That needs explaining, please?
This photographicalisation, possibly of an AA meeting, Poetry Appreciation Society or a Bring Back Communism Support Group, is in desperate need of explanation and descriptive interpretation, please.
I fank you.
I Fank You, TTFN
Forgive this little ditty; I know it’s not got class or erudition,
I know it’s a bit of an uneducated disquisition,
So this is the position of my exposition.
The fight to extract my mass from the chair each morning,
The £300 second-hand recliner, it dangerous take-warning,
It’s a bit of a gamble, will be dead or functioning,
Will I get out in time for my ablutionising?
Usually not, so follows medicationalising and sanitising!
Take the tablets, do the medical checks too,
Important this, when one’s decrepit and seventy-two,
BP, temperature, pulse, just a few you have to do,
Creams, lotions, pain gel and new aches for you,
Hospital, doctors, clinic and chiropodist appointment due?
Check what day it is, or you won’t have a clue!
There’ll be plenty of things for you to misconstrue,
Things to forget, not remember, it makes you feel blue,
Getting things wrong is easy like you’re on Autocue,
Leave the tap running, heater or lights, there’s more than a few!
From decision making, you will find you eschew,
The red Gas Bill demand will be overdue,
What day and time is your next health assessment interview?
Singing to yourself, ‘Jealousy’ and ‘A Boy named Sue’,
Knowing the words surprises you,
But you won’t remember, what’s needed next to do,
The name of your neighbour or grandnephew,
The number bus you need or when it is due,
Or, where you put the letter from the Inland Revenue.
Try to find your hearing aids, pen or glasses, but you cannot,
Get people’s names wrong and feel a right clot,
Forgetting where you were going, you’ll do that a lot,
Or getting there, no idea why and lose the plot,
Dropping things all the time like the teapot,
Bottles, coins, medicines and anything hot,
Arriving at the surgery, and wondering for what?
Repeatedly telling folks the same thing like a parrot,
Most of what you utter will be complete tommyrot.
Falling asleep anywhere or time without any fuss,
Often in a waiting room or on the bus,
Waking up at the depot, feeling ridiculous,
You’ll find your hands and fingers less dexterous,
Delicate parts of your body become fugacious,
Redundant, saggy and then none exitatious,
You’ll lose the urge to be flirtatious,
But gain the urge, to be grumpy and vexatious!
I wanted to be presentable, to visit Olive in flat eighty-two,
Thought: I’ll take a shower and shave, that’s what I’ll do,
Then I had to have a session on the loo,
Good job I’d used the lemon scented Toilet-Bloo,
Readied for the best shave a man can get, it must be true,
The Gillette razor, two blades and Hydration Moisturiser mark two!
Moments later, I felt like Victor Meldrew, too
Much blood was drawn, a scar left my ear-lobe all askew,
But I got the after-shave & TCP on it, it’d stop soon I knew.
I went to move the shower chair – a dizzy and before I knew,
I was entangled in it and to the fall I flew,
Hit the wall with my head, now all bestrew,
Some doctoring I had to do,
TCP applied to the, that made me say Ooh!
Luckily, no blood was drew (Bad English bit it’ll do for you),
Moved the chair and back in the showering to do,
My language was rather I admit, rather blue,
The pump gurgled, why it does this I never knew,
Applied the carbolic soap and honeydew,
Scrubbed away singing, the words of which I knew few,
The lump on my head swelled and grew,
A headache bad, but no hiatus or issue,
Soon I would be at Olives, so from the shower, I withdrew.
Citrus underarm sprayed, the Brut lid I couldn’t unscrew,
The toothpaste top was a bit hard to undo,
Sit-ups, press-ups and squats, each one hundred and twenty-two,
Shadow boxed and handstands like daily I do,
Changed into me best togs, mainly in Sky-blue,
Rushed off to see Olive, for who my love is true!
Doctors say at our ages, passions, we should subdue?
I say, thanks and but from this advice we just may Eschew!
I fank you!
If, by chance, you are elderly, poorly and unsteady on your feet,
A real challenge would be to hobble down Clumber Street,
Big Issue sellers, jugglers and street performers you’ll meet,
Mobile phone and TV sellers will collar you and browbeat,
Pavement Cyclist, skate-boarders infest this back-street,
Risks of being knocked over and ran into high, as for space they compete!
It’s safer if you persistently wave your walking stick about,
Not that this would save you from the muggers without doubt,
And you’ll probably fall over giving your head a clout,
The pick-pockets are good, they’ll leave you with nowt,
For shoplifters escaping store detectives, you must watch out!
Nearby competing take-aways, offer a variety smells, and a distinctive pong,
The first takeaway van offers goat meat sarnies, frogs legs and ox-tongue,
The next one sells Kangaroo, Ostrich and Beef from the Billabong,
Then the Asian chippy van, Japati with curried chips from Kawan,
Poo aloo, Pohe, and pickled pigeon from Choo Chong,
The usual that infest our City are there, to feed every tongue,
McDonalds, KFC, King Burger for which many Nottinghamians long,
So don’t fall over the packages that are where they don’t belong!
There will be some nice looking lasses as you hobble up and down,
Some so pretty and beautiful, they will hold you spellbound,
You lose your footing and fall to the ground,
Many Nottinghamians, will instantly gather around,
As they steal your wallet, they will pat you down.
Asking how are you, do you feel sound?
A cyclist or mobile scooter will hit you as you turn around,
So remember, Clumber Street is the criminals playground!
The mystery of why this took place remains!
Police had photographs of Runcan Dobertson along with Juan Inchcock.
Looking like they were doing a deal like fencing?
Is Inchcock to be arrested too?
Or, was Runcan arrested over the pack of wild savage dogs he owns?
And why does he feel the need to have these dangerous terriers in his home?
How can he afford such luxuries as a Miele H6 100 BM microwave oven and top of the range Brother MFCJ-4620DW A4 smart inkjet multifunction printer with A3 bypass tray?
He just retired from MI5 early too?
Suspicious that… was he about to get caught up to no good perhaps, was it he who left the briefcase with 
secret Government papers in it on the bus in 1971?
And, how can he be responsible for such a gorgeous jaw-droppingly beautiful grand-daughter like Seren?
All these questions need answering.
In particular, the reason for his arrest in the first place.
Please send any evidence or knowledge you have to Ratty, so he can get it on his website ASAP in support of Runcan and have a good laugh.
What had I been dreaming about last night?
Oh, this constipation is giving putting me in a plight,
Was Adolph Hitler really a Wagnerite?
Is living in peace not a human right?
Tomorrow to the dentist, of course, I have no fright,
Vote for the Police commissioner, I might?
For who to vote for, I’ve no foresight,
Will the Dyson I’ve ordered be delivered late at night?
Why is Little Inchy bleeding again and tight?
The flat needs cleaning, it’s a bit of a messy sight,
Looked in the mirror, saw a face wrinkled and so white,
Seems that I have aged quickly overnight?
My complexion’s gone spotty and well it might,
Skin cancer blotches increase, face like a stalagmite,
What’ll I have for nosh today, a tasty bite?
Roast vegetables and sausage, a touch of Marmite?
Friday for Cancer treatment with a Doctor Malikite,
Why am I uneducated and not erudite?
To be a good person, I always try to fight,
I wonder if Law & Order UK is on telly tonight?
I’m off to bed now, Goodnight!
Mummy asked the midwife, to throw me in the river Trent,
Looking back, t’was my life’s first big disappointment,
She said she couldn’t afford me and still pay the rent,
From not paying the rent, she never did relent,
Sister Jane, to live with a rich relative, was sent,
Older brother Pete, joined the army to escape the torment!
She also ran away, absconded for years, yes, off she went!
– – – – – – –
I can’t say she was a good Mother or wife nor,
She spent most of her time on the run from the law,
She left Dad and me feeling very sore,
She wanted Bingo, betting, money, more and more,
She’d get it anyway, that was for sure!
– – – – – – –
The police caught her, and off to court she went,
For her crimes of conning folk and not paying her rent,
For character references, she forced an adjournment,
Her victim’s character references avoided her immurement,
Released on probation, they got her a new flat, paying her rent,
Her utility bills were paid too, they made them all obsolescent,
Even those who never got back the money to her they had lent,
Threw a celebration party for her, ignoring her criminal intent,
– – – – – – –
Despite all this, the woman was original in her day,
A con-artist of perfection, I really have to say,
Despite her nicking my stuff and her running away,
She could con anyone instantly without hesitation or delay,
She’d give you her last sixpence or chocolate from her Milk Tray,
Although the tanner and choccy came from one of her prey,
She was a crook but unique, I’d have wanted her no other way!
– – – – – – –
When I snuff it or die as it were,
Once again I’ll hopefully see her,
I anticipate my emotions will stir,
What to me would be the clincher,
Is what would I have on me for her to pincher!
See You in a while Mam XXX
I felt the need to show my appreciation for the help given by the staff at this centre, so:
Here is the My Odes of Thanks to the staff at the Nottingham City Hospital Cardiac Rehabilitation Gym:
First a little talk, to get to know the other people there,
One chap called Ivan, even came in a wheelchair!
A cup of tea or coffee we even did share,
Then, to the gymnasium, that was small and square,
Thankfully, rope-ladder was in state of disrepair,
Of not overdoing things, we were made aware.
* * * * * * * *
The exercise bikes sent me Anacreontic,
Of course at that time, I wasn’t arthritic,
Nor, was I suffering from being a Cholestatic,
They almost had to drag me off the bike,
To do the running around the gym, that I also liked,
The bouncing box, made me feel a bit sick,
A football they let me take the corner-kick,
A didn’t charge me for the broken light, I felt such a dick!
* * * * * * * *
The swinging and lifting of the weights started then, it was a blast,
Muscles tensed, the barbell high, how long could I last?
I dropped it on me foot, they applied an Elastoplast.