Here it is:
Dear Mr Inchcock,
Some well intended advice for you here from my team at the Queen’s Medical Centre Sir.
Please check before leaving home to come to the hospital:
Are you wearing your outdoor clothing and not your pyjamas and or slippers?
Have you got your glasses on, and reading glasses with you?
Your bus-pass, hearing aids in and, mobile phone with you?
Have you your Medical declaration card in the event of an emergency?
Your medications pen, crossword and current reading book?
Have you applied the prescribed medicinal creams to your hands, knees and lower regions?
Can you remember where you’re supposed to be going and why?
Have you forgotten any other appointments for today that you might have made earlier with your GP, chemist, Audio clinic, Housing benefits office, Haematology dep’t etc?
If you are walking to the QMC today, please take you umbrella with you. If going by public transport, as we reminded you earlier, please take you bus-pass with you, and remember to check if it is out of date first.
Can you remember the number of the buses and where they go that you are going to use today?
Try not to fall asleep on the bus again.
Do try to keep an eye out for Mobility Scooters Mr Inchcock, as you are currently costing the NHS a lot of money in being treated medically after your recent incidents of your being ran into and knocked over by them.
It has been brought to my notice from various department heads that you keep wandering off during treatment, and getting yourself lost.
The QMC is a very large place, and finding you at times can be a bit of a problem (Repeatedly for us).
Having called a meeting to try and solve this issue. Many ideas were put forward and suggested.
* Inserting a bleeper in your body, is still being discussed – with you being deaf, we realise we would need an extra loud one, and that might scare other patients who are in the locality you have absconded and found yourself in.
* Handcuffing you seemed a little harsh, although the concept has been put on a back burner in the event of any other agreed plan failing.
* Those who suffer most, the Haematology INR testing team, who have to cope with you at least once a week suggested: That we purchase a hat, with a flashing light and sign around your neck saying “Please return this patient to the Blood Taking Room ASAP” This notion found some merit with the others. They added that blinkers on you might help you not to lose your concentration and wander off looking at anything that sparkles. The Rheumatology Team added to the suggestion, that perhaps we could leave a section of the sign blank then, whichever department is currently dealing with you at the time, could write their department in the space. This idea, I could see, was getting a great deal of acceptance to all at the meeting.
* The Maintenance crew at the meeting (Those who have to clean and clear up after your little escapades, collisions with Mobility Scooters, getting lost and going in the wrong departments, going into wards and climbing into bed with other patients and eating their food etc) then came up with the best idea yet, and the one which we have adopted for you.
They said they would build a sign especially for you, and erect it at the north entrance (That you use when you get off the bus) of the hospital. We set about deciding to put only the essential and Juan Inchcock applicable details on the sign.
Please find a graphic of the sign below, that is to be ready and on show within two day, well before your next arranged appointment.
We all would appreciate it if you would take the effort to read and digest the information we have provided on it.
The nurses at the Haematology Department have asked me to mention to you, could you please avoid eating any brussel sprouts, curries, baked beans, broccoli, onions or prunes before your appointment please.
Dr Vladimir Goebbels
Queens Medical Centre
Venerable Mature Psychiatric Patients Support Group.