Inchcock Today: Fri 12th Sept 2014

WF1

Woke up several times as usual during the night. A very active Arthur Itis in me left knee still visiting and a new tummy ache – but more concerning at the moment, Montezuma’s revenge (diarrhoea) each time I woke up I utilised the porcelain pot!

As I write this, I’ve been up about half an hour, laptop on, made cuppa and took me morning medications and I’ve been back up to the WC twice already. No make that three times… back in a bit…

 I was only just in time. Oh dear, that was unpleasant.

Looked at some blogs, checked emails. Then worked on creating graphics for me next post – However, for some reason when I tried to export me art to jpeg, it would only export as monochrome!!! Confused, I searched the web for help, but could find none applicable to me problem?

Whether it was Coreldraw or the laptop causing the error I don’t know.

Frustrated, I finished using mono smudges and gave up.

Took the rubbish out to the bins.

I had to call BT, about my free upgrade as advertised in their letter to me, as the link address given in the letter did not work, and I had to use the mobile (Cause the BT land-line is crap, I can’t hear anything cause of the noise in the background) and the foreign sounding gentleman’s voice from gawd knows where didn’t help. After (I hope) refusing his offer of my buying a new phone, and an upgrade to Super-Infinity web connection, I pointed out that the letter in my hand from BT said: “Your Free upgrade to BT Infinity is ready and waiting for you to claim. Superfast broadband for the same pice as your paying now! It’s easy and completely Free!”

He pointed out that the costs all round were going up in two weeks. Would I like a TV compatible whatever it was he said. “No, I do not have a TV set.” That shook him, he went silent for a few a seconds.

So it transpired that I can expect my new modem to be delivered on Friday 19th between 0700hrs and 1800hrs. I asked at this point if it is easy to set up, or have I got ot contact someone and the line went dead! 

Got a wash up, and went on a walk to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop with some stuff.

Stopped off at continental shop and got some bread and boscek.

Then after dropping off me stuff at Hospice place, I called at a computer shop in Sherwood and asked them if they could supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if so – they could not.

I crossed the road and tried at another computer shop, “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

I caught the bus into town, and called at the first computer on Mansfield Road, asking them “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Went a few shops up to the other computer shop “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Went to computer shop on Upper Parliament Street, “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Frustrated beyond tolerance I walked to PC World and asked the same question there: they could not.

Really down now.

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit, bitter, twisted, annoyed and pissed-off!

Tried again to sort out what the problem really is using internet Coreldraw-help-pages (Thanks Mike) but no luck at all.

A bitter old man tonight – but hey-ho, monochrome will have to do for the foreseeable future for Inchy. (SHIT!)

Hah!, and double Hah! Me radio’s stopped working now!

1600hrs: I tried removing Coreldraw9 and reinstalling it – oh dear, here I go…

1720hrs: No such luck, still not working properly!

Huh!

Now the yobs are lurking again! Am I pee’d off!

New Super-hero film to be produced in Nottingham

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A small Nottingham budget film company, 4Ms (Mike’s Majestic Monochrome Machinations Inc.) has acquired pro tem financial backing from Walt Disney Euro, to go ahead with its brand new super-hero film series.

01001eAs I approached the companies new main studio, I was greeted my one of the owners a Clivey-boy, along with a rather gorgeous young lady at his side (He appeared to be involved in fund raising for the film I assumed), and was pointed in the direction I needed to go to find Mike, the majority shareholder in the company.

0101cAs I approached the companies new main studio, I was greeted my one of the owners a Clivey-boy, along with a rather gorgeous young lady at his side (He appeared to be involved in fund raising for the film I assumed), and was pointed in the direction I needed to go to find Mike, the majority shareholder in the company.

Mike was in the process of interviewing a little known actress called Letitia Prodworthy for the lead female part in the film.

Actors considered for the starring role were:

0101b

Majority shareholder of the company, Mike explained the idea and plans for the series to the Aged Arthritics Association Entertainment reporter C. Verilittal; “We had noted that there are currently no really ugly, disabled, or elderly super-hero’s making films nowadays. In the old days we had Ernest Borgnine in films, and the 01001flikes of Cannon, and Kojak on the Television”.

Incock came into the shed/studio, and disappeared into the WC.

Mike coughed then continued; I believe we have come up with a character that can fill all of those traits, with our new 68-year-old virgin actor Juan Inchcock. He is keen to learn, and likes the idea of becoming well known and people talking to him.

We offered him £15,000 a film to start with, but he thought that would be too much for a novice like himself, and demanded we pay him £50 a film, but wanted free cups of tea, time off to feed the ducks, private medical cover and £10,000 for the Nottingham Hospice. So we readily agreed.

After hearing the list, I had to agree that Inchcock has all the natural attributes that can be used in the films, originality, ugly looks and he comes so cheaply too.

The immediate advantages of our using Inchcock in the role are:

Inchcock: This will be presented as a novelty, and never has a smaller novelty been revealed on film!

Impetigo: His Impetigo can be used as a slow motion weapon, as he passes it on through touch to the villains!

Hearing Aids: These can be used as radio transmitters, oral sat-nav, or radio receivers. There is great scope for many uses, never before used in movies!

Spectacles: Never have cracked NHS plastic-framed thick lensed spectacles been used by a super-hero in films before, another first for our company!

Arthritis: This will ensure a perfectly balanced and genuine limp is caught on film, and the screams of agony on bad days will be genuine! And how many stars of the past do we see dropping things unexpectedly as their fingers/hands freeze up? Inchcock will be so original in the part.

Colostomy Bag: Never knowingly been worn before by any super-hero in films, yet another first?

Medications: Never has a super-hero been filmed having to stop to take his medications throughout the production, a first for us once more!

Pot Belly: We anticipate this being used in the combat scenes, like a miniature Big Daddy would have used his.

Bald Head: The perfect example, naturally shiny, it can be used in the sunny scenes to blind his opponents with the sun’s reflection. There has been a few bald super-hero’s with a bald head, Kojak, Yul Brynner etc. But never one with such a misshaped head as Inchy’s!

Inchy’s stutter: He’s apparently had a stutter when he talks to members of the opposite sex since the age of nine, when he was caught in the girls shower and certain comments were made about his appendage, that brought on his phobia. As far as we know, there are no other lead actors with a stutter in the industry, another first for Mike’s Majestic Monochrome Machinations Inc.

Bow Legs: Apart from cowboy hero’s, bowed legs have not been used in super-hero films before!

Few Teeth remaining: This will make it so easy for us to use false teeth getting knocked out on set! Saving money again!

Ready-made Scars: Perfect for simulating injuries obtained in his fight for justice in the films. His cardiac surgery scars, groin scars from Hernia and cancer operations, leg/groin scars from Prostate surgery, stomach wounds from Duodenal Ulcer procedure, a multitude of head scars and dents to make use of, crushed toes scar, left two arm scars, three right arm scars, one left leg scar, left knee operation scar, right knee wound scar, two left hand scars, one right hand scar, four facial scars, and his misshaped in the boxing ring broken nose, will all be of immense value to us, and save a fortune on special effects.

0101dWe caught up later in the day with 4Ms Mike, as he was working on the script at home. He said: “It is hoped, that the Nottingham production of the as yet untitled super-hero series, will begin in March 2015, as soon as the £25.00 financial backing from Walt Disney is confirmed. I’m sure the film industry and its fans are getting very excited about this new concept. I just hope Inchy doesn’t kick the bucket before he can get a chance of success and fame, and for us to make a mint from his singular qualities as a cheap pillock.”

The theme to be used, is that of an 80 year old ex gas lamp wick trimmer from Nottingham, comes out of retirement, only to find the street gas lamps are no longer being used. This annoys him so very much; he sets about finding a source of cheap gas, and reinstalling the Gas Lamps to Nottingham’s streets.

Late Extra:

Unfortunately last night, Inchcock was making some baked beans on toast, and he fell asleep. The pan caught fire, and the studio/shed was destroyed.

We tried to talk with Mike, but he was not available in Nottingham, or his Monaco Villa for an interview.

Inchcock was rushed to the A&E at the Queens Medical Centre, where nervous twitching staff greeted him like a long lost Granddad.