Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!

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Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.

I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.

26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.

“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”

At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and  spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”

“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.

“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element      £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?

He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.

I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.

He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.

Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.

Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.

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Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!

Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.

“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”

He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”

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Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!

Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.

After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.

Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.

Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.

As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.

Inchcock Today Tuesday 2nd December 2014

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Tuesday 2nd November 2014

I woke up around 0300hrs WC – ‘Little Inchy’ swollen and tender but no blood.

Seemed to recall some of a dream I was having and tried to remember some of it.

When I woke again at 0605hrs I couldn’t remember any of it, other than it was interesting, different and worth recording. Blow-it, I really wanted to tell you about it too. Ah well.

The angina was still playing up, the arthritis was not too bad in the knees but bothersome in the hands, the haemorrhoids okay, the ulcer okay and the earache still present but bearable at the time of writing. No dizzies yet, but then it’s early innit?

Went down and made a cuppa, then returned to me sleeping bag and started the laptop to update this Diary of Woe.

Did some Facebooking and checked emails.

Got the stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice shop and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

Biting wind and cold with it despite the sun shining.

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What a sky! Flaming cold though!

The sky looked rather beautiful. I took a photo of it as I limped along to the shop.

Dropped the bits off and crossed the road and caught a bus into Arnold to get some bits of nosh.

Now after having gone about five bus stops (one eighth of the way) I got off and walked the rest of the way into Arnold. I‘d like to say it was because I felt fit and wanted to get more exercise in than normal… the truth is I’d got on the wrong bus. I know, I know… sad innit!

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Fulton Foods – Heap cheapo bargains!

I walked along silently muttering to and swearing at myself into the Front Street and called in Iceland. Got some Warburton’s Thins on offer at £1 and iced lollies at the same price.

I came out and noticed two of the famously dangerous mobility scooters coming toward me and I crossed the road sharpishly. ‘Better a coward’ that to get ran-into by one of them again.

I hobbled along to the Fulton’s Store and got some cheapo smoked ham (Very tasty) miss-shapes and some baking spuds.

Feeling uncommonly weary now, I caught the (Correct numbered) bus back to Carrington.

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I saw a deep message in this scene – am I finding an artist side to me nature or summat?

As I passed St John’s church I took a photo of the wall near the gate,  thought the colours and scene was rather beautiful.

The leaves lying dead on the pavement.

The wild flowers, forcing their way into the sunlight in their battle for survival.

The type of thing I would never have noticed years ago.

 Got back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Feeling well drained now. Made nosh and I didn’t even start the laptop.

Felt so tired but could I drop off? Not for hours.