Whoopsiedangleplops

Inchcock Today Fri 23 Feb 16: Fings going alright for once – I should not have said that, should I?

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print!

*****

BusstopRainTuesday 23 February 2016

Shot awake at around 0300hrs, the TV still flickering away, headphones still on my head, the wind howling outside and in urgent need of the bathroom porcelain.

Stood up, overjoyed at how the leg gave me so little defiance in this effort. Anne Gyna was giving no bother, the Reflux valve was sticking just a bit, and Arthur Itis was very kind to me. It concerns me when I wake up feeling good like this because history tells me I’ll pay for it later? Hehe! As I set off on the long eleven-step walk to the bathroom, I pulled the wire of the headphone with my foot – clunk the mug and mobile phone clattered onto the floor. I bent down and retrieved them, still no hiatus from the leg or back?

Sat there on my throne, I decided to get a shave then. BJ is coming to lift me to the launderette around 0800>0830hrs. So I’ll have to have a bath earlier than usual (Remember I left the hot water tap running last night so couldn’t have one then, besides I fell asleep, Humph!). Hoping it will not disturb my neighbours, I’ll have it around 0715hrs, that should give me time to get the things ready for BJ then.

Deerhat1When I came out to go to the kitchen, (All of at least eight-paces), I actually remembered I’d selected to keep my hearing aids in Auntie Kath’s fancy China pot thing. I got the idea from some of TFZ gals who responded to my photo of it on Facebook.

Well chuffed with oneself, this morning I was… up to now, no agony from the ailments, not forgetting where I’d moved the hearing aids too; this can’t go on I thought? Haha!

CG poorly2I made a good strong cup of Punjana tea and had my breakfast while setting the laptop going to finish Monday’s diary off and start this one.

I’d left the headphones I use for the laptop out on the 1967 G-Plan sideboard where the laptop sits proudly awaiting its next break-down. This prompted me to listen to some music on YouTube. There, the first thing I saw was on the history – ‘Gossip Calypso’, Bernard Cribbins – Argh! The flipping thing came back into my head again. I opted to listen to a compilation of Frankie Vaughan songs, 200 songs on it, all memory provoking stuff. Won’t have time to hear them all mind this time. Ah, ‘He is started with ‘Gimme the moonlight’, nobody could sing this like Frankie. ‘Tower of Strength’ the next one, just like I feel this morning for some reason. Tower; definitely brings back some memories of my lustful days of youth. Margaret her name was, another one I lost. Hey-ho!

Email from Patti. Set about doing another graphicalisation that suited her better and got it sent off via email.

Started to work on a humorous post about ‘Comments and Quotes on Women and Men, by Women and Men. Then realised the time; oh dear, I just had time to get a wash, before BJ rang to say he was on his way.

Forgot my hearing aids, but too late to go back up the lift to collect them, or I might miss BJ.

P1050046I walked to the end of Chestnut Walk and waited for him to arrive. The view from the corner was magnificent with the lighting as it was.

BJ scooped me up and off we went to the launderette in Carrington.

He helped me with the crosswords, and I managed a good gossip with Mandie.

P1050047Back to his house where he popped in for a few minutes, and then off to Asda (Walmart) for some Trousers, because I ripped mine this morning in getting down to clean the bits I’d left in the oven. Tsk!

I found just one pair of trews the size I wanted, so got them. Then had a wander around getting a bit of a nosh in. Spent some more cash today, £36.01! Mind you I did get the trousers didn’t I, £9 there, and I got a DVD that I hadn’t known about for £5, Tremors 5 Bloodlines. I saw Tremors 4 years ago and had such a laugh at it; I hope this one is funny too.

We were soon back at the flats where BJ dropped me off, bless him. If it wasn’t for Duncan and BJ, I don’t know how I’d manage at times.

Up to the flat, five letters had been delivered. Two for Margaret the previous tenant, two advertising bumph and one informing me I have an appointment at the clinic rearranged fro the  6th March.

Made a jolly strong cup of tea while singing Frankie Vaughan’s ‘Green Door to myself, took the midday medications, passed wind, and got the laptop on.

Updated this load of manure then went on facebook for a bit.

Having Lamb stew and Colcannon mash with green beans today for the nosh. I’ll look up what Colcannon mash is later.

Got around to doing some more on the Ladies v Men post.

Nosh:

Lamb stew, carrots, peppers, onions, green beans (from Israel, very sweet!), and the Colcannon mashed potatoes. Rated 9.26/10.

The Colcannon mash had kale and onions in it. Rather delectable, although I’m not supposed to eat kale, there was only a tiny bit of it, and it was so nice! I dipped the continental bread in the gravy. Followed it with a pot of mandarins in orange jelly.

Got an excellent bathing and soak. Got into and out of the bath with relative ease tonight? The leg was not much bother at all; on the mend nicely now.

Fatigue soon came over me again and within minutes, I had turned into a poorly bloke again. Tsk!

Watched some goggle-box and soon went into the land of nod. Zzzz!

TTFN all.

Inchcock Today Mon 22 Feb 16: ♫Gossip Calypso♫ on my mind?

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass! (Oh, sorry! – Inchcock)

Monday 22 February 2016

Around  0300hrs, a loud voice bellowed out from somewhere that at first I thought was in my dream, and then I recognised that it was in the room, and I heard it without my hearings aid in? As I focussed, it became apparent that this was the ‘Alarm Centre Auto message, telling me I had activated my Health Alarm wristlet. A bit of screeching from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. 

A bit of screaming from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. I couldn’t understand a word he or she was saying, nor recognise the accent. Luckily I have done this accidental activating of the alarm twice before, so I just said: “Sorry, caught it in error!” The operator spoke a two syllable word, whatever that was, and rang off.

Had to get up now, so much for my planned lay-in like? Hehe!

I wish I could remember the dream I was having, but cannot, just a feeling that I was enjoying it, lingered.

Ah well, I’ll make a cuppa then, took the medications. Made sure the Anticoagulation form was in the coat pocket ready for the INR Warfarin Blood Test later.

As soon as I got into the bathroom and started checking out Little Inchy (No bleeding today – yippee!), Bernard Cribbin’s Gossip Calypso song came into my mind, and it stayed there all day, I just kept singing the bits of it that I could remember repeatedly? For the younger readers, here are the lyrics to the song. I looked them up later. If you click on the Lyrics link, you can have a listen to the actual song. I don’t think they would allow this to be recorded nowadays? I loved it.

BusstopRainGossip Calypso LyricsBusstopRain

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Oh Mrs Brown, well how are you now, I tell you,
I’ve had a shocking time with Ern and his stomach
Don’t talk to me, my Charlie has gone and fallen down the stairs again,

saints preserve us
Poor old chap did he hurt himself well, not as much as
Alf that’s my cousin Freds boy I learnt from Fred,
the doctor said, he’ll have to have his kneecaps straight,

Gor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Mrs Booze, have you heard the news that woman,
you know the very fat one down at the corner
Climbed in a truck, got stuck, they think that they never gonna get her out, do tell me
Well I had a feller round and gave him a pound, to free her with an oxyacetylene welder
Must send along some books, it looks like she’s gonna be there quite some time,

Cor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back

Oh, Mrs Ware, I do like your hair who does it,
I go to Madame Pom-Pom round by the gas works
With all that fruit, it looks so cute, I can’t believe it, it’s really you, like a film star
Have you heard dear, a little bird has told me Mrs Tate’s expecting her seventh
Well glory be, that’s three, she’s had since Lenny had his tonsils out, cor blimey singing

Gossip Calypso Gossip Calypso
Hear all about it yak a yak yak
Every woman up at the window
Giving out the gossip and getting it back!

I got the laptop on and made another cuppa. As I did, the wind was still belting into the kitchen something rotten! The wind was also escaping from me as well. Humph!

Checked the calendar to verify the time for the surgery appointment was 1030hrs. (Gossip Calypso playing in my mind. Can’t stop it now!)

Finished off Sundays dairy, and started this one off.

Did some Facebooking and got a request for a graphic – I love it when this happens, especially from Patti. It’s so good to be able to do something for those who do a lot for me. Got on with starting it. Had to get a move on so as not to be late for the GP. Patti let me now he’d like one of the characters in a wedding dress so had to change it sharpish. I decided not to print it here yet, in case it is suitable for her until she has used it.

I feel amazingly good again this morning – I expect some hiatus or Whoopsiedangleplop to occur soon. Hehe!

Got a scrub-up and Jean, the lady I lent to her to view, returned them bless her. Asked her if she wanted to have a look see if there were any she would like to see from my shelves, but she declined.

Then I set off for the INR blood test at the GP in Carrington. I met Dean Walker, the coordinator for my block of flats on the way out. Gave her the Wholemeal Soda bread loaf, that saves me calling into the Community Shed on the way to leave it for her and Obegruppenfurher Julie, the other coordinator.

P1050041As I turned right on the way to Winchester Street, a fox showed itself near the fencing. By the time I dug into my bag to get the camera and got it going, it was too late, he’d hopped it back into the gardens. Tsk!

I’d gotten half-way down the Winchester Street hill when I found myself singing ‘Gossip Calypso’ again.

I proceeded in an orderly fashion down to Sherwood, left up the hill and down the hill into Carrington. I’d like to brag at this time if you don’t mind like: It took me only 38 minutes to walk there from the flats. (Smug mode adopted).

The beautiful nurse soon took me blood in no time – but stopping the bleeding afterwards took longer than it ever has before? Oh dear!

I gave her the nibbles and exited onto Manfield Road.Where I think, I might have qualified as Britains Most Effective Vacillator!

Where I think I might well have qualified as Britains Most Effective Senior Citizen Vacillator! I walked up to the bus stop on the right to catch a bus into town – Where I changed my mind and started to walk to the left and cross the road to grab a bus back into Sherwood – While waiting for a break in the traffic to cross the street, I thought, no, I will go into town and catch an L9 bus from there to go to Sainsburys and get some cashew nuts. – Then I thought, oh blimey, BJ is coming, and I walked back to the bus-stop near the surgery. – Then realised BJ is coming tomorrow; not today, and began to waddle back to the other bus stop, and realised I should have caught the bus from the other bus stop, and walked back to it, and did so. I worry myself at times yer know!

To the accompaniment of ‘Gossip Calypso’ in my mind, I travelled into the City Centre. There had been an accident of some kind near the Post Office, and a chap was laying down near the back of a van, with worried people who had covered him and put him in the recovery position. The CPO stood scratching his arse, as they awaited the ambulance or paramedic.

P1050042I caught the bus into Arnold, dropping off as Sainsburys.

Nipped in and hurriedly got a soda bread and the honey-roasted cashew nuts I was after – very pricey, but there you are.

No guilt present!

Paid the scowling til person, and I was soon back out at the bus-stop again and caught the same bus back to the flats.

P1050043The sky was beautiful once again, even if there was not so much sunshine about. I did some cross-wording and ‘Gossip Calypso’ came less often to mind.

On the journey, the skies darkened, although streaks of lightness permeated them.

I took this photo from the kitchen when I got in; well, after visiting the porcelain. The wind around the flats seemed far worse than elsewhere?

I realised I’d forgotten to get a TV paper to replace the one I’d accidentally thrown away. Huh! So I checked on the TV listing thingy. Some good stuff on tonight as well! But I have minimum confidence in my ability to stay awake to watch those I want to watch.

Made a cuppa and took the medications.Laptop on and I updated this diary.

I’m afraid I left the hot water running again, so no bath until it heats up again after 1800hrs, and I wanted to watch a film on TV as well. Still, as I said earlier, I’ll probably nod off, in any case.

‘Gossip Calypso’ continues to come from my lips!

Laptop on and I updated this diary.

P1050045Had the urge for toast for me fodder tonight. So, I got six small brown Soda bread slices and put Vegemite on two of them, Marmite on another two, and Blackcurrant jam on the last two.

A cup of strong tea and some honey coated cashew nuts for afters.

I couldn’t decide if the Vegemite for the Marmite tasted better, not that it matters, I love them both! Wonderful!

Took the medications and tried to watch a film on the goggle-box.

I soon nodded off, waking up around 0300hrs with the TV still on, and the wind howling again! Still, ‘Gossip Calypso’ had gone… Hehehe!

Inchcock Today Sun 21 Feb 16: Lost BP Monitor Found! Health Alarm Activated! Exciting stuff eh?

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

If a lawyer and a politician were both drowning, and you could only save one of them:

Would you go to lunch, play Tetris or read the newspaper?

*****

01W01aSunday 21st February 2016

Woke up at around 0200hrs, and savoured the wonderful memories of the dream I’d been having, of course, as usual, only bits of it remain now that I come to record them here.

One again I was in a bombed out building, top floor, troops fighting all around the area, mortar fire, artillery fire and snipers all having a pop at me, as I sat there on a typewriter? Despite the exploding shells and collapsing building around me, all I seemed worried about was how to spell a word. I was not hurt at all, although bleeding from the end of my left-hand thumb? Odd?

Fell back to sleep, must have needed it for me to do this?

I stirred again around 0400hrs, and as I moved, I was very pleased with the lack of objections from the flabby bodies joints, Anne Gyna and the right leg too. Considering all the cleaning yesterday, this encouraged me not to temerate over my decision to get the living room cleaned up today. The many and large windows may not get cleaned outside though this depends on the weather.

To the porcelain without any hiatus, I found this oddly disturbing?

I noticed the BP machine that I found yesterday, and did the tests:

DYS 154 – DIA 70 – Pulse 89 and Temp 32.4. I’ve lost the notes about what the readings should be, but I feel extraordinarily energetic this morning! Says him with fingers crossed, Hehe!

To the kitchen to make a cuppa and take the morning medications. The wall thermometer indicated it was 57°f, and the wind was coming in through every crevice and crack through the windows, vents and the cupboards and drawers. I’ll be glad when they get this fixed and sorted. I need some vadiation from the Nottingham City Homes that they will be sorting it out when the modernisation of the flats takes place. But when will that be?

I opened the laptop and finished Saturday’s diary. Then started this one.

Sneezing a lot this morning I am.

3WBond

Wheeler Gate Comparison

Checked the emails, and then went on Facebook. I noticed some good stuff on the Nottingham Now and then site. So decided I’d go to Nottingham and take some photographs of Exchange Walk, from the same angle as a 1950 one I have, then doctor them next to each other, think of something funny to write about them, and eventually post them onto the site.

I had a wash and did my ablutions, and set off on the walk up and through Woodthorpe Park to the bus stop on Mansfield Road. (They’re no buses to the flat on a Sunday).

Got to the top of the steep footpath and noticed some kids getting themselves ready to start a football match – in the wind! Thought they were so brave I decided to take the photo of them… then decided to go back to the flat to pick up the camera I’d forgotten to take with me – Tsk!

P1050033So back and picked it up and returned to the pitch in the park.

The referee had got then walking along the opposition team shaking hands like the professional footballers do! I was impressed.

Stayed a few minutes to watch them, again I was impressed with how they didn’t even try to do any long passes in the horrible wind.

P1050039I moved to the bus stop and only had 15 minutes to wait for a bus. When it arrived it was so full, crammed passengers all over the place. I was surprised the driver let us all on.

Once in town, I went to check the number 40 bus times for me get back near the flats. I had 20 minutes to get to take the photographs, not far to go, though. Went and took them, and made my way back to the bus stop, calling in the book shop (Will I ever learn!) as I did. Purchased a book by Sepp Allerberger, Knights Cross, a sniper on theEastern Front. £9.99 down to £5.00.

P1050038Back to the bus stop, just in time too!

The rain joined the high winds in making life unpleasant.

But it was nothing compared to the winds back at the flats.

After risking life and limb crossing over the road on Winchester Street and walking down and turning towards the flats, my rate of knots was reduced by about 80% by the vicious winds.

When I got into the flat, I made for the bathroom and the porcelain first, and the howling winds coming through every gap in the windows, holes in the walls and through the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, made their way to the bathroom, and the toilet paper was blowing in the wind! Cor blimey Governer!

I searched for the TV paper I’d bought yesterday, for a while without any success. Realised I must have thrown down the rubbish chute with the other stuff earlier today. Humph!

P1050040Got the beef chunks on the boil, then added some veg to it later. I reckon I cut the beef up into small chunks, perhaps smaller than I should have – as they seemed to have disappeared when I stirred in the mix? Added some gravy and baked beans to fill it out.

It didn’t look very attractive at all, but by gum it was nice tasting! Rated this an 8.9/10.

Went on the web to see what was on the TV, and found four films all one after the other, that I could watch! Astonished at this, I decided not to do any cleaning today, rather treat myself to a good sit-in and TV session! Guilt did reign a bit, but I managed to overcome it. Hehe!

Not that it panned out like that, I managed the first film, only nodding off a few times, then watched the second one. At the first commercial break, I drifted off into the dreaming land of nod.

Woke a few hours later, but kept tossing and turning for some reason and waking myself up again every few minutes it seemed like. .

DSCN0014Around  0300hrs a loud voice bellowed out from somewhere that at first I thought was in my dream, then I recognised that it was in the room, and I hearing it without my hearings aid in? As I focussed it became clear that this was the ‘Alarm Centre Auto message, telling me I had activated my Health Alarm wristlet. A bit of screeching from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. 

A bit of screeching from the line, red light flashing, and then a voice came over the box. I couldn’t understand a word he or she was saying, nor recognise the accent. Luckily I have done this accidental activating of the alarm twice before, so I just said: “Sorry, caught it in error!” The operator spoke a two syllable word, whatever that was, and rang off.

Had to get up now, so much for my planned lay-in like? Hehe!

I wish I could remember the dream I was having, but cannot, just a feeling that I was enjoying it, lingered.

Ah well, I’ll make a cuppa then.

Inchcock Today Fri 19 Feb 16: Another day of beautiful skys

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

How many Lawyers does it take to tile the roof of a house?

That depends on how thin you slice them!

*****

01W01aFriday 19 February 2016

Shot awake at 0225hrs, in need of the porcelain. The left foot was very sore and painful when I stood up, but the right leg seemed easier this morning. I think perhaps I’d laid with the heavier torn muscle right leg on top of the left one’s ankle?

Made a cuppa and got the medication pot ready to take later. Laptop on and finished the diary for yesterday off, and then started this one.

At this point, I’d like to mention that I didn’t drop anything in the kitchen, nor spill the milk, nor leave the tap running. Smug Mode adopted! Hehe!

Forged on with finishing the graphic I started days ago for the TFZers.

2I sincerely hope they like it enough.

I added a lot of little extras I anticipate they will find.

Flowers, cacti, at least, three pets of the outstanding members.

It took yonks to get completed. I posted asking for comments and or, a Caption for it. 

P1020975Got the laundry ready and popped down to the washing room. 

Old Lilly came down to sit in the foyer while I was getting the laundry into the machine. 

I pooped, no, popped, out to the Winwood Community Shed to ask if anyone could ring the surgery for me to book an appointment fro my INR test on Monday. No one was in.

Came back to the foyer and had a chinwag with Lilly.

After the washing was done and I transferred the clothes to the dryer, I went to the Shed again, still no one there, so I dropped their nibbles in the fridge.

Many folks were coming and going today, and I had many a good gossip. Felt right at home I did.

Made an effort at the crosswords with the help of a couple of tenants waiting to go out on the bus.

Got the drying out, and again visited the hut. I got in and realised I’d left my other bag in the laundry room, so nipped back for it, then once more to the hut.

Where Deana and Obergruppenfurher Julie were busy working away. I asked Deana and she called the GP for me and got an appointment for Monday at 1035hrs, bless her.

P1050024Back to the flat and made a cuppa, sorted the clobber and set-up a new laundry bag.

Spend a good while looking out of the kitchen window and watching the people with their dogs, tails a wagging (The dogs not their owners) way down 12 stories below.

P1050025Updated this tosh on the laptop, and then got me meal cooking.

Tried to do some cleaning now the leg was so much easier, but the damned Angina put at end to that plan.

When one thing eases off, usually another comes to replace it. Tsk!

Had to give up, hoping Anne Gina will give me a break in the morning.

Medications were then taken, and a passage of wind was released, that brought tears to my eyes, and drifted off to kip.

I sprang awake 0245hrs, wide awake?

Inchcock Today 18 Feb 16: Windwood Community Hut meeting today

/ Inchie / 5 Comments

First lawyer: “You’re an unmitigated liar.”
Second lawyer: “You’re a lowdown cheat.”
Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

*****

01W01aUp at around 0400hrs, bit of the dream I’d had still milling about in my head, by the time I got onto the laptop to record them, many had disseminated into the ether. Tsk!

I was trying to collect the fairs from passengers on a trolley bus of old. Folk kept running away from me. After much of this frustration I swapped position with the driver and he had a go at collecting the fairs in. He gave up after two stops and came around to the cab wanting to change back again. I refused, he disappeared and returned with the passengers, and they started to cram themselves into the cab with me? Somehow I escaped, as I jumped out of the cab, found myself in a giant inkwell, with a dangerous pen nib being dipped into it, that I had to keep avoiding. I recall being glad that I had learned to swim in this dream; Yes, I knew I was dreaming. I think I tried to wake up without any luck. I then ended up somehow in the gutter of the road, comforting a dying sparrow?

The right leg felt far less painful, and I arose to make a cup of tea and take my medications. A bit nippy again this morning.

To the porcelain, and found no blood leaking anywhere! Well done I said to myself. Had a good wash and did my ablutions, and then had a shave and accrued a cut on the chin. Huh!

I got on with doing some graphics for the “This week’s helpful advice accrued for fellow Senior Dodderers” post.

It was soon time for my mate BJ to arrive, and go with me to the Thursday Morning Meet at theWinwood Centre Shed. He was a little late; I did tell him the meeting was from 1000 to 1100hrs… or did I?

When BJ arrived, he called me just before he did so that I could meet him downstairs.

I got me bits and to the lift, and realised I’d left my hearing aids, so had to go back and get them. Down again, and met him in the car park.

We poddled to the Community Shed, and it was full of folk enjoying themselves, but 1040 by then. This was when BJ said he’s misunderstood my telling him the meeting was from 10 to 11hrs hours and thought I meant for him to get here for 10 to 11hrs? Nice to know someone else can get it wrong. Hehe!

We had a great time nattering away and listening to the other tenants. but we had only a short tie before they were packing up. BJ said he’d come again next week.

He gave me a lift to Sainsburys on his way home, bless him.

P1050018The shop had some of the almonds I fancied, I got them and quickly got out, just in time to catch the L9 bus back to the flats.

The sky was again unusual, in such as the clouds looked like they had been painted onto it again.

These photographs I took from the P1050019bus as we were travelling through Daybrook and Sherwood in the second one.

Wonderful dramatic clouds in the sky again!

When I got back to the flats, I was again pleased with the improvement in the right leg.

P1050014I got into the front room, took my coat off and knocked two photographs off the corner cabinet. Huh! I replaced them.

To the WC,  then onto the laptop to do this diary.

Heeding the call from within for fodder, I got the nosh ready in between nipping back to the laptop.

P1050020Got the beef in the oven first, potatoes and mushrooms in the pans and added the parsnips to the meat later. Hoping that it all comes out correctly.

Patti Beckert would be proud of me today, I hope.

One giant mushroom with some small chestnut mushrooms, boiled potatoes, beetroots with orange bits, roast beef and garden peas. The gravy didn’t come out right mind. I used the juice from the mushrooms to make it as well. Tsk!

Took the medications. Managed to drop the tray on the way into the kitchen.

Tired out again now, I did the washing up and interned myself in the armchair.

For a change, I drifted off quickly, the TV still on when I awoke at 0215hrs.

This weeks helpful advice accrued for fellow Senior Dodderers

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Without any questionisationing, the last few days happenings at Inchcock’s Mansion in the Sky, have proven to be of infinitesimal benefit for him, in his quest to be of use as the WordPress Senior Bloggers Doddery Advisory Editor for Whippersnappers, and what they can anticipate and expect to be having to cope with in their later years.

No nonsensical airy-fairy Namby-Pamby these may or may not be applicable to all of the young shoplifters and drugged muggers in future years.

Each actual incident is described, and real advice offered. So that those nearing the Coffin-Waiting time of life can face it with the certain knowledge that they are about to tackle their final challenges, and can do so, knowing how Inchcock managed. (Fair enough he failed, but there you are!)

P1050007

Incident One

The support-gloved removal of fodder from the oven:

You will find it easy to do this and singe your gloves and fingers. The pain will not bother you too much, however, because you’ll be suffering from the Angina, and this will probably what caused you to forget to use the oven glove in the first place.

P1050008

Incident Two

Removing the new milk jug from the refrigerator:

Reaching in and getting some milk for your strong cup of tea, no doubt used to be an easy task?

Inchcock advises you do not use a paper coaster in an effort to keep the glass shelf clean in the fridge, like what he did.

You will find as you remove the jug, the coaster will fall off. You will naturally make a failed grab in an effort to try and catch the paper disc before it lands on the floor, where you will be in great pain from your arthritis and pulled leg muscle in retrieving it from.

Unfortunately, you will miss the coaster and drop the milk jug at the same time. Also, you’ll bang your head on the fridge door in your efforts.

Cleaning up the mess up, will prompt your backache and swollen knees to start giving you some stick, pain-wise.

You may well invent a new curse word like Inchy did, ‘Schramblackgustit!’

A new jug will cost you £3 from Asda.

P1050009

Incident three

The bathroom Heater Costs:

Taking your bath and ablutions will be painful enough just getting into, and especially so, out of the tub.

Not forgetting to turn off the heater, then going back in two hours later to find you didn’t turn it off, can and will damage your finances.

On the plus side, it’ll be nice and warm in there next time you use the throne but beware of falling asleep on it like what Inchy did. Falling off of it can cause medical problems, and getting back up will be no picnic either! Remember to keep your Health Alert panic button wristlet on, but not when you are in the bath – this has also proved costly to the Editor in the passed. Tsk!

P1050010

Incident Four

The battery operated dab radio in the bathroom:

What a good idea thought Inchcock, he could listen to his beloved Radio Nottingham whilst taking a bath or using the porcelain now he’s bought a battery operated unit.

He found the reception crap, and the volume available not high enough for him to hear it. The batteries don’t last long either. He also has adopted a regular habit of not turning it off after using the bathroom. He recommends if you take this route, keep a good stock of AA batteries in… and try to remember where you stored them too, important this bit!

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Incident Five

Housework One:

Failure to remember where the sharp corners are on the furniture, particularly the electric fireplace that always attracts dust even though he has never used it.It makes such a mess

It also makes such a mess when he tries to help himself back up after cleaning the thing, it’s amazing how many times the truncheon, photo frame, and clock, have along with Inchcock tumble to the floor while carrying out this simple cleaning task. He’s alright now thanks, the bleeding on his ear-hole tab has stopped.

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Incident Six

Mobile Phone charging calamity:

When charging the mobile phone, it is best not to forget you’ve put it on charge for two days.

Lack of incoming calls (Though understandable), could be avoided, thus, you will be reminded that the phone is still on charge when you eventually find it as it rings. If as with Inchy, you do not get any incoming calls much, you might try setting the alarm on the mobile to remind you of when it is fully charged? Of course being deaf, you may not hear it anyway. Still, it keeps the EE phone shop happy selling me the replacement batteries regularly.

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Incident Seven

Cooking and Traditional Wood Dye:

A good bit of advice here for those few whippersnappers that may still be capable of cooking their own fodder in the later years.

When using  your wood dye on your walking stick scratches, always, I say always! Put the can and micro-duster away out of view. Why? Well, you might copy Inchcock, and while you are setting out your food on the plate then realise you’ve left the open can of dye out on the work surface. Decide to screw back the cap on it and put it away securely. It is best not to let the thing slip from your arthritic hands as you screw the cap back on and as you make determined but futile lunge for the falling can, the contents spill right onto your lamb stew on your plate you’ve just served up for yourself! Humph!

PBooks

Incident Eight

So, you want to read some of your book, called Leningrad:

A great idea comes to you, you’ve got an hour and a bit to wait for the bus, not long enough to do anything on the laptop, so decide to have a read of your book?

You peruse the bookshelf and can’t see it there? You will try to recall when you last had a read of it, was it in the bathroom, a search in there will prove worthless. You spent the two hours searching, getting annoyed with yourself. You’ll check your shopping bag, bedroom, kitchen and cupboards. You give up and set off on the bus to your doctors appointment. You get back four hours later, make a cuppa and look at the bookshelf again – and there it is, Leningrad, top right of the shelf? Annoying this will be!

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Incident Nine

Another bathroom Cock-up to avoid:

You find out that Bicarbonate of Soda granules will work perfectly as a bath tub cleaner.

Just make sure you keep the packet away from your bath salts!

Mind you, if you too get them mixed up, you will get a good clean, but tingling sensation after your bath! Hehe!

Inchcock Today Mon 15 Feb 16: A nothing day – but I did manage to drop the milk again. Hehe!!

/ Inchie / 3 Comments

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was “why?”

Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it:

“I Never got caught.”

He got the job!

**********

Monday 15 February 2016

0300hrs: I sprang awake, urgently needing the porcelain, the right leg throbbing again, I hobbled to the bathroom. As I sat reading Kenneth William’s diaries, feelings of frustration and an alarming overpowering sensation that something awful is about to occur? A horrible expectancy of doom or disaster? Have you ever had this happen to you? Put me in a right ‘Worry Mode’ state of mind, have I any Tikvah!

However, the haemorrhoids and Little Inchy were not bleeding, only the reflux valve and angina were giving me any real grief.

I went into the kitchen and realised I’d left me dirty pots in the bowl last night. Naughty Inchcock! Washed them and put them away, kettle on and made a cup of English Breakfast tea, and took my medications while I thought about it.

I could recall some tiny details of the dreams I’d had. One little bit that was clear as glass, yet nothing about the rest of them? I was in a long narrow room at a desk with inkwells, Dickensian-looking, drab, dusty. People were coming in, and each one was selling me one of their shoes? I was paying them a penny farthing for each one. I even recall getting the farthings from a Bisto tin, just like the one I used to keep my paper round wages in years and years ago? A sensation that I’d had so much more escapades during my dreams was present, but no other recollections. Annoying innit?

Laptop on, diary for Sunday finished and posted.

Did some Facebooking and checked the emails.

Got in the bathroom and cleaned my wobbly body and medicated the areas that needed medicating.

IMG_0001When I eventually returned to the kitchen to make another brew, the light fall of snow we’d had outside looked beautiful.

Took this photograph.

Sorted out the paperwork for the Government Pensions contact numbers.

I called Sister Jane on her mobile. Enjoyed the natter we had.

Then got myself wrapped up, took the rubbish bag to the chute and got done the lift and out to the Winwood Community Shed to ask Dean or Julie if they would phone the pensions people for me, to inform them of my change of address for me.

I arrived and was lucky to catch them both in. They had four other complexes to visit today.

Boing! I’d left my paperwork back in the flat! Tsk!

Back to the flats and up the lift to retrieve the paperwork with the details on it. expectation

Back down and out to the hut again. Deana sorted it out for me. It took her ages, and the woman I had to speak to, to confirm details was incomprehensible to my ears.

I then asked them what flat the lady named Jean lived in. Her being the woman I had promised to take some DVDs to for her to view. Julie informed me it was number 48.

IMG_0002I grovelled and thanked them, then left to go back to the flat.

En route, I noticed someone had created some Nottingham Street art with their car, by driving on the pavement.

Nice of them, I thought.

The sun was shining, but it was bitter cold this morning.

I remembered the Morrison’s delivery was coming today twixt 12/1300hrs.

Hastened (Limped) back to the flat, when I got in I collected the DVDs for tenant Jean, and set off to find her flat to give them to her. After much going up and down on the lift, I found number 48 on the sixth floor. Knocked on the door, and finally got to pass over the films for her.

The right leg was less bothersome today, but still not good yet. I wonder how long it can take for a torn muscle to repair itself? I think it’s been about six days now?

Back to the flat and made a cuppa and got the laptop on to update this twaddle.

Feeling a bit weary again.

Facebooked some more and then made some fodder.

IMG_0027A simplistic nosh today.

Beetroots, sweet potato slices, one baked potato, halved and with cheese, and some cooked pork loin bread-thin sandwiches.

Rated this one 8.2/10.

Pottered about trying to find my walking stick ready for the morrow’s trip to the surgery. I knew I had it earlier IMG_0028when I got up?

When I did spot it in the kitchen, hanging on the curtain railing over the thermometer, I wondered how the heck I’d managed not to see it before?

Took my medications later than planned.

Made a cuppa, dropped the milk for the second time in the last few days.

Cleaned it up, swore some and then washed the pots up.

Nestled down to watch the TV, and that was the end of my interest in this particular Monday.

Zzzzz…

Inchcock Today Sun 14 Feb: Valentine Day?

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates, so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”

Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”

Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility, and you will help pay for it, or I will sue you for that amount.”

Lucifer: “Ha! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”

*****

Sunday 14 February 2016

Valentines Day – I expect to be busy! 01W01

Gave up trying to sleep. I arose around 0250hrs, got up, I passed wind, visited the porcelain, then made a cup of tea.

I found myself in a sombre mood for some reason or other. Perhaps the dreams had been of a particular melancholic nature? 

Another visit to the bathroom, this time, to use the throne. This revealed the agony and blood from the rear end Hemorrhoids to be of a tenderness and inflammability not known before!

Laptop on to start this diary, and when I sat down, I almost took off again with the surprise at the shock at the pain the little devils were giving me!

Oh, dearie me!

Settling down after a few minutes trying to arrange things between my rear-end and the cushion that was mutually agreeable to both, and not too painful: Another sudden involuntary escapage of wind developed, that felt a little risky. So I had to get up and go to visit the bathroom again to check things out. Then go through all the palaver again of re-settling in the least painful position possible. Tut!

Inchcock was not very happy at all at this stage of the day. Humph!

No chance of doing any of the plans of cleaning up yet.

I had hoped to get the kitchen done today, but the piles were preventing me from doing so; Well, the pain and bleeding from them every time I moved, sat down or passed any wind, were.

Horrible isn’t it? One thing after another. Hey-ho, never mind, looking back at some of the stupid stuff I did as a youngster, makes me think I deserve to suffer like this. Gloom and self-reproach dawned.

0400hrs: took the medications – the dosage pots will need doing later. This task I can manage I reckon, no bending involved. Of course, all I have to do now is remember the job need doing, and stay awake long enough to get it done. Hehe!

01W01a

Pretty scary eh?

I visited the bathroom again, to clean my teeth because the inside of my mouth felt, dry, furry somehow. More bother here.

On looking in the mirror (Something I like to keep to a minimum), I espied blotches all over me face, cracked lips and bleeding from inside and around the gums?

Was I rotting away? Haha!

Dispirited even more now, I spoke with myself and told me, “You can only expect these things at your age mate! With all your problems you’re lucky to be here, you should have croaked ages ago!” This did cheer me up a little.

I Considered changing the instructions for my gravestone wording to: “He Came, He Failed, He Went – It was cruel that he was allowed to come in the first place!” Hehehe!

I settled (gingerly and carefully) back into the chair at the laptop and finished yesterday’s diary off and posted it.

Started an Ode post, hoping it would sound amusing to anyone reading it like.

NCCwalk02Got it finished and posted.

The morning had shot by; it was gone 0700hrs already.

I think I might, after my bath, have a walk up into Woodthorpe Grange Park and see if I can find something decent to photographicalise?

The main event – the Bathing!

Fun was getting out of the bath today. Oh yes! The right leg was easier, but this didn’t stop it giving way on me as I tackled the job of standing up after my scrub and soak. Oh No! Then the task of actually getting me leg over (Not good at this) left me sprawled half-in-half-out of the tub, spreadeagled so as to speak. Eventually, I did manage to free myself only to bang the leg on the side of the bath as I did so. some surprising language burst forth, but I couldn’t resist seeing the funny side of it all.

Took the last of my Angina under-tongue lozenge. The GP is stopping them. 

Then I got Little Inchy well dried and the Betamethasone corticosteroid cream on his lesion. Phorpain gelled the knees ankles and hands. Cetraben creamed the marks on my face neck and arms. Applied the pile’s cream on me rear end.

I’ll be glad when they get around to doing the Haemorrhoidectomy, I think.

NCCwalk01Sorted out the medication into their time-related colour coded little dosage pots

All proof that here: that growing old can have just a few drawbacks. Hehe!

Then I got myself wrapped up well, and set off on my walk up to the park.

The weather was surprisingly good this morning. No rain, the winds had dropped at last, and the sun was out! The sky and clouds were bright!

NCCwalk02I went via the back route over the field. The climb was a bit dodgy underfoot, as the rain had not drained away. But the sight of the Bluebells forcing their way through the muddy soil cheered me up a bit.

NCCwalk03I hobbled up to the path, turned and took a photographicalisation of the Woodthorpe Court flats I’d departed from earlier. Then I walked along the road, and onto the grass (Bit dodgy again underfoot here) and down to the end of the park, to take a photograph of the full-size model of a train-engine front, cleverly added to the old entrance to a tunnel.

NCCwalk05I was sad to see that the yobboes had added some more graffiti around it.

Getting out from there was another task that needed care on my behalf. The soil and what bit of grass thereabouts were very wet and slippery.

Hey-ho, I managed to get back up to the footpath without any undo hiatus.

NCCwalk04Farther up the walkway, I took a photograph to the North of Nottingham, towards Mansfield and Sutton.

I don’t know if the detail will show in the distance on this shot, but it is virtually nearly all housing estates.

I stood and watched some of the locals with their dogs, all having a good time.

Although there were not that many out and about today, perhaps it was a little early?

Then made my way down the gravel path to the flats.

NCCwalk06The clouds in the sky looked amazing to me.

Got to the bottom of the hill and, Whoopsidangleplop; I hit me leg on one of the giant stones as I passed it.

I’ve flipping been in agony with it since.M

I had to catch it right on the torn muscle part didn’t I?

Humph and curse!

I limped up to the flat.

Took the medications. Laptop on, and updated this effort.

IMG_0026Got some fodder ready, took me a while and I got it wrong in places.

Lamb and veg stew, I added some gravy, but it had gotten a bit cold somehow? And when laying it out, I put the potato scones back in the oven to warm a bit longer and forgot about them.

Oh dear!

I was so tired and weary again. I did nothing of any value other than watching some A-Team videos in between nodding off and rewinding!

I’d forgotten how bad, yet funny they were.

Inchcock Today Sat 13 Feb 16:

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!”, he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!”, retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh no!”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?!”

Saturday 13 February 2016

01W04Another terrible night, a multitude of semi-repetitive dreams, none of which I can recall in any detail at all. Something about being in floods, canals and struggling to carry my bag of shopping?

Artist blogger and Cyber-friend, the lovely Lady Patti Beckert, was in there somewhere?

The sleep seemed to come in ten minute periods; I was waking up so often.

Gave up around 0400hrs, got up and visited the porcelain. Had to clean up the blood from the piles and poor Little Inchy, and then the bathroom where it had splashed all over the place in the process.

The mind was hard to concentrate on anything for some reason too.

The innards were beginning to rumble. Oh dear.

The torn muscle was I thought, a little easier. But of course, I hadn’t started doing any walking yet.

I hope the lifts are working today, I’ve got to get some laundry done. Well, that is if a machine is free, it being the weekend like.

Must get my computing pleasures finished ASAP today and get the laundry done, then get some much-needed cleaning and tidying up tackled.

Not feeling my usual self this morning. No singing to myself, my vivacity and gusto have abandoned me. Hehe!

So, I checked and responded to the one email. Made a cuppa and took the medications, and checked on Facebook.

Boat22 01Did some graphicationalising, and then got the laundry things ready.

Had a good soak in the bath and titivated myself.

I got down to the laundry room.

Good job the lifts were operational, I’m glad to say.

Got the washing in and going, then to the foyer to try and do me crosswords.

Stayed there, until the washing was completed. Transferred the clobber into the dryer.

Not many people about today.

I popped back up to the flat and got the things ready for my planned trip out to get some nosh.

Back down to the laundry room, machine finished, packed the togs into the bag. Cleaned the filter out, and back up and put the clobber away.

Out to the bus-stop, the right leg didn’t seem as bad as yesterday. Then I managed without any undo effort to get on the wrong bus.

By the time I got off of the bus in Sherwood, the leg was giving much grief again, so I decided to potter around Sherwood in the hopes of getting a small jug to use for me milk and some bread.

I limped over to Wilko’s to search for a jug. They did have some in, but they were over £3. Came out with a pack of disposable one-use small foil trays with lids that I could use in the oven cooking.

Called into the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, dropped off some bits, and looked fro a small jug. No luck.

IMG_0017Back up to the bus-stop, and found an L9 was due in 15 minutes, so I waited for it to arrive.

Back at the flats, I limped up and found a letter from the Government Pensions people; it had been forwarded from the old address. So I must get help in ringing them to inform them of my new address Monday.

Got the kettle on. Made a cuppa, and got my meal prepared.

IMG_0019The last of the boiled spuds, the last beef slice, the last of the chestnut mushrooms, the last of the Irish potatoes, some nice chestnuts and bread thins.

Now I’ve begun to master the gravy making, I used the water from the mushroom saucepan to make it with. Gorgeous!

Unfortunately, I continued eating and nibbling for the rest of the night as well!

Once again, the fatigue and weariness overcame me suddenly.

Dosing frequently now and nibbling often.

Woke up with stomach ache around 0245hrs, and stayed up.

Hey-ho!

Inchcock Today Thur 12 Feb 16: Not good

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Inchcock Today Friday 12 February 2016

Well well, fancy that now, I woke up in agony, but not with the right legs torn muscle that was not too bad at all, then again I hadn’t started walking about yet had I? But with the bad reflux valve! I think I’ve said this before, but if anyone opens a book on what I’ll snuff it from, put yer dosh on the Reflux Valve.

01W01aRecalled a bit of a dream I’d had from what kipping I got in. Lynton Cox, a good friend and cyber buddy, was leant over me, and he was taking bits out from my open stomach as I lay on what looked like a dentist’s chair. Each time he removed a piece of flesh, tubing or other meat, he would ‘Tut’ and explain to me why I had been put together wrongly? Then he threw it at the dart board on the wall? He was very accurate too, they all landed on the piece of innards extracted before over the Bull!  I vaguely recall something about being crammed into a giant test tube? That’s all I remember.

0300hrs I got up and to the porcelain, no big hiatus this morning. Little Inchy bleeding just a bit, the piles the same. However the putrid emissions of wind were lengthy, and even a slight little ‘plop’ escaping caused concern at the stink it created. Phoo! I imagined the headline: “286 pensioners found dead in their apartment building, the 287th survived…” Hehe!

Made a cuppa had a banana and took the medications.

Started the laptop and loaded CorelDraw… well, I tried to!

Whoopsiedangleplop number one of the day!

01W02Of course, it loaded then – but with the changes I had I’d made trying to get it to load, I had to spend hours doing the initial set-up again, because it loaded as if it was the first time it had been installed! All my options and customisation’s had to be reset! What a picklement!

Hey-ho; I’m just so glad it came back on. Although thoroughly bamboozled as to why it didn’t load in the first place, and why the McAffee thingy didn’t let me know there was a problem?

01WMade another cuppa and got on with doing the graphicalisation on the top left of this page.

Then I finished the Lynton graphic off.

I thought I might use it as a Caption Competition?

Then did some Facebooking.

It seemed like the computer foul-up had cost me nearly the whole day.

Although I had done nowt physical at all, I felt suddenly drained!

IMG_0016Set to work creating my dinner.

Beef pasty, green beans, boiled potatoes, beetroot, bread cake, and sweet potatoes and made some thick tasty gravy. n

Followed by a banana and lemon cheesecake.n

Rated this one 9.6/10. By gum I enjoy it!

Watched a Frost DVD, fell asleep. Woke up, put the TV on, fell asleep.n

Woke up with an open tub of sweets at my side?

Little Inchy bleeding again. Cleaned him up, de-matted him and ointmentationalised him.

Made a cuppa, fell asleep…