Inchcock Loses the plot in this ode to Old Nottingham Memories
But he does his bestest, honest!
Nottingham has many virtues, good, bad and chronic…
Its history, of being Saxonic,
It’s people grand, pleb’s, murderers, some moronic,
Nowadays, we’ve bred more that are demonic…
Muggers, gangsters, shop lifter, a lot, schizophrenic…
A few have car insurance, and not many have a driving licence…
Younger Nottinghamians music is cacophonic…
Thousands of students, so some scientific…
We’ve had many arrested for being terroristic.
Many of them you’d think were telluric,
The job-shy, call having a cold being sick!
Many old uns like me, who remember Sputnik…
Using lard to make their spotted dick!
We’re snided out with those sarcastic…
Even more of them are vandalistic!
Gone are the days of the workaholic…
But also gone, getting polio, scabies and colic!
Hopes for our citizenry? Like a trip on the Titanic!
The tin bath dragged inside from the wall, metallic…
No bath salts, we made do with soap, carbolic!
Hot water, Ha! Boil it on the stove or fire; unhygienic!
The toilet outside at the end of the yard is unproblematic!
Mind you, in winter, I was a smidgeon unenthusiastic…
Coal-house out there, fetching wood could be traumatic,
In the dark, you could kill a rat or cat hidden – tragic!
But lazing in front of the coal fire was magic!
Until the burning ashes shot out, and the carpet got lit!
Anything to be written was in pencil or pen and ink!
We knew nowt about an uplink, hard-drive or weblink,
Mobile, cell phone, wristwatch, dentist or permalink,?
Our pleasures limited, Monopoly, maybe tiddlywink…
Swearing was minimal then, ratfink, burke or gink!
Getting the belt for devilry made us wince and squint!
I got a few lashes once, a day out…for not looking perjink!
I recall once, the lads writing on my leg splint…
Not a lot of it was spelt right; they put sinnt for sent…
But thickness and ignorance permeated wherever I went!
I tried to join a club once, ended up getting a blackballing!
My education, manners, and appearance were appalling!
My approach to girls, looking back… was bloodcurdling!
9 times out of 10, her admirers would end up brawling!
With me, the littlest, the one that kept falling & failing!
On this embarrassing subject, I’ll stop burbling!
Amongst the unknown to us was Methamphetamine,
Mind you, we’d a neighbour who’d supply whisky and gin…
I got IPA, Mackeson, Guinness, thus started drinking…
My intake, for many years, there was no curtailing…
But my love of beer was never really disabling,
Until cancer arrived, there was only one way of controlling…
I singularly went from a happy drinker to totally abstaining!
It was hard, so hard to do, I still find it appealing…
But without any help, encouragement or counselling,
I turned tea-total… smug-mode developing!
I became a keen lover of food and masticator,
My weight ballooned, and furthermore…
Got myself a duodenal ulcer…
Cancer of the bladder…
Then diabetes and nasty hernia…
Peripheral neuropathy, oh, bother!
A stroke, which left me a confused procrastinator…
Disabled, what next? Cataracts, Saccades and Glaucoma!
I was already going deaf, then bother with an incisor!
And to think, I used to be a blood-doner..,
Also, now, I do tend to stutter…
Still struggle with the wee-weeing bother,
Then I was confirmed to have Vascular Dementia…
This life has been terrible… yet also an adventure!
Oh, and the back’s developing a curvature…
I think its best to try and stay demure,
About there is no chance of a cure,
The failing eyesight is worrying me more…
Did I deserve all these ailments? That’s up for conjecture,
Is that the right word? I’ll check… Yes, no error!
Things seemed better in the days of yore, thereinbefore,
The Carers’ cost a lot, that’s for sure…
A little good luck, I could do with some more?
Dementia Doreen’s in control, I’m sure, that I can assure…
Yet at times, she rests, releases the memory-core…
If she returns and comes back to the fore,
She’s my ever-present concentration annihilator!
Sorry, I see my starting thoughts got juxtaposed…
Did my thought waves get overdiagnosed?
Is Dementia Doreen no longer comatose,
Or my incredulous logic, become indisposed?
Have I been overeating glucose,
I’ve just eaten a banana, and I’m adipose!
Would it be alright to have Marmite on toast?
The plot’s gone again – what a terrible host!.
Inchcock’s Abysmal Odeing – For Fun
Just asking, like… Not that it bothers me!
I got my head down late, and I fought to nod off until gone midnight. At least I only shot awake twice, well, three times, but I decided to get up then, at 4:30hrs. I was persuaded by Little Inchie, who required a wee-wee. Hehe!
The significant bit about this is how refreshed I felt! Less than four hours sleep, but it felt like I’d had ten or more? Grrreat! I think the Hemp capsules are helping me sleep a bit better now?
Shuddering Shoulder Shirley was getting a little rough at times; these episodes continued all day, though never for any lasting time, a minute to perhaps five.
Ah, things did get a bit fraught in the teggie-cleaning and shaving departments! I caught the broken tooth, and a bit more came off, and I vampires some of the blood. Hehe! Then, I managed to nick my right ear lobe with a razor, and boy did that bleed too! The tiniest cut imaginable too? I had to use a lot of kitchen towels to soak it up with. And a lot of the Brute aftershave.
My new Chinese (Hong Kong) was made by Shenzhen Relee Electronic & Technology Co. Ltd™, contactless thermometer came up with a body temperature of 33.7°c, which is really low. Tried again with the ear-thermometer. That was better, 34.3°c. The Blood Pressure had gone down nicely to 147/68. The Pulse was 86bpm. Perfick!
A skunk and a clatter from aloof, sniffy attituded Herbert’s apartment above.
Carer Richard rang the ♫ Oh, Susana ♫ chime and came in. I was in the kitchen, suffering from a longish and violent attack from Shuddering-Shoulder-Shirley. I was struggling to stir the tea safely. Good old Richard did it for me. He’s never been here when I was having an SSS session; it fritted him a little at first. He’s a caring Carer. Got the prescriptions taken, had a little natter, and even raised a laugh. Off he trotted after selecting some treats.
I went to make another brew, Thompsons Punjana, this time. By, gum, the sky looked like it was getting darker again? I took a snap from the kitchenette window of the front car park, Chestnut Walk.
I waited a while, hoping some birds might fly by, but they didn’t. 
Had a wee-wee, washed, made a mug of Thompsons Punjana, and made my way out into the balcony. To take a photograph of the end car park.
amazingly calm, so I tried to make the best of this… but I was only causing more errors by trying to rush. Then: 
I came across the picture I thought I’d lost, of last nights’ nosh. Some idiot put it in the wrong folder, TSk! 
Checked the beef chunks in the crock-pot. These are Icelands “Extra Lean” beef chunks, by the way. Just look at the fat floating freeing around! Eurgh! I sieved some off of the mixture, and I added some gravy browning and black bean sauce… fingers-crossed for tonights’ nosh! Looks horrible?
Going to have to rest a bit now. An unfortunate visit from Dizzy Dennis forces this. Made a mug of Glengettie and ate a rather delightful mini-marshmallow, which tasted so good! I s
I nodded off, quickly, and a few minutes later, shot-awake, clambered free of the £300 recond-hand recliner, and off for Porcelain Throne visit number three of the day! Giving myself en route, the first good hefty toe-stubbing of the day! Argh! Ahem! I never flinched… or swore at all.
♬ Oh, Susana ♬ chimed out again. It was Phlebotomy nurse Hristina! I immediately cheered up. And girded parts of my loins that had not been fortified since the last time she came! Hahaha! I know; I remember needing the tablets.
Minutes later, ♬ Oh, Susana ♬ chimed out again. Once more, my heart rate increased… for it was desirable Carer Elena, come to do the medications. We had another natter and laughed. thanked her, offering her choice of nibbles and drinkies, she is always reluctant to take any, but I forced her I thin in the end. ♥ She departed, taking the waste bags with her for me to the chute. 🧡
Got the nosh sorted and served up. A bit better this time. The beef chunks that had been heating in the slow-cooker for seven hours or so tasted better cause of the BBQ and chilli seasonings. The black, yellow and red tomatoes were tasty. The fresh garden peas were terrific! The cheese and bean pastie went down well. Rating: 8.2/10. 
A g
I got the medical checks sorted straight away. The body temperature was still too low. But what should I do? It might be the machine? They tell me to ring 999 if it is below 45°c? But it’s not far off this time.
There was no hassle about the Blood Pressure, though, all looking pretty good, with SIA 152. DIA 74. and Pulse at 80. This seemed fair to me. Glad the BP machine was working after my dropping it yesterday.
Into the kitchenette to put the kettle on, and I trod on something small and challenging – I guessed right, it was an escaped garden pea gone rock hard. Hehe! Made me jump a bit! I also found a tablet?
The intercom rang at 06:30hrs, and the Ocado driver brought the bags up to the flat. Nice chap.
Sorted out what’s what and where they are to go. The frozen Heinz Beanz Burgers went in the freezer, along with the battered cod bites and fishcakes with mushy peas in them. Natoora black tomatoes, 
yellow tomatoes, steak pie into the fridge, with some difficulty… Cartilage Cathy was in a right rotten mood with me when I bent to get the bottom tray filled. Cor, blimey, was she! But the bending to pick up the peas and pill might have contributed to Cartilage Cathy’s annoyance. Hehe!
Then I moved on to the third or fourth bag. The black box held 12 mini-pots of M&S fruit and jelly. Which I read when ordering to be strawberry flavoured. They had actual fruit in the jelly, but one of them was the forbidden for me pineapples. On a closer look, they also had seeds in them, which will most likely cause me a toothache. They’ll have to go! I know how to live! I made a bottle of spring water up with some of the lemon and lime cordial for later.
I got some fresh garden peas and lemon and lime yoghourts too. Two favourites there!
Just after getting them stored away and returning to the computer, Everything went wrong computer-wise. The icons had shrunk, the screen had gone darker, and Norton came up[ with things that needed attention. Crapwranglers! It was all too much for me, and I ended up changing things, uncertain if I was doing right or wrong. After changing things, it was far worse. I could have cried!
I stopped making changes too late and could not work out how to correct things. I went for a break and made a brew of Glengettie, taking this photograph of the morning view, in which I caught some crows on their way to a tree-
top murder in the park. 
Doing the updating of the blog for yesterday and got deeper into a mess of confusion with the computer for an hour or so, and the ♫ Oh, Susana ♫ tune rang out.
I managed to encourage the picture ap to recognise the photo of the end car park at last. I took it this morning around 08:00hrs or thereabouts. Only just got it on the computer. I’m having all sorts of problems with it now – a case of last legs, methinks? (Me too, Haha!)
05;10hrs: A bit of clunking from the flat above. I made my way to get the clothes and off into the wet room.
I was wrapping the tubing around the casing to replace the sphygmomanometer, and Peripheral Neuropathy Pete gave me a little jerking session. The BP machine ended up 
hitting the radiator and under the desk on the floor. I got the precious picker-upperer and retrieved it. 
A more significant concern then – the body temperature was showing as 33.7°c! Well below the minimum of 35. I tried the ear thermometer, which showed up as ‘Low’. Is it me doing it wrong, machine kaputt? I just don’t know!
Not one of my better efforts, for more than one reason. Here they are: I made far too much
As I was sulking and taking the things into the kitchen to be washed, the sunset was beautiful! 
The top shot I took from the door as I reentered the kitchenette.
So peaceful and serene. I had to force myself to come away… although I did have some encouragement by needing yet another wee-wee. And I’d not been drinking much tea! Bootiful!
You’ll notice my cock-up here, I suppose? Well, I nodded off for a few seconds and it moved onto National news… Tsk!
Ah, Nottingham will get it now, if this forecast is right, we’re smack in the middle of the blue!.
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02:30hrs: I woke and rose this morning, with a terrible foreboding of what is to follow today. Nothing specific, but my EQ warned me that things would not go well. That was all I needed as if I wasn’t low enough to start with!
No-go! I’ve got the meal from last night and some photos I took of the BBC Midland News on the card to use on a snippets blog. I didn’t take any other pictures in anticipation of my luck remaining at the usual level of atrocious.
04:10hrs, I heard some clattering from the flat above, not a lot, and not too bad. 
Upon my way to the wet room with the day clothes, I discovered the reason behind one of the many noises this Monday morning. As I passed by the airing cupboard and tank room, without my hearing aids in, I heard a noise of water running into the tank occasionally; this is accompanied by a comical gurgling sound? I took the camera in with me out of habit, so I took some photos after the session. Hope they can be uploaded with time… He says without much confidence… 
What a near-perfect evacuation that ever was! A smooth flow that needed little effort from me. Not phooey! Not runny, not messy. There was a tiny few bits of blood, but the dark red indicated they were from Harold’s Haemorrhoids, so nowt to worry about there! I moved on to readying the shaving tackle things.
All went well
not so bad
During this procedure, I needed three wee-wees! Sod-it, off again! I hope things calm down soon!
Sphygmomanometerisationing, at last, showed a lower SIA reading on the Blood pressure. Nice! As was the DIA and Pulse results. Then I got the body temperature 
taken. That was a smidge higher for once, close to the red-line minimum of 35°c. But not quite there yet, but it’s good to have near enough not to ring anyone as I have been instructed to.
An hour or so struggling with the slow computer, in getting some photos on at last to use. The intercom lit up and buzzed; it was the Iceland delivery arriving. The chap looked soaking-sodden wet, poor thing when he got to the door. 
He put the bags through to the doorway into the hall for me, only four today, missing items, I bet. Or, mayhaps I curtailed the demands 
this time? (Only 1 item had to be substituted, and two not available) 
I’d ordered the wrong potatoes, I noticed. 
I got a packet of the beef chunks in the slow-cooker. They should be ready for tonight’s nosh. I added some BBQ beef gravy seasoning to the slow-cooker pan and a drop of the liquid smoke – a spur of the moment decision… Mmm… 
Hehehe! I didn’t half-clout my shoulder on the door frame! I felt such a fool! But there was nobody around to hear the slightly unavuncular language that I muttered. I’d done an excellent job on the shoulder; I got inside and took an extra Codeine and back on the computer blogging.
Made some nosh. A decent effort methought, but the flavour did not match the viewing. Taste rating: 7/10. The late dated J Sainsbury’s podded peas let it all down, and I do love them usually, but not these out of date ones.
04:45hrs – 05:10hrs – and 11 further times: Herbert started with tap-tapping with the odd metal sounding thuds thrown in. 
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A sudden need to photograph, at that moment, so I went hobblingly back to collect the Canon camera: 
Care Taina arrived. I mentioned the poor state of the laundry, keeping things as light-hearted as I could; the nice gal didn’t want her to think I was blaming her for the crumpled unfolded clothes.
I tempted my Carer, her to her choice of nibbles and drink in thanks. She took the waste bag with her on the way out. 
UNBELIEVABLE!
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I’d had a better nights sleep, six hours with only three jump-awakes. Mind you, it was still early, but the meandering mind had me out of the recliner, catching my balance, no wee-weeing, no making a brew of Glengettie; 
straight (well, in a wobbly line) to the kitchenette, and started cleaning the fridge?
Or had I? How do I know that I did it at all? How can I not remember doing it all? Why can I recall taking out the door trays and washing them in the sink, quite clearly, but little else until the wet rag fell on my foot? Another Blank-Spell methinks… or do I? Why am I seemingly so willing to share and relate these rather odd things on the web? Dementia-Doreen again? Or mayhaps a call for help.
♫ Oh, Susana’s ♫ tune rang out. In came Carer Cassie. Now, this may be hard for you to understand, but I had to ask her her name again this morning. The gal took it all in her stride, so I assume many others in these flats are affected by the dreaded Vascular-Dementia-Doreen, and cannot remember the Carers names the same as me? Hehehe! Cassie soon got the medicationings done, collected the laundry bag, and off she trotted, with a thank you nibble and drinkie-poo.
Storm Warning: Will reach Nottingham this afternoon, ETA 15:00hrs. Parks are closing cause of the danger of trees etc., being blown over. Building structural damage, roofs, etc. at high risk, possibly endangering life. And that’s just for Nottingham, where they anticipate we will be far less affected? All calm but cols out 
there at the moment, though.
I dried off medicated what needed attention. The legs seem to be putting on some weight, higher up? Not surprising, really, I can’t get out and about much nowadays. Spit!
is confused; the body refuses to feel pain… I hope I’ve not died and nobody has told me? Hahaha!
scabbing up well.
and lens were not damaged (I hope). Not that the glasses are worth much now the Cataracts Katie, Glaucoma Gloria, and Saccades Sandra are all affecting my sight.
The Blood Pressure readings were okay. The temperature was even lower today, I tried it again later, and it was up to 24.5°c. So okay there now.
Back on the blogging, and Sister Jane rang on the landline. She was very concerned and worried… Oh, yes! She wanted to know if I’d still got the bottles of wine for her and Pete safely stored away… Hehehe!
The brain failed to fully engage! For I somehow found myself in the spare room sorting out the bag for Independent Living Coordinator, Warden, and desk-top dancer, Obersturmbannfuhreress Deana. Wondering why I’d done this before having a wee-wee or even putting the kettle on to make a brew of tea confused me. (Doreen?)
I had a wee-wee and checked on Little Inches fungal lesion (itching a bit). But it was not bleeding, I just cleaned things up and applied some teeth-grindingly painful ointment to the affected area. Argh!
mentally crippling at times today. So annoyingly so, as well.
The SYS was not too bad. Pulse at 90, up a bit.
Humph! I did drop the darned BP machine as I was putting it away! Tried it out again, nervous of it being 
buggered, but it worked okay. Used the Chinese (Hong Kong) made by Shenzhen Relee Electronic & Technology Co. Ltd™, contactless thermometer. The surface temperature read as 34.5°c. A bit higher this time. Good!
05:45hrs: As I got up to go for a wee-wee, right-loud clunking noises came from the flat above! I think Herbert must have had an Accifauxpa of his own. Didn’t bother me, mind; I was up anyway. I don’t think it was loud enough to be heard by anyone else who might have been trying to sleep. Not that the sanctified, consecrated, uncommunicative, ascetic, aloof, sniffy Herbert would be bothered.
Around 06:00hrs, I spotted the moon through the balcony doors, peeping through the thick clouds. So I searched and found the Canon camera, which I’d left on top of the microwave, and spent some time taking many 
snaps of the moon. Determined to try and get some decent ones this time.
that came out fairy acceptablyish. At least, I hope so.
The landline flashed and rang. It was from Natalie of the Health 7 Social Care team, called Meridian. To explain to me that they (Meridian) had had another no show, and my Carer should arrive by 09:00hrs. Nay fuss! Fair enough, at least they let me know.
Carer Elena arrived and looked after me in a caring and attentive way. (I loved that! Hehehe!) She had been called out to cover for the absentee. Elena Took the waste bags to the shute on her way out for me.
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To done-in mentally to do any more blogging now. I got the ablutions tackled. Aye… Worra good session it wor! One little cut shaving, a very minor toe-stubbing, and no falls, walking into anything either! Medicated, refreshed, into the new PPs, night attire donned, and off to get summat to eat.
The thud, thudding started from above, so at least I know Herbert hasn’t snuffed it. Shame!
My only success of the day… Cheesy baked potatoes and sausages. Sound like nothing special? But I altered the recipe I usually use to make these treats this time.
Only a few wakings up during the night. I’m well pleased with that, but, on the fifth…
I more or less sort of bolted into wakefulness. Full of misapprehension, a muddled state of mind, and in desperate need of a wee-wee! Don’t know why I mentioned it now. Although it’s been this way for over a week now…
Then, an explosion of gas had burst free! Obviously, I didn’t see it, but I got the feeling that it had caused ripples on the water in the bowl. Instant relief of the pains! Within seconds a mammoth, rock-solid torpedo slowly, very slowly forced its way out, hitting the water before it was entirely out of the bum?
There was no discomfort with it at all? AS I stood up, the stool moved, and splash and clunk were heard… well, I think they did. No mess whatsoever. Mind you, there wouldn’t have room alongside that missile!
Got a good wash and beclothed my body. I went to make a brew of tea. 
One of the pictures came out in a different size to the others? 
My progress on blogging has never been harder work than it is today. I am so frustrated.
I made a meal of sorts, potatoes, a small microwave BBQ burger, and a lemon cheesecake. Nowt fancy, but I needed rest and sleep so much by then. Still, I did enjoy it, such as it was. Taste-Rating: 7.5/10.
Half-an-hour later, ♫ Oh Susana ♫ rang out as the Carer entered the flat. Carer Fria Freestone, at least I think it was. Fria soon got the medications sorted in a matter of fact way; she chose her treat; drink (Tequila) and nibble (Easter egg), and was soon off, bless her.