Inchcock Today: Tuesday 9th December 2014

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02T01tempAwake but uncommonly weary at 0445hrs.

WC.

Started the laptop. Waiting for t to start I tackled the stair down to make a good strong cuppa. gingerly returned up the stairs back to the now started laptop.

I’m weary on the stairs since my fall backwards on them going up them. T’was a dizzy spell not the arthritis that caused the fall. Tsk!

Took my medications, remembering to have the extra Warfarin tablet.

Coreldraw working well at the moment, laptop a little slow. But hey, it’s working!

Got up to WC and afterwards I dropped my bottle of hand cleaner right on me left foot’s corn! I couldn’t have hit it better if I’d aimed it at it…  I do believe I might have uttered a swear word.

L Greggs Did a bit of Facebooking. And a lot of graphicalisationing on Coreldraw… until it froze again.

Still, I did get a lot done and posted on Facebook. I posted an old graphic wot I dun to TFZ, I hope the TFZers like the humour.

Made a cuppa and pot of porridge with added honey! I bet David Cameron wishes he could live as well as wot I do yer know… maybe not?

IMG_0353

A lack of human beings in Carrington this morning – no yobs or dustbin raiders? Odd that!

IMG_0352Got missen cleaned up and semi-presentable and Painphor gelled me knees for me walk into Sherwood’s Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, then hopefully into Bulwell for some nosh and feed the ducks.

Got the Nottingham Hospice shop thing, bus-pass, nibbles etc ready in bag.

Set out from the house taking a picture of the street.

Walked to the end of the street turned left to St Johns church, then right into Church Drive.

Where at this point I had not seen another human being (Using the term lossely) at all! Were they all Christmas shopping or had the aliens attacked and took em without anyone telling me? Hehe!

As I crossed the drive and a car ame passed that made me jump a tad that I realised I’d not got me hearing-aids in!

Back to the bomb-site and put em in and set off again…

Now realising how cold and biting the wind was this time I caught a bus into Sherwood – bless the pensioners free bus-pass issue!

02T03

Etched graffiti on the new bus seating”

Dropped te stuff off at the shop and caught a bus into town.

I observed as I sat there with me crossword book successfully failing to solve a single clue that the plastic seating in front of me had been graffitied, on looking around many seats on the new bus had been mistreated in a similar way.

I considered sending an email to Cameron asking if the punishment could fit the crime and the vandals should be scratched over the forehead with a Stanley knife with the words ‘Antisocial dick-head’?

But then of course this would mean that MPs would have to have the words ‘Liar, nepotist, nihilist and expense fiddler put on their heads…? (Hehe) So perhaps not eh?

I got into town and called in the cheapo shop to get some Lion bars for myself this time to nibble when I get depressed… I bought 8 bars at 4 for a quid, good value but I noticed they were very low on stocks and bought  the last on show. Tsk!

Caught the bus into Bulwell for yet another interesting journey. For the fact that (I think) there were three people on mobiles at the same time, a woman with three kids talking away in what I think were different languages. Cosmopolitan Nottingham eh?

No problem with that at all – if only each one had not been shouting down the phones! Loud mobilers do get on me tits a bit in any language I mean.

02T04

Dumped shopping trolleys in the river Leen. Only one person here – the other would be shop-lifting or mugging for Christmas I expect?

I think maybe they were competing with each other for some reason to see who could talk the loudest?

Dropped off the bus and walked straight to the shop to get some bread for the mallards.

Then over to the river Leen (In a different spot this time) and immediately the mallards seagulls and pigeons arrived around me.

02T06b

There must be some therapy from feeding the mallards and pigeons that I do not comprehend – but enjoy it?

I noticed that the locals had decorated the river with shopping trolleys near the bridge – so artistic these apprentice-yobbies and vandals here you know!

I wish I’d got more bread now. I used all the bird-seed I had with me as well and later bought another bag in readiness for me next visit.

I called in Iceland to get some Warburton thins and some pulled pork cobs. It’s the first time I’d seen these and as they were on offer at 89p I treated missen.

02T06Turned out I liked them despite there being a hot flavour relish in them. No idea what flavour, but I enjoyed it later in the day wishing I’d got more of em.

Went in Fultons next and they had some large boxes of biscuits also at 89p, so I got a couple so I could give em to the nurses as nibbles later.

02T05Had a wander around the market for a while – observing the aggressive nature of the locals, and the amount of dangerous people in mobility scooters again. Overall the populace appeared brusque and unhappy for some reason?

I caught the bus back to the hoppit as the rain started and at least the biting wind dropped en route.

WC.

Got in and out me things away, INR Warfarin level results had come through the letter-box.

Much better this time 3.4, almost spot in for once!

Made a cuppa and ate me pulled pork cob while  watched DeNiro and Stallone’s DVD called Grudge Match.

I surprisingly enjoyed what I saw of it – repeatedly – as I kept nodding off despite my wanting not to. The rewind button on the new DVD player got well used!

Eventually I gave up and drifted off…

I woke up with a start at 2325hrs. WC’d. Started the laptop then went down and made a cuppa.

Returning and imported the pictures and finished this post around 0130 hrs.

Did some Facebooking and blog reading.

Inchcock Today: Monday 8th December 2014

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01M01Monday 8th December 2014

Woke around 0450hrs.

WC.

Laptop on and working, did posts for the League of Mental Men and Inchcock blog sites.

Checked ‘Little Inchy’ when I scrubbed him up, no blood! I think it is moderately safe now to say after 9 weeks, he’s healing up is almost complete… or should I have said that? Oh dear…

Washed and titivated meself and assembled things for me trip to the Queens Medical Centre Haematology for INR Warfarin level tests.

Card, bus-pass, camera, specs, long-johns on, gloves, hearing-aids in etc.

01M03Set off on my hobble into town and the sky that was so threatening yesterday morning was less daunting, although obviously holding some rain I thought.

Cold wind again but not so strong.

As I approached the Hucknall Road junction, I was taking out my camera to film the sky from the same angle as yesterday when a very loud bang was hear.

I could see passengers in the buses and car drivers looking around – but I could not find what caused the noise.

It sounded very close to me… but with my hearing who knows? A clear bang if that is the word to use?

01M02Another mystery of Nottingham life? I didn’t hear owt about it on the news later.

I carried on me walk up Mansfield Road (0940hrs approx) and the traffic was queuing already on its slow way into town.

A walked through ic bus station and into Victoria Centre to get some Lion bars from the cheapo shop. Four for a pound yer know…

01M04Caught the bus out to the hospital… what a driver I’m sure his intention was to cripple as many passengers as possible… or the brakes had just been serviced?

Still, we free bus-pass merchants mustn’t complain.

As I entered the frontage, I noticed a Christmas tree had been placed in the centre spot in the middle of the road so all those ward windows would allow the patients to see it?

Big queue at the Haematology Dep’t, but I’d took me crossword book so it didn’t matter.

Next time I’ll take a pen as well!

01M03aWhen I got in and I got done I gave the nurses their nibbles to which I’d added a few chocolate liqueurs to cheer em up and thank em for Christmas.

On my way out I noticed the rain had started to fall and stayed under cover a few minutes until it lessened a tad… a good job I did.

Cause I’d left one of me bags behind in the waiting area at the haematology, so limped as quickly as I could back there to find this man and woman going through the contents. They were looking for some identification they said, and handed over me bag when I told them the contents.

01M05I can’t take myself anywhere nowadays… Tsk!

As I came out of the hospital again, I looked down at the lower level and noticed the queue of cars for the car park was not moving, and some cars had been parked on the chevrons and double yellow lines. I should imagine this would be overlooked while all the tram works were hampering things.

01M01bThe new tram bridge into the compound was being inched into place in this photo from the Nottingham Post paper.

I caught a bus to town but it was a Broad Marsh bus, not the city centre – lethal for me finances that – I had to hobble passed three DVD shops… oh dear… Ans Lorna from the Troll Free Zone had recommended a film called UP – so naturally I called in to see if they had it in stock…

01M06I came put of the shopping centre with ‘The Expendables 3’, ‘All Creatures Great and Small full series’ and ‘Grudge Match’.

Then walked to Marks and Sparks to see if they had any headphones. They didn’t.

I continued on me walk to town in the drizzle, and noticed outside the 24hour McDonald’s was a street artists looking rather glum poor devil. He’d been working making a dog and cat entwined representation in sand and the rain had ruined it. Felt so sorry for him I gave him a quid anyway.

01M07I poddled up exchange walk, not easy with the crowds motorbility scooters, Big issue sellers and people on pushbikes… and got to the top eventually without injury and took a photo of the Winter Wonderland stalls, with all the happy cheerful friendly people (Lie detected!)

The background of the old Prudential building looked grand against the skyline.

I limped up and caught a bus back to Carrington and the flea-pit.

WC.

01M08Had to sort me medication dose pots anew.

All colour coded mind… good stuff yer know. Took me flipping ages to do.

Laptop started, had me nosh while I waited for it to start…

Blow me no internet connection again… bloody BT! So much for them convincing me to go on fibre and how it will be faster more reliable… and they said no extra cost, then the prices went up after I’d been on it for 1 week! It’s the French yer know, they own it… I think?

It came on after a few resets and rebooting the latop… Huh!

Set about finishing this Diary, then did some facebooking and blog reading.

TTFN all…

Inchcock Today: Sunday 7th December 2014

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07Su01

Temp Today

Sunday 7th December 2014

I was bolt upright at 0440hrs – mind racing and with an unconscious desire to get the laptop and internet going ASAP to record something (presumably either an idea for a post on the blog or record a dream I’d had) I assume.

I started the laptop first thing, while it was loading I WC’d and made a cup of tea (Not at the same time mind!).

I returned upstairs with me medications to take and cuppa… but the mind had lost whatever it was that I had earlier intended to record into the ether.

Damned annoying that was! I spent a few moments trying to claw back the memory I’d lost without any luck. Tsk!

I realised that ‘Little Inchy’ was not feeling sore and tender as usual and thought ‘Oh dear, he’s not bleeding is he?’

Had a grope to find the little shrunken mite and checked – No, okay! Phew!

The new cheapo headphones I purchased yesterday only worked in one ear-hole and were not effective or powerful enough for me to listen to the radio or DVD with.

Hey-ho, hey-ho, its failure yet again I know,

But I’m used to suffering with this scenario,

 If there is an afterlife and I hope there’s not,

Will I have to reveal my failures of this life’s lot?

Can I tell of me fear and confusion with mankind?

I wish sometimes my life I could rewind,

But what then would I realise and find?

Would I still be thick and colour-blind?

And slowly found to be again losing my mind?

The reason for my doing this ditty, I’ve yet to find!

07Su02

Graphic that Inchy’s confused brain created this morning… sad innit!

Worked on the graphics for this for a long time and drifted off into a world of my own where things were better for a while.

Then I woke up shivering and laughed at myself as I went to the WC and stubbed me toe on the way against the oil heater.

Still stubbornly refusing to get up at 0805hrs!

Had a bash at Facebook then. No guilt found!

Did a quiz thingy on how old do you sound like – it came back with the result that I Sounded like an Eighteen year old?

 Eventually I forced myself to go out into the cold windy day.

07Su04

A foreboding sky welcomed me on my little walk

 Out into the world…

07Su03bAs I left the flea-pits front door I looked to the left took a photo, then to the right and took a photo up and down the street – note the lack of people?

Eerie!

Had there been a dirty bomb dropped and i was the only survivor thanks to me medications wot I was on?

07Su03aFunny how easily off thought permeate the mind at times innit?

I poddled down to Mansfield Road fighting to stay uprightish against the bitter wind.

There was not a bird of any description seen on all of me wanderings?

Alfred Hitchcock came to mind…

07Su03As I turned the corner at the end of the street I took the photo of the sky at it momentarily turned dark foreboding and threatening.

Still not many folk about, just the one woman on her way back from Lidl.

On the row of shops down Mansfield Road, the only ones open were the Fish and Chip/Kebab/Restaurant/Burger shop and the Doctors Orders Mini-Bar Pancho’s.

07Su05I wandered up and down the way a bit, and decided to risk going to the get some food from Pancho’s… what a fool!

Limped back to the dump and consumed (Rather bravely I thought after looking at the fodder I’d bought!) the nosh.

It were ‘orrible!

I got one of the other headphones that I got yesterday and tried to get them working on the DVD – crap! Tsk!

Fell asleep earlier than normal after taking me medications.

A dark, dank, overcast night… out in the wilds with Security Guard Inchcock!

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Inchcock’s Security Career Woes

A dark, dank, overcast night… out in the wilds!

It was a dark, dank, overcast night, with a roving light mist coming and going, interspersed with a get-you-soaking-wet light drizzling rain.

I was assigned to a site that was about 14 miles out of Nottingham, in the unforgiving countryside, with nothing but the bats, fox’s and the occasional escaped pig from the nearby farms to talk to.

A large site, a factory, storage sheds, garage, an annexe, offices, farm vehicle storage field, HGV parking lot, and a lot of unsecured fencing.

Woes

 

I was achieving my usual full job satisfaction, as I patrolled the main building, the annexe, the 43 parked up lorries, the millions of pounds worth of new farm machinery, the main annexe ¼ of a mile down the country lane, completed my 18 swipe points, as I then tripped over the crumbling pathway that was immersed in rainwater, then nearly slipped over on the muddy course grass rain-filled ditch, the wild grass was so long it hid the craters and holes scattered all over the site.

I checked the vehicle wash, and then the fuel station, (swiping my last point) and turned to start my return marathon to the main building and my dust covered, waterless, windowless, holes in the floor-board ridden guard base.

About half way back up the hill, ducking to avoid an owl or a bat or whatever it was that dived bombed at me, I noticed a torch light coming from the middle of the sewerage field at the back of the transport offices – now, I had a quandary!

Although already in a state, should I actually go over the ditch and into the field to find out what was going on?

I decided I could not dismiss this possible sign of attempted intrusion, being the professional I am. (Ahem)

I positioned myself behind the porta-cabins, and decided the ditch was easy enough to jump over into the field, and it was too – the only problem was I had not seen the barbed wire on the other side – until I landed in it!

After extricating myself and most of my trousers from the barbed wire, I jumped back over the ditch – and to this day – the memory of that shoe dropping into the sewerage ditch as I leapt, then sinking out of sight, never to be seen again, made me glad it was only the shoe and not me!

I hobbled back to the guard base, cleaned up the wounds with the last of my bottled water, and used up the last few plasters from my cars first aid kit – as the fire alarm activated!

So, one shoe on and one shoe off, I investigated, only to find the ‘Bale area’ sprinklers had activated, and found myself paddling through about 8 inches of very cold water, but no fire was found.

The alarm panel reset OK, and I unblocked the drains to allow the water to slowly draw away, taking my last few plasters that had been soaked off of my bleeding legs along with it!

So back to depressing guard base to complete the by now, several incidents reports that needed doing.

While doing this, I put my bleeding feet and legs up on a tatty broken chair, in an effort to slow down the bleeding, when I heard the sound of the horn sounding from an approaching vehicle at the main gate.

I hobbled out through the factory, into the yard, limping down to the gate to give admission to the Night Manager, Mr Collins, who was very annoyed to find out I had no water to make him a cup of coffee!

But this didn’t prevent him from carrying out his duty of care obligations in question to my injuries, as soon as he’d stopped laughing he passed wind, then he offered his worldly advice as such: “‘Ave that looked at leg when yer gerra day off, un don’t forget to do an incident report (I’d just handed him all three, 5 minutes earlier).

Concerned for how I would drive home safely with no right boot on, we searched around and found one old right footed, rock hard, smelly old trainer shoe in the rubbish bin in the showers, and I drove home with a wet muddy left hand boot on, and a rock hard right footed trainer.

The lost boot was never seen again!

Just another normal day for Security Guard Inchcock really!

Inchcock Today: Saturday 6th December 2014

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Saturday 6th December 2014

06St0001Blooming cold last night…brrrr!

Gordon Bennett -6ºC  23ºF this morning!

Slept in late, feeling lackadaisical.

WC.

Tried in vain to remember the dreams I knew I’d had and not enjoyed. Can’t even remember bits of any, just the emotions frustration, fear and failing?

Made cuppa and took medications later than I should have – but the sleeping late prevented me from doing it on time – not sleeping like. Taking me medication on time… which I didn’t.

WC.

Facebooked for hours and enjoyed it too making graphics while Coreldraw9 still lets me.

Gone ten when I got up and stirred meself into lethargy (Hehe).

Must get some cheapo replacement headphones to replace the ones I sat on and broke yesterday. (Tsk!)

Taking camera with me (If I remember too) to take some photos on m wanderings.

WC.

Has a good scrub up, teggies and shave applied me pain-gel, Haemorrhoid creams, a quick squirt of ‘Brute’ and checked on ‘Little Inchy’ – no blood that’s good, but the poor little mite was sore and tender-ended.

06St001

Still frozen at 1130hrs!

Long-Johns on today and long woollen socks.

Got my stuff together and set off on me walk into town.

As I left the house, bearing in mind it was by now well gone 1130hrs and the sun had been shining for a while although still bitterly cold, I took a picture of the car parked outside the flea-pit with its windscreen still well frozen over with ice!

06St002

So pretty – but blooming cold!

Rang Sister Jane en-route to see how they are. Busy as usual dining out, Shows to visit, Meetings to attend etc.

As I was nearing the college on Mansfield Road I thought how wonderful the sun and sky looked despite the bitter cold and took a photo of it.

I walked through the bus-station into the Intu Victoria Shopping Centre top level.

06St003

Vic Centre Tree

Very busy as to be expected… but the ambience was not good, many sad irritable and angry looks on people’s faces.

I plodded through to the end out and down to the Wilko shop below to see if they had any headphones I might purchase.

They had a decent range to choice from, not that I was any the wiser for reading the instructions on the packets like.

06St005

CPO Checking on rogue-traders

So I bought the cheapest one with in-the-ear plugs.

I then walked down Clinton Street, where the police had a CPO on duty chatting to a stallholder. I assume she was there to keep an eye on the rogue street traders that have been in the local news.

Took a photo of both ways as I joined Clinton Street, a decent crowd of irritable, spitting, swearing Nottinghomians.

06St006

Broad Marsh Centre

Made my way through to the Intu Broad Marsh Shopping Centre via Bridlesmith Gate. I wanted to take a photo of the gallery there but the crowds were too dense. (If you see what I mean? Hehe)

As I got of the escalator I saw a man pulling a puppy on a lead that couldn’t keep up with him due to the polished flooring and he kept yanking the lead making the dog yelp and was swearing at it. I called out to him without thinking but he just ignored me. I couldn’t keep up with him.

06St008

Winter Wonderland

06St10

Winter Wonderland

06St009

Winter Wonderland

Bothered me that did, so much for Christmas Spirit?

I hobbled into the 99p shop and had a wander round, coming across some headphones of the same make and model of those I’d just paid £1.89 for at Wilko. So I got a pair, along with some behind the ear ones at the same price.

Some nibbles for the nurses on Monday, and then walked to the end of the centre and put and into town.

Many street artists were present again including near to C&A the Salvation Army had a group of six belting out the Christmas tunes.

Very good they were too.

So I dropped a £2 coin in a blokes collection pot.

I then walked into the City Centre to take some photographs of the Winter Wonderland Fayre and ice-rink. It was very busy.

No one else seemed to notice the shop-lifters being taken out from Primark to the police car.

The hot food stalls were doing well enough.

Even the horse ride had plenty of folk on it.

06St007

Somewhere in the crowds is the little Salvation Army band playing away

The ice-rink was full as well.

Plenty of fallers to see while I was trying to take a photo.

I fought me way through the crowds and escaped the crush without injury and made my was up King Street towards the bus-stop.

06St11

Upbeat Jazz

As I turned the corner a group of four foreign looking chappies were giving us a bit of upbeat jazz with one of them dancing away.

They were good too.

I caught the bus home and dropped off at the Co-op to get some bread then back to the hoppit.

WC.

Made some sandwiches.

Tried the headphones (The 99p behind the ear ones) but they weren’t loud enough for me dodgy ears to listen to words without missing any and struggling.

Still, I could just hear Nat King Cole singing while I updated this Diary and gorrit posted.

Took me medications at 1700hrs and did some blog reading and facebooking fer a bit.

WC.

A very slight involuntary escapage of wind caused me to adopt the usage of the air freshener… twice!

Inchcock Today: Friday 5th December 2014

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05F001

I awoke with a deep sense of apprehension at 0445hrs.

05F01

This is me scrawled scribble wot I found this morning

I’d had a long sleep for me, but apparently dream filled again.

Noticed a scribbled note from myself about dreams, that I could not remember writing?

WC’d

Stated laptop and went down put kettle on and went out and moved the bins ready for collection. Returned made a cuppa and back in the bathroom took me medications then consulted the mysterious notes.

GC blipvin

Tried to make sense of them, some I could remember bits of and why I’d scrawled the word/s, others left me bamboozled as to why.

Written: Metal boat alone lost sinking?

Memory of: I seem to have been in a massive ship on a big river – think it was trying to dock somewhere but kept sinking? Searching for someone? Fear?

Written: Fencing,  Ice cream?

Memory of: Nothing at all.

Written: Underground bunker, soldiers, girl, bombs, hula- hoop?

Memory of: Very little… Many families huddled together, death, hidden, being chased? Children?

Written: Mazes, metal runways, no escape?

Memory of: Seem to remember running along pathways being chased and trying to protect someone?

Written: Shame, disgrace, frustration, tomato soup, writing, being laughed at, prodded by walking stick?

Memory of: This one I could relate too and remember bits of fairly well. I was at a desk in a submarine trying to write (with a quill I think) but I could not for some reason.

Then I was in a bath of tomato soup on the deck of an oil tanker that had thousands of illegal immigrants swimming in the oil in the holds, and none of the crew would listen to my pleas to get them out? I decided I’d write a letter to Lynton Cox (Cyber-friend) about it? By now I was using an old typewriter and the ink ran out, so I stood on top of the mast and did some semaphore signing with flags to tell the world of the problem… as I fell off the mast I found myself in a class-room sat alone with dozens of tutors/teachers coming in and prodding me with walking sticks and telling me I was… wait for it… ‘An obnoxious old coffin ready pillock’!

Later, I think it was part of the same dream, I was having an autopsy done on me and couldn’t speak to the tell the butcher in his blue and white apron that I was still alive… then a few people came in and started clapping?

Make some sense of that someone please diagnose this for me.

Written: Driving a bus, running over people, no ticket, shooting, loud kids?

Memory of: No memory of this at all.

Written: Fire, flames, smoke, Parliament?

Memory of: All I can remember is I had a gas mask on and was trying to eat a Cornish pasty inside it, and a feeling of jubilation when I fired my water pistol?

I worked on this Diary post before I forgot the things  could remember.

Even now, minutes after typing this in and reading it back the memory is fading fast.

Although I feel in good spirits emotionally today, I’m coughing and the angina is bad again. I am feeling the cold so bad too today.

Managed to sit on my headphones – another thing to get tomorrow, providing I’m up to going out physically.

Spent hours doing graphics, blogging and Facebooking today, but didn’t go out anywhere.

Took me medications at 1655hrs.

So tired and cold.

Hey-ho.

Inchcock Arrested at Benefits Office

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GC Jamas01A retired Nottingham pensioner and former unemployed independent Bra Fitter and adjuster Juan Inchcock attended an interview in his response to an application for an increase in his benefits at the Nottingham Social Services yesterday.

He arrived in plenty of time and had to wait for his interrogator Office Assistant Manager Mr Danny Soz to return from the local bar before the security guard led him into the office for the interview. He’d still got his pyjamas on, but no one seemed to notice this for a while, then they supplied him with some clothes from the local Salvation Army stores.

The meeting soon turned into a farce of mammoth dimensions with the first question and answer:

Mr Soz: “Sit down mate… ‘hic’ un tell me yer lies now!

Inchcock: “Lies! How do you know!”

WD04danny

Mr Soz, the rather unconventional Nottingham Benefits Assistant Manager

Mr Soz: “I’ve bin on yer blog site mate – and you communicate wi that Mike Steeden don’t yer? Bound to be wrong un you are if yer gob-it wi that alcoholic dim-witted maniac!”

He bent down and spewed up in the waste-paper bin, farted and slowly focussed his eyes and continued blinkingly:

Mr Soz: “How much Pension are ye gerrin?”

Inchcock: “Well you must know surley, it’s on the computer innit?”

Mr Soz: “Yer, burram doing a post fer me Soz Satire at the moment… Belch! don’t wanna lose it like do I!”

Inchcock: “Oh, I’m sorry. I get state pension that’s all Mr Soz.

Mr Soz: Lying git! Passes wind.

Inchcock: “No I’m not!”

Mr Soz: “Ain’t yer?

Inchcock: “No!”

Mr Soz: “Oh an’ yer can’t manage then?”

Inchcock: “Gerrin’ food is gerrin’ ‘arder like wiv the prices going up like!”

Mr Soz: “Poor git… just eat less then… any other problems like?”

Inchcock: “I can’t gerabout very well,as yer see wiv me walking stick and arthritic knees un ‘ands yer see?

Mr Soz: “Well I cun see yer walking stick, drop yer pants and show me yer arithmetic knees!”

Inchcock: “What?”

Mr Soz: “Go on, left have a look at em mate…” Belch.

Inchcock: “Oh… alright then urgh, argh… there they are, swollen misshaped multicoloured and bloody painful”

Mr Soz: “Hahaha… ‘ow cum yer walk on them then – yer gorhere alright on ’em didn’t yer?”

Inchcock: “Yer, wiv a struggle and a lot o’ pain like”

Mr Soz: “Why didn’t yer gerra a taxi here then?” Passes wind followed by “That’s berra awt thun in!”

Inchcock: “I can’t afford a taxi I don’t gerrenough benefits!”

Mr Soz: “Yer should ask em for more then you pillock!”

Inchcock: “That’s worrave come here to do innit?”

Mr Soz: “Wot?”

Inchcock: “Ask fer more benefits like”

Mr Soz: “Is it? I’ve got yer down as cummin’ in for a job interview like?”

Inchcock: “Wot?”

Mr Soz: “Only jokin’ cocker, I like to keep it light ‘earted like… hang on a sec…” He rolled up a Golden Virginia fag lit it and spat out some phlegm then got a bottle of Absinthe 179 Proof from his drawer and took a guzzle, then continued:

Mr Soz: “So, how many kids ‘ave yer got then?”

Inchcock: “None as far as I know.”

Mr Soz: “Ah… as far as yer know eh… I bet you’ve gorra few and don’t want to pay the Child Support Agency eh?”

Inchcock: “No actually I had cancer and they took away me chances of givin’ birth with the laser gun like”

Mr Soz: “So your armed! Should I call in the security guard then?”

Inchcock: “Why would yer do that?”

Mr Soz: “If yer are armed he likes a good tussle yer see and don’t get many usually nice lad he is, do yer know him?”

Inchcock: “No.”

Mr Soz: “Yer should get to know him, he’s a scream down the pub, has us all in stitches… and the few who don’t laugh at his jokes need stitches as well..hehe haha…” Belches

JS04gaz

Gaz Hoadley the kind Security Guard at the Benefit’s Office

Inchcock: “Look Mr Soz, what the hell are you talking abarght like?”

Mr Soz: “Gaz Hoadley the security guard, grand chap he is!”

Inchcock: “Why?”

Mr Soz: “He’s witty, likes to help others, he’s got a massive elephant of a…”

Inchcock interrupts Mr Soz: “When I asked why… I meant why are you talking about the security guard in the first place, not why he’s a great chap!”

Mr Soz: “You’ve lost me now – what’s yer name agen?”

Inchcock: “Look ‘ere mush… if yer ain’t gonna gimmee any extra help just say so for Gawd’ ns sake!”

Mr Soz: “I’ll see worra can do then, hang on Inchy… oh I did remember your name.”

With this he left the office and returned an hour later and with a smile he put out his hand to shake hands with Inchcock and said:

Mr Soz: “Good mornin’ and what can I do fer you then?”

Inchcock: “Giz a monkey!”

Mr Soz: “We don’t gi animals away yer know!”

Inchcock: “Where the ‘eck ‘ave yer bin to?

Mr Soz: “Well last year me un Gilly the missus like, went to France for a week, then we ‘ad a fortnight in Hammersmith…”

Inchcock: “No no… I’ve ‘ad enuff, I’m off… sorry to have bovvered yer!”

Mr Soz: “No trouble mate I’m here to help…”

NP04At this point Inchcock launched himself at Mr Soz, who managed to deflect him with a nifty left hook that crumpled Inchcock in a heap on the floor.

He pressed the panic alarm and in ran Gaz the security guard who threw the prostate body of Inchcock about the room a few times then lifted him up and bit into his neck while laughing maniacally.

The police followed and they tackled Inchcock, tasered him and dragged him out to the waiting black maria.

At least Gaz the security guard had a good day.

Inchcock Today: Thursday 4th December 2014

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

 Thursday 4th November

04Th01a

Warmer today

Up and active at 0145hrs.

WC’d and checked ‘Little Inchy’ – not too tender and  no blood!

Went and made a cuppa and returned laptop on and updated yesterdays Diary. I had intended to do this last evening, but the fact that I was knackered from me standing around and being out late caused the onset of weariness and me falling asleep. Hehe.

Did some facebooking and blogging then started creating some graphics for me posts later.

WC’s and made another cuppa.

At 0600hrs, took me medications remembering to take me extra Warfarin and back to the graphicalisationing.

A bit warmer this morning than yesterday – but I can hear the wind a-blowing outside.

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set of on a walk to Sherwood.

WC’d.

Dropped the stuff off, and caught a bus to town.

And what an interesting trip it turned out to be…

The bus was almost full when I got on, I had to sit on a drop-down seat in the ‘Buggy Bay’. By the time it had travelled two more stops, we gained a woman with on of those massive for wheeled shopping trolleys, another with one of those help you walk 3 wheelers with brakes, and two women with prams! I moved to stand and a young man gave me is seat.

In two of the four disabled/elderly person’s seat were two young ladies – well…

Nobody could pass the tubby woman with her square 4 wheeler shopper to get off or on the bus – then one of the senior citizen suggested the big lady moves her trolley, so the lady with the 4 wheeler could get hers out from blocking movements – then it started, the two ladies with kids in prams launched a verbal attack on the woman who suggested the other two women move their trolleys, erroneously I might add, I think they misunderstood what the old dear was saying, the two trolley ladies had a go… it got quite analogous at times.

Eventually the two ladies with the trolleys did what the old dear suggested and all the problems were solved!

A bit of indignation, puffing and huffing were muttered – but no blood drawn!

In town I nipped in the cut-price shop and got some Lion bars, then caught the bus to Beeston. I wanted to go see if the little shop where I bought some excellent butter from last year were still selling it.

Tram works en-route delayed the journey a good while, but luckily that didn’t faze Grumpy old Inchcock at all.

04Th03When we arrived in what used to be Beeston Square, the tram works were surrounding everything – and the little shop was now just a pile of a few bricks opposite the Tesco store (See photo).

I had a pop in the B&M cheapo store but thee was nothing I fancied in stock, so put back the basket and left going to the bus-station. The odd look I got from the security guard did not faze me at all, in fact I was hoping he would approach me because I knew him from years ago at Sawley Security – I imagine he would still be the same idle thick personage he was then.

So I got another bus back into Nottingham through the tram works again and then one out to Bulwell, taking a picture through the bus window.

The journey to Bulwell was a tad interesting for a while as I could hear a woman shouting down her mobile to whom I presumed would have been her Mother. Seems she was going to eat out tonight and bring her some fish and chips back after the Bingo session… If that bloody &(/>! dog started barking again tonight she is going to throw hot water over the fence… Marks & Spencers have some Slim-jams (Whatever they are) but they are too expensive… If her benefit cheque arrives put it in the side drawer … and she’s paid the loan off this morning!

There was more, but that’s all I can remember. I was a little sad when she had to get off the bus really. Hehe!

04Th04Dropped off in Bulwell and noticed that the Lion pub was now called the Lion Revived and had been renovated nicely. Took a photo… noticed they had England flags hanging up outside. Risky that nowadays, surely we can no longer claim to be English can we? Unless they had them up for the football perhaps?

I meandered into the cheapo food shop but didn’t get owt.

04Th05I wandered into Farm Foods and got cheapo bread for the mallard ducks.

I wandered down the pedestrian road to the river and took a photo that depicts how sad and depressed the folk looked today.

As I crossed the Market Place, an elderly lady dropped her shopping bag, and it was really funny, even at the time the both of us struggling to get down and back up again 04Th06collecting her stuff and re-bagging it.

Nice lady, thanked me and she poddled off cheerfully enough bless her. Just a shame no one else offered to help her.

 I hobbled on the River Leen and fed the avaricious ducks and pigeons, but the seagulls got a good bit of the bread before the ducks could. Hey-ho, yer can’t blame em.

04Th06bI enjoyed a few moments stood leaning against the bridge wall and letting my mind wander back to 1962 when I used to work in the Market Place at Marsdens Stores. Many memories came flooding back of how it was then and how very contented I was. Ah well…

Got to the bus station and caught a 17 back to Carrington.

Yet again a bit of interest on this journey today too – a poor woman could not stop coughing, the poor dear had a rasping smokers-like cough and boy was it loud. I almost said something when a couple of people started ‘tutting’ when the old dear coughed. Some people eh?

04Th07As we passed the City hospital I noticed how the houses from part of the Council Housing Estate that rises up and back a bit looked like they might be of interest to some of my American cyber-friends, so I took a photo of them. Didn’t come out like I wanted though, Tsk!

Got off the bus and walked back to the flea-pit.

WC’d.

Took some bags out to the bins.

Pottered about and made some nosh.

Could I find me mobile? After a marathon search I found it.

Then could I find me reading glasses – searched for ages and was getting a little uptight with missen – naughty words were spoken!

Started the laptop, then had another search for my glasses.

Naturally I found them in the airing cupboard… yes a bit worrying but at least I found them so I could update and post this on the web.

I rang Brother-in-law Pete, and he says his legs are alright after his exertions on the ice yesterday.

Huh!

WC’d.

Inchcock Today Wed 3rd December14

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

03W1logo

Wednesday 3rd  November

03W1thermGot up 0540hrs and WC’d. ‘Little Inchy’ tender but no blood whatsoever! So I did not apply any of the diminishing stock of Betamethasone corticosteroid cream.

Went down and made a cuppa, returned and took me medications as the laptop started for me to do yesterdays Diary and get it posted.

It is damned cold this morning, in the kitchen the thermometer read -1c!

How the folk in America are coping with their cold weather amazes me.

The angina started playing up again.  I must ask the doctor if she can put me back on the under-tongue tablets thingies again. I can’t remember why she took me off of them now. But there was a good reason I’m sure.

The INR level results came back. Now at 1.9 (Target 3.5), still better than last week when t was 1.4 so going the right way.  I imagine many folk on Warfarin have the same confusing up and down results without ever finding out why? Or being able to control it.

Did some Facebooking after dong the Diary post.

Created some graphics for Troll Free Zone and later use in blogs. Coreldraw9 behaving well at the moment?

Going to see brother-in-law Pete at 1400hrs dong his skating at the rink in the Nottingham City Centre Winter Wonderland display.

Good heavens it’s gone down to minus -2c now!

Got missen washed and brushed up and set off on the bus to town. Talking of buses, there were so many in town they clogged the roads… ah of course… Christmas shoppers eh? I’m quick yer know.

03W4000Walked into the slab square and met Pete near the ice-rink thingy.

The skating sessions were of 45minutes.

The Prices:

Adults 12 & Over – £8.50

Under 12’s – £6-50

03W401Students/Senior Citizens – £6.50

Disabled – £7.50

Penguin Hire (Trainer sled) – £3.00

Pete thought the prices were reasonable, reckoned they were a tad high. But then again Pete is a lot richer than I am (Not due to his working, he retired at 59) bequeathed money yer know, better looking than me, fitter than me, he can Ice-skate and I can’t, he’s taller and less fatty than me, better looking than wot I am, attracts the women like flies to a dustbin, he’s got more and better… Oh dear I lost the plot there, sorry about that.

Jealous? Me? Huh… Yes! But he’s a great bloke really.

We had to wait a while for them to titivate the ice between sessions, and i took the opportunity while Pete was frothing at the mouth over the young lady in the payment booth, to go to the library to return my book.

03W3librWalked up the hill and into the library but could not find where to return the book? So I asked at the reception area and the lady pointed behind me to where I just walked into the place, and the two five foot long and 18inch high green and white signs, each above a large letter box opening that read ‘RETURNS’.

Oh I do feel a fool at times!

There was the most amazing little bench in the Children’s section, looked like a folded book – brilliant I thought.

03W403

Pete having an occasional rest – usually when a female was near-by I noticed!

I returned to the Ice-rink, and it was still a good while before they were allowed on the ice-rink, but out they came with Pete posing for the females and checking around as he slowly began on the ice.

It didn’t take him long t find his skates so as to put it, and he was off like a good un.

03W404Occasionally he’s come over to me, then he’s be off again.

I managed to take many photographs, but not me best because I had to be sharpish as, do you know, the skaters were moving. Hehe!

The arthritis was getting worse all the time I stood around – not helped by the fact that this morning (for the first time ever) I’d 03W406forgotten to rub me pain gel into the knees. Tsk and double Tsk!

Annoyed with missen I got a bit niggly.

Pete really enjoyed himself on the ice,

Never mind the very high price,

Seeing him happy was very nice,

03W405

Brother-in-law Pete in action on the ice.

Enjoying himself out on the ice.

I hope he doesn’t have too many aches in the morning. Even if he does, I think he’ll reckon it was worth it for so much fun.

Afterwards we walked to Argos where between us we managed to read the small print in the catalogue and purchased a stand alone diddy DVD player to replace the one I trod-on. (I know, I know!)

Pete wanted to get some stuff from Aldi so I tagged (limped) along with him, which was fatal for the money in me pocket.

We plodded into Victoria centre where Pete bought some shampoo on offer, for Jane I thought.

We parted, and I hobbled in great pain to the bus-stop and caught one back to Carrington, very weary indeed and I’d not been ice-skating!

WC’d.

Made some sarnies and stayed awake just long enough to get the DVD working okay… then fell asleep watching the first DVD tested ‘Primeval’.

Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!

/ Inchie / 8 Comments
NAT02jobs

Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.

I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.

26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.

“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”

At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and  spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”

“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.

“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element      £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?

He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.

I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.

He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.

Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.

Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.

Nat03shop

Nat04mike

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!

Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.

“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”

He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”

Nat05GG

Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!

Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.

After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.

Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.

Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.

As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.