Tag: Bit of a laugh

I only wanted a shave and shower! – How hard can that be?

Having a Shave and Shower…

I wanted to be presentable, to visit Olive in flat eighty-two,

Thought: I’ll take a shower and shave, that’s what I’ll do,

Then I had to have a session on the loo,

Good job I’d used the lemon scented Toilet-Bloo,

Readied for the best shave a man can get, it must be true,

The Gillette razor, two blades and Hydration Moisturiser mark two!

Moments later, I felt like Victor Meldrew, too

Much blood was drawn, a scar left my ear-lobe all askew,

 But I got the after-shave & TCP on it, it’d stop soon I knew.

I went to move the shower chair – a dizzy and before I knew,

I was entangled in it and to the fall I flew,

Hit the wall with my head, now all bestrew,

Some doctoring I had to do,

TCP applied to the, that made me say Ooh!

Luckily, no blood was drew (Bad English bit it’ll do for you),

Moved the chair and back in the showering to do,

My language was rather I admit, rather blue,

The pump gurgled, why it does this I never knew,

Applied the carbolic soap and honeydew,

Scrubbed away singing, the words of which I knew few,

The lump on my head swelled and grew,

A headache bad, but no hiatus or issue,

Soon I would be at Olives, so from the shower, I withdrew.

Citrus underarm sprayed, the Brut lid I couldn’t unscrew,

The toothpaste top was a bit hard to undo,

Sit-ups, press-ups and squats, each one hundred and twenty-two,

Shadow boxed and handstands like daily I do,

Changed into me best togs, mainly in Sky-blue,

Rushed off to see Olive, for who my love is true!

Doctors say at our ages, passions, we should subdue?

I say, thanks and but from this advice we just may Eschew!

I fank you!

Inchcock – Rambles aimlessly on about his life today… and on, and on….

Preponderant in my nature is both procrastination and being demoralised, inveigled, persuaded, conned, swayed, unbalanced, flustered and unhinged by people of great confidence, but with an even greater lack of empathy, pity, education and genuine knowledge.  

I missed out on education myself, partly due to life’s circumstances and a complete lack of interest shown by my parents. But to be fair to Mother, she was busy being chased by the bookies and police most of the time to bother with my learning difficulties.

Not once was I greeted after school and anyone asked me “What did you learn today?” Again, to be fair, Mother was on the run, and I had to get home from school and get the fire grate cleaned and a fire laid in readiness for Dad’s return home from work. Not that I was allowed to actually light it until he did get home. Dad always thought it a waste of money and coal lighting the fire for only one person. Then get his dinner for him and clean up.

Another job I had, was (Once a week or fortnight sometimes) getting the tin bath in from the railway viaduct wall in the yard, and drag it into the front room. Get water on the boil on the four stove rings and on the fire. Dad would have his bath first, of course, calling occasionally to me to fetch more hot water, or to stoke the fire, as he would soak for an hour or so in front of the fire. My turn came and I had my bath in his dirty water.

But nowadays, 66 years later, I am in a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Apartment for the elderly.

Conveniently on the twelfth floor, but they provide a bus service, Mon-Fri four buses out of town and four buses into town. Sat two buses out of town and two buses into town. Sun’s none at all.

The bathroom was nice, but I had problems getting into and out of the bath. The City Homes people assessed my needs and agreed to convert the bathroom into a Wet-room with shower. Losing the bath I thought I would miss, but I knew (Because the City Maintenance expert told me I might be without a bath for up to four days during the fitting) the shower would soon me ready. And it was, fourteen days after they started doing it!

But I love the shower now and don’t miss the potentially critical climbing in and out of it!

Now I’m in this flat, I feel more dynamic and full of life and have rid myself of the pigritude.

My sequaciousness remains, though.

I decided that investing in a new recliner chair would be of benefit for me. After many months of searching for one that I didn’t need to take out a mortgage to buy, I espied a notice on the wall of the lobby area in the flats.

It was on sale for £300 this second-hand recliner chair, by a chap in the next block of flats. I bought it, then had to pay the caretaker £20 for him to bring it to the flat for me.

About the fifth time I used it, the mechanism was stuck half-up, half-down and I made a right mess getting myself out of it without injury. But now I know that I have the excitement every morning of not knowing if this second-hand £300 recliner will be half-up, half-down, up or down and will the mechanism be operational?

Good job I didn’t get rid of the old chair, they now reside next to each other for when the second-hand recliner plays up, so I can transfer back to the wobbly-legged imitation brown leather armchair like.

I have now completely lost the plot of what it was I was going to put in this post.

As Tome Jones sang: ‘It’s not unusual’.

I no longer have the feeling of xenization amongst others, and that’s good.

I no longer have feelings of hatred… apart from towards United  Carpet who ripped me off, French-owned British Gas who continue to charge me for two meters, violent people, Pavement Cyclists, People using disabled parking bays and parking on corners, Tony and Cherie Blair, George Osborne, Racists, George W Bush, electricians, carpet layers, Wayne Rooney, Taxi drivers, Coffee shops, bigots, Bankers and market investors, telemarketers, cold callers, Politicians, used car salesmen, car mechanics, murderers, blackmailers, perfectionists, pickled walnuts, the Argentinian football team, the death of Austin motors and buses that arrive late/early or do not arrive at all.

Just thought I’d mention it like…

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