All the best to my faithful flock of followers all,
The masses who have remained so loyal,
To the rubbish I’ve posted, my error-ridden scrawl,
Be they funny, sad, pathetic or philosophical,
Christmas time again… although there is no snowfall…
I’ve got plenty of fodder in, all very edible,
Although Inchcock is unquestionably unintellectual…
His Odes come out mostly; sadly ineffectual,
My followers are precious; you are my windfall!
And, both of you are moral and mortal…
Thank heavens for the WordPress portal!
The Verbal Conflict I Listened Into
From my scrawled notes mostly, so accuracy may be limited. Certain words (naughty) have had to be substituted. I left the last word in; cause there was nothing worth replacing it with. Sorry!
Worra yo doing here? I am Alto-Id; you don’t recognise my superiority?
Never seen yer before, or heard of yer… Worra yo do then? Don’t bother answering, I’ll tell yer… I am the principle that pertains to pleasure, while you, the Alto Ego, is the principle that relates to reality.
Is yer? Well, I’m the one in charge ‘ere…
Hahahaha! Knob-rot, mush!
Do yer mean like Inchcock’s fungal lesion on his Little Inchy?
No, I am well aware of all of the idiots’ ways, whims and stupidity; I’ve been waiting in the wings and watching, learning for donkey’s years. My usage of the Knob-Rot indicated that you talketh rubbish, Alto!
Yer a bit nasty ain’t yer, almost cruel, I’d say. Inchcock is struggling with my existence, now you cum along, and it’ll likely as not send the old git bonkers… best you piss-off out of it mate!
Oh, dearie me, it’s as I feared. You’ve been in Inchcock that long. You have been infected by his senility and ignorance…
Owd on! I knew Rat-face when he was almost verging on normality, for a human-like. See, I’ve been here for ‘im forever! I’ve supported him through some terrible times and ailments, apart from mucking it up with his depressions; it’s me who gorrim through double pneumonia, cancer, duodenal ulcers, being shot… twice, his heart replacement, diabetes, peripheral neuropathy.
Piffle! Utter rubbish, you pathetic imitation of an Alto-Ego you!
What? I thought I wuss doing a good job… well, I was! After all that I’ve done to annoy him, I did not know if he was coming or going at times…
Exactly! That’s why I’ve been activated, see?
Err… no!
What about glaucoma, saccades, floaters and cataract, then? How come you’ve not addressed his vision problems then? Hey?
Well, I can’t physically mend them, can I? It’s my job to just ensure they annoy him as persistently as possible, innit?
You have no idea, have you? What’s the point in letting the git to go blind? How will that build your reputation in the Chakra-Id-Alto Corporation? You’ve got to do better, else you’ll not be moved into another body when he snuffs it… I’m telling you!
The CIAC management is more than happy with my performance in the 930038-530 Semi-male model Inchcock.
How do you know?
Well, they’ve not complained…
Have they sent you a monthly report for November yet?
Monthly Report? No, I’ve never had one.
Hahaha! You’re in the shit, mate! You could well get prematurely removed from 930038-530/TIT Semi-male model Inchcock and sent to a body that is mentally and physically undamaged…
Oh, my Gawd, no… Are you joking?
Nope!
How can any Alto-Ego cope with a human like that? I won’t stand a chance of worrying, scaring, frightening or intimidating them…
I know. This could mean the end of your existence Alto!
No, no, no, we live forever…
Only if the CIAC management deems that you are worthy.
Oh, shit! I was so happy here, a comfortable rotund over ample midriff, an uncomplicated, slow brain to peruse through at my leisure, without much intelligence or activity going on…
You are aware that the host body has the capability to eliminate you, are you? (Sounds of chucking in the background).
No, you’re wrong there…
Yer? What about CIAC Guidelines & Cautionary Advice 112,145,23 then?
Erm…
I’ll tell you. “In the event of any Alto-Ego failing to cause a suicide attempt within 72 years of occupation (Failed) of the aforesaid body; Any host at this time maintaining 70% of its maximum intelligence, 50% of its willpower, and 50% of its maximum concentration; can apply to it Id to eliminate any Alto-Egos from its earthly body – upon signing its soul over to the CIAC Soul Bank Ltd!
I ‘ave to think abarght this…
Take yer time, Alto; I’ll move on and inform Inchcock of his options…
NO! It won’t work cause Inchcock has nowhere near 50% of his concentration left. Only 10% of his memory…
And you think that I can’t retrieve it for him?
You wouldn’t?
Oh, yes, I can, easily!
Well, that’s not in the Spirit of the Chakra-Id-Alto Corporation? I’ve never been so happy before as I am within 930038-530 Semi-male model Inchcock has been. He’s so gullible, malleable, a right thicko to con and manipulate…
And I can change all that within a few seconds. By advising Inchcock of his options, Hehehe!
But I might have to go back to the lonely CIAO Retention Safe again? I’ve already had 2000 years in there before getting this posting? Oh, my dearest Id, whatever can I offer or do to prevent this from happening?
I may be tempted to say nothing to the idiot host under certain conditions…
Yes, yes…
One: You bow to my every whim, order and threat!
Erm.. go on…
Two: You openly admit to Ids being totally and unquestionably superior to Alto-Egos!
Mmm? Go on…
That’s it… if you agree, I’ll keep my gob shut! But it’s a one time only offer, so you have to decide now!
How do I know I can trust you?
How do I know I can trust you?
Oh, heck…
I’ll tell you what… As a ‘Class A’ Knight of the CIAO Id Convention, I swear this to be true! Sign the Oath stating these beliefs as written, and I’ll leave the Inchcock Host instantly, never to return.
That seems okay… Alright, I’ll do it, and you’ll disappear instantly?
You’ll never see me again!
Here you are then (Scribbling sound) and good riddance!
There I was, in heaven… with Sweet Morpheus, it was so nice!
I was romancing a buxom lass named Eunice…
And Inchie butted in, with his pestering moans and advice!
But, for the first time ever, we agreed and did empathise…
Perhaps it was not wise for us to try to fraternise?
But we did; I think he enjoyed it likewise!
Inchie: Well, that hospital visit was farce wonnit, mate?
Inchcock: Huh! You again, what’s wiv the mating bit, then?
Inchie: I know we’ve ‘ad our ups and downs, but you’ve been through a rough patch fer this last twenty years or so, and I thought it’d be nice to be nice for a change…
Inchcock: Did yer? I feel like by being non-argumentative, I’m taking away your little pleasures…
Inchie: Worrya mean?
Inchcock: Well, yer usually wins all the verbal fights and tiffs we ‘ave…
Inchie: Naturally yer turd! I’m yer Alto-Ego, yo are the ethereal thing like. So fings like conscience, giving a toss, and yer ability to fret, worry, show signs of pissed-offerdness, and you can get a bit depressed at times… I’ve noticed that! So I’m taking my chance to confuse yer all the more you see?
Inchcock: Not really; I’m flummoxed again already! Why can’t you just leave me alone to get some rest and peace?
Inchie: No, no, no! It doesn’t work like that, dumbo! It’s my job to hassle yer, keep yer on yer toes, like. Else overwise yer might commit Hagi-Kari… then…
Inchcock: What! After all, I’ve been through, do you think that I’d top missen? Rubbish, claptrap, your just stirring things again, aren’t you?
Inchie: Yea, I’m good at that, ain’t I, no doubt about it…
Inchcock: For God’s sake, if you are me, or my other half, surely you must suffer the agonies that I do – so why bother…
Inchie: Ah, you’ve not gorrit yet, have you? You are! I’m not me…
Inchcock: What?
Inchie: Yo just said, for God’s sake, yea?
Inchcock: Yes…
Inchie: Well, I know that yer doesn’t believe in him… see? Provin’ what an ignorant, uneducated, pug-faced, pathetic, docile, pussy-cat, yer really are, cocker!
Inchcock: Fair enough with the name-calling; there may be an element of truth in some of what you say about me – but surely you must be the same yourself?
Inchie: Perhaps mush, or maybe not. Are you not talking to yourself in reality? Come on… answer that, yer moron!
Inchcock: If there isn’t any God, then why even bring up the subject – I’ll tell you why, no… hang on, what was the question?
Inchie: I know, but it got yer going, see!
Inchcock: How can one see? If you are really me? There is…
Inchie: You retardate; You just can’t grasp it, can you, tit-head?
Inchcock: Grasp what?
Inchie: The relationship between us, knucklehead! Yer still think yer talking to someone else?
Inchcock: I am, you!
Inchie: Yer, but I am you! Ain’t I?
Inchcock: Just because you say so does not mean that is correct!
Inchie: Ah, so you think we are two different entities then?
Inchcock: I’m not sure… what do entities mean?
Inchie: Concentrate pillock! Fink abarght this… you’d know what the word means, yea! If you was me, and I was you… right?
Inchcock: Erm…
Inchie: Look, numbskull, I think it best if yer gerron with the pork pie supper you wuss plannin’, then I’ll give yer an hour or so, I’ll come back to hassle yer a bit more. I can’t be fairer than that, can I?
Inchcock: Does this mean I’ve won an argument with you?
Inchie: No, you silly old fart! It’s cause it’s Christmas!
Each Tip is followed by an Inchie or Inchcock response:
1)Here is a list of the reasons to curtail your drinking. Such as feeling healthier, sleeping better, or improving your relationships. Combined, these actions taken can motivate you.
Yes!
2) Put in writing; Set a drinking goal. Set a limit on how much you will drink. You should keep your drinking below the recommended guidelines: no more than one standard drink per day for women and men ages 65 and older, and no more than two standard drinks per day for men under 65. These limits may be too high for people who have certain medical conditions or for some older adults. Your Doctor can help you determine what’s right for you.
Doctor? Talk to my Doctor? Now there is a challenge without a doubt. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her, I don’t think I would recognise her if I did ever get an appointment! Being partially deaf rules out the telephone. All my Emails are routed back to me!
3) Keep a diary of your drinking. For three to four weeks, keep track of every time you have a drink. Include information about what and how much you drank as well as where you were. Compare this to your goal. If you’re having trouble sticking to your plan, discuss it with your Doctor or another health professional.
Apart from, Inchcock suffering from arithmophobia, and vascular dementia, this causes me some concern. He’s hard enough to control as it is. This could drive him to drink, you know?
4) Don’t keep alcohol in your house. Having no alcoholic drinks at home can help limit your drinking.
I don’t have a house, is it alright if I don’t keep any alcohol in my flat instead, please?
5) Drink slowly. Sip your drink. Drink soda, water, or juice after having an alcoholic beverage. Never drink on an empty stomach.
Ahem! You told me not to keep any alcohol in the house (flat). So, if I want to weaken and have a tipple, I have to get a taxi to go down to the beer-off to get my plonk, then come back with it, which costs me at least an hour in time, and the bottle of beer £I.20, and the £10 taxi fare, should help me reduce my intake. Naturally, I will not be ordering a couple of cases of Guinness three times a week from Amazon and hiding them in the wet room…
6) Choose alcohol-free days. Decide not to drink a day or two each week. You may want to abstain for a week or a month to see how you feel physically and emotionally without alcohol in your life. Taking a break from alcohol can be an excellent way to start drinking less.
These suggestions are not going to work, you know. Cause the Amazon beer deliveries can vary between one to three days. The Vodka, Gin and Rum from Valley Wines can change even more, sometimes arriving on the same day, other times three days later? Luckily, I keep a good stock in.
7)Watch for peer pressure. Practice ways to say no politely. You do not have to drink just because others are, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to accept every drink you’re offered. Stay away from people who encourage you to drink.
I’ll do my best to watch for Pier pressure, but I do not live at the seaside? I exist miserably alone in this three-roomed flatlet. No pets allowed. But I do have a Koala and Teddy Bear for company. My Cyber lady friends sent them to me from Canada and Australia. When I wake up in the middle of the night requiring a shot or two of Gin, shampoo or cans of plonk. We often have a chinwag before I pass out in a drunken stupor on the floor.
8) Keep busy. When you’re at home, pick up a new hobby or revisit an old one. Take a walk, play sports, go out to eat, or catch a movie. Painting, board games, playing a musical instrument, woodworking — these and other activities are great alternatives to drinking.
Would it be alright for me to try and take up a hobby from my twenties? If any of the girls are still alive. Also, the medications, memory, and my appendage still work, of course.
9) Ask for support. Cutting down on your drinking may not always be easy. Let friends and family members know that you need their support. Your Doctor, counsellor, neighbour, Carer or therapist may also be able to offer you some help?
My Doctor again, she’s been known to be annihilistic, Although when I see her, she’s good, medicationalistic, After Coronavirus, she has come over all antagonistic, But there’s no need for me to go ballistic, I’ve enough bothered with the knees being arthritic, Now joined by signs of becoming an asthmatic… Three years ago diagnosed as being a diabetic… Still awaiting the first appointment, Tsk! Pathetic! The after-stroke sessions can be a smidge athletic… The bladder, ulcer, reflux and rear end can be problematic… Saccades in the right eye, so the sight is not precisely copacetic! Peripheral Neuropathy causing hassle; I mustn’t sound sematic… I wanted to listen to some music: I like a bit of classic… The hearing aids broke; at this rate, I’ll soon be brassic! I may seek help from a loony bin or someone ecclesiastic?
10) Guard against temptation. Steer clear of people and places that make you want to drink. If you associate drinking with specific events, such as holidays or vacations, develop a plan for managing them in advance. Monitor your feelings. When you’re worried, lonely, or angry, you may be tempted to reach for a drink. Try to cultivate new, healthy ways to cope with stress.
Huh! I’m always worried, lonely and stressed!
11) Be persistent. Most people who successfully cut down or stop drinking altogether do so only after several attempts. You’ll probably have setbacks, but don’t let them keep you from reaching your long-term goal. There’s really no final endpoint, as the process usually requires an ongoing effort.
Who are these people, please? A carer calls to do the medications, a nurse every month or so for blood tests… Erm… Oh, yes, the food delivery drivers. Bob from the Winery driver doesn’t encourage me to drink… overly.
Some of these strategies — such as watching for peer pressure, keeping busy, asking for support, being aware of temptation, and being persistent — can also be helpful for people who want to give up alcohol altogether.
Alto-Ego apologies for the crudity of his introduction. But he lost this mornings argument with Inchcock, about whether they should get up early (03:30hrs) this morning to get this Ode done. He lost!
Sometimes, one would like apanthropinisation,
The world is going crazy, every single nation!
I no longer have any paid occupation…
Of course, this does mean less oppression,
I’m coping with the still rampant tellurians aggression,
Muslim, Christians, Catholics, Jews and Caucasians!
Black Death, now the fearful Coronavirus infection…
My neighbours tell me it was sent by the Martians?
NASA say on Mars, there is not even any vegetation,
Can we please have some verification?
Why do not Scooters & Cyclists show no care or empathy?
With pedestrians who are disabled, wobbly and elderly?
I’ve had three of them, two scooters and a cyclist, run into me!
Leaving me shaken up. Once with bleeding arthritic knee!
All just carried on, after looking at me all bolshie!
Now, when I can get out, I’m worried and do it nervously!
Cars parked on pavements, I have to hobble into the road, you see…
Passing drivers shake their first, and get all honky!
The language they use is curse worded defamatorily!
Doctors to visit, booster too, I hope it’s not snowy and windy!
The state I get into, just taking a wee, bladder in contortion!
It either slowly builds up pressure, as if it wants an ovation?
Giving out pain is the bladders main occupation,
A trickle, sharp stabbing, then give Little Inchie some vilification,
Other times, things burst out, all at the bladders own volition!
Then, maybe it’ll start and die off, come again, utter vacillation,
The only thing guaranteed, is that I pee with great trepidation!
Ode Verse 4 – Hoping Sanity Returns
I make excuses for feeling depressed, like, I’m poorly & sick,
Too many ailments to cope with, that characteristic,
I may have a toothache, or feel a smidge asthmatic?
Always present, are the ailments that are arthritic,
And when Peripheral Neuropathy Pete goes ballistic,
Always a danger of a tumble, of them my fear is authentic,
When the memory goes, or things diabetic…
They are accepted easier, somehow not so dramatic?
Duodenal Donald, they tell me can be fatalistic,
What can’t? I’m going to stop being so idiotic…
Acting like a deranged lunatic… well I am, also nihilistic!
I’m not over-energetic, overenthusiastic, or over-optimistic,
Perhaps, I’m psychokinetic, psychoneurotic, even phlegmatic?
But I don’t know what they mean, me being simplistic…
Although the moments of semi-contentment are spasmodic,
So, being a foodaholic, into the fridge I’ll have a frolic!
