Inchcock’s Visit to Doctor Frazakerly

My Most Memorable Visit To The GP, Ever!

My regular GP was 82-year-old Doctor Foley,
Who I rarely needed to call and see,
I went this time with blood in my pee,
I arrived and logged in with Nurse Emily…
Who said there a locum today, Doctor Frazakerly,
I waited my turn, reading a magazine called Jamboree,
The semi-naked girls in it surprised but sated me.

Emily called out, “Next patient, the Doctor is free!”
I entered the surgery of Dr Foley,
Doctor with pipe tobacco on his chest greeted me,
Told him my problem, “Lay on there, we’ll have a see…”
“Blimey,” he said, You’ve got a little one just like me!”
Hmm? Methought, this could get somewhat tacky?

He took a long time examining Little Inchie,
Should I make a dash now to get free?
I liked his gossip, though, familiar words, not snotty,
He swore a bit and declared his love of Notts Country,
So we spoke a while and assessed recent results in football?

Got me off the bench, telling me he used to live in Dundee,
Got me to strip to the waste… “Does he fancy me?”
The stethoscope was utilised, breath in, out for me…
Blood pressure taken told me to provide some wee…
My wee-weeing, he said he needed to see…
Came with me the WC…
The flow was bloodless and trouble-free.

He examined things again, we returned to the surgery,
Checked out my piles and then the boil on my knee,
He was pleasantly taking his time unctuously,
Check the lungs, tapping and chatting away cheerfully,
He cleaned his pipe, refilled it and said with some glee…
“You’re a delivery driver?” Showing his dedication and coactivity…
He wanted to do a grope test, for Hernias? I did agree…

He took his time while mentioning the new Notts County goalie,
Told me the East stand price is going up to 1/3d (5½p)
Eyed in my earholes, checked sight on the card, Blimey!
Thorough? I’ve been in here for about an hour and forty,
That’ll make me popular; I may get a thump, certainly vulgarity…
From the other patients, they’ll be going looney!
Getting dressed when all done, he even helped me!
Thanked him and left; I didn’t wait around… I did flee…
Missing trouble with the patients, homeward in haste I was bound!

I rushed straight back to the house, and my fiancee,
Got halfway there… I’d left the bike outside Dr Foley…
I wailed like a banshee!
Annoyed at my stupidity!

Part Of The Inchcock True Life Make Them Laugh Series

12 thoughts on “Inchcock’s Visit to Doctor Frazakerly

  1. The good doctor likes the classic surgery look, I would wager that he smokes Chesterfields, recommends them to his patients, and blows smoke rings to impress his patients. He also has good taste in his patients, preferring that they remain sans clothing as long as possible. He enjoys blowing cigarette smoke into a beaker of pee through a straw in just such a way that smoke rings emerge at the surface and waft about the room, forming the links of a chain as they connect to each other ring.
    Quite the adventure, I wail like a banshee at the very thought

    • I can confirm he smoked a pipe, and used Condor baccy.
      I saw the packet when he had a refill, Bill.
      Can’t recall if he gave me a pill…
      He had a friendly, helpful skill,
      I think his first name was Bill?
      Funnily enough, I was digging into some old graphic files, and saw a Chesterfield ad I’ve saved, and it was just as you say – ‘More Doctors smoke Chesterfields than any other!’

      I had to smile at your smoke ring making, Billum. Hehehe.

      They don’t even talk to us now, only on the phone – then I mishear the date of the memory test – TWICE… Oh. heck!

      Tooketh a tumble today mate, first in a long time – got away with almost scot free of injury – Me? Writing about it when I get round it Sir.

      Hope you worthiness is doing well, and HRH Lisa is perkier after her dodgem ride at the store.

      Cheers, and I fank you!

      • Those Chesterfield propaganda pieces did indeed focus on doctors, sometimes showing them smoking during a session, kind of a Norman Rockwell look to them that gave those smokes a wholesome image. I smoked the strongest non-filter cigarettes I could find, even tried an East German brand that tasted like coat-pocket lint (not that I’ve ever tried smoking anything that fermented in a pocket, mind).
        I am glad that you enjoyed the smoke-ring shenanigans, Sir. It was fun imagining the scene and putting the whole thing into words.
        Talking efficiently on the phone is difficult stuff, I have to remove my hearing aid before listening, making the information even more suspect.
        Hope you only received a minor injury from that tumbler, that being the most important consideration when it comes to falls. For example, when balancing yourself on a balcony railing, it can make a great deal of difference if you fall forward and encounter the ground with a daunting THUD. Just a piece of helpful advice.
        Lisa did indeed profit from driving about on the dodgem car, HRH has a soft spot for hitting displays that stick out into the aisle, such as batteries for some reason. It is like an amusement park for her of course. This time, it was at the Trader Joe’s Carnival House.
        And I fang you for the kind words, kind Sir!

      • I looked up Norman Rockwell, Sir. so gald I did… His work was nothing short of brilliant! I can see the connection now.
        You brought to mind something I did, around 1964, I think, I can even rememebr the name and shop where I bought these from; Blue Book Cigarettes – 20 different smokes from all over the world! Expensive, but that didn’t matter then. Only one was I impressed with, Billum. And Egyptian one, fat, thick, oval, black baccy, yellow paper on it – Boy it was strong! Hahaha!
        I shall take note of your advice in future tumbles, Sir. Hehe!
        I too have to remove the aids when on the phone.

        I can picture the store now… a clerk runs to the manager and says “Sir, a woman is going bonkers in the store, shel’s already kmocked of the Ever Ready battery display, and s threateningly close tho the water melon counter…” ‘Right’ the manager says, I’m having her out, call securrity!’ With that, he rushed down to the shop floor, turns the corner and stop abruptly – for he recognised HRH Lisa in the trolley… “Well, these things happen, can’t be helped, you ask if she needs any help, and sort it out Grizelda!”

        Wasn’t Joe B’s shop was it? Hahaha!

      • I am so glad that you looked up Norman Rockwell, he captured Americana in its most iconic expressions. He painted an extraordinarily large number of works, a number that cannot be imagined given the intricacy and detail spent on his characters.
        Book Cigarettes is something I missed out on, those Egyptians seem to have been a rare treat? Now I shall have to look into the history of those smokes. Doctor Frazakerly may sneak some crunched leaves into his pipe bowl. You give me much to research in return for my mention of Norman Rockwell, and that is as it should be. The collective imagination of the planet is vast.
        The store (Lisa’s amusement realm) is Trader Joe’s, but HRH has gone wild in any shop that has dodgem cars. I like your choice of watermellon counter, the sounds of the carnage resulting from cascading melons rings even now in my noggin. You are also quite accurate about the strength of her name, no shop manager wants to become an unwilling gladiator, innit true?

      • That was an enteraining little read, Bill. I fank you! I know your busy, but I wondered if there is any way you might clone HRH, and send me a copy? Haha! Then watch the (Just note the length of their name here, mate: “Nottingham Charging Team – Nottingham Revenue & Benefits Ltd, Fairer Charging Team. )I need a rest now, Haha!) THen watch them try to struggle their way out of things for not telling me how much I am paying for the Carers… Just a dream you know.
        Talking of that, HRH Lisa sneaked into a dream during a cat nap, we were both on a big wheel… can’t tememebr anything else… Oh yes I can… HRH was wearing a black band with something on it around her neck, mayhaps a broach or jewel of some sort?
        Fair thee wellum, my heart to HRH, and respect to yourself. TTFN

      • Well, I need only resupply me lab with cloning equipment, research a tad on the state of the cloning science, then raise the state of the art, break new ground in science, read some more about Dolly the sheep, have the lab’s electrical supply updated to allow 960-volt service, and attend to a few minor cleanup matters, and we’re ff to the races to bet on a few fast ponies that should increase the laboratory’s cash flow (unless we lose that venture capital source, in which case we can always shake down Jeff Bezos for a few quid). Of course, these are mere trifles that will not even slow us down. Whenever I mention yer name to Jeff, he gets out his checkbook and leaves the amount line blank. He is funny that way.
        Was that a Ferris wheel or a tire? HRH would look good with a velvet neck cooler graced with both brooches *or* precious jewels, and any hats from the first-half of the 20th Century.
        We wisheth yourselfeth aunificent Monday and I shall keep you updated on the state of the cloning procedures. TTFN

  2. Hahaha! Well, that was an entertaining, clever, well wrote, response. I loved it, Sir Billum!
    Brought another much-needed smile to my face; thank you kindly.
    It was a Ferris wheel on which HRH and myself were riding on. I could spit that I just cannot recall anything else, but I feel that it was a long dream, no idea why, though. The suggested attire sounds good to me!
    Mercy Mon Ami!

  3. Doctors with benefits 🙂 When I was a small lad living in Sutton-in-Ashfield my father took me to the local games, it was assumed I’d follow on as a Forest Fan 🙂

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