Category: Satire

Inchcock Today: Wed 10th/Thur 11th September 2014

Wednesday 10th September 2014

Up at 0400hrs. (Making it four last night Tsk!)

Started laptop, made cuppa, then WC.

Got me bag ready with the Nottingham Hospice things in, then I did some work on posts for the blog.

Shave: dropped me razor and broke it, so I used a throw-away one, wash, teeth done, cleaned tootsies and glasses, changed bandage (Must remember to get some more soon), applied me creams and pain gel.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood Nottingham Hospice Shop, nice day, hope it doesn’t bring out the yobboes… crossed fingers.

Gave em me bits at the Hospice shop, and caught the bus to town.

Got some bread to feed the ducks with, and caught bus to Derby.

Fell asleep on the bus, bus only for a moment or so.

The Derwent riverside had loads of folks, dogs, mobility scooters, and yobs around, and hundreds of ducks. I observed the mallard ducks were getting a bit nasty with the immigrant giant Canada geese in their fight to get to the food being thrown to them. I hope Campbell doesn’t hear about this? There seemed like thousands of pigeons in the melee. I forgot to take any photographs though. (Huh!)

Had a walk into the Eagle shopping centre market: Dead as a dodo in there, and even more stalls closed down. Mind you, there was still the Mad Mobility Scooter driver danger ever present.

Had a walk about for a bit, then I caught the bus back to Nottingham. I got on the one that takes the round-about route so I could enjoy the scenery for a change. But fell asleep before it got to Draycott, a very kind lady woke me up at Beeston… I felt such a fool!

Dropped off in the city centre, and called onto the Chinese Food Shop and got another pack of the vegetable nibbles, as i like the last one muchly. The girl in the shop is I think, falling in love with me; she ignored me far less viciously than she did yesterday!

Dropped off the bus thinking I’ll call at the GP while I think of it. A chap stopped me and asked for directions to the City hospital, no problem for me, so I gave em to him. Then I walked home forgetting about the GP again.

Made a cuppa then updated this tosh. So tired now.

Thursday 11th September 2014

Kept waking up all night. Woke up at 0505hrs.

WC.

It felt like I’d had a different bad dream each time, but I could only recall bits of the last one;

I was leader of the country; I stopped production of all nuclear, atomic, nerve, gas and germ weapons, and ordered that they be buried as deep as possible underground, but with a failsafe detonation system attached. I held a meeting at 0930hrs and told the world that if they do attack us, we would detonate all of our weapons underground, and this would destroy the entire planet! At 0938hrs the first missile landed in Stalybridge. At 0942hrs, I detonated our stockpile, and found myself along with everyone else, in the queue at St Peter’s gate… not sure hat happened then.

How I can remember the times is amazing, yet I forget so much other stuff that I’m sure was in the nightmare? I’ve vague memories of George Osborne being in the nightmare somewhere?

WC.

Got down, started laptop and made a cuppa, took medications.

WC.

Blogged for a bit and did some graphics ready for later use.

Got me things ready for the launderette, and set off.

Got the machine going after the big gal on duty today made a fuss of me… well she said “Good morning”.

I got the togs in the drier when the washing machine had done its bit. And walked over to the GP to fetch me prescription. I got a rollicking for not replying to their Email giving me my new medications dosage.

I humbly apologised and told them I would not let this happen again. Then gave them some nibbles to eat.

Went over to the chemists, handily located next door to the launderette, and got me prescribed extra pain killers, gel and dermatological cream.

Back to the launderette, and got me Spike Milligan book out to read.

Folded the togs into the bags when they were dry enough, said farewell to the big gal in the launderette, but she was on the phone and didn’t hear me like.

Got home (Using the term in its loosest sense), put me togs away, got me Nottingham Hospice bag that I prepared earlier, and set off on a walk to the Sherwood.

Noticed some nice old cars parked up on the way, looked like they’d been parked up for years.

Arthur Itis was causing extra bother in me left knee this morning.

I called in Wilko on the way, to see if I could get any microwave plates and dishes – couldn’t find any though, but I did get a cheapo can-opener to replace the one that collapses while I was using it last night. (Curried beans all over me and the floor… Tsk!)

Got to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and the girls there thanked me for the donations and nibbles wot I took ‘em. Bless ‘em.

Crossed over the road, and called into Holland’s to get some pistachio bars, but didn’t have any in, so I didn’t.

Noted a mobility scooter parked outside the bookies, gave it a wide berth!

I was limping a fair bit now, as I passed the Police contact point on the other side of the road, where the burglar alarm was going off. No chance of catching anyone there as the police only occupy it for two half days a week.

Further along I passed the new pub, there were three mobility scooters outside of it; glad I didn’t pass it later when the drivers were staggering out and putting lives at risk by driving em in an intoxicated state!

Where I had me dizzy spell

Got near the top of the hill, and suffered a few dizzy spells. Realised I’d not had me hat on for about half a mile, so put it on, despite looking a twit in the warm sunshine. The spells stopped after a few minutes, and I continued the walk back to the dump.

As I turned the corner into my street, a bloke with two bull terriers walked past me, neither had a lead or muzzles on. I could see a fight taking place between two women at the far end of the street… so nice to get home innit?

I got in, WC. Laptop started, made a cuppa, and couldn’t find me cheapo tin-opener?

Updated this tosh.

WC.

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Inchcock’s Trip to Amsterdam

I called in at  an East London car mechanic, who insisted on calling himself himself a Vehicle Technician the other day, to see if my car was ready yet to be picked up, as I had to go to Amsterdam that afternoon.

 The chappie explained to me that many problems had been found that he had not anticipated, and produced a list of which he read out to me.

I thought that £900 was a little on the high side, the car can only be worth£290 tops – nor do I recall the front nearside wheel hanging off when I took it in to have a new drivers side wing mirror fitted. As for the damage to the bonnet? But it was a long time ago when I took it in, over six weeks ago and my mind might have been confused a tad. But the wing mirror had still not yet been fitted.

He spat on the floor and with a kindly smile then offered to hire me a company car at a reduced rate that I could use for my business trip to Netherlands.

He pointed out that it was a classic, and would be ideal as it was an estate model, for my transporting my stuff to see the client. And that it was named Gertrude, after Gertrude Elderley the 1924 swimming Olympian who became the first woman to conquer the English Channel two years later. He added that she will be going over the channel herself now, and that was a heart-warming thought as he stifled a tear (or laugh?) and it seemed this brought a smile to his face for some reason.

Anyway, I took the Morris Minor Estate home, but it broke down within two hundred yards.

I walked back to the garage and found the chap stood reading Forbes magazine in the workshop, although using the term work was not strictly applicable.

He cursed under his breath, gave me look that would have done Hannibal proud, and followed me out to the car. He had a look and said threateningly: “Burk! You ain’t put no petrol in it have yer?” Then he wandered off back to his garage… well I say garage… 

So I walked to the nearest petrol station, bought a can and some petrol, returned and put it in the car. This was going to be an expensive trip I thought.

I drove to me shed, and loaded the gear I needed easily enough into the back of the Morris Minor. It didn’t take too much effort for me to eventually get the rusty back doors to close, just time, cut fingers and plastic ties.

Trying to sell Gas lamp light wick trimming gear is not easy you know.

The trip went okay, and the car drew much attention, mostly from the Dutch traffic police.

When night came, I left the Hotel Pooier and went for a walk around the city. I came across one of the many brothels, that was to be expected, but guess what I saw – a lucky chappie inside cleaning the windows. I wonder ho they paid him?

I got a bloke to take a picture of this like… what can I make of it?

I waved at him, but he hid behind the curtains.

Any when I got home, I took Gertrude back to the garage mechanic… sorry Vehicle technician, but the road was blocked off by police vehicles and armed response officers. I noted there were Counter Terrorist units, Police helicopters circling above, a Royalty Protection unit, Drug squad vans, Police dog units, Bailiffs, Reclaim Sheriff’s and a head-librarian in attendance.

I’ll try to contact him again next week… or not…

Inchcock Today: Friday 5th Sept 2014

Continuing from Thursday to Friday 5th September 2014

Thursday night: I prepared me sausage sarnies with BBQ sauce, I tried reading me book, but no sleep came. Put on a DVD, but no sleep came.

Eventually I drifted off… and the dreams came again, no idea what they were about, but these nightmares were not the only thing that kept waking me up. Each time I presumably moved in my sleep, the ‘Inch’ was rampant and oh so painful. Still, no bleeding from it last night, just pain.

WC.

Took rubbish out to bin.

My body told me it still wanted to sleep. But after having to get up and check things out medically, I could not nod off despite the weariness.

So, I got up, put the water heater on, started the laptop, made a cuppa, and took me medications.

WC.

Seemed quiet this morning (Fair enough, I’d not got me hearing aids in), and I had a feeling of dread or fear? Mingled with an expectancy in the air of disaster perhaps? Weird feelings abound.

I started to do/touch up some graphics and posts for me blogs.

WC. 

Took rubbish out to bin.

Got missen looking and smelling pretty, then set off to walk to Sherwood to donate me bit and pieces.

Got as far as the end of the road: I returned to the hovel to put me hearing aids in, and set off again. Managing to forget to call at the GP once again! Huh!

Got to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, and dropped off me bag. Asked about the donor card, and they found the one I’d filled in.

They gave me a card to lose later. Said me cheerios and went to catch bus into town.  On which I got through some more of me Eric Morecombe book, and nibbled some seaweed.

Not many people about for a Friday?

In town, I poddled through the centre, on me way to C&A to see if they had any cushion/pillow of the size I wanted, but no. I looked at their comfortably fitting shoes, but declined due to the £49 price tag.

So I tried the shoe Zone cheapo shop, and got a pair for £9.99.

Then tried another shop to see if I could obtain a pillow/cushion of the size I required. After mushc searching I gave up, came down to the ground floor to exit the premises – and saw one on display on a settee. I had a look at it, and it had a £26 price tag on it! But still, it looked just what I was after, so I treated missen to it.

I then made me to the 99p shop. And bought some lavender disinfectant for only 99p for 2.5 litres.

On me limp around the shop moseying, I saw some bread mix with balsamic vinegar. I thought me sister Jane might like that, so I rang her. While we were talking, I glanced outside the shop, and saw a lady take a tumble, so I stopped the call and went to see if she was alright. She was as it happens, so I walked her to her bus stop. She sounded fully compos mentis.

Rang Jane back, she didn’t want the bread mix though.

The bags were getting heavy again now, the knees and feet twinging too.

As I left the centre, a mobility scooter threatened, but veered off at the last moment – why am I plagued by these?

 I limped to the bus stop, struggling with the bags. (When will I ever learn?)

The buses were busy.

I went straight passed the GP surgery again, and got home, weary and annoyed with missen for spending so much.

Tsk!

Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: Around the Slab Square

 Around the Slab Square

Penned by our Nottingham WordPress resident the decrepit impecunious pensioner, of great senility and ill health Mr Juan Inchcock, with the hopes of encouraging.. er… well something!

Quote from Inchcock:

On my last walk around Nottingham City’s abandoned shops… I mean City Centre, I came across some council workers removing a sign from the wall.

The sign read:

‘Visit Nottingham Castle to hear the fables of Robin Hood and his Merry Men’

The graffiti written below it said:

‘Then visit Nottingham Council House to hear the fables of the Merry Men and their robbing hoods’

“I thought it was hilarious!”

The Lions at the front of the Council House

Created by Joseph Else, the 2 stone art-deco lions stand guard on either side of the entrance steps. They are similar in design to the lions used to publicise the British Empire Exhibition at Wembley in 1924-25. There are alternative ‘names’ attached to them, some people call them “Menelaus and Agamemnon”, others “Leo and Oscar”.

Whatever their names, arranging to meet ‘At The Lions’ has become an essential part of Nottinghamian life since the building opened.

The Left side Lion

1963:

Where the higher class ‘Totties’ would gather, hoping to ply their trade with the more affluent visitors to the ‘Black Boy’ hotel (Now criminally destroyed by backhander seeking councillors)  just along the road. I’m told the Totties provided £3 and £5 servicing.

2014:

A popular meeting point for the shoplifting squads and locals. The regular appearances of Protest meetings, Big Issue sellers, a Parking Attendants favourite point of observational value and during the regular various foreign markets, an absolute haven for pickpockets.

The Right side Lion – The more popular of the Lions as a meeting-up place.

1963:

Where local PC’s Dennis ‘Tug’ Wilson (7′ 2½ inches) and Geoffrey Baker (6′ 8½ inches) would position themselves to keep a keen eye on the populous of the City, and responding to questions from the public, and always alert.

2014:

The graffiti is cleaned off regularly nowadays. The CPO’s (Community Police Officers), and occasionally a real PC can be seen using their mobile phones, and if they are needed, as soon as they end their phone call, citizens can speak to them. Nearby you will find the Big Issue sellers, street artists, beggars, Motorbility scooters, Skateboaders, Cyclists and other dangers.

Special Foreign Market’s

1963:

No Special Foreign Market’s were held then. But there was a speakers corner.

2014:

Themed markets are a regular appearance in the slab square nowadays. Themes including: Lithuanian Foods, German, Polish, Austrian, Australian Foods, French Products, and Asian Foods. Amongst the items you would not have been offered in 1963 are: Kangaroo burgers, Shark steaks and Blueberry candyfloss.

Violence

The Sacheverell riots of 1710, riots were a series of public disorder outbreaks that spread across England during the spring, summer and autumn of 1710 in which supporters of the Tories attacked property and places of worship of Whigs St Mary’s Church just off the Slab square becoming a victim.

The Spitalfield Riots of 1769, Luddite Riots of 1812, Reform Bill riots of 1831, Racial Riots of 1958, Protest Riots of 1981, and the Protest Riots of 2014 all had occasion to ply their violence, along with other locations, on the Nottingham Slab Square. The muggings continue, but most of them have moved to the suburbs where there are fewer CCTV cameras.

1963:

I recall a few skirmishes between Mods and Rockers, and between football fans occasionally.

2014:

Last year there were 485 shoplifters arrested (Although less than 200 were prosecuted) – 211 arrests for using threatening behaviour or using violence – One murder – Nine stabbings – 156 assaults – 18 nights of rioting activity – 3 police vehicles fire-bombed and attacked – 4 police officers hospitalised – 9 Ram raids – 11 shop raids with violence – 2 street dwellers died. 8 people knocked over by drunken or illegal drivers – 4 Taxi drivers robbed and assaulted, and 126 muggings. Oh, and the nearest police station was fire bombed.

Transport

1963:

Black Taxi’s with white bonnets and boots lined up on the right side of the Slab Square. Fairs from 1/3p (5 ¼d) Some of the drivers could speak English too.

Trolley and Motor-buses with conductors ruled in this year. Tickets from 1p

2014:

Custom designed and built London style Taxi’s are now ranked off the Square. Fares from… well I don’t know, I can’t afford to use them nowadays.

The new Trams and Motor-buses without conductors rule now. Tickets from £1.80.

Retailers/Trade outlets

1963:

There were about 65 businesses around the square.

Lyons Cafe being another popular meeting place for Nottingham residents.

2014:

There are still about 65 businesses around the square, but a third of them are closed down.

There are now far more eateries, less banks, and the excessive proliferation of Pawn Shops, Charity Shops and Pay-Day Loan sharks were not around in 1963.

The new fountains are a popular place for children to play in and swear at passers by. Unemployed benefit seekers, immigrants, shoplifters, muggers, and wino’s to meet.

In the event of anyone being tempted to move to Nottingham for its Multiculturalism, Wealth, Serenity, or Placid lifestyle, as a result of these meanderings – Please read between the lines!

Inchcock Today: Monday 1st September 2014

Monday 1st September 2014

I arose wearily at 0600hrs.

Laptop started, made a cuppa, took medications and began doing posts fer me blogging. BT Internet permitting this occasionally this morning.

I decided I would go to Bulwell this morning to Fulton’s Freezer Shop, and see if I could acquire some more stocks of the cheapo but wonderful tasting microwave sausages.

Up to the bathroom to make myself beautiful… well a wash, shave and clean togs, and apply me necessary creams to the required components of me decrepit body anyway.

Made sure I’d got me camera, bus-pass, glasses, hearing-aids in, attack alarm, medications, Medical Awareness card, some money and mobile phone with me. (I’m getting better…. ain’t I?).

Shame I decided not to take me walking stick with me – ‘cause as I set off down the road to the bus stop, I had a some difficulty in detaching a little dog that seemed attracted to me right leg. Luckily it didn’t draw blood, despite its obvious intent to. Have to keep me eye out for this on future walks that way down the street. Tsk!

Caught the bus into Bulwell, and called in the Fulton’s there, but no microwave sausages, bother! I remembered there was a Fulton’s in Arnold, so I limped back to the bus station and caught a bus to Arnold.

I found the Fulton store on the Main Street, and hobbled in to search for the microwave sausages – there were only two left in the freezer, so I bought em, with a little sadness that there might be no more on the future, ‘cause I love the taste of em. I asked the manageress and she said they have some more in the back. So I made it three packs wot I bought. Then got carried away and bought some smoked haddock and ice lollies as well, now the bag was getting heavy.

On the way back to the bus stop to get home to me hovel, I called in the Iceland shop to see if they had and Warburtons wholemeal thins. They had, so I bought a pack… and some more iced lollies and cooked ham on offer… the money I spent… I daren’t take missen anywhere!

Then it really was a struggle to carry it all back to the bus-stop.

Dropped off in Carrington, just avoiding a passing Mobility Scooter in which the driver was supping from a can of lager!

Managed to get back to the flea-pit, and put the nosh away, definitely no room left in the freezer now!

Realised I’d left the water heater on, so a bit more money lost there.

Has some microwave sausage sandwiches with BBQ sauce, Marmite crisps followed by three ice lollies and a doughnut.

Bet I suffer later for that!

Inchcock Today: Birthday Boy 28th August 2014

Hanging onto the chair this time to stop himself tumbling over

Thursday 29th August 2014

Last evening, sister Jane rang me up to see if I was going to take a couple of buses and visit her today.

Odd thought I. It was then she asked me if I’d forgotten it was me birthday. I told her “Of course not Jane… cough cough…”

It seemed that I kept springing awake every half hour throughout the night, remembering I’d had a horrible dream each time I’d nodded off.

I had wanted to awake in time to listen on Radio4 extra’s programme ‘Hat’s Off’ Series 2 Episode 1 of 4 Maureen Lipman compiles and reinterprets monologues, letters and songs originally written and performed by Joyce Grenfell.

But no. Around 0350hrs I drifted off and slept until 0620hrs and missed it. Tsk and bother!

I peeped out of the bedroom window, raining/drizzle, and a mob of about 11 yob’s walking down the centre of the street. Luckily they kept walking. Early morning muggers, or late drinkers perhaps?

By 0650hrs, I was on the laptop and drinkin’ a cup of me newly purchased English Tea. (Not as good as I thought though, not very strong but they’ll do.)

Had a go on wordpress and facebook for a bit, then went up to do me ablutions and readying missen for me trip to see Jane and Pete.

I noticed that Google had put some cakes on their browser, with the words ‘Happy Birthday Gerald’ on em. This stirred my foggy mind, and I had a peep which other famous (Cough cough) folk had been born in August like wot I was: Hermann Göring (same day), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rudolph Hess, David Bowie, Napoleon Bonaparte, Obersturmbannführer August Becker,  Robert De Niro, Davy Crockett, Friedrich Schumann (Killed six people and executed), Deng Xiaoping, Evander Law (Confederate General) and Nikolai Dzhumagaliev Kazakh (Who killed and ate 8 women. Judged insane). Oh, and Shaun Connery.

It’s a shame for em that they couldn’t have been a little more successful like wot I am really.

Must remember to phone Jane before I set out, to see if me timing for the visit is okay with her.

Went on Facebook and got many birthday wishes that I appreciated, and Andy from the USA emailed me greetings. Course I’m still sat here on me own on the laptop. Depressed me, no not so bad really?

Got missen ready then I called Jane, it was arranged I’d get there (at their mansion) for about 1200hrs.

But, the best laid plans and all that…

A cracker of a card from Jane and Pete

Last job before leaving was to put me hearing aids in, but the tubes were missing. It was then I remembered I’d taken em out to soak em like, but could I find them? No!

He’s alright now, took his midday tablets. Still hanging on this time to the worktop to stop himself going over, bless him!

The postman called while I was searching, no cards in the mail, but then again there hasn’t been any for donkeys years now, no bother, no sweat. Mind you, the one I collected from JAne and Pete was a cracker!

Aha… found the tubes… where you ask (or should have). In the washing up bowl under the pots of course. No idea why. Took em out and gave em a good rinse, fitted em and I was off out.

Caught bus to town, then second bus out to West Bridgford.

The rain trickled down as I walked to their house.

We had a natter about nothing, but it was interesting. Pete showed me how his mobile phone can take wide shots. So I asked him to take a couple with me at the end, which he did.

Onion’s Jane wanted – Lidl fail again

The Feature Pic at the top of this page was taken by Pete, and doctored by Inchy… oh, that’s me!

Jane asked me if I would try to get her some onions in oil like wot I got her last month – this meant a visit to Lidl on the way home for me.

I managed to smile through the depression and pain for Pete to take a photo. Might be worth something in a few years when I’m dead and become famous yer know… or not.

A cuppa another natter, and I hobbled off on me walk to town to catch the bus back to the flea bitten hovel. (Thank heavens for the pensioners free bus pass!)

The walk to town took about 40 minutes, and me feet ached something chronic – then the rain started. Then the angina played up. Then me knees played up.

I had a walk (limp really) around town a bit, managing to avoid the multitudinous disability scooters, big issue sellers, cyclists on the pavement and Jehovah witnesses.

Did it rain? Yes!

The rain really started pouring for a few minutes as I was crossing the road to catch the bus back.

 I dropped off early, and nipped into Lidl, but they had not got any in what Jane wanted. Phoned Jane to inform her. I’ll have a walk to another Lidl tomorrow to see if they have any in for her.

Inchcock managed a smile through his pain

Yobs lurking as I got home, but no hassle as yet.

I’m going to have a veg and meat pastie, instant mash with cheese, garden peas followed by yogurt and an orange sucker… and they say I’m not refined eh? I bet the Queen isn’t gonna eat any better than me tonight… maybe. Mind you, she’ll be cooking it or washing up afterwards will she? God bless her cotton socks.

Health-wise it has not been a good day, otherwise okay. Can’t have it all ways can we.

Tut!

Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe: Part25 Twenty feet below Prince Charles in hospital

Twenty feet below Prince Charles, in the QMC Hospital, Nottingham

Inchcock listening to Radio 4 Extra

 I was, lying in a bed in the busy Ward E19 in the Queens Medical Centre, just after having had surgery, to repair a hernia, and treat prostate cancer. I was listening to the radio.

Tubes were extruding from various regions of body.

Particularly cumbersome was the drainage tube from my ‘Inch’, which at that time the bruising had swelled to such a degree I would have been happy to put up with if only it would have stayed that size.

For the life of me I can’t understand how they managed to get a camera and lazer down their!

Prince Charles, who had the Ward above to himself, with two nurses and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day – with me 20 feet below in Ward E19, who couldn’t get a bed pan! Bothered, jealous… me?

On the floor directly above the ward, was the ward where that Prince Charles had to himself, and two nurses, and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day, to have his tennis elbow looked at.

I was lying in extreme physical stress below, pressing the button for twenty minutes to get a bedpan! Then stuggle down the ward with me attachments hanging, to find that that WC was occupied! More later on that one.

The talk of the ward was the imminent arrival of Princess Diana to visit Prince Charles.

As I lay painfully awaiting another bedpan, the staff and patients were more interested in seeing ‘Lady Di’.

A student nurse arrived at my bedside and nervously informed me she had come to remove one of the drainage tubes, the tube from my little used, lesser endowed lonely lower regions.

She set about trying to release the valve to drain the air from it, she was so nervous (not her fault) the more she shook the pain increased – I was about to say something about this, when a great whoops and shouts of “Look it’s LadyPrincess Die” came from those who were looking out of the window down to the ground level outside, and there was a massive surge of staff and mobile patients to the East windows – indeed I feared the building might topple!

Inchcock – Worried, embarrassed or what?

Unfortunately, and unforgettably my student nurse was amongst those Royalists so keen to see her, and as she ran to the window to join the others, she took the tube with her, leaving me in great pain, and covered in blood and urine!

Afterwards, when she realised what she’d done, the poor thing burst into tears, and begged to be forgiven. Some ‘fully trained’ nurses appeared, and sent for a doctor, who arranged for me to have some X-rays, and I was transported to the radiology department, where I spent a good two hours in a draughty corridor waiting to be seen to.

When I was eventually returned to the ward, I’d missed the meal, and still wanted to use the bedpan!

I climbed into the bed, the nurse reminding me drink plenty of water all the time to get my bladder working.

I got my book out to read, by the time I’d read a chapter, I felt a warm wet sensation appeared between my legs. A quick peep, and the blood all over me and the bed, I pressed me red button, and eventually someone arrived – and boy did I get a rollicking off of ‘em for making a mess.

They grumpily cleaned up the bed and me, and almost threw me back into the newly cleaned bed.

Oh dear…

After a few beakers of water were imbibed, I felt the need for the WC – I hobbled painfully trying to stop any leaks, to the WC, it took ages. Unfortunately it was occupied.

I limped walking painfully cross legged to the one at the other end of the ward… it was torture really. As I got in front of the bowl, boy did me bladder release its contents. It was like a fire hose, painfully belting out and hitting the wall behind the WC, and rebounding back at me, covering me in blood, and leaving an outline of my body on the wall behind me!

Embarrassed, oh so embarrassed, I tried to clean some of it up with toilet paper, both rolls were used up in minutes.

By then, they had missed me cause it was time for me medications, and a nurse opened the door and said: “Are you in there Mr … oh good heavens!

I was again cleaned up, and lodged beck into the bed.

Inchcock was in great fear!

I thought the rollicking I got last time was fierce, but this one made me cringe.

I remember thinking at the time:

“I do so hope that Prince Charles’s tennis elbow was getting better, and he enjoyed his wife’s visit!”

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 26th August 2014

I was up at 0400hrs – blood from me Inch and rear quarters again. Got missen sorted, cleaned and antiseptically creamed. (Sound awful dunnit? But it’s alright… honest.)

Did me ablutions of all types and down the stairs and put the laptop on.

Back upstairs to the WC.

Back downstairs, put kettle on, took rubbish out, then had a cuppa and went on internet… for a few minutes until BT connection started playing up again. Tsk!

I place an order with Morrison’s for delivery twixt 0630 > 0730 in the morning. I used my £15 off Voucher.

I was going to the launderette, Nottingham Hospice charity shop, then QMC Anticoagulation (Warfarin level) blood test unit today – but I had some dizzy spells whilst sat down this morning. So I decided to call at the NHS Call-in centre and get appointment for the doctor. When I go there first (before the GPs surgery), they usually call the surgery and get me a quicker appointment.

Nottingham City – The Queen of the Midlands

I’ll take me stuff to the Age Concern charity shop today instead, because it’s on the way to the NHS centre in town.

Got missen lookin’ pretty and smelling nice, and set off on the walk into town.

I called in on the way at the launderette, had a chat with Mandy and Big John.

On me walk, I noticed how appealing some of the properties were on Mansfield Road, and took a couple of photo’s of them. I think these properties are why Nottingham City Council call it ‘Nottingham City – The Queen of the Midlands’ (Hehehe!)

I realised as I got in town, that I had not got me mobile with me, and considered having it with me as most important and needed, in the event of my getting mugged again, or collapsing and it being there to call for help!

A bargain here methinks. Mobile and £20 air-time for ££29.95. Old type phone mind, but owt newer would confuse me?

So I called in the O2 shop on Clumber Street to see how much a Pay-as-you-go phone would cost me. But no one moved when I entered the shop, just gave me suspicious looks?

So I limped over to Victoria Shopping Centre and called in the first mobile shop I came to ‘Phones 4 U’, and was approached on entry by a chap who immediately reminded me of ‘Private Walker’ from ‘Dads Army’ Nudge nudge, wink wink type like!

Anyway, he soon got sorted with a phone for £9.95, set it up and got it going like for me. I bought £20 air-time I think they call it, so got it all for £29.95. Even if he was a little unenthusiastic about it. So now, I can keep it in me bag all the time, and know if I do forget me main one, I’ll have a life-line. (5p a minute) All I’ve got to do, he says, is make one call a month. What do you think? Did I do right?

QMC this morning

So off the charity shop and donated me bits.

Then to the NHS centre. Bless ‘em, they got me an appointment for the morning with the GP.

Then I was off to catch the bus to the hospital.

Read a bit of me Eric Morecome book en route. The sunshine is out now, so in celebration I took a photo of the entrance.

Bulwell’s bustling market?

They soon saw to me, and I was out (Raining now) and in the queue for Bulwell bus.

Arrived in Bulwell, limped off the bus (Me knees had stiffened during the ride)

The crap Market was on today. I went in the pound shop to get some weed-killer.

Then a walk to the cheapo shop, but they had nowt worth bothering about in again.

Gorgeous!

Then to Fultons Frozen Food shop, and got another pack of the microwave sausages. (Oh I do love em!) I hope I can get me frozen lollies in the freezer that I ordered for tomorrow. (Yer see, any normal person, would not have bothered to share that with you would they – Worrying innit?)

Mobility scooters were around in number today… oh dear.

Great read this

I limped to the bus station to catch the 17 back to the flea-pit, big queue. Read more of Eric Morecombe book.

Dropped off at Carrington, walked to the hovel.

Put kettle on, started laptop.

WC.

A constant danger to hobbling Inchcock these!

Had a search for me mobile – no luck yet, but I’m sure I saw it earlier this morning.

WC.

Started to do this blog.

WC.

Found mobile in bathroom. Why I didn’t think earlier of looking between the shaving foam and fresh air sprays I’ll never know. I’m glad I did though, because I also found me spare glasses.

Huh!

Inchcock Today: Mon 25th Aug 14

Monday 25th August 2014

A nice trip out for the old git

Drizzly day

Woke about 0400hrs, couldn’t nod off again. Lay there thinking of the horrible dreams I’d been having. Thought I might record em on this bog. By the time I’d gotten downstairs made a cuppa and me porridge, I couldn’t remember em, huh!

BT internet in and out again this morning.

Inchcock gets mechanical

Found missed call, voice-mail message (that I could not hear), and text message from Big John Wayne me mate. Said he’s going to Papplewick Pumping Station today, and he will ring me in the morning (today).

Got some blogging done despite BTs best attempts to foil and frustrate me completely.

Big John cautious with the horse

Rang BJ, and agreed to go with him and his better half Julie.

I had to be  at his dwelling a 1230hrs.

Did me ablutions (No blood, hurrah!).  Dizzy spell whilst having a wash and shave.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood to BJs house.

Inchcock looking happy (Worrying that!)

We set of and got to Papplewick about 1300hrs.

 Great walk about, and natter to many folk there. Despite the rain, we all enjoyed it, me very much so. Nice to get out with someone to talk to.

Fed the fish in the pond. Fussed a horse in the WW1 display, and it didn’t bite or kick me either!

Inchcock pretends he is talking to someone

I got back about 1605hrs, BJ dropped me off at the house.

Made cuppa, and got laptop going to update this blog.

BT internet in and out again.

Later, did some microwave sausage sandwiches for me nosh.

By gum, I live the good life yer know… or not?

I actually made a friend today at Papplewick Pumping Station yer know… her was big, hairy, had four legs, big teeth, and wafted her tail in my direction…

Inchcock’s new friend. Daisy!

TTFN all.

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