Carer Richard, Odes & Diary


He goes the extra mile to care for me!


Richard goes the extra mile in looking after me, you see…

He’s called paramedics to the hospital he dispatched me.

Found me on the floor, lifted me up; and I’m heavy!

He’s reduced the effects of my Whoopsiedangleploppery!

After giving me my medications, if he’s the time, to which I agree…

We sometimes have a bit of mental verbal buffoonery,

Monday, checking the dates on medications, was he…

Richard saw on the stove my pan of Chilli,

He suggested a new way of cooking, which sounded good to me!

Told me with cheese on top, it would be very tasty,

So, I made some that way later and could not disagree,

It tasted better than a well-cooked sosatie.

Ate it, felt sated, down the chair – I’ve not got a settee…

But with my feet up, I settled to watch the footy on ITV…

Half-time, I went to make a brew of Glengettie tea…

Getting the cup and washing up the cutlery…

Oh, dear, the innards suddenly rumbled – but only weakly…

The rear end just started to emit things terribly…

I rushed to the Porcelain Throne in a hurry… but I was too late!

Banged my shoulder on the door frame going in, mate!

What a mess; I was in a right mucky state…

Cleaned things and me up, new aerated PP’s on, to alleviate…

Sad when one has an uncontrollable trip to defecate…

At least the shoulder I didn’t dislocate!

Out and back to the kitchenette for the brew,

And immediately another churning, another release was due!

Back to the Porcelain Throne, I almost flew!

A bigger mess this time, sticky goo!

Good job, I made it in time, I can tell you!

Cleaned and washed, and back on the flaming loo!

After five more Throne visits, each one causing ballyhoo…

Things settled at last; in future, Chilli, I’ll have to eschew!

I’ll have some home-made beef stew,

Oh, no beef, summat else will do…

Ah, the Vegan beefburger tonight; the risks should be few

Hoping there’ll be no trouble with the residue!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

All fine that night, I woke up feeling refreshed and pert,

This morning as I stood up, the Haemorrhoids hurt,

The borborygmus rumbled, and to the Porcelain Throne I stumbled,

An hour later, I’d passed at least six times… my spirits crumbled…

Each evacuation was a close call, as I rushed and fumbled…

My poor piles were stinging and battered; they itched!

Uh-oh! The last one sneaked out early; I had to ventilate…

It seemed the pong was worse by a hundredfold,

Finally, I got the escapees under control…

That leaves Carer Richard this morning, who needs to be told…

A warning of his recipe given, especially to the thick & old…

That eating it, diarrhorea would be empowered!

Richard arrived, I told him of my Chilli agony, and he was unflustered!

Laughter flowed from the lad, totally unhindered…

No guilt, no shame… Never seen the lad so cheery…

He suggested I get a new nappy!


Inchcock’s Make ‘Em Laugh Series

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I’ve never ever seen Richard laugh out loud and so hard! I think his mood was as near to schadenfreude as one can get. Even amid my agonies and Trotsky Terence’s having a hay-day with my innards and the Protection Pant stocks running desperately low…, it cheered me up to have made him so happy and contented. It did as much good as any medications.

With a possible hint of epicaricacy creeping in there… Hahaha!

Last evening’s photographicalisations were, to me, some of the best I’ve managed to take. How the shaking and shuddering (apart from the right shoulder Shuddering Shoulder Shirley) had suddenly dried up was something of a minor miracle? However, as I was closing the windows after taking the pictures, they kicked off again, off course. But a nice two first-time shots? Ah, the rumbling innards have started off again, out of the blue. I made a speedy as I could lunge for the wet room, wary of Trotsky Terence’s grip on the innards. The evacuation was the smallest in days and more than capable of controlling. I remained sat where I was on the Throne and got the crossword book out. I was not going to get caught out like I have been so many times recently by needing another release minutes later. About five minutes later, the second lot came.
I had a shave and shower, and the ankle ulcer in this photo looked like a luminescent inner core? At least it did to my cataracted eyes. But it looked to the eyes as usual? If I remember, I’ll ask the evening carer to have a look. (I forgot to, Tsk!) . The body temperature was acceptable again. That’s several days on the trot, so things look good there. Shaking Shaun caused me to drop the thermometer, but it still works; phew! The Sys was still highish, the DIA lowish, and the Pulse was AOK! Overall, I was tempted to go into Smug-Mode, but I remembered last week… I declined! That was when the SYS went up to 174 for one day, then down to 123?

I had a look at the food situation in the fridge. There seemed plenty to do me over the weekend, and the freezer was pretty full, so I decided no food order was needed until next week! Yes! I made a decision…me! I made one in 1968 as well, you know. Then made another one! I had a long chinwag with the family. Gave each one a mini cuddle and had a few words with each of them. ♥ All donated by e-friends, Lisa, Pattie and Marie; thank and bless them!

I had a walk down to the ground floor, using the lift, of course. And started to have a hobble the length of the three blocks of flats, to come out from Winchester Court and hobble along Chestnut Way back to my beloved Woodthorpe Court… but… An urgent need suddenly needed! So I doubled back and got to the Throne in time to avoid any Accifauxpas or Whoopsiedangleploppery! Which was good!

Washed and got a snap of the end car park taken from the balcony. What happened with this terrible photo? I took it without thinking through the glass; I didn’t open the window. Wot a pillock! So I did a better shot from the other end of the balcony, of the view towards Nottingham City Centre, two miles away. Then got a late nosh sorted out. Veg & pickle balls, with added caramelised onion chutney, tomatoes, chips and my beloved raw, fresh pod peas. I had three little marshmallows for my make-do dessert. I would have had some yoghourt or lemon mousse, but Iceland and Sainsbury’s didn’t have any in stock – Grumph! 

So, there it is! A day of misery, defeatism, joy, laughter and utter confusion- just a typical day for Inchcock! Cheers!

34 thoughts on “Carer Richard, Odes & Diary

  1. You have survived the assaults carried out by a team of toxins known as chilli and cheese. They attack the innards with full force when consumed separately, put them together and you combobulate the likes of nitric acid and glycerin. A veritable incendiary introduced to your digestive tract and exiting by waves. I had reserved judgment of Richard the Supposed-to-be Caring, but the news that this occasioned a bout of Schadenfreude irked me more than a tad. Riotous laughter…well at least it made *his* day. I shall leave it there then. Ahem.
    Waiting while working the crossword was an excellent “movement.” I’ve been there enough times to know that anticipating a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th explosion is only a matter of guessing the future.
    “misery, defeatism, joy, laughter and utter confusion” are the costs of hanging around on this orb another day. At least you were not shot a third time, or hit by a meteor. 🙂
    A Friendly Friday wisheth I you, most excellent friend!

    • I’ve never seen Richard the Carer laugh so much. Hehehe! It actually cheered me up to see it. Loved your views expressed on Chilli and beans, laughter brought forth out loud at this end, Billum, fanks again for that!
      “At least you were not shot a third time, or hit by a meteor”, Hahahaha!
      Just another normal day, then.
      May fortune, fame and a bit of fun enter your weekend, Bill. Cheers mon ami!

      • I do admit to enjoying a larf at concocting the scene. A case of laughing at myself. Haha!
        An out-loud larf is the best kind, innit or innit not?
        Perhaps getting shot a third time *and* getting hit by a meteor at the same time…hmmm…
        May life treat you at least somewhat well despite all the essential absurdities it lobs at us all the time.

      • An involuntary burst of laughter, even a giggle or smile, are so valuable to me. You is a Master-Laughter-Bringer, I fanketh you!

      • That is the greatest compliment I could ever receive, mate. My calling card needs to find that description as a principal descriptor. I fanketh you for the kind words, Sir!

      • Darned clever and cunning of HRH Petal-Lisa to stitch in a ‘Data’ language converter into Piggy! And in Welsh too! Hope she get a long peaceful sleep in, Billum.

      • I had forgotten about that Data converter, it explicates the inexplicable. And Welsh qualifies as inexplicable, although I understand that many 5-year-olds in Wales speak it fluently. How do they do it? Haha!!

      • Commander Data, has helped unknowingly that Alan would convert the machine to work in Lovely Lamb, I may watch an episode later on in thanks.
        Clever, these Welsh kids!

      • Data is a quick one, Alan is fluent in Dataese. He is also good at computer networks.
        I remember taking a bus from the Frankfurt airport and marveled at the incredible grammar understood by what appeared to be a six-year old in that bus. Every sentence was perfect. Woe were I.

      • Good chaps Alan and Data. Did whoever played Data not appear as a mad scientist in another film later, Bill?
        Not that thios has anything to do with things, but: Seven years or so ago, the Doctor told me: I’m booking you an appointment with a psychopharmacologist. I made my way home, and looked it up. I’m still waiting for the appointment to arrive. Hehe!

      • Data was played by Brent Spiner. Search YouTube for him and you will find that he is much loved by his fans. A funny guy too. Spiner does great impressions of Jean Luc Picard. I shall ask Petal abut Spiner’s other appearances.
        Doctors are often strange animals. Lisa’s most recent experience with her latest pain management quack identifies him as the worst of a bad lot. And I know because I am always there to hear it. An Aargghhharama most certain. Entitled Arschlöcher! Righteous anger is flowing…

      • Thanks Bill, the film I can for some reason recall, had Data as scientist in a laboratory, he played the part os the mad professor, to a ‘T’!
        I think that Covid, had the Doctors here besiegt! (Or beseigt), and wore them down. It’s no pleasure in seeing them anymore – mainly as you can’t get to see them face-to-face anymore, but can through a video link, and being deaf, poorly sighted and the camera not working on the computer does not help. Tsk! I can visualise the Schmerzmanager, I see a know-all attitude? Git!

      • Brent Spiner has command over the subtleties of the character Data, becoming an android with astonishing skills requires that. So he was a good choice in playing a mad scientist points out how well they cast Spiner to that T.
        I follow the guy who is considered to be the best-informed Covid scientist out there, his name is Eric Topol and he is at a major researcher at the Scripps Institute in San Diego. Of course, I have been trying to recruit him to lead Lab 19. Haha!!
        He does appear to be one of those narcissist doctors who specialize in kicking patients when they are down. 100% git.

      • Sounds like a truly hateful scumbag to me? I know a similar one who is female and snotty to me. Not been able to see her for a few year though. But, do I want to?
        Anyone who can mistreat HRH, are the lowest forms of life! Gruggleturds!

      • That scumbag keeps the waiting room as hot as possible, hires receptionists who excel at shrugging their shoulders, and allows the compartment for urine samples to overflow. He brings his dog to work but is selective about who gets to see that dog. Lisa is a big animal lover and she asked the scumbag if she could see the dog. His one-word answer: “No.”
        They absolutely are lower than the slithers.
        Gruggleturds describes them perfectly!

      • A medical manipulator, heartless, cruel.
        I’d like to offer him a duell…
        But I’d lose, but it might slow is abuse!
        An ignorant, and that’s the truth!

      • Actually, it was a her, and she specializes in reproductive system surgeries. A pathetic state of affairs. Perhaps an adherent of Dickensian medicine?
        Ignorance is Strength comes to mind, so we have the Dickensian and the Dystopian.

      • Ah, the same my GP, a she. I like the Dickensian and Dystopian wording there Sir! Tyrannical, imperious, despotic, and authoritarian, may also fit the bill, for them both, Billum?
        Just got back from the hospital, the did not do any operating, (Tales of Woe involved, going in the next blog, Hehe!) Just deep eye-testing and questioning for hours. Hoping the results will be okay for the op on Monday.
        Snf thast you current ailments are at the very least, no worserer! ♥

      • Sadly, there are female doctors who are also paradoxically misogynist. If it looks like a quack and acts like a quack…
        Mi duck!
        Tyrannical, imperious, despotic, and authoritarian…and more desperately dastardly docs indeedy.
        We are still here hoping and praying that all procedures go well on Monday or not much later, our grand friend!
        I think that the Crohn’s is conspiring with what they presently call a cutaneous eruption. Quite an ailment name, are it or no? I see the dermatologist doctor (not a quack) on Wednesday and will ask him to contact my gastroenterologist to see about restarting the Humira, I think it is used for skin outrages as well as intestinal outrages (the medical term that seems to fit with cutaneous eruption). ♥

      • Billum, thanks for the instant smile-bringing opening mate. After today’s farce at the hospital (Just posted the blog), I needed that! Cheers!
        Thanks for the wishes. It now (today) it seems that the procedure may not go ahead for certain. Todays tests have to be analysed by the female Doctor in charge, to see if getting me Cornea to match my ‘Mishaped one, may not be possible. Argh!
        Explained the Crohns well theree Bill, I do hope things work out for you mate.
        I believe when I read up on Humira, I did read something about eruptions/cutis being treated with it, Sir.

        I’m going to tell you (if you don’t mind?) something that might souind a fib, but it happened today, in the back of the ambulance… I’d just been strapped in the seat belt, and Peripheral Pete gave me a leg dance of sime venom – Fell out of the chair onto the floor! Is that possible, and I dreaming or going potty? But it did, cause Cathy Cartilage was not happy with me.
        Worra day for us both! another link!

        Must get going the last of the veggie burgers are cooking, don’t want to ruin them. Cheers, and all the bestest.

  2. My Dear, Richard should have brought you an electrolyte replacement! You’ve had diarrhea for a couple of days. You may faint easily if you don’t replace the loss. I’m sorry, but no good carer would ignore what hell you have been dealing with and then laugh. Is Carer Richard on the Spectrum? Only an autistic process would bring on laughter at a patients report of so many debilitating and painful bathroom incidents including falls!
    Angry OWL over here! You do an excellent job of patience and in managing your personal care. Even I am listed for bathroom aid! You know because I can’t easily raise my body upright, having all the muscle that is responsible for balance missing. So, my care program contains the consequence of that. Where is your care system filed? Sending you lots of love, and asking you to be checked for a food born bacteria!

    • Bless you gal. Things are calming down nicely now, Petal-Lisa. Just three trips after the morning six in an hour. Hahaha! Almost a pleasure to evacuate now.
      I’ve been taking Galpharm relief capsules. I’ve taken them before without any unexpected reactions. I’ve got faith in them to work.
      The ‘Care’ I get has to be paid for, amd it ain’t cheap. I’m hoping to have the cataract done on the 15th, they say someone must be with me for 24hrs after I get home. What would that cost from Meridian? Three days later, I go back to the EENT to have the new plastic lens they fitted in the eye, checked out. And when they do the other one, I’ve got it all to go through again. Still, got to be done.
      Richard is one of the betterer carers, and gives me time for a natter when he can, which I do appreciate and like. Not sure if I’m paying any extra for it, but think not.
      I’ve got to have a Severe Frailty Check when the eyesight comes back, then get eye tests and new spectacles. The dentist as well, losing another tooth. Thin on the ground now, teeth, Hehehe!
      Do you get a trained carer for your ablutionalisationning, Petal? I’m glad you get help with it. ♥
      Keep safe, and have a gentle ether cuddle, please. Oh, the family are doing well, I swear that my precious lamb winked when I was talking to her this morning. XXX

  3. Chili will definitely get you hottin and trottin. Great ode of the day. The meals that moved you look great. Definitely moving. Richard is a good lad to care for you so.

    • One of the good uns, Richard! Only get hime three days a week, but they are always looked forward to, mate. Then its hit & miss with who calls. Carers are ever leaving, and some look and act like they don’t want to be here. Enthusiasm? Haha!
      Bill was telling me they had the thunderstorms as well, but the water got to ground level, and gusty winds with it. I metioned your blog with the great storm photos. Cheers, Tim.

      • Being a carer is a hard job. There will be few people as fun and witty as you are. Can you imagine some of the cagy old folks they have to deal with?

      • Oh, yes, Tim. American Julie, who no longer calls one me (Booo!), told me of a couple of old ladies she visits in her usual route, that are really nasty to her, always nit-picking and telling her how useless she is! The lok on her face when she told me, was enough to kniw it hurts her so much. Yet she is one of the kindest, patient Carers I’ve ever had call. I try to cheer them all up abit, tipples and nibbles always available for them. and always thank them for calling.

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