It’s been in the news lately about the failure of a Nottingham Lad, Juan Inchcock (68) to get himself adopted.

He claimed that this miscarriage of justice was the fault of the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team. Saying they were wrong in divulging his insanitary habits and illnesses in the advertising when trying to get him re-homed, and that is why no-one came forward to offer him a home to live in, in safety.

Having been unsuccessful in his attempts to convince the Nottingham Social Services of his urgent need for sheltered housing or to be adopted, Juan Inchcock employed retired Big Issue seller tunred spiv, Mike Steedenski to act on his behalf in suing the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team.

This didn’t work out as planned however.

At the first meeting arranged by Mr Steedenski for Inchcock, it happened to be on one of Juan’s off days unfortunately.

Waiting for him were the Chief Constable for Metropolitan Police District of West Ham and the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder at the reception desk.

He arrived at the Offices still wearing his pyjamas, and was soon puzzled as to he got there in them and why the Chief Constable for the Metropolitan Police District of West Ham was in attendance!

The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder snapped her fingers and the Security Guard Shirley Meatmuncher attended and pointed to the door, accidentally knocking him off his walking stick then smiling as returned to her other duties.

Inchcock’s Mr Steedenski gathered him up and took him back to his flea-pit to get changed and return later in proper clothes.

He dropped Inchcock off in his £79,505 BMW M5 30 Years Edition, which has a ‘limited’ top speed of 199mph. On the road, that translates to a claimed 0-62mph time of 3.9sec, that limited 199mph top speed, while still managing a not-terrible 28.5mpg and CO2 emissions of 231g/km. As per protocol, it’s strictly rear-wheel drive. Power’s sent via a seven-speed dual clutch gearbox, which has had a few light software upgrades to cope with the extra muscle. Which, if our maths is correct, gives the 1870kg 30 Jahre a power to weight ratio of 317bhp per tonne. Underneath, you’ll find the same stuff as you would under the M5 Competition Package, so 10mm lowering springs, 20-inch wheels with 265/40 front tyres and huge 295/40s in the back. Elsewhere, the 30 Jahre has new steering and differential software, matt silver metallic bodyw… Sorry I got a bit carried off the storyline there…

Mr Steedenski told Inchcock to get into some different attire and he’s meet him back at the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service in Nottingham.

Unfortunately Inchcock had one of his funny turns when he was getting changed.

However he did change into some different attire and returned to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices… The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had waited for him to come back so long, he had grown and restyled her hair. 

This time he was thrown into the street unceremoniously. With Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder enjoyed giving the security burly guards a helping hand, although she maintained her smile throughout the belting she gave Inchcock.

She pointed out as she was giving him another belt around the head that if he didn’t return wearing decent clothes he would never get adopted or get a meeting with her again!

As Inchy burst into tears, he got out his pensioners bus-pass and made his way to the bus stop, sobbing uncontrollably.

He returned yet again to the Nottingham City Council’s Fostering and Adoption Service offices in Nottingham, nervous and timid as he approached the excellent landed of right hooks Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, the West Ham Chief Constable and the turn-coat spiv Mr Steedenski who had joined with the others now as they paid him more.

Juan looked around shaking and twitching a tad to see if the Security Guards were approaching him. This time he had on his usual unwashed and unkempt attire and carried his usual bags with his spectacles cases, pigeon seed, mallard duck meal-worms, his medical information card, nibbles, pound shop umbrella, pens and pad, his medications, spare hearing aid batteries and his Ration-Card. We have yet to discover why he has always carried his Ration-Card with him since 1953?

The Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder had changed her hair style back by now, but still had that adorable smile on her face.

By then it near to closing time and they told Inchcock to come back again tomorrow.

Depressed, he made his way to the Okoku Bantu Social Centre and his friends.

But they had banned him due to his emissions of wind of late being slightly pungent and considered lethal.

 More down now, the sad figure of Inchcock limped back to his hovel, dejected and morose.

He made a cuppa and started his laptop up.

As soon as he opened his blog and saw the comments from the other bloggers, he cheered up and started reading the others blogs and turned into a radiant happy lad again.

In his eye-holes he was.

Spent hours reading and doing blogs, on Facebook and the BT internet connection didn’t go down either.

Fair enough he did fall down the stairs once, but only three steps!

So he got the yellow pages out and arranged for another legal representative to represent like.

He missed his evening medications again!

He tells me he might not bother going back to see the Nottingham Foster and Adoption Team Manageress Marissa Mandible-grinder, cause he’s a bit nervous still like.