Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens


 Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens with 99% local menu dishes!

The inventiveness of a Nottingham pensioner, with the help of the Job Centre Plus staff, and a grant from the Alcoholics Association Support Group, has opened a new take-away in the local City Centre situated in the picturesque crime ridden Arboretum.

It’s been built in the renovated old Public Conveniences’ building. And fitted out with equipment from closed down Old People’s Homes, Fire bombed Police stations, and the recently closed Ukrainian Soup Kitchen, it is now, after 3 years hard work, ready for business.

AC02Situated in the centre of Nottingham’s Arboretum, it’s just up the hill behind the aviary, where the mugging took place last week; it has been painted in City Council colours of green and yellow, has a special kitchen chimney to avoid polluting the Arboretum’s ambience.

Mr Zoltan Peppa, the chef and co-proprietor, claims 99% of his menu is sourced locally.

He said: “My dishes willa be different, and mosta importantly, reasonabably priced, (Hic!), un ahaving local a connections”

On the opening menu are:

African Grey Parrot and suet dumplings (Do get confused ith the cheaper dish of Nottingham Pigeons and suet dumplings as the they both have grey feathers)

Served with baked acorns on a bed of Pondweed and crushed periwinkles. Marinated in a thick ketchup and rice-vinegar sauce. Served with wild mushrooms, acorn juice, fried conker skins, and if requested can be coated in Marijuana pepper.

£2.99 without pepper – £17.50 with pepper.

Beheaded Stickleback Stew

The delicately boned flesh of (The Gasterosteidae family) choice Arboretum Pond stickleback fish, plopped in a pan of seasoned Pondwater flavoured imitation bream-brine, white pepper, salt, gungo beans, plain Lithuanian flour, mango-sugar, and local tap water. Stewed for over two hours.


Pigeon Curry

Locally procured plump pigeons, de-feathered, beheaded, gutted and marinated in a rich popular local marinade of curry powder, Chilli powder, BBQ ketchup, none brewed condiment, raspberry jam, salt, and crushed beaks of Nottingham Arboretum Mallard pond ducks.


Jobcentre Soup

Local tap water, with Mulligatawny soup (Asda own label), pretend balsamic vinegar, and freshly dug potatoes from the nearby allotments of nearby residents at night to assure freshness are added. With a four inch thick slice of locally shop-lifted Continental bread.


Police Station Fire Bombed Tikka Surprise

Vindaloo curry, garlic, raw red capsicums, flamed Patna rice and rare Nottingham canal seaweed, hot chilli, burnt toast, and locally bred roasted frog legs, with Szechuan sauce.


Unemployed Pasty

Due to excessive demand in advanced bookings, we’ve run out of ingredients for this pasty. It is no longer unavailable, sorry.

(Locally collected) Birds (Swifts) Nest Soup

Swiftlets make their nest from strands of gummy saliva, which hardens when exposed to air. Once the nests are harvested, they are cleaned and collected by ourselves from the many trees in the Arboretum, where they are prepared and served simmered in our own recipe of squirrel’s broth, with rock sugar, pond water, green onions, lamb stock, Sparrow’s egg whites, ginseng roots, cornstarch, and used McDonalds cooking fat. Served on its own, and very enjoyable with a stick of root liquorice.


Sparrow legs & Imitation Belly Pork slices steamed in local sunflower leaves.

A cheap meal for one. The skilfully dissected toasted legs, are marinated in black bean sauce with suet overnight, and served with a side dish of (Tesco) out of date fried in beef stock imitation belly pork slices, decorated with the delicately prepared blanched spread Sparrows wings.


Boiled Locally gathered Eggs Cocktail

A nice mix of Budgerigar, Mallard duck, Pigeon, Sparrow, Blackbird, and Canary eggs, mixed in a favourite local mixture of pizza, hamburger, and chip patties. With, ketchup, mayonnaise, curry powder, and beef dripping.


Drinks Available:

Cheap Tea (Asda, Morrisons, or Tesco own label) 19p

Best Tea (Yorkshire, Co-op 99, or English Breakfast) 70p

Cheat Tea made with Purified Pond water & lemon 40p

Coffee – Not available

Shoplifted Coke or Cola 50p

Brewed tap water & Red Bull 90p

Health Warning:

When entering the Arboretum, we thought you would like to know that the majority of the muggings take place at the Mansfield Road end entrance, or near the trees. And the last two murders took place at the top end near the fire-bombed destroyed Arboretum Hotel.

2 thoughts on “Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens

  1. I’ve just had a thought. If anyone wishes to offer forth a funny caption for the graphic wot I dun of the cafe at the top, please do.
    Winners will be Certificationalised!

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