Inchcock Today: Thur 18th Sept 14

04W001

Thursday 18th September 2014

Up at 0530hrs, attention needed to the bleeding ‘Inch’ again, on me last bandage as well. Still I remembered I’d got me Asda delivery coming, ‘cause I’d set me alarm on mobile to remind me – mind you, I can’t remember setting the alarm on me mobile to remind me? And there was some ordered on it. Both types I have to use.

Started to finish me Tuesdays Diary post for Inchcock, and I was not allowed to change me font colour. When I clicked on the font colour selection button, nothing happened? I closed and opened wordpress twice to try again. Then closed Google Chrome and tried again, and the option came back to life. Anyone else had the same 04W01thing happen to them please?

Inch started bleeding again. Tsk!

Asda order arrived… and guess what I ordered in mistake for the foam bandage? – Ladies towels! I took a photo on top of me medications for yer to see.

After spending two and a half hours constructing a graphic to use ont web – Coreldraw9 crashed, and I lost it all! Bother!

Decided to get me things ready for Hospice shop, polish missen up a bit, and talk a walk into Sherwood with the togs for em.

05Th02bMade sure I applied pain gel in larger quantity than usual. Daren’t take any extra painkillers, ‘cause I’m on me limit already. Tsk!

I walked/limped into Sherwood: Keeping a weary out for mobility scooters and skateboarders.

Donated me stuff at the Nottingham 05Th01Hospice shop, then caught a bus into Mansfield.

< Photo of the retail premises closed down as I left the B&M store. Had a walk around, got some bits of nosh for the nurses from B&M stores.

Caught the bus back to Nottingham. Feeling drained yet again, I got me head down, and for once soon nodded off – even if I kept waking-up in need of the WC.

Friday 19th September 2014

Up at 0130hrs Confused with why I’d got up at 0130hrs!

BT fibre connection coming on line today. I’ve got me new modem ready with instructions on how to set it up when they have connected it. Just hope it works.

Started the laptop, made a cuppa.

0145hrs: When I tried to get into Google everything froze.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted in safe mode with web.

Selected ‘System Restore option.

0245hrs: Got laptop going, didn’t go into Google first, but updated this diary in case I lost everything again when I try the web.

Then I tried Google… it was very very slow (everything on the laptop).

When I tried to open Coreldraw9, a message came up telling me that certain filed for Coreldraw8 were not on the system? I could not gain access at all.

&@~?@*!

So, I had to remove Coreldraw9 from the laptop, and reinstall it again!

By now it is 0505hrs, and still nowt done, and I’ve got the problem of the new modem to contend with later today – cor blimey am I uptight.

I’m now going to try and open Coreldraw9 again…

It took three minutes, but it’s opened.

I fear I may lose the laptop soon, she’s lasted well…

Now to try Google…

Slow, but it opened and let me get into Inchcock to finalise and post this load of tosh.

05Th02And it only took me around four hours of hassle! (Good job I did get up early innit?).

Took me medications in celebration!

Oh, by the way, some good news – Coreldraw9 now working (slowly) again, and letting me post in colour! For now anyway…

Laptop, BT internet and death permitting, I’ll be back!

Inchcock Today: Wed 17th Sept 14

Wednesday 17th September 2014

03W01

03W02I was up and treating me Inch bleeding by 0245hrs. Got some more cheapo bandages coming with me Asda order tomorrow, just in time.

Down and laptop on and cuppa made by 0314hrs.

WC

Yobs walking down the middle of the street at this hour. Slightly inebriated methinks?

I tried the site that Duncan advised me to again, but I couldn’t work out how to get me graphics onto it, let alone save em. Again! Thick? Me?…

Finished and posted me Inchcock Today for Tuesday, and did work on “Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens” post.

AC01Being as I hit the Publish button by mistake for the Preview button, I had to make sure I finished it then by updating. Tsk! Never mind, it took me yonks but I really enjoyed doing the graphic for it.

WC.

Morrison’s delivery came at 0819hrs – all there, no substitutions, and a very nice lady delivering it too!

WC.

I managed to drop me things I was taking upstairs, and twisted me knee trying to stop em falling – now Arthur Itis is toying with me again. Hello, a police car just went passed. A rare sight that.

Came down and sat on me reading glasses.

Laptop a little slow this morning… oh dear.

I put in an Asda order, cause I needed bandages, Cheesey curls and cheapo bleach.

WC.

Got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice shop and hobbled off out of the house without forgetting anything (I hope).

Called in the GP surgery and booked appointment for 1040hrs next Monday. I could have taken one for Friday, but that’s the day me new modem is to be delivered from BT.

03W04Knees bad again as I struggled into Sherwood and dropped me stuff off at the Hospice.

Mobility Scooters were rampant!

Caught bus into town, had a limp around and called in the library, to work out how to use their computers cause me bus-pass allows me a free hour each week, and with me laptop on its last legs, I could let everyone know by using their email. But no, they were closed down for servicing.

Took me midday medications in the slab-square, thought about giving one to the pigeons… not really like.

They’re erecting the buildings on the square ready for the World War show and display – telling fold how the Nottingham people coped and hat they had to put up with.

03W03I heard on the radio (Headphones yer know), that in 1916 the council made it illegal for anyone to buy a round of drinks in a pub! You were not allowed to even buy your spouse a drink apparently? They interviewed a landlady of the pub who’s landlady was prosecuted for allowing a man to buy a drink for him and his wife.

I hope to get down and have a gander when it starts. I think it’s part of the BBC series: a link here if you’re interested:

http://www.experiencenottinghamshire.com/whats-on/bbc-world-war-one-at-home-tour-p612681

Frid Sat and Sun it’s on. I’ll try to get some photos if I can get there okay.

Caught the bus back, dropped off at Lidl and got some bits – I nearly fell asleep in the queue at the checkout. Good job those behind kept pushing me.

Walked back to the flea-pit and collapsed in pain with me knee and weariness. Put some extra pain gel on em.

WC.

Poor old devil.

Made some microwave sausage sarnies, and took me medications with em.

Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens

AC01

 Nottingham’s new Arboretum Pond-side Cafe/Take Away Opens with 99% local menu dishes!

The inventiveness of a Nottingham pensioner, with the help of the Job Centre Plus staff, and a grant from the Alcoholics Association Support Group, has opened a new take-away in the local City Centre situated in the picturesque crime ridden Arboretum.

It’s been built in the renovated old Public Conveniences’ building. And fitted out with equipment from closed down Old People’s Homes, Fire bombed Police stations, and the recently closed Ukrainian Soup Kitchen, it is now, after 3 years hard work, ready for business.

AC02Situated in the centre of Nottingham’s Arboretum, it’s just up the hill behind the aviary, where the mugging took place last week; it has been painted in City Council colours of green and yellow, has a special kitchen chimney to avoid polluting the Arboretum’s ambience.

Mr Zoltan Peppa, the chef and co-proprietor, claims 99% of his menu is sourced locally.

He said: “My dishes willa be different, and mosta importantly, reasonabably priced, (Hic!), un ahaving local a connections”

On the opening menu are:

African Grey Parrot and suet dumplings (Do get confused ith the cheaper dish of Nottingham Pigeons and suet dumplings as the they both have grey feathers)

Served with baked acorns on a bed of Pondweed and crushed periwinkles. Marinated in a thick ketchup and rice-vinegar sauce. Served with wild mushrooms, acorn juice, fried conker skins, and if requested can be coated in Marijuana pepper.

£2.99 without pepper – £17.50 with pepper.

Beheaded Stickleback Stew

The delicately boned flesh of (The Gasterosteidae family) choice Arboretum Pond stickleback fish, plopped in a pan of seasoned Pondwater flavoured imitation bream-brine, white pepper, salt, gungo beans, plain Lithuanian flour, mango-sugar, and local tap water. Stewed for over two hours.

£3.95

Pigeon Curry

Locally procured plump pigeons, de-feathered, beheaded, gutted and marinated in a rich popular local marinade of curry powder, Chilli powder, BBQ ketchup, none brewed condiment, raspberry jam, salt, and crushed beaks of Nottingham Arboretum Mallard pond ducks.

£2.99

Jobcentre Soup

Local tap water, with Mulligatawny soup (Asda own label), pretend balsamic vinegar, and freshly dug potatoes from the nearby allotments of nearby residents at night to assure freshness are added. With a four inch thick slice of locally shop-lifted Continental bread.

£1.45

Police Station Fire Bombed Tikka Surprise

Vindaloo curry, garlic, raw red capsicums, flamed Patna rice and rare Nottingham canal seaweed, hot chilli, burnt toast, and locally bred roasted frog legs, with Szechuan sauce.

£3.87

Unemployed Pasty

Due to excessive demand in advanced bookings, we’ve run out of ingredients for this pasty. It is no longer unavailable, sorry.

(Locally collected) Birds (Swifts) Nest Soup

Swiftlets make their nest from strands of gummy saliva, which hardens when exposed to air. Once the nests are harvested, they are cleaned and collected by ourselves from the many trees in the Arboretum, where they are prepared and served simmered in our own recipe of squirrel’s broth, with rock sugar, pond water, green onions, lamb stock, Sparrow’s egg whites, ginseng roots, cornstarch, and used McDonalds cooking fat. Served on its own, and very enjoyable with a stick of root liquorice.

£9.99

Sparrow legs & Imitation Belly Pork slices steamed in local sunflower leaves.

A cheap meal for one. The skilfully dissected toasted legs, are marinated in black bean sauce with suet overnight, and served with a side dish of (Tesco) out of date fried in beef stock imitation belly pork slices, decorated with the delicately prepared blanched spread Sparrows wings.

£1.59

Boiled Locally gathered Eggs Cocktail

A nice mix of Budgerigar, Mallard duck, Pigeon, Sparrow, Blackbird, and Canary eggs, mixed in a favourite local mixture of pizza, hamburger, and chip patties. With, ketchup, mayonnaise, curry powder, and beef dripping.

£2.99

Drinks Available:

Cheap Tea (Asda, Morrisons, or Tesco own label) 19p

Best Tea (Yorkshire, Co-op 99, or English Breakfast) 70p

Cheat Tea made with Purified Pond water & lemon 40p

Coffee – Not available

Shoplifted Coke or Cola 50p

Brewed tap water & Red Bull 90p

Health Warning:

When entering the Arboretum, we thought you would like to know that the majority of the muggings take place at the Mansfield Road end entrance, or near the trees. And the last two murders took place at the top end near the fire-bombed destroyed Arboretum Hotel.

Inchcock Today: Tue 16th Sept 14

Tuesday 16th September 2014

Up at 0430hrs. No kip much last night, I’m getting irritable now. And that’s not a good idea when you live alone, cause it’s only yourself you can take it out on.

Gawd I hate missen!

Thu01Between WC visits I got the laptop going, made a cuppa and took me medications.

Still no luck with getting colour graphics to me posts.

I tried the site that Ratty advised me to, but couldn’t work out how to get me graphic onto it, let alone save em. Thick? Me?…

Got me laundry ready and set off. As I was hobbling along, Arthur Itis stabbed me up me left knee – the worst single pain ever shot through me limbs, and I said: “Well fancy that!” Not exactly but…

Got me laundry done, but I wasn’t in good spirits.

Came back to the flea-pit, and tried again at sorting out what was wrong with me laptop or Coreldraw9 package, waste of me time that was.

02T 01

Updated me Lochmaben post for the Inchcock site. Mononchrome graphics of cause. But I did a decent one of me at the van with me tackle. (Fishing tackle I might add!)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERADecided around 1315hrs, I’d get some more stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and take a hobble to Sherwood with it. I just hope the left knee ain’t too painful, if it is still, I’ll have to go see the GP in the morning… well, go get an appointment.

That is if I remember.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAYobs lurking about outside as I left the hovel.

Hobbled with Arthur Itis in my left knee rampant, up to Sherwood’s Nottingham Hospice shop with the bits for them.

Crossed the road and caught bus into Arnold.

I managed to get the last pack of cheapo OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAmicrowave sausages in Fulton’s foods, then waddled into Iceland and got some lollies.

Managed to avoid yet another mobility scooter seemingly, driven by a drugged or drunk driver as it forced its way through the fleeing pedestrians.

Limped to the bus stop and caught bus back to Carrington. I intended when I got off the bus, to call at the GP surgery to book an appointment, but I stopped to empty me bag of some rubbish into a roadside bin, as I was doing so a car ran into the back of a parked van. The van driver sitting behind his wheel banged his head on it, no air-bag? Anyway, I called the emergency services and went to see if he was alright.

He was fine, but I think he would have liked to have beheaded the driver of the Mistubishi that hit him. Gave details to the police when they arrived, then hobbled home, well tired again.

Not up to doing owt when I got in, so got me head down to try and get some sleep.

Inchcock’s Angling Holidays – No. 1 – To Lockerbie (Updated)

Hol01b

I hope the Ale tastes better than it did

Robin Hood (Lousy ale) Angling Club

The mates I used to go on holiday with were: Bill Bates, and Jock Kirkpatrick, and Hol02Mad Ken.

We’d rented a cottage in Lockerbie for the week, feeling assured that Jock would be able to show us the places to find the best fishing.

We filled up the Austin J4 van with the fishing tackle, baits, and fodder we thought we’d need and set off in the van, the box that Ken dropped on me foot didn’t cause too much bruising.

Ken was driving first, then I did for a bit, then Ken took over again. We got just over the English/Scotland border before we got lost.

We used to have a little bet between each other each day we fished, £1 for the biggest fish caught, £1 for the most fish caught, and £1 for the biggest weight of fish caught. In the event of a draw or no fish caught, we used to donate the bet money to the NSPCC.

We arrived (2 hours after the ETA), found the owner, and ensconced ourselves in the cottage.

We agreed I’d do the breakfasts and snap, Jock would do the evening meals, Bill would do the cleaning, and Mad Ken would do the driving. Nothing if not democratic we were.

Next morning, after breakfast, we went on a recce to find Lochmaben to suss out the fishing.

We asked a local resident, sat on the verge with a bottle of Iron Brew, which direction the Loch was in, and we think he said, “Right straight up the hill, carry on, it’ll be on your left!”

Hol01b1After about five miles, with no sight of Lochmaben we thought we must have passed it somewhere, and spotted a chap ambling along the lane, we stopped and asked him.

His reply was double-dutch to Bill, Ken and I.

As we drove off none the wiser, and asked Jock for a translation, and he said he’s no idea what he was talking about either, he was born in the Outer Hebrides and couldn’t understand what the man was saying any more than we three Sassenachs could!

Hol05

Something that none of us caught all week! Huh!

We got the map out, and decided to carry on to Motherwell instead. A further ten or so miles on, we saw the sign for the Loch!

After five days fishing the four of us had yet to get a bite, let alone a fish, and was out of pocket on the bets.

We found a pub called the Midland Hotel out in the wilds, and visited for a pint and a game of dominoes. The landlord came from Derby. At ten o’clock, he told us to go into the bar side and drinking will continue in the cellar!

And he was serious.

Sure enough, at ten o’clock we went into the absolutely packed out bar, and within a few minutes, everyone was filing through behind the bar, and down the steps into the cellar, which proved to be a fully equipped bar, with tables chairs, and piped music!

Around about midnight a pair of legs appeared walking down the steps from above, they were wearing black boots, and a black pair of trousers… as it came down, it revealed the bottom of his tunic, his torch, and the shiny buttons on his uniform – yes it was a police officer.

I thought “Bloomin’ ‘eck, we’re for it now.

But no, he spoke to no one, just walked to the bar and grasped the pint that had been poured in silence for him, belched, turned and disappeared up the steps. Amazing!

The electrics played up on the van, and with Mad Ken the only one with any knowledge of the engine and mechanics of vehicles, he toyed with it for ages, and sure enough, he got the lights back on. No indicators, but at least we could see where we were going.

My turn to drive us back to the cottage, and I tried to followed the three sets of verbal directions being given me, while attempting to read the map and drive the van.

We set off, and in the middle of the wilds… splutter, jump, jerk.. stop! We had ran out of petrol, but the fuel gauge read half full, the electrics playing up again?

The lads kindly elected me to walk to the village or whatever it was we could see in the distance. It took me about an hour to get there, there was three cottages, a big house, and thank heavens a garage! I enquired if he could assist us, and judging by his body language (I could not tell clearly what he was actually saying with his accent), he wanted me to join him on his Land Rover, and we went to the lads waiting in the van.

Hol07

We wus fed well at any-rate!

We were towed to the village, and the chap had a look at the van, and decided spare parts were needed and told us he could get them in a few hours, and then it would take about 2 hours to sort the panel out.

He kindly said we could pay his missus, and she’d provide a meal for us while we waited, and led us to one of the cottages. As we walked down the path to the house, the door opened, and the man’s wife ducked to get through the door, and came out to greet us.

She was about 6’5″ tall, muscular, wide, and scared the shit out of us. But needs must and we went in and settled in the front room, while she conjured up a meal for us.

She came back in with a massive plate for each of us, fully filled with fodder. The only thing I could recognise in the offerings, were the tatty-scones, as for the other nourishment on the plate, well I’ve no idea, but it tasted okay to me.

That cost us nearly all of the money we had left, still we were going home now.

We were away in our now working van by about 1900hrs, and by 1925hrs on our way home… we were lost again.

When we eventually arrived back in Nottingham, I dropped Bill and Mad Ken off, then took Jock and myself back home. (Jock and I lived in the same terrace of two-up two-down hovels)

The house had been burgled in my absence, and there was three bills lying at the foot of the letter box than needed paying!

A disappointing holiday to say the least.

Inchcock Today: 14-15th Sept 2014

HTopDiarySunday 14th September 2014

A few springing awakes, in response to bodily calls for the WC overnight. I forced missen up at 0445hrs. Blood all over me lower regions again, I wus a bit concerned for a while, but it stopped after a little attention.

01M002WC.

Made cuppa, took medications.

WC.

I spent so long trying to sort out me Coreldraw problem, again without the slightest hint of any success. It’s all beyond me yer know.

Monday 15th September 2014

Not so good this morning, angina very bad and dizzy spells rampant, may have to go see the GP methinks.

I was up at 0505hrs after another night of nightmares and WC visits. Juan is getting fed up with this now.

Hard to concentrate this morning.

Now the guts have started rumbling again. Tsk!

WC.

Cuppa, WC and laptop started. Had another go at trying to find out what was the matter with Coreldraw9, but not knowing what I was doing didn’t help at all.

Beautified myself as best I could, washed, teggies, shaved, clean togs etc, and got things ready for my hospital visit for Warfarin level tests.

I set off to take some things to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, (DVDs togs and cutlery).

Got as far as the end of the street, then returned to put me hearing aids in.

01M001Set off again… then returned to the hovel to retrieve the bag of stuff for the Hospice that I’d left when I returned to put me hearing aids in… Tsk again!

Hobbled into Sherwood to the Hospice shop, (Bit of traffic about this morning) then caught bus into town and went into the pound shop for a gander.

01M02Got some desserts to add to the things for the nurses treats at the Queens Medical Centre Haematology dep’t. I like to treat em and make em smile yer know.

When I came out of the Pound Shop, I came across a Greek chap selling fish and chips from his van, and a Mobility Scooter driver, who had left his scooter in the middle of the avenue, and was busy stood 01M04there digesting his nosh, while others had to walk around his deadly scooter, and cars had to wait until he’d finished his nosh. Amazing really innit?

I caught bus out to the QMC, and saw a sports car that had left the road and ran into a wall. Emergency services were there.

01M05Dropped off the bus, and wandered up to the entrance – to find that yet again the fire alarm had activated, and a mass of bodies: ambulance team members, patients who had nipped out for a fag in the No Smoking Area, out-patients, visitors and, judging by how many shoulder-charged me as they belted passed me when we were allowed to enter, Olympic sprinters and rugby players!

I hid in a corner and let em get through, then hobbled in and got me ticket. All done in five minute of entering the dept, I limped to the bus stop and caught a bus to 01M01Bulwell – in the hope of getting some more Microwave sausages and any other cheapo offers. But, there were neither available.

A mobility scooter personage drove passed a stall and knocked some stuff off the display – he never paused at all, just drove on to scare someone else…

But at least none of the deadly mobility scooter drivers got me today.

01M06

I might regret saying that later…

Back to the bus station, and caught bus back to the hovel.

When I got in and settled, the yobs appeared on the street… so I went upstairs and got me head down early.

Inchcock Today: Sat 13th Sept 2014

In the event of Inchcock disappearing from the web, this will be due to his demise or laptop problems – in either eventuality he hopes he will return ASAP.

HTopDiarySaturday 13th September 2014

I was throughout the night making use of the WC. Rumbling runny stomach ache, and each time I woke up, I felt sorry for myself about the Coreldraw/laptop situation.

Arose at 0500hrs WC, cold this morning, stomach churning, down and made a cuppa, laptop on, tried saving in colour on Coreldraw but failed again, a black and white world for me now. Tsk! I can import any graphics wot I dun earlier straight into WordPress in colour or straight from me camera, but any I create or doctor will only save to disc in mono.

WC. (Cor blimey, wot an aroma!)

I hope I do not have any accidents with the runs when I go to see Sister Jane later at jumble sale where she is a volunteer at the Friary United Reform Church Charity Jumble Sale in West Bridgford.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Where I hope to move into to live

Having utterly failed to get Coreldraw9 to export or save anything I’ve created or doctored in colour, and feeling a tad depressed, I closed everything down and did me ablutions.

On me walk/limp into town, I took a photo of the building where I hope, God willing, to move into. Sheltered housing flats, they are to the right of the Baptist Church in the photo on the right.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Best avoided if you want any help with laptops

Carried on with me limp hobble into city centre, and caught the bus out to the Friary Church. As I was walking own Musters Road, I espied a Computer shop and called in to see if they could help me with getting Coreldraw onto a new laptop and how much would it cost please. With a puzzled look on his face, he didn’t know what Coreldraw was, so he could not help me. Feeling low, and with a grumbling tummy, I carried on to the church.

Then had a dizzy spell, luckily it passed quickly this time.

At the church, I searched around the jumble sale that was in many different rooms, and found her busy behind her stall, serving and watching for jumble sale-lifters, and there were many of those.

Managed a few little natters with Jane, and then she told me that they had some books on sale in another part of the building in the front block, (Jane’s stall was bric-a-brac) so I took a look. Bought a book about Farcical Football Matches, it looks very interesting.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

My Sister Jane, still looking good after working at the Church Jumble sale!

Help em clear up after the jumble sale, then waited outside with Jane for Pete to arrive to give her a lift home.

Took her photo while she waited, come out nice I think. (David Bailey – phrr!)

Pete arrived and I took me leave and got bus back to City. Avoiding the mad mobility scooters, skateboarders and cyclists on the pavements, I made me way to the bus stop, and caught bus back to the depressingly named home.

I started laptop to try and find out what had gone wrong with it or Coreldraw, but by the time it had loaded, I was feeling so depressed and tired, I turned it off, and retired.

Sat04

Inchcock Today: Fri 12th Sept 2014

WF1

Woke up several times as usual during the night. A very active Arthur Itis in me left knee still visiting and a new tummy ache – but more concerning at the moment, Montezuma’s revenge (diarrhoea) each time I woke up I utilised the porcelain pot!

As I write this, I’ve been up about half an hour, laptop on, made cuppa and took me morning medications and I’ve been back up to the WC twice already. No make that three times… back in a bit…

 I was only just in time. Oh dear, that was unpleasant.

Looked at some blogs, checked emails. Then worked on creating graphics for me next post – However, for some reason when I tried to export me art to jpeg, it would only export as monochrome!!! Confused, I searched the web for help, but could find none applicable to me problem?

Whether it was Coreldraw or the laptop causing the error I don’t know.

Frustrated, I finished using mono smudges and gave up.

Took the rubbish out to the bins.

I had to call BT, about my free upgrade as advertised in their letter to me, as the link address given in the letter did not work, and I had to use the mobile (Cause the BT land-line is crap, I can’t hear anything cause of the noise in the background) and the foreign sounding gentleman’s voice from gawd knows where didn’t help. After (I hope) refusing his offer of my buying a new phone, and an upgrade to Super-Infinity web connection, I pointed out that the letter in my hand from BT said: “Your Free upgrade to BT Infinity is ready and waiting for you to claim. Superfast broadband for the same pice as your paying now! It’s easy and completely Free!”

He pointed out that the costs all round were going up in two weeks. Would I like a TV compatible whatever it was he said. “No, I do not have a TV set.” That shook him, he went silent for a few a seconds.

So it transpired that I can expect my new modem to be delivered on Friday 19th between 0700hrs and 1800hrs. I asked at this point if it is easy to set up, or have I got ot contact someone and the line went dead! 

Got a wash up, and went on a walk to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop with some stuff.

Stopped off at continental shop and got some bread and boscek.

Then after dropping off me stuff at Hospice place, I called at a computer shop in Sherwood and asked them if they could supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if so – they could not.

I crossed the road and tried at another computer shop, “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

I caught the bus into town, and called at the first computer on Mansfield Road, asking them “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Went a few shops up to the other computer shop “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Went to computer shop on Upper Parliament Street, “Could you supply me with a laptop powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw, and a Coreldraw programme disc, and how much would it cost if you could – they could not.”

Frustrated beyond tolerance I walked to PC World and asked the same question there: they could not.

Really down now.

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit, bitter, twisted, annoyed and pissed-off!

Tried again to sort out what the problem really is using internet Coreldraw-help-pages (Thanks Mike) but no luck at all.

A bitter old man tonight – but hey-ho, monochrome will have to do for the foreseeable future for Inchy. (SHIT!)

Hah!, and double Hah! Me radio’s stopped working now!

1600hrs: I tried removing Coreldraw9 and reinstalling it – oh dear, here I go…

1720hrs: No such luck, still not working properly!

Huh!

Now the yobs are lurking again! Am I pee’d off!

New Super-hero film to be produced in Nottingham

0101a

A small Nottingham budget film company, 4Ms (Mike’s Majestic Monochrome Machinations Inc.) has acquired pro tem financial backing from Walt Disney Euro, to go ahead with its brand new super-hero film series.

01001eAs I approached the companies new main studio, I was greeted my one of the owners a Clivey-boy, along with a rather gorgeous young lady at his side (He appeared to be involved in fund raising for the film I assumed), and was pointed in the direction I needed to go to find Mike, the majority shareholder in the company.

0101cAs I approached the companies new main studio, I was greeted my one of the owners a Clivey-boy, along with a rather gorgeous young lady at his side (He appeared to be involved in fund raising for the film I assumed), and was pointed in the direction I needed to go to find Mike, the majority shareholder in the company.

Mike was in the process of interviewing a little known actress called Letitia Prodworthy for the lead female part in the film.

Actors considered for the starring role were:

0101b

Majority shareholder of the company, Mike explained the idea and plans for the series to the Aged Arthritics Association Entertainment reporter C. Verilittal; “We had noted that there are currently no really ugly, disabled, or elderly super-hero’s making films nowadays. In the old days we had Ernest Borgnine in films, and the 01001flikes of Cannon, and Kojak on the Television”.

Incock came into the shed/studio, and disappeared into the WC.

Mike coughed then continued; I believe we have come up with a character that can fill all of those traits, with our new 68-year-old virgin actor Juan Inchcock. He is keen to learn, and likes the idea of becoming well known and people talking to him.

We offered him £15,000 a film to start with, but he thought that would be too much for a novice like himself, and demanded we pay him £50 a film, but wanted free cups of tea, time off to feed the ducks, private medical cover and £10,000 for the Nottingham Hospice. So we readily agreed.

After hearing the list, I had to agree that Inchcock has all the natural attributes that can be used in the films, originality, ugly looks and he comes so cheaply too.

The immediate advantages of our using Inchcock in the role are:

Inchcock: This will be presented as a novelty, and never has a smaller novelty been revealed on film!

Impetigo: His Impetigo can be used as a slow motion weapon, as he passes it on through touch to the villains!

Hearing Aids: These can be used as radio transmitters, oral sat-nav, or radio receivers. There is great scope for many uses, never before used in movies!

Spectacles: Never have cracked NHS plastic-framed thick lensed spectacles been used by a super-hero in films before, another first for our company!

Arthritis: This will ensure a perfectly balanced and genuine limp is caught on film, and the screams of agony on bad days will be genuine! And how many stars of the past do we see dropping things unexpectedly as their fingers/hands freeze up? Inchcock will be so original in the part.

Colostomy Bag: Never knowingly been worn before by any super-hero in films, yet another first?

Medications: Never has a super-hero been filmed having to stop to take his medications throughout the production, a first for us once more!

Pot Belly: We anticipate this being used in the combat scenes, like a miniature Big Daddy would have used his.

Bald Head: The perfect example, naturally shiny, it can be used in the sunny scenes to blind his opponents with the sun’s reflection. There has been a few bald super-hero’s with a bald head, Kojak, Yul Brynner etc. But never one with such a misshaped head as Inchy’s!

Inchy’s stutter: He’s apparently had a stutter when he talks to members of the opposite sex since the age of nine, when he was caught in the girls shower and certain comments were made about his appendage, that brought on his phobia. As far as we know, there are no other lead actors with a stutter in the industry, another first for Mike’s Majestic Monochrome Machinations Inc.

Bow Legs: Apart from cowboy hero’s, bowed legs have not been used in super-hero films before!

Few Teeth remaining: This will make it so easy for us to use false teeth getting knocked out on set! Saving money again!

Ready-made Scars: Perfect for simulating injuries obtained in his fight for justice in the films. His cardiac surgery scars, groin scars from Hernia and cancer operations, leg/groin scars from Prostate surgery, stomach wounds from Duodenal Ulcer procedure, a multitude of head scars and dents to make use of, crushed toes scar, left two arm scars, three right arm scars, one left leg scar, left knee operation scar, right knee wound scar, two left hand scars, one right hand scar, four facial scars, and his misshaped in the boxing ring broken nose, will all be of immense value to us, and save a fortune on special effects.

0101dWe caught up later in the day with 4Ms Mike, as he was working on the script at home. He said: “It is hoped, that the Nottingham production of the as yet untitled super-hero series, will begin in March 2015, as soon as the £25.00 financial backing from Walt Disney is confirmed. I’m sure the film industry and its fans are getting very excited about this new concept. I just hope Inchy doesn’t kick the bucket before he can get a chance of success and fame, and for us to make a mint from his singular qualities as a cheap pillock.”

The theme to be used, is that of an 80 year old ex gas lamp wick trimmer from Nottingham, comes out of retirement, only to find the street gas lamps are no longer being used. This annoys him so very much; he sets about finding a source of cheap gas, and reinstalling the Gas Lamps to Nottingham’s streets.

Late Extra:

Unfortunately last night, Inchcock was making some baked beans on toast, and he fell asleep. The pan caught fire, and the studio/shed was destroyed.

We tried to talk with Mike, but he was not available in Nottingham, or his Monaco Villa for an interview.

Inchcock was rushed to the A&E at the Queens Medical Centre, where nervous twitching staff greeted him like a long lost Granddad.

Inchcock Today: Wed 10th/Thur 11th September 2014

Slab InchyWednesday 10th September 2014

Up at 0400hrs. (Making it four last night Tsk!)

Started laptop, made cuppa, then WC.

Got me bag ready with the Nottingham Hospice things in, then I did some work on posts for the blog.

Shave: dropped me razor and broke it, so I used a throw-away one, wash, teeth done, cleaned tootsies and glasses, changed bandage (Must remember to get some more soon), applied me creams and pain gel.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood Nottingham Hospice Shop, nice day, hope it doesn’t bring out the yobboes… crossed fingers.

Gave em me bits at the Hospice shop, and caught the bus to town.

Got some bread to feed the ducks with, and caught bus to Derby.

Fell asleep on the bus, bus only for a moment or so.

The Derwent riverside had loads of folks, dogs, mobility scooters, and yobs around, and hundreds of ducks. I observed the mallard ducks were getting a bit nasty with the immigrant giant Canada geese in their fight to get to the food being thrown to them. I hope Campbell doesn’t hear about this? There seemed like thousands of pigeons in the melee. I forgot to take any photographs though. (Huh!)

WTh01Had a walk into the Eagle shopping centre market: Dead as a dodo in there, and even more stalls closed down. Mind you, there was still the Mad Mobility Scooter driver danger ever present.

Had a walk about for a bit, then I caught the bus back to Nottingham. I got on the one that takes the round-WTh02about route so I could enjoy the scenery for a change. But fell asleep before it got to Draycott, a very kind lady woke me up at Beeston… I felt such a fool!

Dropped off in the city centre, and called onto the Chinese Food Shop and got another pack of the vegetable nibbles, as i like the last one muchly. The girl in the shop is I think, falling in WTh03love with me; she ignored me far less viciously than she did yesterday!

Dropped off the bus thinking I’ll call at the GP while I think of it. A chap stopped me and asked for directions to the City hospital, no problem for me, so I gave em to him. Then I walked home forgetting about the GP again.

Made a cuppa then updated this tosh. So tired now.

Thursday 11th September 2014

Kept waking up all night. Woke up at 0505hrs.

WC.

It felt like I’d had a different bad dream each time, but I could only recall bits of the last one;

I was leader of the country; I stopped production of all nuclear, atomic, nerve, gas and germ weapons, and ordered that they be buried as deep as possible underground, but with a failsafe detonation system attached. I held a meeting at 0930hrs and told the world that if they do attack us, we would detonate all of our weapons underground, and this would destroy the entire planet! At 0938hrs the first missile landed in Stalybridge. At 0942hrs, I detonated our stockpile, and found myself along with everyone else, in the queue at St Peter’s gate… not sure hat happened then.

How I can remember the times is amazing, yet I forget so much other stuff that I’m sure was in the nightmare? I’ve vague memories of George Osborne being in the nightmare somewhere?

WC.

Got down, started laptop and made a cuppa, took medications.

WC.

Blogged for a bit and did some graphics ready for later use.

Got me things ready for the launderette, and set off.

Got the machine going after the big gal on duty today made a fuss of me… well she said “Good morning”.

WTh09INRI got the togs in the drier when the washing machine had done its bit. And walked over to the GP to fetch me prescription. I got a rollicking for not replying to their Email giving me my new medications dosage.

I humbly apologised and told them I would not let this happen again. Then gave them some nibbles to eat.

Went over to the chemists, handily located next door to the launderette, and got me prescribed extra pain killers, gel and dermatological cream.

WTh04Back to the launderette, and got me Spike Milligan book out to read.

Folded the togs into the bags when they were dry enough, said farewell to the big gal in the launderette, but she was on the phone and didn’t hear me like.

Got home (Using the term in its loosest sense), put me togs away, got me Nottingham Hospice bag that I prepared earlier, WTh05and set off on a walk to the Sherwood.

Noticed some nice old cars parked up on the way, looked like they’d been parked up for years.

Arthur Itis was causing extra bother in me left knee this morning.

I called in Wilko on the way, to see if I could get any microwave plates and dishes – couldn’t find any though, but I did get a cheapo can-opener to replace the one that collapses while I was using it last night. (Curried beans all over me and the floor… Tsk!)

Got to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, and the girls there thanked me for the donations and nibbles wot I took ‘em. Bless ‘em.

WTh06Crossed over the road, and called into Holland’s to get some pistachio bars, but didn’t have any in, so I didn’t.

Noted a mobility scooter parked outside the bookies, gave it a wide berth!

I was limping a fair bit now, as I passed the Police contact point on the WTh08other side of the road, where the burglar alarm was going off. No chance of catching anyone there as the police only occupy it for two half days a week.

Further along I passed the new pub, there were three mobility scooters outside of it; glad I didn’t pass it later when the drivers were staggering out and putting lives at risk by driving em in an intoxicated state!

WTh07

Where I had me dizzy spell

Got near the top of the hill, and suffered a few dizzy spells. Realised I’d not had me hat on for about half a mile, so put it on, despite looking a twit in the warm sunshine. The spells stopped after a few minutes, and I continued the walk back to the dump.

As I turned the corner into my street, a bloke with two bull terriers walked past me, neither had a lead or muzzles on. I could see a fight taking place between two women at the far end of the street… so nice to get home innit?

I got in, WC. Laptop started, made a cuppa, and couldn’t find me cheapo tin-opener?

Updated this tosh.

WC.