short dated but only 15p a packet.

As I came out of the shop and walked across the way, I was just in time to see a woman on a mobility scooter sat talking to another younger lady and the scooter shot backwards and she panicked and lost control a bit.

Luckily she did not hit anyone, but the thing that amused me was the way she just carried on talking to the other woman as if nothing happened afterwards. She scattered a few pedestrians!

I plodded to the bus-stop to get one back to Carrington.

Which I did.

Got in, WC, made a cuppa and some sandwiches then read me book for a while.

I did not… I say Did Not fall asleep! (Chest out, superior sneer adopted)

1730hrs: Tended little ‘Inch’- no bleeding at all!

Made cuppa and took me medications.

Internetted for a while.

Still got this nagging feeling I’ve forgotten something…

Inchcock Today: Monday 24th November 2014


I awoke around 0200hrs – almost like getting an electric shock – wide awake!


I poddled down and made a cuppa, too early for me medications yet.

Returned upstairs and started to update posts for the League of Mental Men site.

WC – and no blood from little ‘Inch’ – tender, but no blood! dabbed a tad of Betamethasone cream on and managed not to scream-out. (Hehe)

Feeling depressed this morning… why? No idea!

 0515hrs: Cuppa and took medications. Inch still no blood. (Good)

Got the things ready for me walk to the QMC for me NRI blood level tests – but could not find me Anticoagulation record card. So I’ll have to go up to the fourth floor and get another one – good thing I’m setting out early (0630hrs still dark).

-2ºc the cars windscreens well frosted over. Took a photo.

Hobbled down to the Queens Medical Centre taking 1hr 35mins for the hike.

As I passed the college on Triumph Road I took two photo’s of the fancy shaped new buildings

Arrived to be greeted by Unison members on picket duty just outside the hospital. Took a photo.

Slowly I ascended the stairs to the anticoagulation unit and had to wait a while for the printer to be turned on, got me record card and back down to floor B and into the waiting area outside haematology.


Again two staff had not turned up for work, last week it was three. The two left on duty were well pee’d off. I wondered if they ere taking industrial action but didn’t like to ask while she’s got the needle in me arm. (Hehe)

Came out and foolishly tried to get on a bus to Bulwell and the driver pointed out that I could not use me free-bus-pass until 0930hrs. Red-faced I got off and started to walk to town (55min’s) taking a photo of the wonderful but dark sky. There I caught as tram to Bulwell (0932hrs)

Now this is good, even for a twit like me – I went into Fultons Frozen Foods  shop, and was overjoyed at seeing they had some of the giant packs of microwave sausages in stock again and bought one post haste, well pleased.

I then called in the cheapo shop to see if any bargains were available and while in there it dawned on me that I have no longer got a microwave! Huh!

Fed the ducks on the river Leen and caught the bus back to Carrington.

Took  a photo of what was left of a chained up bike near the Kebab-Pizza poisoning shop- it was not a lot.

Got in and WC’d.

Now… throughout the course of me mammoth walkabout I took about eight photos, some of which I thought were good.

Started the laptop – but no internet connection at all – closed and opened Chrome again, still nothing. I went down and reset the BT hub, and got numbers off of it in case I needed them later.

Came back up and restarted the laptop – nothing again.

Went down and checked what I could and reset hub again.

Came back up and second try it started?

I downloaded the photo’s I’d took, deleted them from the camera card – and the laptop turned itself off: lost em all!

Hence no photo’s in today diary. After all that bother as well. Tsk! blow and damnations!

Restarted again after going through the checks demanded and it seems alright again now.

Updated this diary – but me heart wasn’t in it after losing me photographs.

And… after losing/misplacing me bank card and going embarrassed to the bank and helpful lady helping me sort it out, I should get new card around Wednesday/Thursday… when I was at the hospital earlier I found the blooming thing! Oh… fed-up I am fed-up frustrated and low… still that’s about normal fer me nowadays. (Hehehe)

Inchcock’s thoughts on George Gideon Oliver Osborne

Ode01George Gideon Oliver Osborne born 23 May 1971. 

Sir Richard Osborne, founder of the Osborne dynasty, was an MP and a high-ranking official in Ireland, and was made a hereditary baronet by King Charles I in 1629, in recognition of his public service. The seventh baronet, Sir John Osborne, great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of today’s Chancellor, was also an MP. So was Sir William, the eighth baronet, and Sir Henry, the 11th baronet. But the real glamour in Osborne’s ancestry is on his mother’s side. His maternal grandmother was the Hungarian-born painter Clarisse Loxton Peacock, who married an Englishman, Grantley Loxton Peacock. There is politics also in his wife Frances’s family. She is the daughter of David Howell, now Lord Howell of Guildford, a minister of Margaret Thatcher’s original Cabinet in 1979.

He was educated at St Paul’s School, London, and at Magdalen College , Oxford , where he read modern history. At Oxford he was a demy (scholar) and joint editor of the University magazine Isis . After a short spell as a freelance journalist, George joined the Conservative Research Department in 1994 and became Head of the Political Section. From 1995-7 he was the Special Adviser at the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and worked in the Political Office at 10 Downing Street. From 1997-2001 George was Political Secretary to the Leader of the Opposition and Secretary to the Shadow Cabinet.

He has never held a proper job in his life.

Osborne married The Hon Frances Victoria Howell (b. 18 February 1969), author and elder daughter of the Conservative politician and Government Minister Lord Howell of Guildford, on 4 April 1998. The couple have two children, Luke Benedict, born at Westminster on 15 June 2001, and Liberty Kate, born at Westminster, London, on 27 June 2003. He has an estimated personal fortune of around £4 million, as the beneficiary of a trust fund that owns a 15 per cent stake in Osborne & Little, the wallpaper-and-fabrics company co-founded by his father, Sir Peter Osborne.

Ode02Chancellor makes £450,000 profit selling his taxpayer-funded second home

Included the mortgage for a paddock on his taxpayer-funded expenses, Land Registry documents disclose.

The chancellor and his wife Frances bought a Cheshire farmhouse and the neighbouring land in his constituency for £455,000 in 2000, before he became an MP.

Between 2003 and 2009, he claimed up to £100,000 in expenses to cover mortgage interest payments on both the land and the property at Harrop Fold farm near Macclesfield.

The chancellor’s farmhouse featured in the MPs’ expenses scandal of 2009. It emerged that he had “flipped” his second home allowance on to the property and increased the mortgage. Throughout the lengthy parliamentary inquiry into Osborne’s expense claims that followed, there was no mention of the separate land.

But it has emerged that the expenses payments were not only for a house but also for the neighbouring paddock, which is registered separately with the Land Registry.

HMRC boss admits to more data losses Author: Andrew Porter

Summary: HMRC has admitted there have been seven other significant data losses in recent years. … Last night shadow Chancellor George Osborne said: “These admissions blow a hole in Alistair Darling’s defence. As the acting head of HMRC admits, far from being a mistake by a single junior official, the data security breaches at HMRC are the result of serious systemic failures.” “The public will now expect the Chancellor to come clean and explain exactly when and how these previous losses of personal information took place. Alistair Darling’s credibility is hanging by a thread. He is running out of time to reassure the British public that he’s capable of getting a grip.”


Chancellor George Osborne blew nearly £1,000 of taxpayers’ cash on a trip to Germany that let him watch his team win the ­Champions League.

The multi-millionaire Chelsea fan held brief talks on the eurozone crisis with his German counterpart Wolfgang Schaeuble, which meant the jaunt was classed as an official visit.

But he later grinned and clapped wildly as Chelsea won 4-3 against Bayern Munich after a penalty shoot-out.

According to figures slipped out on the Treasury website, the trip cost taxpayers £949.

But the total bill will have been higher because officials travelled with him to attend the formal talks.

The revelation comes just weeks after the wallpaper heir, who has a £4million trust fund, claimed “we are all in this together” as the Tory axeman hammered millions of hard-up families in his recent mini-budget.Chancellor George Osborne blew nearly £1,000 of taxpayers’ cash on a trip to Germany that let him watch his team win the ­Champions League.

The multi-millionaire Chelsea fan held brief talks on the eurozone crisis with his German counterpart Wolfgang Schaeuble, which meant the jaunt was classed as an official visit.

Osb03But he later grinned and clapped wildly as Chelsea won 4-3 against Bayern Munich after a penalty shoot-out.

According to figures slipped out on the Treasury website, the trip cost taxpayers £949.

But the total bill will have been higher because officials travelled with him to attend the formal talks.

George Osborne accused of breaking his promise not to fiddle figures

George Osborne has been accused of wasting public money by “massaging” spending plans to avoid the embarrassment of a rising deficit.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies, an independent think tank, suggested that the Chancellor had engaged in the same sort of economic manipulation he criticised Gordon Brown for.

Budget figures showed the Government borrowed £121 billion last year. This year borrowing will be £120.9 billion.

Ministers have admitted that the tiny fall was only possible because of emergency cuts in departmental budgets this year, and delaying payments to bodies like the European Union and World Bank.

The Treasury has described that process as sensible use of public money, saying it would prevent wasteful spending at the end of the financial year.

Osb04Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander claims Mr Osborne has a family-sized fridge at work full of snacks, treats and milk – but doesn’t share

But he said the multi-millionaire Tory refuses to share the contents with loyal staff.

George Osborne attends as the Dallas Cowboys play the Jacksonville Jaguars in an NFL match at Wembley Stadium Snack Time: George Osborne reportedly padlocked the treasury fridge so he didn’t have to share  However, tonight Mr Osborne’s aides hit back – saying the fridge is communal and his comments show how rarely Mr Alexander makes a tea round.

Speaking to Westminster journalists about working with Mr Osborne, Lib Dem axe-man Mr Alexander said first: “We do share things – but not the milk.

“To my amusement, he still keeps it under lock and key. His fridge in the Treasury kitchen is replete with a padlock.”

George Osborne was embarrassed by a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD today when he failed to answer a basic maths question.

pcs-Raddings-chanc-23q.jpgThe Chancellor was being interviewed by a panel of children on Sky News about the economy.

But he was left flummoxed when seven-year-old Sam Raddings asked him what seven times eight is.

Flustered, Mr Osborne eventually replied: “I’ve made it a rule in life not to answer a whole load of maths questions.”

Many were quick to ridicule the Chancellor for dodging the question.

“It’s a little worrying that the Chancellor George Osborne doesn’t seem to know simple maths,” wrote one.

It isn’t the first time Osborne has been lampooned on social media recently.

He also found himself at the figure of fun after trying to take credit for the next Star Wars movie being filmed in UK.

Earlier, Mr Osborne admitted he wishes he had done more to help Britain’s economy when the coalition first came to power.

Osb05George Osborne parks in disabled bay: Tory Chancellor causes outrage by ignoring restrictions

He’s snatched millions of pounds in benefits from those in most need – and it seems that George Osborne could not care less about anyone else.

Tonight he was branded selfish and arrogant after allowing his chauffeur to park his £50,000 Land Rover in a space reserved for the disabled.

There were plenty of other places available just a few yards away as the Tory Chancellor was dropped off for a burger at an M4 service station.

But Mr Osborne was obviously far too important to waste valuable seconds – and the bright-yellow markings on the restricted bay were brazenly ignored.

Richard Hawkes, chief executive of the disability charity Scope claimed the incident “shows how wildly out of touch the Chancellor is with disabled people in the UK”.

He said: “They will see this as rubbing salt in their wounds.

“Many are already struggling to make ends meet, yet the Chancellor’s response has been to cut vital financial support and squeeze local care budgets.”

Ten things you might not know about Osborne

There are a few things you may not know about the man with his hands on the nation’s purse-strings.

  1. He was originally called “Gideon Oliver Osborne” (nicknamed “Giddy” by schoolmates), before changing his first name to George by deed poll at the age of 13.
  2. While working for John Major, Osborne was “perky” in his delight about Tony Blair’s election as Prime Minister – dubbing him “The Master”. Meanwhile, when Iain Duncan Smith was leader of the Tory party, Osborne used to refer to Blair as “our real leader”.
  3. Before the 2010 election, Osborne used to be “dismissive” of LibDem leader Nick Clegg – partly as Clegg refused a dinner invitation from him and David Cameron. He also thought Clegg was “politically clueless”, but would later “have to revise this view during the general election campaign”.
  4. He loathed Gordon Brown. In his office, he would refer to Brown as a “bast**d” and delighted in impersonating him as a lurching monster. Brown’s impact on Osborne left him behaving like an “abused puppy” according to an adviser, who was “mentally trapped” by a man he professed to hate.
  5. Osborne was “far from distraught” when David Willetts, as Tory education spokesman, was embroiled in a controversial debate over grammar schools. After Willetts’ demotion, Osborne was said to have laughed that “he’ll never have my job then!”
  6. Despite ruling it out at Tory conference last week, Osborne agreed with Nick Clegg last year to bring in a mansion tax in exchange for slashing the 50p tax rate for top earners. However, it was vetoed by David Cameron.
  7. Osborne “fell into” the Conservative Party, with his biographer remarking that “had he been born a decade later and grown up in the mid-1990s, he might be a Blairite Labour MP striving to catch Ed Miliband’s eye for a frontbench promotion”.
  8. He was a “fervent fan” of Madonna.
  9. George Osborne once challenged a fellow student at Oxford to a wasabi eating contest and won, but he was left “doubled over in agony”.
  10. That our chancellor played a naughty “pass the ice cube” game with Spice Girl Geri Halliwell in 2009 while at a wedding.

It’d seem there is more to Giddy than meets the eye…

Osb06a“Pasty tax” was a popular phrase used by the British press to describe a proposal made by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Conservative MP George Osborne, in the 2012 United Kingdom budget to simplify the tax treatment of “hot takeaway food” so that Value Added Tax (VAT) would be charged at 20% in all cases. The change would have increased the sale price of hot snacks such as sausage rolls and Cornish pasties sold on the premises where they were baked.

The issue became a political controversy, described by at least one newspaper as a political scandal, dubbed Pastygate in March 2012.

The outcome: After the public opposition, Osborne significantly altered the plans in late May, which was characterised as a “U-turn”.

Personally I love this entry on: Uncyclopedia 


Gideon “Slash’n’Burn” Osborne (born 23 May 1971), better known as Boy George, Bum Nose or Georgie Porgie, is a British aristocrat, Conservative Party politician, ponce, forthcoming baronet, prospective inheritor a vast fortune and, as of May 2010, Chief Lord Chancer of the Exchequer. He is all of these things and more; but more than anything, however, he is a Monumentally Colossal Twat. Indeed, being a twat has proved his lifelong vocation – an occupation which he self-avowedly places above all others in terms of the time, care and devotion he applies to it. He has spoke of his vast fortune in being able to combine his occupation as full-time twat with that of Chancellor to an incredible degree.

On a personal level, Osborne is a self-obsessed, smarmy, stuck-up, arse-faced country gentleman whose sickening, unappealing demeanour encapsulated in his voice, appearance, personality – and indeed his entire life story – is completely uninspiring to the vast majority in British society. Call him ignorant if you want, but he won’t be listening; call him an arse if you like, but for him the arse is just that bit at the bottom of your body that you spend most of your life sitting on, and which other people wipe for you. Dark clouds gather around his person, causing dismay to all who surround him – until he pays them to go and hover over a poorer person.

It has been noted by many that his nose bears an uncanny resemblance to a posterior, which is interesting because he is also noted for talking out of his arse and he does have something of a nasal twang, sometimes referred to as a posh speech impediment.

Osborne at Eton and Oxford

Osb06bThe boy, George, was sent away to Eton College when he was small. When he was bigger he left. Well actually, he didn’t go to Eton at all, but everyone thinks he did because it’s just such a bloody juicy story. He rose to the top of the all-male, white, upper class culture of this grand public school until a pauper actually had to build an extension so he could rise even higher. Osborne imposed his dominant personality on the school. He did gain a respectable 9 A*-C GCSE grades, but he only managed an F in Economics – a fact which the country now feels the bane of.

His school report noted that he did not pass with many flying colours, but rather, only one flying colour – and needless to say, it was white and always flew first class. Nevertheless, his father secured an excellent place at Oxford for his dear boy, mostly through intense fellatio, in a course other than economics. Before sending him to his top university, his father had told George to get high grades, though he also warned him not to trip over the balls at the Croquet game. Certainly some words in that sentence proved more influential than the general premise of the sentence itself.

George’s first course choice upon arrival at Oxford, was the legendary Politics, Philosophy & Economics (more commonly known as PPE). PPE, is a course designed to allow anybody and his dog to gain a first (similarly President of the Oxford Union) and present themselves as clever bugger, when fact getting a first in PPE is akin to getting clap. However George mistook the common element of PPE, as meaning or referring to common people. Exclaiming that he don’t do common and signed up instead to do modern history. George struggled at his chosen degree, until he realised that essays could be purchased from the web, thus blowing his entire trust fund in one term, as he struggled to understand that Modern, as in modern history did not refer to the Victorian period.

At Oxford University he was a member of the Bullingdon Club with ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, where they engaged in drunken debauchery, criminal vandalism, up-it-to-the-oiks-snobbery, capers and sodomy (Osborne being the ‘bottom’). These initial rumours were confirmed the week before the 2010 UK general election when footage of Osborne exhibiting considerable gastrointestinal capacity surfaced online. The two-hour-long viral video, entitled ‘Of Os-Borne’, which circulated through sneezing and nurses not washing their hands, was credited with swinging the polls 946mV in the Conservative party’s favour. It is perhaps testament to the sheer failure and ineptitude of the shitty conservative campaign that even despite all this, they failed to win the bloody election…

Inchcock: there is much much more at this link, satire par de excellence!

Osb08Osborne gave me my biggest none-satirical political laugh in years!

The Olympic Stadium has been filled with the cheers and applause of 80,000 people.

But for a few moments last night boos rang out from the arena in East London.

The boos were for government minister George Osborne, who was there to present a gold medal to Tunisia’s T38 400m champion Mohamed Farhat Chida.

He seemed to handle the occasion OK though, laughing when his face was shown on the big screen.

The prime minister, David Cameron, was made to feel more welcome when presenting swimming star Ellie Simmonds with her second swimming gold medal of the Games.

While there was some booing, the cheers from the crowd were reported to have drowned them out.