Inchcock’s Politicians Dictionary Updated

Dic top

Permission was granted for Inchcock to blog this dictionary to prevent him from sulking, going off and feeding the pigeons and catching Histoplasmosis and getting himself all depressed again

Amarulence: (Bitterness, spite)

How politicians think of the voters.

Aphnology: (The study of wealth)

What Politicians are preoccupied and obsessed with.

Dic0001Back-hander: (A bribe or illegal inducement)

Only the very new, or the two honest MP’s already in Parliament would not know what this means.

Bank: (Depository, Investment firm, trust company, A business establishment in which money is kept for saving or commercial purposes or is invested.)

Where politicians prefer not to store their ill-gotten back-handers and bribes, preferring to use Overseas investment accounts.

Barclay’s Bank:

The company who has 35 paid advisor’s from within the ranks of MPs and their family members. (Like Ffion Hague, William Hague’s wife) amongst our MP’s and their relatives, thus getting rescued financially whenever they need to be – Barclay’s is made up of two ‘Clusters’: Retail and Business Banking, and Corporate and Investment Banking and Wealth Management, each of which has a number of Business Units, and bribes official’s of the Government with ease.)

Bifurcated: (Divided into two branches, paths)

Descriptive of the current Liberal Democrat Party

Bribery: (An illegal or underhand inducement)

Only the very new, or the two honest MP’s in Parliament would not know what this means, or be an active participant in bribery.

Businesses: (Commercial, industrial, or professional dealings)

What Britain used to own and run in the UK.

Chrematomania: (Obsession with money)

A disease that grips MP’s the instant they make their first expense fiddling claim. It is considered one of the essential components of the psyche of anyone applying to become a candidate for election in the UK.

Cimmerian: (Very dark; gloomy)

The future for the UK when the Coalition Government took power, it is even darker now for the proletariat, but the Etonites and rich are doing well.

Dic0001aCommendaces: (Funeral orations, Prayers for the dead)

Emotions and impending activity regarding the Liberal Democrat Party

Compassion: (Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it)

Conservative MP’s need not concern themselves with this word or its interpretation; they’ll never need or understand it. Labour members do use this emotion, although of course they are not genuine feelings. One person backs up  this theory: Tony Blair.

Decency: (Conformity to prevailing standards of propriety or modesty)

Coalition MP’s need not concern themselves with this word either, they’ll never need or understand it.

Deleterious: (Harmful effect, injurious to others)

The effect that Coalition MP’s lies about VAT increases, and cutbacks have on the proletariat. MPs enjoy being deleterious.

Empleomania: (Insatiable urge to hold public office)

A disease that all future MP’s are born with, a more common word for it is Greed.

Europe: (The area of the globe that has three countries in it that Britain has not been to war with, Luxembourg, Switzerland and Morocco. The sixth largest continent, extending west from the Dardanelles, Black Sea, and Ural Mountains. It is technically a vast peninsula of the Eurasian land mass)

Rolls-Royce was bought by Germany’s Volkswagen Group in 1998 as part of a £430million deal.

Expenses:

This does bringeth forth great joy to the nepotistic MP’s and their bank balances – Something spent to attain a goal or accomplish a purpose.

Foreigners: (Persons born in or coming from a country other than one’s own)

MPs like these people, and help them by selling off the UKs assets to them. Here are a few: The UK’s most prestigious marquees, Rolls Royce and Bentley, have been respectively owned by BMW and Volkswagen since 1998. – Ford bought Land Rover while MG Rover was sold first to the Phoenix Consortium for a tenner before being rescued from administration by the Chinese Nanjing Automobile Group in 2005. – Ford had purchased Jaguar in 1990, but sold it along with Land Rover to India’s Tata Motors in 2008. – Last year, a survey conducted by the trade magazine The Grocer and the research firm Nielsen found that of the biggest 180 biggest grocery brands in the UK, just 44 are home-owned. – HP brown sauce was the inspiration of Frederick Gibson Garton, a Nottingham grocer in the late 19th Century. In June 2005 the brand became part of the Heinz empire. Heinz itself was purchased earlier this year by Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway and the Brazilian global investment fund 3G Capital. – Japanese firm Mizkan who, by the way, already owned Sarsons Vinegar and Hayward’s Pickled Onions, purchased Branston Pickle. – Britain’s other large confectioner Rowntree Mackintosh, founded in York in 1862, was bought by the Swiss conglomerate Nestle in 1988. – Scottish & Newcastle Brewery was jointly purchased by Heineken of The Netherlands and Carlsberg of Denmark. – Britain’s biggest bank is HSBC – the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation. – There is nothing more British than Tetley Tea, which is owned by Indian conglomerate Tata. – Selfridges, the Oxford Street department store was purchase by the Canadian Weston family. – British Gas and British Telecom were flogged too, followed by British Airways, British Rail and British Steel. It was a signal that the UK was open for business, and we’ve never looked back. Soon our big companies were also being auctioned to the highest bidders, and that meant that it was often foreigners doing the s-h-o-p-p-i-n-g. ICI, Rolls-Royce and P&O were among the crown jewels that went into overseas hands. The list goes on and on. Now more than 48% of the UK’s listed firms are foreign owned.

But this does not seem to bother the MPs of the UK?

Hamartithia: (Being likely to make a mistake)

A word that the existence of was denied by Margaret Thatcher, then Tony Blair, and every MP since!

Dic0001bHonour: (Personal integrity)

Absolute mystery to MP’s.

Honesty: (Truthfulness, sincerity)

An affliction with some of the proletariat voters, that as yet has not affected politicians at all.

Imperturbation: (Freedom from agitation of mind – calmness – quietude)

Over the years the MPs have cunningly covered their tracks and protected themselves from prosecution for their wrong-doings and lying. So this word is a perfect word to describe the MPs themselves.

Industry: (Refers to the production of an economic good [either material or a service] within an economy)

Manufacturing bases/companies, like we used to have in Britain, car builders, lace manufacturers, shipbuilding, fishing fleets galore, and the likes, now gone! (See Foreigners)

Lying: (Telling fibs)

Without doubt ever increasing proliferations as this word is used more and more, it is rampant throughout our MPs and Government ministers, mind you, they do it as well if not better than many other countries representatives.

Dic0001gMorals: (Personal or cultural values, codes of conduct)

The decline of this words meaning has been falling for a couple of years now – not in Parliament of course, it’s been missing and ignored in there for many more donkey’s years!

Mumpsimus: (A view stubbornly held even when proven to be wrong)

This word was created at the conception of Members of Parliament, and has been present in every Minister of the Governments since!

Nepotism: (Favouritism granted to relatives or friends regardless of merit)

A natural instinct inbred into politicians over the years.

Nonentity: (A person regarded as being of no importance or significance)

An unemployed voter, a member of the proletariat, an NHS patient, an elderly mugged person.

Occulcation: (Act of treading on or trampling underfoot)

A treatment so enjoyed being dished out to the uneducated masses from MP’s

Offshore Accounts:

An essential requirement for all MP’s, even those two who are not on the fiddle. (An investment/ savings bank located outside the country of residence of the depositor, typically in a low tax jurisdiction or tax haven] that provides financial and legal advantages. These advantages typically include: Greater privacy, Bank secrecy, low or no taxation [i.e. tax havens] easy access to deposits (at least in terms of regulation), protection against local political or financial instability.

For further guidance please contact William Hague, David Cameron, Tony Blair, George (‘orrible) Osborne, Gordon Brown, or any of the other fiddling gits!)

Parliament: (A legislature)

A place where MP’s can get up to £500 an hour for attending, subsidised meals, ask questions for money, fiddle their expenses, get their heads down, and vote to give themselves more money.

Personal Assistant: (A well paid slave)

MP’s can have as many of these as they like, and claim for them on expenses. MP’s with a slightly different taste in assistants like Willie Hague and his entourage of male helpers, Lucien, Damien, Tarquin, and Nigella, often utilised the Grand hotel bedroom for consultations, advice, and foible comparisons with them. I’ll miss Hague’s affairs.

DicMickCamPugnacious: (Argumentative)

MPs will argue black is blue with the most placid of people.

Quiescent: (Inactive or still, dormant)

The hopes of the Liberal Democrat Party

Slubberdegullion: (An unemployed person – Riffraff, a slobbering foul individual, a worthless sloven, a pigpen, a jeeter, a tramp, an uncouth slob)

Any MP.

Tatterdemalion: (Anyone who earns less than £50,000 a year – Someone who lives in the gutter and whose only function on this planet is to serve as a warning to others)

Impecunious voters.

Tyrannicide: (Killing of a tyrant)

A wish that many hope will happen to Coalition Ministers.

Dic0001Venality: (The condition of being susceptible to bribery or corruption, the use of a position of trust for dishonest gain)

An unavoidable and untreatable foible of Government Ministers and MP’s.

Voter: (One who casts a vote for or against something)

In the view of the politicians: An idiot.

Inchcock Gets Letter of Support from the Hospital

GC corner3jpegI received a wonderful letter of support today, from me hospital physiatrist bloke.

Here it is:

Dear Mr Inchcock,

Some well intended advice for you here from my team at the Queen’s Medical Centre Sir.

Please check before leaving home to come to the hospital:

Hosp04aHave you taken your morning medications, and applied the creams and antiseptics?

Are you wearing your outdoor clothing and not your pyjamas and or slippers?

Have you got your glasses on, and reading glasses with you?

Your bus-pass, hearing aids in and, mobile phone with you?

Have you your Medical declaration card in the event of an emergency?

Your medications pen, crossword and current reading book?

Have you applied the prescribed medicinal creams to your hands, knees and lower regions?

Can you remember where you’re supposed to be going and why?

Have you forgotten any other appointments for today that you might have made earlier with your GP, chemist, Audio clinic, Housing benefits office, Haematology dep’t etc?

If you are walking to the QMC today, please take you umbrella with you. If going by public transport, as we reminded you earlier, please take you bus-pass with you, and remember to check if it is out of date first.

Can you remember the number of the buses and where they go that you are going to use today?

Try not to fall asleep on the bus again.

Do try to keep an eye out for Mobility Scooters Mr Inchcock, as you are currently costing the NHS a lot of money in being treated medically after your recent incidents of your being ran into and knocked over by them.

It has been brought to my notice from various department heads that you keep wandering off during treatment, and getting yourself lost.

The QMC is a very large place, and finding you at times can be a bit of a problem (Repeatedly for us).

Having called a meeting to try and solve this issue. Many ideas were put forward and suggested.

* Inserting a bleeper in your body, is still being discussed – with you being deaf, we realise we would need an extra loud one, and that might scare other patients who are in the locality you have absconded and found yourself in.

* We considered giving you a Satellite navigation system of the QMC, but the cost Hosp03was too prohibitive.

* Handcuffing you seemed a little harsh, although the concept has been put on a back burner in the event of any other agreed plan failing.

* Those who suffer most, the Haematology INR testing team, who have to cope with you at least once a week suggested: That we purchase a hat, with a flashing light and sign around your neck saying “Please return this patient to the Hosp04Blood Taking Room ASAP” This notion found some merit with the others. They added that blinkers on you might help you not to lose your concentration and wander off looking at anything that sparkles. The Rheumatology Team added to the suggestion, that perhaps we could leave a section of the sign blank then, whichever department is currently dealing with you at the time, could write their department in the space. This idea, I could see, was getting a great deal of acceptance to all at the meeting.

Hosp02sign* The Maintenance crew at the meeting (Those who have to clean and clear up after your little escapades, collisions with Mobility Scooters, getting lost and going in the wrong departments, going into wards and climbing into bed with other patients and eating their food etc) then came up with the best idea yet, and the one which we have adopted for you.

They said they would build a sign especially for you, and erect it at the north entrance (That you use when you get off the bus) of the hospital. We set about deciding to put only the essential and Juan Inchcock applicable details on the sign.

Please find a graphic of the sign below, that is to be ready and on show within two day, well before your next arranged appointment.

We all would appreciate it if you would take the effort to read and digest the information we have provided on it.

The nurses at the Haematology Department have asked me to mention to you, could you please avoid eating any brussel sprouts, curries, baked beans, broccoli, onions or prunes before your appointment please.

HospbottomYours

Dr Vladimir Goebbels

Queens Medical Centre

Venerable Mature Psychiatric Patients Support Group.

Inchcock Diary 01

HeaderMaster

Friday 29th August 2014

18 8 01Late night for me last night – didn’t wake up until 0630hrs, feeling groggy and shaky.

Had a good rinse, dried off and sprayed my manlyless flabby body with Fly-spray by mistake for Antiperspirant.

This is not the first time that I have done something like this… proof I suppose, that an Inchock never learns!

More worry followed: The laptop took a good 12 minutes to load from booting… oh dear; soon I may disappear from the ether I fear.

Angina bad today, bad as it’s ever been really.

This totally knocks me concentration off course, and I decided it was best not to go out today. Then I changed me mind.

I had a walk/limp into Sherwood and took some stuff to the Nottingham Hospice charity shop.

Called in Wilko and got a 4litre weedkiller. How I was stupid enough to buy it then, knowing I’d have to carry it around with me on me walk I don’t know – but I regretted it later.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACaught the bus into town. Then caught but out to Lidl on Ilkeston Road, to see if they had any of the onions in that me Sister Jane wanted, and Lidl in Carrington had ran out of. But no.

Foolishly, I decided to walk all the way home. (Brave Fool!)

Got to where the Aldi shop was, and 19 8 001acalled in to see if they had the onions in. No.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI noticed how many folk walk along the centre of the roads nowadays, and cyclist ride on the pavements?

Hobbled on (Feet and knees bad now – Tut!) and called in Asian supermarket for a look around. Got some bits, just to add to the weight I was already struggling to carry in me bags like. (Twit!)

Last stretch into Carrington was agony – everything seemed to start then. Angina off again, knees and feet painful, piles performing, stomach ulcer even joined in giving me gip then. (Tsk!)

Got in and collapsed metaphorically speaking.

Saturday 30th August 2014

Up at 0500hrs – knackered and in pain again.

Had to sort out me Inch that had been bleeding in the night.

Not happy at all, depression crept in a bit. (Tut)

Did nowt but feel sorry fer missen, getting me blogs ready, reading me book, watching DVD, and visiting the WC.

Sunday 31st August 2014

Hell of a job to get up this morning, the back wasn’t too interested in letting me. Had to sort bleeding out agen. (Tsk!)

Feeling so low once more.

13 8 medsManaged to get up, and realised then that I’d missed me evening medications when I found the full pot… what a clot! (The poetry comes free folks – hehehe)

By the time I’d got the laptop going, a cuppa and me porridge ready, the angina returned and was giving me some gip too. I even had a dizzy spell, but that might be due to me missing last night’s meds?

18 8 01aStruggling to get me posts formulated, making silly errors, hope I can spot em before posting.

Tired today.

* Sorry this ain’t as funny as usual folks, when I feel a bit better, I’ll be back to form. TTFN

My mate big John rang, to see if I wanted to go to the Steaming display at Wollaton today. “Yes please” I responded. “Be ready for one o’clock he says.

BJ and his better half picked me up at 1400hrs, and off we drove to the Steaming Fair.

It were grand there, I really enjoyed it speaking to real people with a similar interest in steam and old transport.

Bought a book of old trolleybus’s while I was there, I love em.

They ran me back to the hovel, I thanked them and reminded BJ to bring his memory stick to the launderette Tuesday, so I could put piccies onto it. Off they went.

Gloom returned.