Nottingham Health and Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair

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F01

Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

F07charlesThe Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F02The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F03msThe Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F05bingoThe Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F04marshaThe Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsh Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

F06financeAccident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Sue Emall – Solicitor for League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaz tops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance.  Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer was injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe: The Match – Nottingham Forest vs Ipswich Town

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NFI01

My mates were away on holiday, so I wrapped myself up in a great coat, scarf, flat cap etc (It was very cold as you would have gathered, if not please pay more attention – thank you).

I took a beef dripping sandwich, apple, and bar of Punch chocolate, and set off to the match on my own.

There was a big crowd, and I made me way to the East stand at the front wall, behind the dug-out.

NFI01aAt half time, I struggled through the crowd to get a Bovril drink, and somehow managed to get back to my spot without spilling too much.

Just as I was biting into the apple, a surge of bodies forced me and everyone else nearby, to be squashed up against the low wall, fearing another surge coming from the yobs behind, I threw away the apple and Bovril cup in an effort to free my hands to use to help stop me being crushed against the wall.

NFI02At which point I found myself being man handled and dragged over the wall by two nice policemen, who gave me a dead-leg, crammed my arm up my back, and frog-marched me into the car park, and secured me in the back of an Austin black maria!

I stood in the cage in the back of the black-maria, confused, about what I might have done to warrant being here?

Occasionally, the doors would open, and a protesting yob or two would be forced into joining we already squashed up inmates in the cages.

I could hear that the match had finished, and after about half an hour or so, the doors opened again, and some police officers accompanied by a couple of police dogs pulled out a few of the incarcerated, me included, into the car park, and suggested we go forth and multiply!

Presumably those still in the van were to be prosecuted, we in the car park were cautioned.

I found out much later, why I was removed from the ground. A neighbour had been standing near to where I was on the East stand, and had seen it all happen, and explained it to me: As I was being crushed  involuntarily into the wall by the surge of fans behind me, the apple I threw away to allow me to use my hands to protect myself from the wall, had landed on a policeman’s helmet!

Ah well, at least I understood why the bobby had dead-legged me, and caught my head on the cage door twice as he implanted me in the black-maria now.

Oh.. and Forest lost the match too!

Inchcock Today: Sunday 9th November 2014

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Just how is Britain’s miniature answer to Ebola doing today?

0701Nervous, uncertain, cold and weary!

Sunday 9th November 2014

Bad night for waking up every few minutes it seemed – and fretting over something different every time.

Gave up and got up at 0250hrs.

0702Laptop took ages to start.

Made a cuppa and returned to it – Internet freezing again. Restarted twice. All three active blue lights on all the time now.

Third loading it is working… reluctantly.

0703I’m sneezing like a good un this morning.

Got loads of graphics done for the TFZers.

Coreldraw is not playing up now? Apart from the not letting me save of course. But still, in confuses me why.

Very cold this morning now.

0704Morrison’s order came, no substitutions.

I’m going to get myself beautified, sanitised and prettied-up and take the camera for a walk into Nottingham. Oh, and of course well wrapped up – me that is not the camera!

I attended the Remembrance service at St John’s, and came away slightly 0705thoughtful but depressed as usual.

Being a Sunday (See how quick I was there?), not much traffic on Mansfield Road as I set off on walk into the City Centre.

As I arrived there, still not much traffic, but plenty of Nottinghomian’s lurking alarmingly about, as well as cyclist, mobility scooters, street performers and big Issue sellers as well.

I poddled through town to the South end and went in Sainsbury’s to get some bread for the birds.

0706I went down to the Nottingham canal and as I was feeding them I realised or rather remembered that it was now banned and I risked an on the spot fine of £65!

So I threw in the rest of the bread quickly… during which one of the animals shat down me left trouser leg!

I was not feeling too good, a bit dizzy and lifeless so I made towards the City Centre to catch the bus home.

On the way I nipped into the pound shop and got another bag of bird seed – that I will have to remember to use in Derby not Nottingham.

0707Walked through town, taking a picture of buildings and nice sky.

Hobbling now, I struggled to the bus-stop. When it arrived and I got on it, I took a picky of me leg and the bird poop!

 Back at the Steptoe & Son hovel, WC, laptop started and made a cuppa.

Microwaved potatoes tonight, with some BBQ sausages methinks.

Do you know, I can’t figure out why I feel so low… Tsk!

Inchcock Today: Frid/Sat 7-8th November 2014

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How is Inchcock Today? – Nervous, worried and confused!

0502Friday 7th November 2014

I woke up regular as clockwork every 30 minutes or so all throughout the night.

I felt more tired when I eventually got up at 0330hrs than I was when I went to bed. Tsk!

0504Noticed message on phone from Brother in law Pete asking what time I would be at their place today. It rally is so sad that I’d forgotten I was going?

Texted back asking if 1200hrs is okay. I kept mobile in me pocket so I might not miss any reply.

Took bags out to the bins and moved 0503them into the pathway ready for collection.

No frost this morning, just dank and drizzly.

Cuppa tea, medications and on laptop at 0400hrs.

Took some photo’s when I got there, and we had a natter of sorts.

Caught bus back to town then another to Carrington.

Not feeling too well at the moment.

050H

Saturday 8th November 2014

Oh dear me – came down and found I’d left me freezer door wide open all night – Huh!

Five black bags of fodder now in the dustbin. So I’ll have to go out and get some replacements later.

Amazing, Coreldraw is letting me open without going through the recent clicking of warnings it indicated. Still not letting me close it properly but still.

I got tons of graphics done while I could.

Cyber-friend Lynton messaged me, I really appreciate this, but sometimes I am embarrassed and ashamed with how I exist. And find communicating any other way than the internet hard.

The internet Google Chrome kept closing on its own accord. Maybe this is the end. I’ll find out when I get back from shopping.

I decided to get out and buy some fodder from the freezer shops. Might go to Bulwell where there is three to pick from for the best value.

Caught the bus on Hucknall Road

The rain was heavy throughout the journey.

Got to Bulwell and called in Iceland. They only had the tasteless lollies in so got one box. Along with some microwave baking potatoes.

Then to Fultons. Got some flavoured potatoe halves.

Then to Heron got some different potatoe halves there.

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Then I updated this then tried to work on Chrome to post it. It loaded very very slowly.

Then opened the Inchcock wordpress site, again very slow loading.

It let me post this anyway. (Slowly)

So I tried to do another one and see if it stayed hospitable.

Not bad, slow but working anyway. Bit like me really. Hehe!

 

♫ How do you Solve a Problem like Marissa! ♫

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MarissaWell, yer see I met this gal called Marissa at the local Locarno Dance hall like.

I can tell yer, me heart went thumpety thump soon as saw her like.

1954 it wer, March I think.

Well, me being an imitation Teddy-Boy, I thought she’s not going to be able to resist me yer see.

So I approached her, asked for her name and asked her if she wanted to dance innit.

Bit of a jive like.

I thought she liked me because she kept laughing at me.

I did alright fer about two minutes when me wig started to slip – Tsk!

She walked off in a huff saying something but I didn’t catch what she said because I’d took me hearing-aids out first like.

Marissa2So I followed her to her table where she was drinking Root Beer and Guinness with her mate Shirley.

I asked her if everything was alright like, she replied:

“Oh yes. I like it when a short-sighted midget comes up to me and his hair falls off his head as he passes wind has BO and can’t see without his glasses!”

“Is that all?” I said. I can get some new glue fer me toupee, take some medicine fer me wind have a bath and get contact lenses gal… problems solved midduck!”

I couldn’t understand why the expression of bewilderment came over her face as;

She stood up and belted me with very passable right hook, kicked me in the goolies, tutted and walked off?

Women eh?

Guarding the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital Woolwich

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0505After the alleged IRA bomb attack at Woolwich Police station, I was sent to beef up the defences of the QE hospital. It was a part civilian part military hospital then.

On the frontage, was a large car park adjacent to the road, and an archway into the premises at the back from the road.

After the attack on the Police Station, this area was cleared and parking there banned.

The first night on duty, they had me cleaning the blood-wagons (Ambulances).

The second night, they posted me at the entrance arch (Unarmed of course), and they’d rigged up a temporary alarm bell on the wall, with the instruction that should I press the button without genuine cause (false alarm), I would prefer to be hung, drawn, and quartered as opposed to what he would do to me! (6’5″ Staff Sergeant speaking)

Yet again, as I walked out to do me guarding, the rain started to pour down, and did so all night. I was stood back under the protruding roof as much as I could to try and avoid the belting rain.

The night brought forth no incidents, and by 0640hrs I was thinking of my breakfast – when a black Wolseley car pulled up at the kerb beyond the abandoned empty car park.

It had three occupants, and they sat for a minute or two with nothing happening, smoking a cigarette.

Then two of them well over six-foot and with stern determined looks on their faces exited the vehicle, both wearing long raincoats, and brimmed hats, pulled down over their faces!

They walked toward me.

‘Phwerp’

I could see the exhaust fumes from the car, it was still running with the driver hunched over the wheel. A quick getaway situation or what, I thought?

As they got within a few feet of me, I wanted to press the alarm, but was just as scared of the Staff Sergeant as I was of the approaching two tall visitors!

(Always been a problem of mine that, being so scared of people and things I found it hard to decide which one to be more scared of!

As the taller of the two got to within 4 foot of me, his left hand delved under his coat on his right chest.

‘Bigger phwerp’

I leant toward the alarm button, finger ready…

He withdrew his hand holding a Metropolitan Police Warrant card!

That is only time I have ever sworn at a police officer, as I inquired into why he did not announce himself earlier. (Or something similar like!)

Inchcock Today: Thursday 6th Novembers 2014

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0401

Thursday 6th Novembers 2014

I woke at 0110hrs but managed to get back to kip again!

0240hrs WC. Inchy bleeding a mite. Haemorrhoids no bleeding.

Managed to nod off again – amazing.

0420hrs Up and downstairs.

Started the laptop which went through a process of checking a drive for stability it said. Oh dear, it took ages.

While this was going on I took out some bags to the bin and found someone had been dumping their rubbish in me bin again! Tsk!

0402All the parked cars had a thick layer of frost over them. By gum it was cold.

Made a cuppa and took me medications.

The laptop loaded (Eventually) and Chrome was working.

0403I was working on the laptop with a thick jumper, wooly-hat and dressing gown on! Brrr! -1ºC = 30.20ºF I think?

I could hear the sounds of emergency vehicle sirens in the locality come through clearly.

There I was with Danny Soz on facebook putting the world to rights, and the warm wet 0404sensation returned to me lower regions.

Went up and cleaned the little ‘Inch’ and decided as to took a while to stop it again, to go to the clinic and asked for some more Betamethasone corticosteroid cream and check if I can use it twice a day instead of once a day in future.

0405I remembered that I had to do me pots of medications (colour coded yer know… I not daft… well…) I made em up, only making one mistake, I put me evening Simvastins in the midday pots so had to take em out and replace em in the right pots. Tsk!

Made sure I’d got some bandages just in case little ‘Inch’ kicked off again and 0406kitchen towels handy like.

Got missen ready and caught bus to City hospital clinic – too cold fer long walks today.

After getting there I was seen in about 15 minutes so no complaints there. They gave me some more cream but saud to only use it once a day. Of 0407course the little ‘Inch’ decided to stop bleeding when they examined him. Tsk!

I went and caught a bus into town, and took some photographs I thought might be of interest.

Not so cold now, so I decided to take a walk down the canal and take some 0408photo’s, then I changed me mind.

Poddled to Broad Marsh Shopping Centre and the 99p shop.

Got some bits then to the pound shop and got some microwavable sausage cobs for tonight and some bird seed (For the birds like, not me).

0409Ambled into the City Centre taking some more piccies on the way.

Called in a public convenience (20p entrance fee) and checked on the little ‘Inch’; no more blood.

I sneaked some bird seed to the pigeons, hope I wasn’t caught on camera?

Caught the bus back into Sherwood and dropped off the bits for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop.

Then called in the Computer shop to see how he was going in preparing the laptop for me and the man said call back Monday – I told him Monday was me hospital day and asked if he would be open Tuesday, he said yes, so I’ll call in Tuesday then.

0409aWalked back to Carrington, and noticed the old chap outside of his backstreet garage and saw the 1947 Hillman Snipe 18hp and asked him if I could take a photo of it for my cyber friends and he agreed.

Got back to the flea-pit.

WC.

Laptop started.

Made a cuppa and put me things away (well I say put them away…) then to the WC.

Updated this tosh and went on Facebook and blog reading for a bit.

I can’t get rid of this thought that I’ve forgotten something – really annoying that is… erm… perhaps I’ve… no… erm…

Ah well.

The Pontifical Council benefits desk chappy – in Rhyme (Of sorts)

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Ode01

The Pontifical Council benefits desk chappie

I said to the Pontifical Council benefits desk chappy,

Can I get any extra , cause me clothes are getting scrappy,

He said quick like and snappy,

Piss-off you make me unhappy!

 

But I persisted I told him me name and abode,

Asked him if he could lighten my load,

He said that isn’t no use without yer postcode,

I thought he was going to explode!

 

I told him about me new ticker and Arthritis,

He said ‘I don’t need to know this,

I told him of me cancer and reflux valve too.

He tutted and out of the door I got threw!

But I returned and again joined the queue.

Do I get any extra for me practising biodegradability?

No he said, nor for your rampant imbecility,

Or for your sexual problems and inability,

Nor for your hearings aids and poor audibility.

 

I’m getting on yer know I said, and I get dizzy spells,

Aye he says, and yer short of brain-cells!

I begged him to put me up in lodgings or a hotel,

He said; Why not join up in the military,

They want gun fodder aplenty?

I pointed out I was now 69 and in 1970 got thrown out,

Not surprised he said, you’re nothing but an uncouth lout!

He went red in the face and started to shout,

With that he had security throw me out!

I didn’t complain he was doing his job,

Although he was a nasty cruel yob,

I forgot about it I could do no other,

He was after all my younger brother!

Inchcock Today: Wed 5th November 2014

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Wednesday 5th November

03W01

Sprang awake around 0200hrs, down and on the laptop with a  cuppa at 0245hrs.

Did some graphics but had to give up after a while Coreldraw9 playing up again.

Worked on some posts for Inchcock blog.

Thought about going to meet sister Jane on Thursday to go to the hospital with her and got some things ready to take.

Got an email from her later, it’s not this Thursday but next. Off course I knew that… I’d just forgot.

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop in Sherwood, did me ablutions and set off on me walk there.

03W02The sky looked beautiful, but by gum it were bloomin’ cold!

Dropped the stuff off at the shop and caught a bus into the city centre. Where I hobbled into Tesco and got some bread for the ducks and myself. (The ducks got it all – Tsk!)

Caught a bus out to Derby where I can 03W03afeed the ducks without being arrested.

03W03bI went in the Spar shop at the bus-station 03W03cand got some more bread and as I did I 03W03dcould smell some hot cobs for sale. I got missen a bacon one – it wus ‘orrible!

Dried and tasteless.

Still, the ducks and pigeons liked it.

The birds there on the river Derwent behind the bus station were in great abundance. There was lot of them as well. Mallards, Canada geese, swans, pigeons and thousands of nasty greedy bullying sea gulls.

Took a lot of photographs of them.

Then I caught the bus to Mansfield (Gawd bless the pensioner’s free bus-pass!).

I managed to get a good read of PC David Rathbones book on me journeys today because I left me Blood Red Snow book in the bathroom at home.

Had a poddle round for a bit.

I tried to take a photo of a mobility scooter that looked like a three-wheeled Harley-Davidson but by the time I’d got me old camera out he was long gone. Still I found one on the web that looks very similar to the one I nearly photographed.

03W02aThen caught the bus back to Nottingham.

03W04Gawd he was in a rush, it felt like I was on a waltzer! I got off a bit battered and bruised.

Tried to take a photo through the bus window of the wonderful scenery – didn’t come out too well.

Hobbled back to the dump – no yobs in sight, good.

Bonfire night here yer know.  They’ll be out later with their fireworks and oh dear…

Don’t know if I should go up tonight or sit down here on guard!

Must remember not to use me Betamethasone ream tonight when i take me medications and wash the ‘Litttle Inch’.

Soddit, just had a dizzy spell; Tsk!

Oh… better take me medications then…

The Night Nurse Remedy – Part of the ‘Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe’ series

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NN02flatI was living in a ground floor flat at the time on Bingham Road in Sherwood Nottingham.

When I got a bout of flu suddenly hit me.

I’d been out for a few pints at the local at lunchtime, but felt suddenly weary and tired, and after the one pint, I made my way back to the flat to get my head down.

I had heard of the new ‘Night Nurse Medicine’ and how good it was, so I ventured to the chemist bought some, and took a swig.

I remember lying on the settee, unable to get up again, and kept falling asleep, and waking, each time I woke I felt dizzy and noticed the light coming through the window from the street light outside was getting less as the night moved on.

I woke up in the bedroom, not knowing how I had got there, and still feeling bad. I eventually got myself up, and walked through to the kitchen at the back, and saw the back door open.

Nothing seemed out of order. As I walked into the garden, I heard the side gate open, and a policeman and woman approached me.

It seems the woman had complained about me singing as I was dancing and then rolling on the grass naked in the garden at 3 o’clock in the morning!

I could remember nothing of this, and tried to explain to them about the ‘Night nurse’ apparently affected me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to the magistrates about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my employers about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my lady-friend Grizelda about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

Later I tried to explain to my landlady about the ‘Night nurse’ affecting me behaviour, and I could not remember anything about the incident.

So, I recommend that if you are taking Night Nurse Medications, do not drink alcohol!

Don’t do as I did – you read the label it warns you not to drink alcohol! (In fact I’d give the Night Nurse a miss altogether now I think about it again and stick with the alcohol I think… I wish I had)

NN03nurseSpecial warnings and precautions for use

Medical advice must be sought before taking this product in people with:

• Hepatic or renal impairment. Underlying liver disease increases the risk of paracetamol-related liver damage.

• Chronic or persistant cough, such as occurs with asthma and emphysema, or where cough is accompanied by excessive secretions.

• Narrow-angle glaucoma

• Cardiovascular problems

• Prostatic hypertrophy

• Urinary retention

• Epilepsy

Use with caution in the elderly, who are more likely to experience anticholinergic adverse effects including confusion and paradoxical excitation. Avoid use in elderly patients with confusion.

Children are more likely to experience paradoxical excitation with sedating antihistamine.

Medical advice should be sought if symptoms persist, or are accompanied by high fever, skin rash or persistent headache.

Patients with rare glucose-galactose malabsorption should not take this medicine.

The hazard of overdose is greater in those with non-cirrhotic alcoholic liver disease.

Do not exceed the stated dose.

Patients should be advised not to take other paracetamol-containing products or decongestant-containing medicines concurrently.

If symptoms persist consult your doctor.

Keep out of the reach and sight of children.

Avoid alcoholic drink. I missed this bit… Tsk!

Did Night Nurse make Red Arrows pilot die? RAF ace accidentally ejected himself on tarmac after taking flu medication

Daily Mail Wednesday, Nov 5th 2014

  • Flight Lieutenant Sean Cunningham, 35, died after accident in Hawk T1
  • Ejector seat parachute did not deploy at RAF Scampton in Lincolnshire
  • Test show Cunningham used Night Nurse the evening before incident
  • Medication ‘can cause some sedation and impair performance in pilots’

It has amazed me ever since the incident, why the youths of today buy expensive drugs, when all they need to do is to drink a pint of bitter and take just one gulp of Night Nurse?