Inchcock’s Tips & Advice – In Ode

They incarcerate the wealthy youngsters here now, aged only 50, a pity,
Cause with my handicaps, now I’m not so nifty,
Then there’s my ticker, neuropathy, deafness and cecity,
But I’m not jealous, bothered or show any causticity,
I have Whoopsidangleplops, Accifauxpas and await the next atrocity,
To survive in here, you must not show any mordacity,
Indeed, you must forget to display any animosity!

Anyone arriving wishing to survive will find the tips and advice in ode below, of some value, I hope… Good Luck!


Put to the back of your mind, hopes, plans or anything ambitious,
With leaking windows… it helps to know about being amphibious,
If you are old or ill, some of the Carers are delicious!
Get in with them for any chance of being auspicious!
Resist doing anything whatever that could be audacious!
Make sure you cannot be considered cretaceous,
For depressions in here are somewhat enormous,

No matter what you do or say, it’ll be classed as contentious,
Don’t ever mention the balcony’s winds being blusterous,
Or not being able to hear the fire alarm being hazardous,
Cause they’ll fit you a pillow shaker alarm, it’s not desirous,
It runs on Wi-fi, the false alarms are regular and continuous,

Advice for the intercom and heaters are both contradictious,
Understanding them, you need to be intelligent and perspicacious,
Act a thicko with thick skin, should certainly be advantageous,
One benefit, mind, if you are ill enough, the nurses are curvacious!
You’ll be too old, so no opportunities to try to get amorous!

Contemptuousness and sarcasm seem to be contagious,
Another thing, silence can prove somewhat meritious,
Forget about being doing right and being conscientious,
Best to concentrate, on just staying alive and conscious,

Faux pas and Whoopsiedangleplops, try to keep uncomplicitous
Tending towards being garrulous can be jeopardous,
To anyone not wanting to be sneered at by those sequacious,
Never show signs of being boisterous,
Best to stay looking bored and innocuous,
They like it that way, and when you get on the wrong bus!

No need to worry if you are regularly flatuous,
I assure you that affliction affects 90% of us!
If the nurse calls cause your bottom’s furunculous,
Grit your teeth, and try to look hebetudinous!
Try not to overdo the acting humorous,
Never gossip about anything calumnious!
Or you may find yourself considered complicitous!

Part Of Inchcock’s Make Em Laugh-In-Ode Series

4 thoughts on “Inchcock’s Tips & Advice – In Ode

  1. If a word rhymes with “ous” it is found in this fine ode. Not only will yer find one, but it will be just the word yer were seeking. I have contacted the Association for the Advancement of Megasearches for Poet Laureates, they were absolutely astounded that yer had not already been selected as the Odean without a peer as well as the Odean without a pear. I am in a state of presumption at this juncture, wondering if the AAMPL will send me some big bucks or big pounds for discovering the Odean of Two Centuries.
    I have also been contacted by the Megasearch Committee for the determination and the installation of the next countenance on the 100 Pound Bill, a bill that weighs an astonishing 100 pounds (220 kilos). As I understand the matter, the search team wants to print an Ode on the front side of the 100 Pound Note. More details shall I report as information becomes available, this is a continuing story. You can read more about it on Wackipedia.

    • Hahaha! Famous at last! And got a laugh again.
      Wackipedia, I shall have a nose at, any of your stuff on there, Billum?
      Cheers, and all the bestest to HRH, Billum and the furries. ♥

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