Humour – Page 172 – Inchie Today

Inchcock Misses His Walk into Nottingham

Juan Inchcock, our 68 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the today.

Partly due to his arthritis, angina, losing his free-bus-pass and walking stick, the flapping holed sole of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather.

He was straining a thrice-used Asda Smartprice tea bag, when he thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful walks through his beloved Nottingham.

He takes up the story… no hang on, he’ll take up the story when he returns from the loo.

(Whistle whistle…)

Ah here he comes….

Inchcock explains all

I feel rather sad really, realising the many things I had come to expect to see and enjoy on my daily hobble into Nottingham and by bus-ride back home again.

The things I miss most

* The skills I’ve acquired over the years in avoiding the dog phoo and broken bottles on the way to the main road.

* Checking for the gangs of yobs, and taking a different route.

* The skilful way I avoid the stones thrown at me, and ignore having my parentage questioned by the little mites in the playground as I pass the Junior school.

* Passing the many Pay-Day loan outlets is a bit depressing though. Not often I see any customers in them, but they always seem to be someone smoking, with a pram with toddler and beer cans in it, and a few kids with them. The kids are usually trying their best to destroy the furniture in the office.

* The pleasure of guessing to myself, where the next road blocked off while the police investigate the murder, stabbing, or fire-bombing that took place the previous night will be situated.

* Using my vast experience and skills in spotting and avoiding the beggars, Big Issue sellers, and pickpockets as I approach the city centre.

* Observing the playful way in which the shoplifters are occasionally removed from the stores into the police vehicles.

* Popping into the 99p store to be short-changed, sneered at and overcharged, I have to appreciate their consistency.

* Moving along to the Pound shop and getting out without physical injury is very rewarding – reminds me of jumble sales in the 1960’s.

* The St Peter’s Church area. Where one can find Jehovah’s witnesses, Muslims’ and of odd Christian spouting their beliefs.

* The clever way in which I take the routes less likely to be shat on by the pigeons, not always successfully I admit… all this experience is invaluable.

* To stand and watch Himmler, the parking attendant, with his chest out, and weighed down with all his pouches, machines, and tackle around his midriff, strutting up and down Mansfield Road, as he totally ignores cars parked on the pavement, and in the disabled bay. I often wondered if his ticket machine actually works, I’ve never seen him use it yet this year (or last year come to that!).

* The lunchtime drunks falling out of the pubs can be entertaining too.

* I often wonder if I am the only person to see the drug dealing going on in the city library and McDonald’s.

* Avoiding the gangs of lager swilling pot smoking scary looking gentlemen who gather outside of the three benefit offices in the city centre is an essential part of surviving a walk through town. But I have to take care not to trip over any of empty strong lager cans.

* The gentle whiff of rotting decay rising from the canal, as the ducks try to navigate around the shopping trolleys, condoms, empty cider bottles, and bicycles to get to the bread I’ve thrown in for them is always worth a look.

* The constant melodious sound of intruder alarms, car, and emergency vehicle sirens and klaxon’s, mingle with voices and curses of people being arrested, the children swearing, and the many different languages being spoken, all blend together to create a distinctively Nottingham sound that should be appreciated.

* A quick check on the many Charity shops – but they cannot help me!

* I might pop into the Arboretum to feed the ducks, get mugged, on my way to a meeting with my financial advisor (Social Security Benefits Office).

* An essential part of my strolls through the City Centre is to count the many and ever increasing number of retail premises closed down, for sale, lease, or rent. I do a report each month for the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society’s newsletter, although they have never printed one yet.

* I’ll often stand outside Starbucks, Caffe Nero or Costa Coffee, and sniff in the aroma, watching the people inside who can afford £2.99 for a cup of the horrible stuff.

* The pleasant group of youths who congregate in the slab square near the fountains are worth a watch while I rest me weary feet and legs and eat me seaweed. I think the one with four ear-rings, a nose ring, smudged tattoos on his neck and green dyed hair is the best of them at seeing hoe far they can spit into the paddling pool area.

* Having been hit four times my Mobility Scooters (Or the people supposedly driving them) I am on tenterhooks when in the city centre. So I have to try and keep an eye out for them while trying to keep me balance walking, and watching for potential muggers. (I’ve been mugged twice as well).

Oh I do miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Part 22: Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe – The Night of the Storms!

So there I was, out of work.

In the old days it was easier to get another job, but all I could manage was to become a night security guard for a local company…. on £3.10 ($4.79) an hour!

**The main hall, and Pitch and Putt area**

I was posted to the Co-op College, Stanford Hall, out in the country at Rempstone, on 13 hours night shifts, and a 15 mile trip each way.

The place was massive, duties included, patrolling all 11 buildings, restaurant, pub, archives, library, stores, computer room, reception, cash takings security, drunks, car parking, games rooms, tennis courts, golf course, the Lido, the four residential blocks (including the 244 students regular studebts), the tutors quarters, the 18 classrooms, issuing tennis and golf gear for hire, the Roman gardens, the central heating for the main block, and greeting visitors and taking them in the restaurant to serve salads to them, before guiding them to their rooms and carrying their luggage for them, manning the phones, responding to calls for assistance form pupils, tutors, bar staff, and visitors, the local police ARV vehicle, key control (there were over a thousand keys on site), the hundreds of windows on site, different timed lock-ups unlocks, setting unsetting alarms, unlocks, escorting bar staff to and from the safe with the cash, keeping drunks in order, somehow finding time for recorded patrols and responding to calls for help etc etc!

Looking back, I do not know how I managed it… but this particular night, the ‘Night of the Storms’, was a particularly horrendous night!

1720hrs: The lightning and rain started pelting down as I drove up the main drive to the reception, to start work at 1800hrs…

As soon as the staff had shown me the keys for the night’s visitors due, and they shot off during a break in the rain.

Then it started: The first power cut!

Now this was new to me, and I knew the first thing I had to check was the Police Armed Response Vehicle garage, conveniently located at the far West end of the compound, this I did, and returned to inform the police that all was safe with it – then I rang the caretaker, to find out how to reset the boiler, all the time having to fend off enquiries from bar staff, drinkers, students, and tutors about the power cut!

I got my torch, and went into the boiler room, luckily the instructions given me by the caretaker, sat at home watching the Morecombe and Wise show, were clear, and in about five minutes, I’d reset the boiler. After I stumbled about a bit the torch packed up. Grazed chins and a bruised head were acquired within minutes of entering the boiler room.

Back to base (reception area), to find all the flaming alarms were going off – 14 All of them I say!

It took ages, but finally I managed to get them all reset, not without a certain degree of frustration and cursing.

Then the guests arrived, and I fed them, and guided them to their rooms, they were Bulgarian, but somehow I got my messages across.

Then, I thought, ah, I’ll put the kettle on, and get me first patrol in… ‘Oh no!’ The second power cut took place!

This time I was a bit more knowledgeable as to the procedure, and went through it all again.

Then I got calls from students who were locked in the computer room, and archive rooms due to the alarm affecting the locks! So I had to go and release them, and reset the code access controls on the door.

When the bar closed, I escorted the barman with his cash to the safe, and we deposited it safely. Then I went around locking up the library, computer room, archive room, games rooms, Tutors quarters, etc.

By 1100hrs, the staff had all gone, and I hoped things would settle down a bit.

**Incident Report Sheets galore that night – oh dear…**

I took the opportunity to start filling in my incident report sheets – then the third power cut struck!

It was getting hectic now, students wanting to know what was going on, stopping me, phoning me, they even rang the company (For obvious reasons I can’t mention their name here Scan Security) to say they couldn’t find me for help. The night manager contacted me on the RT. What a night!

This time I had no staff to bother me, so got it sorted relatively quickly… all bar an extra alarm that I could not identify had gone off this time! I had to phone the very unhappy at being woken up caretaker again. It turned out it was a hallway picture alarm, but we could not identify which, so I had the pleasure of going around all the halls and staircases, checking the 60 or so pictures/paintings hanging on the walls, to identify which one it was – during this, the forth power cut hit!

I went through the procedures again and then back to searching for the activated alarm on the painting. I managed to find it, and closed the contacts behind it in the hope that I could now reset it at the panel.

So back down two flights of stairs, through the main hall, back into reception to get the keys to the ‘catering managers office’, where I was informed, the panel was located for this alarm.

It was in a walk-in cupboard. I fetched the required keys; the panel was very high on the wall. I had to use a chair to stand on to reach it, but thankfully, it reset okay.

Back to reception, put away the keys, and back to my incident reports, and yes, you’ve guessed it – another power cut!

This time lightning had hit a tree outside the boiler room door, and partly blocked entry – so very sodden and frustrated, I had to haul it out of the way, but everything reset okay again… then I realised I’d forgotten to inform the Leicestershire constabulary control room that all was safe with the ARV garage… so did so, and got a mouthful for being late with the report.

I swore.

As the staff arrived in the morning, nothing looked any different to them, and I had to take the incident reports home with me to finish filling them out.

While doing this at my home, the phone rang, control had received a message from the Catering Manager at the college. It seems I had left a dirty foot-mark on the chair used while I was accessing the mystery alarm panel, and I was now to receive a written warning!

Real worried I was…

Inchcock Today: Friday 8th August 2014

It might have been dream filled, but the bit of sleep I managed was most welcome after so long without any. A plus here.

Up around 0500hrs. Me first WC visit, but blood from the back passage. A minus levelling me earlier plus there.

I put laptop on. Made cuppa, no breakfast yet, feeling a tad queasy. WC.

Set out to catch up on emails and blogs, to give meself time to get ready later to meet brother-in-law Pete in town. He’s agreed to take some photo’s of me that I can manipulate (manipulate… another word I like, don’t know why though) for later use on the blogs. This saves me repeating too many on posts.

WC. I blogged away to my heart’s content.

Got ready things for my walk to town to meet Pete – put camera in bag first, then nibbles and medications.

Off up to the bathroom for me ablutions, WC and cleansing of the teggies and body. Changed togs and off I went… after a quick visit to the WC.

I started to walk to town, nibbling me seaweed, banana and pecan nuts as I trundled along.

Near the cemetery on Mansfield road, I saw an old Rolls Royce driving towards me. I hastily got out me camera and took a shot of it – well I tried to… but a bus belted past from behind just as I was shooting it and made me jump. The Rolls Royce is located behind the bus on the photo here. Tsk!

I pressed on, and as I got near to the centre of town, I saw an ambulance with its lights flashing. I thought maybe some poor devil had been knocked down. As I drew level with the altercation on the opposite side of the road, I saw two pretend police ‘womanesses’ (CPOs) with the medics, and the bloke who had been mugged was still on the floor? Welcome to Nottingham.

Wandered to where I’d arranged to meet Pete, and there he was.

We had a wander around town, and I tried out some of what I thought were a few punch-lines on him, that I might put in a blog-post. He didn’t laugh. But as we are both a bit on the deaf side… never mind.

We went to the bus station, and Pete took some photo’s I might get me face of for a bit of graphicastionalistical fun with.

Pete gorron his bus home, and I wandered back through town to me bus stop, taking some photos while passing through the city centre.

Being late Friday afternoon, as expected the bus was very full – but no one sat next to me in the spare seat, they stood instead? Mmmm… And I’d put me ‘Brut’ on when I had me wash… Mmmm?

Got in me street, no yobs about thank heavens.

Had several cups of tea, well I made several cups of tea. Most of em went cold cause I was deep in concentration making graphics to use later.

Made me nosh of leftover bits of ham, instant cheese mash and a tin of sweet corn, naturally I had me seaweed with it, followed by an orange lolly.

Inchcock’s Letter to Agony Aunt: 01

Dear Auntie,

I’ve still not got over the best put-down line offered to me from a member of the opposite sex, to date. (And there has been hundreds over the years).

I was working at Tesco at the time, and this new girl Wilhelmina had started there, and she soon got my heart, foibles and desires all of a flutter.

Eventually I plucked up enough courage to offer to take her on a date, to the pictures (to the Elite cinema) in Nottingham.

Her response, hit me hard, and I’ve never forgotten how she leant her head to one side, adopted a radiant sympathetic smile, and looked down at me and said: “No thanks titch, I only date men!”

As it came over, I was uncertain if she was referring to my height or length. Although I agree, both measurements are extremely short, incommensurate, and remarkably insufficient.

I feel I am not responsible for either of these miniscule measurements. Can’t understand it, my Dad was more than well equipped.

It isn’t fair!

I once visited a psychologist, a Dr Damien Gropeworthy for help with my phobia. He just said “It is a darling little thing that should be cherished and massaged regularly.”

I didn’t go back to see him again.

But you can see my problem… can’t you? (Well not see my shortage as such, but the difficulties it presents to me).

Any good advice would be welcome, as I have a date next week, and need to be prepared you see.

Yours: Juan Inchcock Chambers

Grane plot 34 (Next to the fire bombed police car) The Nottingham Ex Gas Lamp Lighters Benefit Support Association Accommodation, Central Cemetery, Nottingham.

Inchy’s Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: City to the Castle

From the City Centre – to Nottingham Castle

Our local historian, guide, agniologist and doddery pensioner Juan Inchcock takes you along the route, describing what we sees now, and what was there in his youth and before. A Nottingham born Lad of a gentle nature, uneducated, insanitary, and in ill health, he’s been reporting on Nottingham for many years. He’s currently the top unpaid journalist for WordPress.com. and a founder member of the ‘Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, and offers half of all the money that he doesn’t earn to support to the ‘Bring Back the Death Penalty for Politician’s – Senile Diplegic Supporters Division, Nottingham Branch’, as Secretary to the branches cleaning operatives third cousin.

The comparisons depict the changing face of life for Nottinghamians’.

Nottingham City Centre

1863:

We stand in the market-place amidst the horse and carts of the traders, opposite the Soup kitchens.

1963:

**Bill Fury, one of my all time favourites, along with Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Adam Faith, The Shadows, Acker Bilk… I’d better stop or I’ll not have any room left!**

We stand at the taxi rank, opposite the McFisheries supermarket. Billy Fury, Elvis, Adam Faith and the new group theBeatles records on sale at Griffin and Spalding store.

2014:

We stand on the new tram lines on South Parade, opposite the bank raided by armed robbers last July, the Pay-Day loan shop, and the Fountains provided for our children to play and urinate in, and the three Coffee Houses.

Friar Lane (bottom)

1863:

On the corner on our left, is the Mikado Cafe, tea or coffee costing 1/8th of a penny. (Farthing) 0.005p)

1963:

On the corner on our left, is The Friary Cafe, tea or coffee 3d (1¼p) Toby’s department store, and Burton’s Tailors next to Wimpey Cafe/Bar.

2014:

On the corner on our left, is Starbucks cafe, (looted in the 2010 Nottingham riots), tea £1.20 coffee up to £3.39. Where a few years ago I was responding to an alarm call, and got booked my a traffic warden.

Friar Lane (Way up on the left)

1863:

No buildings at all by the lane, which was almost a very wide pathway then.

**She earned more in a month as a part-time Barclay’s ‘Advisor’, than I did in a year! Didn’t bother me though… oh no!**

1963:

A sweetshop, Hambro’s Bank (went defunct in 1988), no Conservative minister investors to save them then, like William Hague to ensure his wife’s income from her part-time job as a Barclay’s bank advisor remained profitable, like in 2010, an old peoples help centre (conveniently positions at the top of the hill).. oh dear, now closed down, and an Indian restaurant.

2014:

A cobblers, hairdressers, empty Co-op bank building, and a Charity Shop, Chinese Food shop, and Pay-Day Loan crooks shop.

Friar Lane (Way up on the right)

**Many beautiful designs of Fothergill’s in Nottingham have destroyed by our wonderful Nottingham City Council. This one survived, but is unoccupied.**

1863:

Some magnificent houses of the rich, designed by William Fothergill, gargoyles included.

1963:

The grand Toby’s Department Store (Vernon House). Went Bankrupt a few years later.

2014:

A Charity shop, the Citi Restaurant (Beer from £2.99 per bottle), and a newsagents.

Friar Lane (Junction of Derby Road) Corner one on the left:

1863:

This area was (apart from a footpath forged through it) all wasteland, with lookout posts from the military based at the Castle.

1963:

A cafe (cannot remember the name, possibly Maid Marion Cafe. Fish & Chips 1/10d (9p)

2014:

Indian Resturant Fish and Chips £7.99.

Corner One on the right:

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 1d (¼p)

2014:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 50p weekdays, 60p Saturdays.

Corner Three on the left:

1863:

Lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

1963:

Derelict lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

2014:

Abandoned office block.

Corner four on the right

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Tesco supermarket (purchased from Elmo supermarkets)

2014:

Abandoned Robin Hood Centre (torched in the Nottingham Riots 2010).

Friar Lane (Top end right)

1863:

Stables for the cavalry based at Nottingham Castle.

1963:

Travel Agents, Wimpey’s snack bar, and ice cream shop.

2014:

Row of abandoned businesses, charity shop, and a night shelter for street dwellers.

Friar Lane (Top end left)

1863:

Residential premises.

1963:

Residential and now offices built.

2014:

Abandoned offices.

Nottingham Castle Entrance

1863:

Near main gates: Horse-guard’s Cavalry Stables and arsenal. No admittance to the citizenry.

1963:

Near main gates: Ice-cream vendor, flower seller, and Boy Scout hut. Robin Hood statue and car park. Admission free.

2014:

Near main gates: Graffiti ridden Robin Hood statue cleaned up, CCTV cameras, No parking sign, Admission fee £6.50.

More Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham to follow

Inchcock Today: Thurs 7th August

Inchcock Today: Thursday 7^th August

Not much kip again, but at least I got some in last night.

First job my sixth visit of the night to the WC.

Laptop on, had a cuppa and porridge. Had a great time creating commenting on a few and reading blogs. BT internet only went down a few time this morning.

About 1230hrs did me ablutions, WC, got ready to go and pick up my extra prescription from the GP. WC’d before I left.

Got prescription from the surgery, and set off on a walk (limp) into town.

Walked passed the chemists forgetting to get me medications – I blame the fact that I was noshing a banana.

In town, I caught a bus out to Derby.

I fed the pigeons behind the bus station. Noticed how low the water was, this revealed a new shopping trolley in the Derwent.

Had a hobble around, noticed all the people seemed in a bad mood there.

Walked out and caught bus to Mansfield.

In Mansfield, I realised that the people of Derby, were in fact not in a bad mood. What a depressing place the market there was today. Folk already staggering sloshed out of the pubs, people arguing, oh dearie me.

I bought a crossword book from the arcade, and made my way back to the bus station. I could smell food cooking somewhere, so was forced to investigate in the shop. Boy did I have a job telling her I had bought the crossword book from somewhere else.

Caught the bus back to Carrington, it was busy with passengers by then, and I had the company of a foreign lady on the seat in front speaking non-stop on her mobile, and a deep voiced loud chap on his mobile in the seat behind. Proper headache by the time I got off the bus. Neither stopped talking for over an hour.

I got off the bus as I had cunningly planned, near the chemists. Went in and they dispensed me prescription for me within fifteen minutes as I started me crossword book off.

Good job there was some extra pain-killers, had to take a couple straight away for me headache. Tsk!

Struggled home, knees and feet bad now. Got in, put the kettle on, and then went back out to the chemists to pick up me crossword book.

Back to the hovel again. WC.

Had a Cornish pastie peas and microwave chips – naughty but nice, followed by an orange jelly. I just don’t care yer know!

Took laptop up to do this blog. WC.

Not one of me most exciting days, but at least I got out a bit, must phone Jane again later and try and cheer her up a tad.

TTFN

Inchcock Today: Wed 6th Aug 2014

**Good job he didn’t have his glasses on… poor sod!**

Inchcock Today: Wednesday 6^th August

No sleep through the night as such, feeling tired and weak.

0500hrs: WC, started laptop, WC, made a cuppa and pot of porridge (added a spot of honey, ah the good life), WC.

Did graphics for this blog, WC, Made another cuppa, Asda delivery arrived 0630 hrs. WC.

Now I can’t get into me Emails? What next… oh, it’s come up now.

I posted blog posts and started writing and graphics for me next one.

Several visits to the WC.

Got meself sorted a bit, still not feeling very great, but managed to get meself around to the doctors to pick up me extra prescriptions. Didn’t actually get there though… I remembered it was Wednesday and not Thursday, the day I was to pick up the prescription.

Wearily back to the hovel.

Visit to the WC.

Saw a policeman on foot on the street when I got back – yes an actual policeman (Well, a CPO) on our street, never been known for ages.

Couldn’t muster up any energy today. Angina playing up too, I feel so tired.

**No foodstuff were purchased from Lidl**

But I’m eating, boy am I eating. Made some instant mash with onions, added cheese granules, some cooked ham, seaweed, peas, and bread. Followed by two suckers and an ice-cream.

Followed later as I lay there praying for sleep – by bags of Marmite crisps and walnuts.

Visit to the WC.

Drained, I lay there still waiting for sleep, as I listened to the radio, read me book, watched a DVD… oh oh and several visits to the porcelain.

TTFN all…

Inchcock’s Letter of to anyone who will listen

Dear Anyone who will listen,

It has come to me attention, and that of the NHS Casualty Department staff, that I have been clobbered four times now, by folk driving disabled and Motorbility scooters in the Nottingham area.

The First Attack

The first was on Mansfield Road near the cemetery as I was walking up the hill on my way to town.

He came from behind, knocking me over and spilling my bag of goodies on the floor as he drove over me right leg. It were a decent clout wot I received.

The disabled driver then continued to rant at me, despite my pointing to me hearing aids, and then shot off up the hill. I asked the woman who came over to me, what he was saying. It seemed he was asking if I was alright, but got angry when I couldn’t hear what he was saying?

Anyway, I gorrup with the lady’s assistance, dusted missen down, thanked the lady, and carried on me walk into town. Unfortunately I took a turn for the worse, and felt very dizzy, so called into the NHS Drop-in centre in town, who checked me over and called for an ambulance. At the hospital, the grim faced doctor said he could find nothing wrong with me, and churlishly sent me on me way.

The Second Attack

Shopping in Victoria centre, I as hobbling along nicely and received a blow from behind as the mobility scooter knocked into me.

I called out immediately to the driver, and heard his description of certain male bodily parts in answer.

The Third Attack

In Derby’s Eagle Centre. I was stood still, bent down sorting out the things in me shopping bag, walking stick on me arm.

Next thing me nose is touching the floor, as the gentleman in a Motorbility scooter knocked me over from behind, breaking me walking stick as he just carried on over it, and disappeared!

The Fourth Attack

This took place in the Queens Medical hospital a few weeks ago.

I’d just arrived at the haematology dept for me weekly INR Warfarin level tests, and was near the ticket issue machine. A lady on a Motorbility scooter pulled up beside me. I asked her if she needed a ticket. She just replied “No I don’t”.

So I took one for myself, and moved over to the second row of seats, and was stood by the end of them, getting my paperwork out ready, and as propelled across the seats as she drove into them, and she carried on trying to accelerate for a while, I could feel the shuddering.

The staff in treatment room heard the commotion and came out as she had finally managed to free her scooter from me and the chairs, and drove off! The staff did an accident report for me. I went in for me tests, and they all had a good laugh about it.

I’d like to request you send me some limpet mines at a good price, so that next time I can try to disable the offending scooter long enough for me to… well..

I’ve just watched a DVD that me brother-in-law copied off the telly for me. About disability scooters, and the drivers not having to take a test or practise on them before going out on the roads to mangle Inchcock.

And it said the dangerous drivers of these mechanic accidents waiting to happen, do not have to have insurance either?

Tut!…

Grrr….

They’re not safe yer know!

Yours;

Juan Inchcock

Nervous Lane

Gottanewticknow

Ward 19

Nottingham’s Queens Medical Centre

Quotes and Predictions from the 1950/60’s – They should make you think…

How things change eh?

This list was compiled by Juan Inchcock Chambers, Britain’s answer to Diphtheria and decrepit unpaid, overweight chronically sick and ancient reporter for this Blog, for your perusal and enjoyment. Should you find this article enjoyable, readable, interesting or entertaining and thought provoking; Please contact Juan at The Nottingham Savoy Hotel, the Basement, between the fifth and sixth Refuse Collection Bin on the right, next to the Big Issue satchels. You can contact him during the hours of darkness nesting in the Kellogg’s Corn Flake box there.

Here are some quotes from people made during the 1950/60’s

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going this way, its’ going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for less than £10 I can tell yer”

(2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before they start charging over £100 for em.”

(3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 2/- (10p) a pack, this is ridiculous.”

(4) “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a 6d (2 .5p) just to mail a letter?”

(5) “The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”

(6) “When I first started driving, who would have thought petrol would someday cost 2/- (10p) a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”

(7) “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters nowadays.”

(8) “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”

(9) “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or damn’ in it nowadays.”

(10) “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”

(11) “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards left any more.”

(12) “Soon you won’t be able to buy a decent 6p (2.5p) cigar.”

(13) “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas yer know… really I’m not joking”

(14) “Did you see where that Chelsea football player just signed a contract for £56 a week, just to play football? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the Prime Minister.”

(15) “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”

(16) “1/- (5d) for a loaf of bread? Christ, where will it end?”

(17) “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some married women might have to work to make ends meet.”

(18) “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

(19) “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”

(20) ” I’ll tell you one thing. If my son ever talks back to me, he won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

(21) “Did you know the new Vicar is allowing women to wear slacks to their services?”

(22) “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”

(23) “I’m just afraid that new Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

(24) “The picture houses are now charging 1/- (5p) entry fee, this will mean the end of the industry I can tell you.”

(25) “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”

(26) “I advised my children to smoke Craven ‘A’ cigarettes, they are better for the throat you know.”

(27) “There is no fun in going to Skegness or Mablethorpe any more for a weekend. It costs nearly £2 a night to stay in some of the Nottingham Hotels now. And even the lodging houses are charging well over 3/6 (17.5p) a night!”

(28) “Now they are changing the meters (Gas/Electricity) to take shillings now (5p) instead of one penny!”

(29) “AA and RAC patrols on the ‘A’ roads will always be there for you”

(30) “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”

(31) “I don’t know about you but if Wimpy’s raise the price of coffee to 3p (1.4p), I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”

(32) “If they think I’ll pay 1/6d (7.5p) for a haircut, forget it. I’ll have the wife learn to cut hair.”

(33) “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 6p (2.5p) an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”

(34) “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

35) “After this Profumo affair, our Members of Parliament will become more reliable I’m sure!”

36) ” When you grow up lad, all of the wars will have finished, folks have got to learn from history you see, it’s inevitable son.”

Inchy’s E-Mail to the Nottingham Constabulary

Inspired by a letter published in the Daily Telegraph

The E-Mail

Having been bothered with the local yobs on my street, several times, and mugged twice. I’d like to give you an update on my situation.

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Nottingham Sherwood police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Sherwood by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Sherbrooke Road, Carrington, Nottingham

Three of them seem to enjoy insulting passing pedestrians and motorists, threatening them as the pass.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

Several of them wander off to set fire to the odd bin. When they get to house number 14, I am concerned they might cause a catastrophe, due to the location of a rusty Calor gas bottle between the bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished cleaning me windows.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

Thank You

Juan Inchcock Chambers.