An old graphicalisationing masterpiece wot I found here.
Just thought some blogger or other might come up with a good comment or caption like? I fang you!
Mike Steedenski
Photograph Requiring further descriptive observation and information. Shirley and Mike
I was working at the Old Russian Ministry of Education and Science, 6-7 Kensington Palace Gardens, London W8 4QP last month a part of my Community Work sentence, when I met their Minister for the Praise and Demarkationalissation of Russian vegetables, Dmitry Livanov.
Speaking excellent Russian (with a slight Ukranian accent), I had a chat with him. It turned out he knew Mike Steedenski and Shirley Blamey from the revolution and celebrations and potato praising party years ago.
He sent them his best wishes and handed me this photograph to pass on to them, along with his best wishes and he hopes they enjoyed the barrel of Nizhnevartovsk Beetroot Claret he gave them on their visit to Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky for the Praise Our Potatoes celebrations.
Would anyone have further details, scandal, information or humorous lies about this event and Shirl and Mike’s involvement, please?
No potatoes were harmed, or Claret spilt in the creation of this graphic
Inchcock Today Sun 27 Dec 15: Out and About today!
******************
Sunday 27th December 2015
Brekkers this morning
Gloomy looking this morning as well!
Up at 0425 hrs, Some dreams I’d had stayed in my mind and I wrote bits of them down.
The cut lip I acquired yesterday while cutting my toenails was a lot less painful – until I made a cuppa and took me medications – Oooh stinging!
Arthur Itis was playing up on me knees badly, but Anne Gina and ulcer were not bad at all. Hope it stays like this for a bit.
Laptop on and got the Saturday diary finished and posted.
Then perused my notes about the dreams. So glad I did write them down because by now they had evaporated into the ether.
The Dream/s:
I was in a battle and seemed to be in charge of some Wehrmacht troops hidden up high in a battle-scarred building. We had little ammunition left but had pre-targeted all the areas around us for our artillery to pick of some of the hundreds of T34 tanks attacking us before we ran out of ammunition.
Then I seemed to be in charge of the Russian troops weapons and tactics? I summoned aircraft to attack and use the German’s ammunition. Having made all the plans – I found myself back with the Germans, for some reason the troops were using Bren guns but with a different shell casing?.
The best bit of the dream, Kathy Kirby appeared walking towards the Russian lines singing ‘Secret Love’ and the weapons ceased firing? After she had sung it, both sides gave her a round of vigorous applause.
As for me, I was transported to Italy, Rome I think.
I was sat in the Bistro (If that’s the word, an outside cafe wine bar), listening to a bloke singing Dean Martins ‘June in January’ and I was reading a book about ‘Open all hours’ the TV comedy?
I believe I was singing that song when I sprang awake?
Made another cuppa and decided that weather permitting, I’d try to have another good walk in Woodthorpe Grange Park again after the weather ruined yesterday’s attempted walk about in the Park.
Set about to attempt to create an Ode, but the concentration wasn’t there. Tsk!
Lynton & I in a graphic wot I dun like…
I did manage to get some graphics done, though.
Marissa Bergen in a ‘Women’s poster.’
I was pleased with the result of one I made using a photo Lynton that had posted on Facebook. Added my mush to it, and made a background using French toilet rolls, linking it to a word used in Lynton’s comments.
Then I did one of Marissa Bergen out of a poster I found on-line.
I made a bit of a mess of the neck though I’m afraid. Tsk! And Huh! Still it looks a bit like a collar?
I hope she isn’t too cruel to me over this transgression.
I live in fear now…
Shirley and Mike as Moneypenny and Bond!
Then I created a mock 007 poster with Shirley Blamey and Mike Steedenski as Miss Moneypenny and James Bond.
Hope they both like it.
Took a few hours to do but I did enjoy doing these graphics.
Went to have a wash and shave, during which I blew my nose and blood came out of the left nose channel. Bit concerned about this I was at the time. But thankfully it hasn’t happened since again yet.
Little Inchy bled a bit more than yesterday as well.
Traffic Jams en route to town
Took me rubbish to the chute on me way out. I walked up the hill path into Woodthorpe Park, and down onto Mansfield Road.
Caught a bus into the City Centre. The last ¼ mile was bumper to bumper with all the Sale shoplifters, er, shoppers going to town for the bargains.
Plenty on loungers with ear pieces and phones in their ear-holes were spread around
Walked through Victoria Cente shopping mall, a busy mob of shoppers were about in number.
There were many new eateries in the mall, and they were all doing a brisk trade today.
Had a look at some of the prices on their menus that were on display.
All through the centre, the available seating was occupied.
INTU centre busy today.
Most shops were advertising ‘Sale – All sale items at 50% off or more’.
When I passed by the ‘Next’ door, thought I noticed my Sister Jane inside, so I phoned her, no reply. Went into the store but couldn’t see her.
I walked to the other end on the top floor and out of the above street passage and took a photo from above.
Upper Parliament Street from the walkover bridge
The rain was holding off nicely.
Jane called me back, it was not her in the store, she was at home getting ready to go to the footy match.walk.
I carried on and down the wonderfully kept and cleaned stairs that come out between the Pound store and the pub in this photo.
Nottingham – The Cleanest City in the East Midland – they claim?
Not exactly an area that contributed to Nottingham becoming the cleanest City in the East Midlands is it? Hehe!
At the bottom of the steps were removed shop security tags, what looked like parts of syringes to me, sick on the floor, nub-ends, empty beer bottles and cans, uneaten takeaways and blood. Welcome to Nottingham!
The Mob! Clinton Street.
Got to the end of Clinton Street to go down it into the slab square, but being as I didn’t have me stick with me and the crowds looked rather daunting, I walked along Upper Parliament Street to Queen Street, to check on the times for the 40 buses today. No L9 or L8 was running today being a Sunday.
Food Glorious Food – at a price!
Had half an hour until the ETA of the bus, so took a walk into the Slab Square to get some photographs of the shoplifter… no sorry, shoppers fighting each other for the bargains nad entertainments.Least of all the food stalls!
The food stalls were doing well, despite the prices they were charging!
View of the Council House from the bus-stop on Queen Street
Back up to the bus-stop.
Caught the 40 bus back to Winchester Street in Sherwood. Close to the flats, only a ten-minute walk from the bus stop where I dropped off at on Winchester Street.
Arthur Itis had been so kind to me today.
View approaching the flats
The view here from where I turned the corner onto Chestnut Walk. the flats.
The first block of flats is Winchester Court, and it’s sister block, further along, being my residence Woodthorpe Court.
I think it had been raining here during my absence because the gigantic puddle in the road near the flats seemed to have grown bigger?
Got in the flat and realised I’d spent nothing during my trip out at all! Good that!
WC’d and changed into my jammies, getting very tired again now.
Felt peckish. Beef pie in the oven then added some Chilli-con-Carne to it.
Devoured it with relish. Took my evening medications and settled to watch some episodes of ‘Hussle’ on the DVD thingy in the TV.
The picture and sound kept sticking. But it didn’t bother me too much as I fell asleep anyway. Tsk!
Inchcock Shows Signs of Contentment – Investigation to follow…
Unheard of Inchcock Symptoms Disclosed!
Medical experts and fellow bloggers today found out that Inchcock was showing signs of Contentment this morning.
A stand-by rapid response team was despatched to his flat on the 12th floor in Nottingham post haste. Led by Duncan Robertson head of the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union.
Gary Hoadley delayed by unforeseen circumstances
Unfortunately the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union’s Riot Controller Gaz Hoadley (22) could not respond with the team due to his return home from his holiday in New York being delayed by unforeseen circumstances.
The Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Members preparing to go into battle to save Inchcock by adorning protective equipment.
The team, all worried about Inchcock’s attack of Contentment were soon on the scene.
Inchcock Gazette reporter Kentucky Angel interviewed Duncan as the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists were preparing themselves to enter Inchcock’s premises: She asked him why it was taking so long to gain entry?
“There are so many dangers in their Angel. Many unknown to those not within the bloggers circle – we must protect ourselves from diseases not commonly encountered and obstacles within the premises, I know I been in there! also to avoid catching anything ourselves…”
“What do you mean?”
Inchcock’s Grabbers – A Danger!
Well we have make sure me know where his walking stick and three grabbers are located to avoid falling over them you see.
Also we must know where his medications, and used pads, bandages and elastica are stored.
And, we are sure of his current condition you see… if he’s come back to his usual depressed, moronic, not knowing what’s going on condition there will be no worries or need for us to offer assistance – but if he’s still on a high and showing signs of fitness, healthiness or happiness then we are in trouble and may lose him altogether I’m afraid. His metabolism and brain are just not used to contentment or optimism, I’m sure he could not cope with any of these emotions unless of course they are drug induced..”
At this Duncan passed the supply of DDT to Rachel Carerra (18¼) the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Accountant & Massage Specialist she quoted; “This could be dangerous, but Inchcock by being the crappiest, worst pathetic blogger of all time in a round about way supports and improves the standing of all of our members and other satirists you see. So we’d sooner he didn’t snuff it yet, until we find someone as bad as him to take over the mantle – and of course he still owes £20,450.26 to our bookkeeper and vehicle acquirement officer Danny Soz (19¾) who is here with as much if not more concern for the lad Inchcock (79).”
Shirley Blamey & Mike Steedenski were requisitioning essential supplies for the squad
At this Danny Soz chipped in: “I care about the imbecile more than most do. And what would Lidl and the NHS do without him?” He rolled a Golden Virginia fag in a an MOT certificate and continued: “His fading with age short-term memory has been a boost the to Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s bank balance. The missus would surely miss him if he has another heart attack trying to cope with the excitement any unnatural to him feeling of contentment, enthusiasm, fulfilment or pleasure… we stop this at all costs, especially the costs to my bank balance…” At this he coughed on his roll-up, took a swig from his absinthe flask and asked where the hell was Shirley Blamey (Not saying, Social Events Secretary) and Mike Steedenski (24 Health advisor) anyway? Do they not care about fellow blogger Inchcock? (Fellow members of the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists) Rachel Carerra explained that both of them were commandeering essential supplies for the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists squad, and she was concerned for his safety.
She then questioned the absence of the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s (Music Director and Supermom Marissa Bergen 16½,)
Marissa, delayed a the bar in the airport in Newcastle
It transpired that she was last seen at Newcastle airport. However they did receive a message from the Northumbria Police that he had been released on bail and her methadone had been returned to her.
We understand that the Prime Minister has been informed along with Interpol and the NHS Psychiatric Unit. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has since contacted Minister of Works & Pensions Ian Duncan Smith to see if anything could be done about avoiding the news of this Inchcock phenomenon getting out onto the web.
Breaking News:
Just in from the Nottingham Perverts Monthly.
Inchcock was seen this evening outside of a ladies shop ogling at the headless models in the window. In the rain, looking miserable and with odd socks on.
So, all back to normal then?
Well… Thank heavens for that!
Marissa’s Barmy Blogger Band caught practising new routine!
Marissa’s Barmy Blogger Band
Marissa’s Part-Time Barmy Blogger band were caught going through their new routine yesterday at the Sewer Lane Studios in the Carshalton Medical Practice.
Tom Brake Lib-dem MP for Carshalton and Wallington welcomed the initiated as yet Band formed and managed part-time by Marissa Bergen, previously the Executive Assistant to Sid Rotten, and now Rock-n-Roll Supermom from Burbank California, with a plaque in remembrance of Nick Clegg.
He suggested to Marissa and the band that perhaps they could play some old Jim Reeves numbers at the upcoming do at the Carshalton Methodist church near the park.
The band members then moved on to a free luncheon laid on for the by the Council at the local KFC branch.
Shirley Blamey (Vocals), Rachel Carerra (Dancer), Danny Soz (19¾’s Trombonist), Duncan Robertson (Guitar and Bagpipes), Mike Steedenski (Various blowable instruments), Inchcock Chambers (71¼ years old, Percussion and string-less violin) went along with Marissa for the free meal.
Unfortunately Gary Hoadley (24½ Retired Kray’s body guard and dancer vocalist) had to miss the meal when 11 police officers arrested him for belting the living daylights out of Tim Brake earlier for suggesting the group put old Jim Reeves numbers in the line-up. He joined them later after bursting out of the black maria on Ruskin Street.
After the meal they all went The Hope pub on West Street for the night.
Damages came to £15000, and the début of Marrisa’s Blogger Band is now in question.
The band are currently in the Metropolitan Police Station on Carshalton Road.
More news to follow as soon as groups publicity agent Mike Steedenski has finished off his claret, well a little while after then…
Marissa’s New Band ready to hit the stage…
Possibly the most original band for a decade!
Bloggers, Shirley Blamey’s Bongos, Marissa’s own Guitar, Rachel’s flute, Gill’s famous Maracas, Duncan’s Cello, Mike Steedenski’s Balalaika, Danny Soz’s Trumpet, and Inchcock’s Triangle combine to create musical blending opportunities never seen or heard before.
They are currently considering which type of music best for them to offer the public – they are also considering what name they should use for the band. They considered calling it ‘The Brilliant Bouncing Bloggers’.
Invitations for suggestions for both are welcomed, with a prize possibly, maybe, might, could be offered for the best ideas received.
Produced in the support of the Blindly Inane Bloggers Support Charity
Chairman Danny Soz (19¾ year old)
Why Did the Inchcock Party get No Votes?
Statements from Inchock Party Members in their failure to get any votes in the May General Elections.
Raving reporter Dunc the Hunk interviewed some of the remaining members of the party to get their views on the abject failure.
Inchcock:
Following the highly surprising result in the May General Elections – the fact that our Inchcock Party got no, nil, keine, nema, acune votes at all, may have electors perceiving the wrong message. It does concern me that our standing members failed to vote for themselves somewhat.
I think the supply of Rumanian lager and Irish Vodka I’ve obtained should encourage members to stick with the party and try again perhaps?
Danny Soz:
Wot? We ain’t failed mush! I’m drawing up a new manifesto now.
We is going to bounce back with a vengeance.
Unlimited immigration, free lager for the under 18’s, close all the prisons down, make smoking Golden Virginia compulsory and ban UKIP.
Rachel Headturner:
The elementary and fundamental causes of the Inchcock Party’s failure in this election can be attributed to the nepheliad-like leadership from Inchcock himself.
He set out to vote and ended up at the hospital haematology department, caught a bus to go back to the election booth and realised he had got on the wrong bus. Got off of it and caught another into Nottingham City centre.
Where as he approached the bus-stop to get to his election ward to vote he was arrested for feeding the pigeons in the city centre.
By the time he was released on bail the voting booths had closed down!
I ask you, how did we stand a chance with that ‘Whoopsiedangleplop’ prone pillock in charge.
I will be making a challenge for the leadership of the party in readiness for the next elections.
Shirley Shazaam:
Unfortunately I was decorating the new house when voting day arrived.
I was getting on tremendously well until I came across Mike Steedenski in his chair watching the TV and having a drinkie-phoo, and had the devils own job of moving him so I could get to the fish aquarium to paint it.
He slid into a stupor and slid off the chair you see… this enabled me to get some of the emulsioning done on one end of the fish tank, but as I was just finishing that, he stirred and tripped me up causing the paint to go all over the new carpet and he was sick on it.
The ambulance arrived and managed to remove the paint-roller from his rear end, and by then it was… oh… sorry, what was the question?
Mike Steedenski:
One election day, there I was deep in concentrating on the election results on the Adult Channel when the missus foolishly came near me with the Chinese produced Ukrainian emulsion paint we got from Lidl. She knew I wus allergic to the fumes and I passed out, spilling me Absinthe and cherryade drink.
Despite it being her foolish actions that made me topple over and the wench she seemed annoyed with me – and attacked me with the paint-roller as I was coming round. Women eh?
Still it’s a shame about us missing voting cause I was in the A&E having a certain cavity checked for any damage caused like.
Still I can go back to me Traffic Warden job.
Alienora Funbutt:
The intricateness of analysing the cause of the Inchcock Party failure lies within the confusion brewed within the politically accepted pedegorisation of acceptable failures as opposed to the correctionalisation of tactical preparation and responses as one would expect.
The exoticness is plain to see, and further development of positionally adopted autonomous actions would not necessarily tremefy the party’s leadership, but rather encourage a new more agreeable standard and a much more acceptableness and understanding of the needs of both electors without grandiloquence. And then we could start having raves on a regular basis to replace party seminars. We still might not win – but it would be fun!
Big Gazza:
I think that we were perhaps always never not going to get any votes yer know. Hic!
The sooner they bring back the cat and genuine pork scratching the sooner things will not get no better if not worse!
Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder Tries to Interviews Inchcock!
It’s been in the news lately about the failure of a Nottingham Lad, Juan Inchcock (68) to get himself adopted.
Marissa Mandible Grinder
He claimed that this miscarriage of justice was the fault of the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team. Saying they were wrong in divulging his insanitary habits and illnesses in the advertising when trying to get him re-homed, and that is why no-one came forward to offer him a home to live in, in safety.
Mike Steedenski
Having been unsuccessful in his attempts to convince the Nottingham Social Services of his urgent need for sheltered housing or to be adopted, Juan Inchcock employed retired Big Issue seller tunred spiv, Mike Steedenski to act on his behalf in suing the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team.
This didn’t work out as planned however.
At the first meeting arranged by Mr Steedenski for Inchcock, it happened to be on one of Juan’s off days unfortunately.
Waiting for him were the Chief Constable for Metropolitan Police District of West Ham and the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder at the reception desk.
He arrived at the Offices still wearing his pyjamas, and was soon puzzled as to he got there in them and why the Chief Constable for the Metropolitan Police District of West Ham was in attendance!
Juan’s First Visit
Shirley shift Juan off site
The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder snapped her fingers and the Security Guard Shirley Meatmuncher attended and pointed to the door, accidentally knocking him off his walking stick then smiling as returned to her other duties.
Inchcock’s Mr Steedenski gathered him up and took him back to his flea-pit to get changed and return later in proper clothes.
He dropped Inchcock off in his £79,505 BMW M5 30 Years Edition, which has a ‘limited’ top speed of 199mph. On the road, that translates to a claimed 0-62mph time of 3.9sec, that limited 199mph top speed, while still managing a not-terrible 28.5mpg and CO2 emissions of 231g/km. As per protocol, it’s strictly rear-wheel drive. Power’s sent via a seven-speed dual clutch gearbox, which has had a few light software upgrades to cope with the extra muscle. Which, if our maths is correct, gives the 1870kg 30 Jahre a power to weight ratio of 317bhp per tonne. Underneath, you’ll find the same stuff as you would under the M5 Competition Package, so 10mm lowering springs, 20-inch wheels with 265/40 front tyres and huge 295/40s in the back. Elsewhere, the 30 Jahre has new steering and differential software, matt silver metallic bodyw… Sorry I got a bit carried off the storyline there…
Juan’s Second Visit
Mr Steedenski told Inchcock to get into some different attire and he’s meet him back at the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service in Nottingham.
Unfortunately Inchcock had one of his funny turns when he was getting changed.
However he did change into some different attire and returned to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices… The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had waited for him to come back so long, he had grown and restyled her hair.
Security Guards Gaz and Lennard
This time he was thrown into the street unceremoniously. With Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder enjoyed giving the security burly guards a helping hand, although she maintained her smile throughout the belting she gave Inchcock.
She pointed out as she was giving him another belt around the head that if he didn’t return wearing decent clothes he would never get adopted or get a meeting with her again!
As Inchy burst into tears, he got out his pensioners bus-pass and made his way to the bus stop, sobbing uncontrollably.
He returned yet again to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices in Nottingham, nervous and timid as he approached the excellent landed of right hooks Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, the West Ham Chief Constable and the turn-coat spiv Mr Steedenski who had joined with the others now as they paid him more.
Juan’s Third Visit
Juan looked around shaking and twitching a tad to see if the Security Guards were approaching him. This time he had on his usual unwashed and unkempt attire and carried his usual bags with his spectacles cases, pigeon seed, mallard duck meal-worms, his medical information card, nibbles, pound shop umbrella, pens and pad, his medications, spare hearing aid batteries and his Ration-Card. We have yet to discover why he has always carried his Ration-Card with him since 1953?
The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had changed her hair style back by now, but still had that adorable smile on her face.
By then it near to closing time and they told Inchcock to come back again tomorrow.
Depressed, he made his way to the Okoku Bantu Social Centre and his friends.
But they had banned him due to his emissions of wind of late being slightly pungent and considered lethal.
More down now, the sad figure of Inchcock limped back to his hovel, dejected and morose.
Rachel cheered Juan up!
He made a cuppa and started his laptop up.
As soon as he opened his blog and saw the comments from the other bloggers, he cheered up and started reading the others blogs and turned into a radiant happy lad again.
In his eye-holes he was.
Ali cheered Juan up!
Spent hours reading and doing blogs, on Facebook and the BT internet connection didn’t go down either.
Fair enough he did fall down the stairs once, but only three steps!
So he got the yellow pages out and arranged for another legal representative to represent like.
He missed his evening medications again!
He tells me he might not bother going back to see the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, cause he’s a bit nervous still like.
Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!
Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.
I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.
26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.
“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”
At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”
“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.
“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?
He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.
I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.
He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.
Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.
Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!
Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.
Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.
“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”
He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”
Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!
Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.
After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.
Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.
Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.
As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.
Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School
The Chief Constable is posing for press photographs while Sergeant Gaztops sulks because they wouldn’t let him attack with hand grenades and nerve-gas
Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School
Police responded with dogs, helicopter, and ARV (Armed Response Vehicle) to a call for help, from the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham this morning at 0928hrs.
Officers sealed off all roads surrounding the school, apart from the one to the bookies and local pub. (Best not to upset the locals quoted the firearm bearing Traffic Warden Mike Steedenski)
A statement from the Nottingham Chief Constable Danny Soz-Poncemby said: “Twice last week, teachers and pupils reported suspicious characters lurking in the close vicinity of the school they knew they couldn’t be locals because they were not searching through the dustbins. It seems the same two have gained 
access to the premises, and when the teacher demanded they left and they refused, a hostage situation then developed.”
Sergeant Gaztops wanted to attack the school with hand-grenades and nerve gas, but we managed to calm him down with a Valium and gin mix and a promise of sex with the schoolmistress.
Our reporter Juan Inchcock asked: “Do you think that the intruders might be paedophiles?”
The Chief Constable replied: “Oh yes, I’d not thought of that!”
He turned to one of constables in riot gear next to him and commanded him to get more support and call for another CPO (Community Police Officer) to attend the scene, as soon as he’d finished having his breakfast.
Talks ensued, with one of the children via their Samsung Galaxy S2 mobile phones and the police negotiator.
At this point the burger can arrived and was allowed through the barricade so the officers who were keeping back the local muggers, shoplifters, gunmen and children absconding from their schools, could partake in food. Much to their delight.
No further details were forthcoming until 1430hrs, when it reported by the Chief Constable in a statement:
“I am glad to inform you that the hostage situation at the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham has been settled without any injuries this time.
He stopped to comb his hair, snuff out his roll-up and pose for some photographs to be taken by the press then continued:
“Both of the Police Officers abducted by the pupils were shook up, but released relatively unharmed after I agreed that no charges would be brought against the children. The graffiti on the headmistress’s door would not be cleaned off for 5 months, and the use of Ganja would be permitted in the playground for fifteen minutes a day during school time.”
He added as the Pizza and Burger vans pulled away:
“Another victory for common sense policing!”