Billum, treats Inchcock’s Ailments

A bit of fictional fun in Ode here

I hope it brings a smile and a laugh!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It All Began…

T’was months ago, when Billum said, “You need curing!”
“I do?” I replied Billum’s words had got me wondering,
We continued with our badinaging,
The result, revealing a fascinating thing!
Bill continued with a medical debriefing,
He’s a clever chap, quite a scientific boffin,
He’d worked out how to mend the ailments that got me coughing!

He could cure or ease many an ailment without any drugging!
His lad Alan had had a look in…
Did the mechanical engineering,
Medical engineering? That got me fearing!
H.R.H. Lisa, had the first aid kit ready… encouraging?
At this point, I had to ask… is this going to be hurting?
And can I and H.R.H. Lisa do some flirting?

The procedure would take a few days, but no haemorrhaging,
Chances are, Inchie, that you’ll not feel a thing!
Lisa will be there, and take your care under her wing,
But flirting? No, or you really will be hurting!
I thanked him, asked Billum if it involved my contortioning?
“Well, you might jerk about a bit; that’s nothing…”
“You’re used to Shaking Shaun, un Peripheral Pete bugging!”
“Once we set up the various electrics…” Lisa was earwigging…
“Worry not, Inchie… for Billum is not a fledgling!”

“This electroconvulsive therapy will soon have you jogging!”
Then we’ll make you a meal and give you some noggin!
“That’ll be marvellous Lisa, I’d just love some snogging…”
“No, I said noggin, not snogging; oh, dear, your hearing!”
“The syringing, I’ll do that for you! It’ll be astonishing!.

Billum and Alan helped me with the plans on travelling,
The transport I could afford needed ambushing…
I nicked the lorry and got to near Ohio, without any bathing…
Poor H.R.H. and Billum did a bit of nose-clenching!
But soon Billum took charge, first my showering!

Getting over my fears needed establishing,
My worrying, Billum started extinguishing,
He got out his plans to explain, and I stopped flinching…
“I’ll tell yer, in simple terms, what you can be understanding…
We all sat down, and I started listening…

And let’s face it, you’re loaded with them! Electroconvulsive therapy (E.C.T.) is a procedure done under general anaesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. E.C.T. seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental health conditions.

Lisa at your side throughout. We know how you love her so, so we’ve asked her to give the odd squeeze of your hand, keep gong close to you so you can smell her perfume, and hear her words of comfort… But try not to get too excited! Remember, it’s all part of the procedure. We won’t be bothering with any anaesthesia because we will have H.R.H.

After having some of H.R.H.’s special Chilli Con Carne and a cream cake, we will be doing it in the basement laboratory.

Hahaha! Nowt to worry over Inchie, E.C.T. is good on older adults who can’t tolerate drug side effects. A muscle relaxant is usually used during the procedure to stop the patient’s muscles from moving during the seizure. Still, we’ll skip that cause with your Peripheral Neuropathy; there ain’t a cat in hells chance of you not twitching.

“Fair enuf!” At this, one of the cats jumped up on my knee and rubbed its chin against mine! Nice!

We’ll throw in a bit of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (T.M.S.). We think we’ve improved the procedure by swapping bits here and there. Alan worked out that the hyperparameters programmed into the medical device were used to deliver magnetic therapy to the brain by reducing the max-pooling in the convolutional neural networking of the design of the machine. Naturally, this means that your Body Mass Index (B.M.I.) and hypertension will be of less concern than they usually would be, you see?

There’s no worry about quantum entanglements, blue-shiftings, or Lagrangian points. These have all been factored into our plans. As with fasciculations and diaphragmatic flutters, There will be a chance of you horripilationing, but that is of no consequence, as you know.

“Oh, good!” No idea what Billum was on about. He forgets how thick I am, I think. After a lovely nosh, down to the basement, I was led…

A shame, really, but I woke up then!

Part of the Inchies Make Them Laugh-In Ode Series

8 thoughts on “Billum, treats Inchcock’s Ailments

  1. The dangstanged black hole in the ether has once again consumed a reply. Hardly news, it can strike whenever it will, with or without a belch…AARGHITALL.
    Labs are a comforting place foe Mr. Billums. Flasks and beakers aboil in every corner of every available basement, of course. Right now focussing on ways to dispel all the named outlaws in flat 72. The trick is to concoct a potion or elixir that angers the dastardly ailments, trying to come up with summin that vexes a spirit so much that it runs away screaming. Sometimes the trick is brewing very weak coffee, something that no ailment-causer can stand. Then I burn some sulphur and run it through water to make sulphuric acid. It doesn’t do anything but stink up the joint, but Billums does it anyway.
    I like the equipment and the leads attached to yer head. Now it is merely a matter of reading the formulas on the blackboard and attaching the leads in the way indicated by those formulas.
    Now I only need find the formula that actually works, that’s the hard part.

      • Getting yer in tucks is a wonderful Britishism, a very kind way to “like” my silly language warpages and my way of making the ludicrous seem the everyday happenage. Found it in the Urban Dictionary, a great source for the arcane and the entertaining turns of phraseology, right down my alley of course. German humour is the complete opposite of British humor, they do not recognize understatement, something that is key in American humour as well.

      • Tucks of laughter, I’ll look that up… Hang on…
        “in tucks”
        to laugh hysterically, so that you can barely breathe.
        Person 1: Let’s take you, add me, subtract the clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
        Person 2: I was in tucks when he said that!
        Ah, German… that brings Grizelda back into mind… I might need a tablet now. Hahaha! Cheers, Billumski.

      • Being “in tucks” is not related to any need to give a panda an enema. Friar Tuck, does that expression find origin with that man of the cloth?
        “Man of the cloth” reminds me of a song by Jerry Reed: Amos Moses

        Many occasions remind yer of Grizelda, perhaps yer need a 60mg tablet. Haha and Cheers! Sir Inch.

Leave a Reply