Inchcock Interview planned by Radio Nottingham’s Shirley Blamey!

Nottingham pensioner Juan Inchcock (69) retired Sanitary Towel machine oiler and filler-upperer , well known locally for his hatred and ridiculing of cyclist on pavements, mad mobility scooter drivers and soggy chips has been invited by Radio Nottingham to be interviewed and have a chance to answer questions phoned in directly from Nottingham cyclists and mobility scooter drivers on the air.

Station Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden had originally objected to the BBC management at having to include Inchcock on the show.

Marissa Bergen (Left) interviews studio Obergruppenfurher Mike Steeden. 

Mr Steeden explained when our reporter Marissa Bergen interviewed him: “Due to the well known flatulence problems the old chap suffers with, his temperamental bladder, his uncouth appearance and lack of social skills, his falling asleep when one is talking to him, I can’t understand a word of his thick Nottingham accent…”

He paused to get his breath a moment and continued “If he falls down he can’t get up again – and he does a lot of that… falling down. A health and safety risk he is… He can’t hear what one is saying even with his hearing-aids in, he’s blind as a bat, wonders off at a whim, if he sees a pigeon we’ve lost him…”

Marissa squirmed and said: “You don’t like him do you?”

Not a lot” Mike replied “He’s as thick as two-planks, uneducated and limps about Nottingham taking photos of pigeons, mallard ducks on the canal, cyclists on the pavement, what he thinks are dangerous mobility scooter drivers… in fact the twit is trying to get up a movement to get Government to bring in driving tests, insurance requirements, alcohol content tests for the drivers and is currently designing a ‘Stinger’ for them that he can and says he will use? He’s potty…”

At this point an assistant came into the room and handed Mr Steeden a note, which he read and pondered on for a short while, then told the assistant: “Tell the boss I agree.”

He turned to face Marissa and quipped: “Of course it takes all sort to make a rich colourful mix of citizens in Nottingham and I have to show a magnanimous side in the job – so I’ve decided to allow Shirley to do the interview with Inchcock, but we must get Inchcock in for a ‘Set-the-rules’ meeting. Any other questions Ms Bergen?

Er… no.. I…” Mike left the room rapidly calling for his assistant as he left?

A confused Marissa put her things back in her bag and noticed Mike had left the note brought in my his assistant on the table, so took a peep at it.

It seemed that Inchcock had promised goodies for Mr Steeden if he did the interview, including his collection of ‘Parade Magazines’ 1958 > 1962.

Mr Steeden and Ms Blamey arranged to meet Inchcock for the ‘set-the-rules-meeting and they took publicity photographs outside a strangers house for the press, because they didn’t want to show Inchcock’s house and him getting letters of sympathy from the public.

The discussion didn’t go well at all – Inchcock was so besotted with Shirley and passing wind continuously his concentration was non-existent. They has to hope for the best and arranged for Inchy to come to the Nottingham Radio station at a specific time for the interview.

Plans had to be made protect the staff there during the interview and they all met to agree on the best defence and Shirley came with a mock-up of a Swedish Anit-Germ Containment unit with a cardboard cut out of Inchcock in it to show her idea off.

They all willingly agreed to hire one on the day, nervously…

On the morning of the interview Inchcock arrived in plenty of time, but was unfortunately still wearing his pyjamas when he came into the office.

Much to the horror of Shirley and started his hands wandering where they should not be wandering, being unable to control his passion and desire for her.

Being the ultimate professional Ms Blamey belted him on the back of his head and threw him out, telling him to get back home and change into some normal day wear clothes. She arranged transport for him there and back to the studios. Kindly making sure he had his bus-pass with him first.

Inchcock looked a little hurt and sad as he wiped the blood from his wounds and left the building, head down to catch a bus home to his flea-pit.

As he alighted from his bus a mobility scooter very nearly had him over and an uncontrollable hatred raged as he dragged the driver from the scooter to give him a jolly good belting around his head and admonish him for his careless driving…

The man head-butted Inchcock, threw him over his shoulder onto the pavement and kicked him in the head a few times then hit him on his forehead with one of the two dozen bottles of 8.4 proof Apple cider from his mobility scooter shopping basket while cursing loudly.

The paramedics attending Inchy told the press that Inchcock would not be in any fit state to do any radio interviews for quite a while yet.

Shirley and Mike were cheered-up no end when they heard.

Inchcock Today: Wed 21st Jan 15 – Declorication and dentist concerns

Up at 0400hrs – WC, cleaned up the blood.

Damned annoyed at not remembering any of me dreams again this morning.

Angina and arthritis both playing up big time, went down to make a cuppa to have with me medications and found that a bit of snow had fallen overnight and had turned to nasty dangerous black-ice!

I took a photo from the front door that creaked as the frost broke around it when I opened it!

I hope no more falls with temperatures this low it shouldn’t, but if it warms up a tad later I can see more snow descending. Tsk!

Not looking forward to the walk to the dentist at all this morning… but got to go.

Weather like this is Whoopsidangleplops inviting. Especially with Arthur Itis limiting my movements like wot he is today.

Trouble with Coreldraw9 this morning, freezing, crashing and importing work I’d done warped? Eventually after many restarts it  seems slow but working again – lost hours there. Tsk!

Looking out the upstairs window I saw many flashing blue lights of emergency vehicles in the distance on Hucknall Road I think. I’d bet the black ice had caught some poor sod out?

Finished off yesterdays diary and got it posted, then had the urge to write a ditty about the weather so I did and posted that. I lost the original plot in no time, but it seemed fairly funnyish all the same.

Must get the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop because it’s only a few doors down from the dentist. Two jobs in one like – as the missus used to say.

Got missen cleaned up and set off for the walk to Sherwood and the Dentists.

It wor miserable out there, but the snow had all but melted by the pouring rain. Not cold at all now.

I pressed on keeping an eye on the time ’cause they don’t like it if yer late you know like. Got there in time and climbed up the high steps into the passage and down to the reception. A few questions answered and I took a seat and waited until she called me name in her Concentration Guard voice (Wrongly but no problem there); “Go up to treatment room one now!”

So I did – with difficulty as the stairs are a bit steep, so much so I took a sneaky photo of them – just glad I didn’t have to go up another flight to treatment room three.

I sat patiently waiting looking around and noticed a photo on the wall, just above the signs that told us we would be charged extra if we were late for appointments, and taken off their records if we missed an appointment – oh and if we want none grey fillings we must ask them and they will tell us if they can provide them (White ones) and how much they will cost to be done privately.

I thought that the portraits of the Lions was most suitable for this camp… er, surgery.

Eventually the Obergruppenführer came in… I mean Dentist came in and ran through checking me teeth and commanded me to make an appointment with the receptionist for a half-hour treatment session on me two lower front teggies to try and save them, and shoved me record card into me hand..

I mumbled a few words in thanks and painfully nervously got up to go down to the receptionist, by which time she and her assistant had rushed off to treatment room two to see someone else… then I limped gently down the stairs. talking myself into being brave as I did so… to tackle the receptionist to get an appointment.

I handed her the card:

She demanded the payment for the checks just done and I paid her.

Inchy: “Thank you, the dentist said to make a half-hour appointment”

Grissly: “I am knowing this…”

I heroically interrupted her: “Any day but a Monday or Tuesday at any time will do, they are my hospital and clinic days…” I followed it up with a weak twitchy smile…

Grissly: “Humpf… let me to look, wait!”

I whispered back “Yes no problem.”

I sat down.

After a couple of minutes of her belting hell out of the computer keyboard keys she pointed her finger at me and bent the index one inward – this I took as a summoning and went back to the desk…

“You will be coming for treatment on Wednesday 4th February… Yes! This is alright with you yes?” It was an order more than a question.

“Fine yes thank you very much indeed”.

I got sympathetic looks from the other poor sods whose turn it would be later… I mean patients waiting her attentions as I limped out into the rain and sleet.

A bag of nerves by now I forgot completely about the bag of stuff I’d got to hand to the Nottingham Hospice shop a few doors away – such was my determination to escape Frau Goebbels. Actually I think they were Polish. Thus had to carry it around with me all day.

When I got to the bus stop to catch a one into town and take some photographs I adjusted me clothing and a zip came of me nice warm jumper. I tried to reconnect it and a bit flew off into the road never to be seen again.

“Ah well” I thought “I’ll call in Primark see if they have any in the sale still.”

The bus came and it was a case of standing for the journey into town so many people on it.

As it came towards the City Centre stop, I was caught up in a sort of stampede to get off the bus along with the polite mild mannered Nottingham people nudging and grappling to get off first. I wondered what was happening.

When I got to the pavement I thought my big coat had come undone in the mini-melee – but found that that zip was also broken beyond repair. Huh… what a day I was having and getting soaked in the rain to boot!

Hey-ho, onward down Clumber Street across the lights and right into the Primark store – now I was seeking a jumper and a coat. Tsk!

Took me time and pottered around, took some photographs for the TFZ gals and eventually came across a jumper that looked nice and warm and was reasonably priced – but none of the coats were anything like what I was looking for even though they were cheap enough.

Not enough pockets yer see.

So I left and had a walk through the slab square to M&S to cheer myself up with buying one of there admittedly expensive, but deletable braised beef with roasted parsnips that can be cooked in the microwave meals for one.

I foolishly thought before going to the food hall, I’ll pop up the escalators to the third floor and have a look at their coats on sale.

I fell in love with one that had plenty of pockets and looked nice and warm – but dare not tell anyone how much it cost… What a fool!

Now me bags were getting heavy, and me feet stinging as bit.

I poddled down to the food hall and got me meal for one, then limped back up and out of the store. I held the door open for a lady as we left and found the rain was even more heavy than it was before.

I couldn’t manage me brolly up and cope with me two bags at the same time. What a day!

I made me way back through the City Centre and up King Street.

Then round to the bus stop via Trinity Square, but no photographicalistioning of shop windows today, it was too wet you see.

A Nottingham Pavement Cycling nearly caught me off guard while I was concentrating on avoiding the worst of the rain but somehow he missed me by inches. I Christened him as loud as I could manage by questioning his parentage with the use of one word.

He didn’t seem to notice and was off out of view within seconds… bless him.

I really must look into getting a clandestine camera to catch the pavement cyclists and send the photographs to someone who might be able to do something to bring this problem to the attention of the authorities who don’t seem interested at all in Nottingham, but find the time to prosecute people for throwing away a nub-end or feeding the birds?

The rain kept alternating with snow/sleet as I made my way to the bus stop and got on one without any delay.

I took a photograph through the bus front window as we moved up Mansfield Road. do you see the lighted little box on the right of the picture?

A God-send that is – it’s where we old-uns swipe of free bus-pass on entry to the bus.

I was soon back in Carrington alighting the bus and  popped into the Co-op because I’d forgotten to get any bread when in town.

I’d also forgot to get some hearing aid batteries from the Ropewalk clinic. Tsk!

As I left the Co-op shop, the heavens really opened up and made me way as quickly as me knees back and feet would let, back to the hovel.

WC’d, put the kettle on, started the laptop then made a cuppa and put me things I’d bought away.

Certainly nothing to make me ecstasiate today!

Overall a day of frustrations, pain, embarrassments and failed good intentions – a normal day for Inchcock then!

Hey-ho!