Listening in to Alto-Inchy and Inchy-Id, discussing Christmas

All the best to my faithful flock of followers all,
The masses who have remained so loyal,
To the rubbish I’ve posted, my error-ridden scrawl,
Be they funny, sad, pathetic or philosophical,
Christmas time again… although there is no snowfall…
I’ve got plenty of fodder in, all very edible,
Although Inchcock is unquestionably unintellectual…
His Odes come out mostly; sadly ineffectual,
My followers are precious; you are my windfall!
And, both of you are moral and mortal…
Thank heavens for the WordPress portal!

The Verbal Conflict I Listened Into

From my scrawled notes mostly, so accuracy may be limited. Certain words (naughty) have had to be substituted. I left the last word in; cause there was nothing worth replacing it with. Sorry!

Worra yo doing here? I am Alto-Id; you don’t recognise my superiority?

Never seen yer before, or heard of yer… Worra yo do then? Don’t bother answering, I’ll tell yer… I am the principle that pertains to pleasure, while you, the Alto Ego, is the principle that relates to reality.

Is yer? Well, I’m the one in charge ‘ere…

Hahahaha! Knob-rot, mush!

Do yer mean like Inchcock’s fungal lesion on his Little Inchy?

No, I am well aware of all of the idiots’ ways, whims and stupidity; I’ve been waiting in the wings and watching, learning for donkey’s years. My usage of the Knob-Rot indicated that you talketh rubbish, Alto!

Yer a bit nasty ain’t yer, almost cruel, I’d say. Inchcock is struggling with my existence, now you cum along, and it’ll likely as not send the old git bonkers… best you piss-off out of it mate!

Oh, dearie me, it’s as I feared. You’ve been in Inchcock that long. You have been infected by his senility and ignorance…

Owd on! I knew Rat-face when he was almost verging on normality, for a human-like. See, I’ve been here for ‘im forever! I’ve supported him through some terrible times and ailments, apart from mucking it up with his depressions; it’s me who gorrim through double pneumonia, cancer, duodenal ulcers, being shot… twice, his heart replacement, diabetes, peripheral neuropathy.

Piffle! Utter rubbish, you pathetic imitation of an Alto-Ego you!

What? I thought I wuss doing a good job… well, I was! After all that I’ve done to annoy him, I did not know if he was coming or going at times…

Exactly! That’s why I’ve been activated, see?

Err… no!

What about glaucoma, saccades, floaters and cataract, then? How come you’ve not addressed his vision problems then? Hey?

Well, I can’t physically mend them, can I? It’s my job to just ensure they annoy him as persistently as possible, innit?

You have no idea, have you? What’s the point in letting the git to go blind? How will that build your reputation in the Chakra-Id-Alto Corporation? You’ve got to do better, else you’ll not be moved into another body when he snuffs it… I’m telling you!

The CIAC management is more than happy with my performance in the 930038-530 Semi-male model Inchcock.

How do you know?

Well, they’ve not complained…

Have they sent you a monthly report for November yet?

Monthly Report? No, I’ve never had one.

Hahaha! You’re in the shit, mate! You could well get prematurely removed from 930038-530/TIT Semi-male model Inchcock and sent to a body that is mentally and physically undamaged…

Oh, my Gawd, no… Are you joking?


How can any Alto-Ego cope with a human like that? I won’t stand a chance of worrying, scaring, frightening or intimidating them…

I know. This could mean the end of your existence Alto!

No, no, no, we live forever…

Only if the CIAC management deems that you are worthy.

Oh, shit! I was so happy here, a comfortable rotund over ample midriff, an uncomplicated, slow brain to peruse through at my leisure, without much intelligence or activity going on…

You are aware that the host body has the capability to eliminate you, are you? (Sounds of chucking in the background).

No, you’re wrong there…

Yer? What about CIAC Guidelines & Cautionary Advice 112,145,23 then?


I’ll tell you. “In the event of any Alto-Ego failing to cause a suicide attempt within 72 years of occupation (Failed) of the aforesaid body; Any host at this time maintaining 70% of its maximum intelligence, 50% of its willpower, and 50% of its maximum concentration; can apply to it Id to eliminate any Alto-Egos from its earthly body – upon signing its soul over to the CIAC Soul Bank Ltd!

I ‘ave to think abarght this…

Take yer time, Alto; I’ll move on and inform Inchcock of his options…

NO! It won’t work cause Inchcock has nowhere near 50% of his concentration left. Only 10% of his memory…

And you think that I can’t retrieve it for him?

You wouldn’t?

Oh, yes, I can, easily!

Well, that’s not in the Spirit of the Chakra-Id-Alto Corporation? I’ve never been so happy before as I am within 930038-530 Semi-male model Inchcock has been. He’s so gullible, malleable, a right thicko to con and manipulate…

And I can change all that within a few seconds. By advising Inchcock of his options, Hehehe!

But I might have to go back to the lonely CIAO Retention Safe again? I’ve already had 2000 years in there before getting this posting? Oh, my dearest Id, whatever can I offer or do to prevent this from happening?

I may be tempted to say nothing to the idiot host under certain conditions…

Yes, yes…

One: You bow to my every whim, order and threat!

Erm.. go on…

Two: You openly admit to Ids being totally and unquestionably superior to Alto-Egos!

Mmm? Go on…

That’s it… if you agree, I’ll keep my gob shut! But it’s a one time only offer, so you have to decide now!

How do I know I can trust you?

How do I know I can trust you?

Oh, heck…

I’ll tell you what… As a ‘Class A’ Knight of the CIAO Id Convention, I swear this to be true! Sign the Oath stating these beliefs as written, and I’ll leave the Inchcock Host instantly, never to return.

That seems okay… Alright, I’ll do it, and you’ll disappear instantly?

You’ll never see me again!

Here you are then (Scribbling sound) and good riddance!


You lying bastard!

18 thoughts on “Listening in to Alto-Inchy and Inchy-Id, discussing Christmas

  1. Whoa. You’re Id is a mean one. A regular Grinch of a guy. No slack given on the terrible tongue lashing he whipped you with. Here’s to the Season’s beatings by Inchy-Id! But that’s Id for you. Excellent, witting, amusing and very clever conversation. Merry Christmas!

  2. That was quite a profoundly spirited debate and discussion, Sir! The gloves came off and the furious exchange raised the temperature here to 67 degrees of the Faehenheit. I was wondering why it was so warm, now we know. Perhape Marley and the three (3) spirits did show up in the Wood of the Thorpe last night. Yer could turn this into something Danteesque with just a few whistles and cow bells. There might also be a sequel to Goethe’s Faust with a minor tweak and a twist of the wrist. I don’t think it is anywhere near an Ode. It might be an anti-ode, of course. By reading between the lines, I have decided that this banter might have caused a tsunami along the East coast of Ireland. The windows rattled in Fort Thomas! I think they are still rattling. 🙂
    No exagerations of course.

      • I had entirely too much fun contriving that comment, great Sir! So it chuffs the heck out of me to know that yer enjoyed it full well.
        HRH prepared a marvelous feastlet, I contributed by serving as her gofer during the kitchenal proceedings and Alan repaired a loose handle on the refrigerationer door. A fine time was enjoyed by all, including the three (3) non-human mammals (the furries). Acting as post-fest cleaner upperer, I enjoyed seeing to the dishes and morphed into the chief storager of leftover fragments in a refrigerator that no longer suffers a loose handle.

        We wishes yer a Happy Boxing Day ♥

      • A worthy Inchcockonian style comment that was indeed.
        Thank HRH, Alan, the Furries and yourself for the informationalisationings and Christmas duties performed! Alan extra, any loose-handle correctioner is worth his weight in gold! With I had one. Hehe!
        Did HRH get any beef on the plate? Gawd its so long since I had some. Now the oven is working again (Cleaner Esther cleaned the oven and its working again???), I shall have to order some beef. Mind you, I can’t get on to Sainsbury or Iceland sites, Google tell me each time; This site is unavailable – Check… followd by alad of gumph that I cannot understand.
        Your mate (currently with Long Eared Rabbit nearby for a natter with), possibly about to starve to death, but with hopes of getting an order in later today. Bestest of luck! Thanks.

      • The three homo sapiens and the three felines enjoyed each other’s company at the dining table. A very restful and humorous story telling gathering. Furry Nibbles is right next to me as I type, and it doth appear that she thoroughly enjoys learning more about Nottingham, she is doing well learning the Nottingham dialect. I would say that her ‘ham abilities are at least as good as the dialect spoken in these parts. Incredible, innit? The furries also like beef and never turn down a very minced piece. Lisa has also experienced very little boeuf lately too. Prices are up a bit on everything upon the shopping list, but it is like that all over it do seems. Might have something to do with a panda enema or something like that. So I have resolved to keep a couple meters or yards from any panda I meet here or there.
        Lots of gumph going around here too. Forest Gumph being just one o’ them.
        2022 approacheth, watch eth outeth, Sir!

      • Great news for the clan, Sir.
        I’ve got an updated book (well thick pamphlet) on the Nottingham Dialect, and when I see Jillie, am going to ask her if she can pack it safely and post it off to you via HRH. PEripheral Neuropathy Pete is not allowing me to do any close work ar the moment. Even typing is hard work and error ridden.
        Gave me a smile this commentski, cheers Sir. Love to all ♥

      • Wowsers, I almost missed replying to this marvelous offer. As a friend of all languages, I cannot turn this generous offer down. Worra wonderful reference yer offering, miduck! Musiic to me ears!

  3. I came within a ghost hair of deleting that reply. Somehow now, brown cow, I found it without losing it and very slowly and carefully pressed the SEND button. Whew. Might have something to do with that panda enema. Must be more careful in future.

  4. You’ll never know how glad I is to know the Pandas are not at risk, Billum. I hope the cacada are safe too?
    This morning the carers came, there were two!
    All eyes ariund the flat, noting mu money on the box they did too!
    An eyelid on the new gal twitched, what a tadoo!
    They both left, the last call again, but summat they didn’t do…
    Take my waste bags, but I opnened the and said ‘You who!!’
    Can you take the waste bags please, that’d be kind of you?
    The new gal collected them – saying Monday morning too I’m due!
    Always worries, not too many, but quiete a few!

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