Inchcock’s Ode: Talking with my ailments – Part Two

Talking with my ailments


Part Two – Shaking Shoulder Shirley

After Inchcock was diagnosed with Peripheral Neuropathy, he then got told he was a diabetic. Then had a stroke. (He’s a lucky lad… Not!) Next, a Subconjuntival Haemorrhage in his right eye.

Then while recovering in an NCH (Nottingham City Homes) Care Home, Shaking-Shoulder-Shirley introduced herself. He presumes this is due to the (Nicodemus’s) Nerve ends dying. But the occasional Neuropathy Pete’s shuddering, shaking and jerking of the right side of his body and limbs rarely last for more than a few minutes at max. Usually, Shirley is a lot more violent for some unknown reason and can wear the old man down when she’s persistent. Shaking and lashing about. Her efforts recently have increased somewhat, time-wise, and Inchcock says, “After a long hour or so session, I’m convinced she is trying to wrench my humeral head bone free of the socket” Oh, and Inchcock also needed three stitches in a shaving cut!

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The Nocturnal Natter with Shirley

A mixture of awake, half-asleep, and dreamt discussions, wrote from notes and during the actual multiple chin-waggings…

Inchcock: I’m not sure why or how you came about… Shirley: Ha!, now you talk to me; I’m not as important as Bloody Boris bladder then, what’s that about?
Inchcock: Whaddya mean about?
Shirley: Yo started this ‘ere Talking to yer ailments series of blogs off wiv him… not me, who is far more painful indeed… innit, no doubt?
Inchcock: Well… it depends which ailment is worst at the time… giving me the severest clot…
Shirley: Argh, shurrup! You’ll know now why I’ve been giving the jerks and aches then? Cause yer doesn’t rate me was mean enough… yer, I’ll put yer in more pain than gout!
Inchcock: I wouldn’t and don’t doubt your pain-giving qualities at all; I’m already in pain, tired and worn-out!
Shirley: I suppose Bartholomew give it more to you?
Inchcock: Well, he has been lasered and still works,
Shirley: Cum on mush, look how yers treated me, bad or not!
Inchcock: I massage you twice a day with Phorpain gel
Shirley: Not like you, an old fart that still drinks bottled stout! Yer just an ungrateful old trout!
Inchcock: I…
Shirley: And another thing, I’ve never let the shoulder joint fall out!
Inchcock: Well, I doubt…
Shirley: I’ll tell yer to wot you done to me int past, Inured me you have, I remember the Colwick security stakeout!
Inchcock: Go one then, tell me all about it… it won’t make me freak out!
Shirley: Now yer makin’ me want to puke and pout!
Inchcock: Pout? Why? What about?
Shirley: Oh! Yer not bovvered about me puking then, yer an emotional wash-out!
Inchcock: I remember now, Shirley, Colwick, when we did an overnight lookout…
Shirley: Ah, year, that’s wot it was about!
Inchcock: When I was using the night goggles, from the back of the van… and from it, I fell out, giving you a good clout?
Shirley, you landed in a field, and blood did spout…
Inchcock: Blood? Who’s? No, surely not?
Shirley: It was me, and you bleeding.. have you no memory left or what?
Inchcock: Erm…
Shirley: The burglars arrived? You felt around in the dark for the R.T., went out of the van to take a nighttime photo, missed the step.., and fell on me! What an idiot!
Inchcock: Ah, yes… I fell on a broken tin pot…
Shirley: And it cut me! And you still never got the I.D. shot!

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Notes made for later use…

In the afternoon, Inchcock: Fell asleep…

Shirley: Oi, you Inchie! Are you ready to have anuvver talk wiv me?
Inchcock: Well, I’d like for me…
Shirley: Don’t tell me, you’re back on the Drambuie?
Inchcock: No, no, no, I don’t drink anymore…
Shirley: Sounds like an oxymoron, yer fibbing, you see…
Inchcock: No, I’m not, you’ve been hanging around for over seventy-odd years, must have noticed, so you must indeed acquiesce, concede, and agree?
Shirley: Oh, trying to get clever with words, I see?
Inchcock: Why are you so nasty and sarkie?
Shirley: Me? I’ll tell yer why, dumbo! In left Shoulder Lilly, never, always me, that’s what causes my incongruity! Why is it always me the doctors stick the hypos in?
Inchcock: Now look, we’ve grown old together, Shirley…
Shirley: Yea!
Inchcock: We’ve been through some tough times, we all suffer, Duodenal Donald, Anne Gyna, Reflux Roger, Deaf Darren, Hemorrhoidal Harold, Saccades Sandra all of them, oh, and Toothache Tiffany…
Shirley: Enough of this claptrap mush! But I do wish you well with this little ditty!
Inchcock: She suddenly returned into the ether; what a pity!

Time To Get An Iceland Order Done, methinks

A bit bare, innit?

12 thoughts on “Inchcock’s Ode: Talking with my ailments – Part Two

  1. Shirley S. is a sharp-tongued sort, think we not? Quite the inspiration there, singling out one ailment appelation to bring to bear. In this case, the most commonly appearing character in your melange of curiously cunning creatures of the imagination. I would maintain that Shirley has surely suffered a great deal each time that her right should (always the right one, innit? What happens to the left shoulder? Well, Billum opines that this would disproportionately affect your strong hand (the left). Now this is a capital stroke of good fortune methinks. There is also the matter of those jabs that mostly stab the shoulder, an indignation and consternation that must affect Shirley’s demeanor? Why do the doctors never jab yer little finger? I for one am glad that this does not happen, I shall deem it a blessing then.
    Watcheth outeth, Sunday approaches. OMG, Sunday has already appeared in yer parts.
    Keepeth welleth theneth, Sir!
    Sayeth Billumeth.

    • Thanks Billum.
      I did once ask them if I could buy an analyser that uses the swabs from a little pin hole in the digit, and email them with the result – than they could Email me back with the next dosages? I think my asking them if they could supply the tabs, did not go down well. (Oh, dearie me!) The Doctor was asked by an assistant and phoned me back a few weeks later, to say that the swabs are too expensive, and they think that I would be in danger doing the job??? Yet I can stick two dity-great long Enoxaparin injections in my stomach three times a day??? As you indicated a long time ago – ‘Summats up here!’ Hehehe!
      At the Anticoagulation in the hospital, when I could get there, they always used the finger swab method… You can see why confusion comes so easily for me, Sir?
      Sonnatag (is that right?) started pretty horriffically… I’ve added the Google Font controls to the site. Everything is easy to set up WP said, si I went for it – and ended up finding out that I had to go on a business plan to get the option £289 a year! So I did, and had a hell of a job trying to sethings up, last night I was at my lowest point for years, as I failed to get it activated. Then later on this morning, I done it! Nor how I wanted it, but it’ll so, scared to try doing owt again in case I lose it all again.
      Josie very pleased with her meal! Sahking Should Shirley has calmed down, too!

      • Change is something people always resist, particularly when it saves money while being more efficient.
        I will be interested in hearing how the business plan works out, might try it myself. If not, WP says they will refund your payment. Godd luck on all things!

    • Billum, I’ve just lost my reply into the ether as I sent it????
      Fed-up now! But I’ll try again, mate;
      Thanks Billum,
      I think your views are correctum, on Sirl!
      Shaking Shoulder Shirely is actually a lot less violent today?
      Josie really liked the look of todays nosh. Took it to her about an hour ago. I make too much, so put some in a sealable pot, so she could have it later on or tomorrow. I reminder her twice, not to put it in the fridge until it had gone cold, I think I was right to.
      Got a photo of her with a smile gleaming.
      Josie told me that when she was in the Co-op, a lady came to her and asked if she was Gerry’s neighbour… It was ex-carer Jill. Lovely gal! (Still won’t adopt me though! Haha!)
      I tried to install the Google Text bar in WP – all going well, until I found out I needed to upgrade to the buisuness plan to do so, thinking the cost would be in the new plan, I went ahead… then found out htere was a £289 yearly charge!
      I tried my bestest to activate it, and after eight hours, I gave up!
      This Sonntag started badly, until I tried again to get the font and size bars on the editor – no luck. Then I found a free ap, to install the old Classic editor, so I tried it – Aha! Now got a font list, points size list on the editor! Not how I wanted it content wise, but I’m scared to try and change anything in case I lose it all.
      If I lose this comment again… well…

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