Inchcock’s Abilities Revealed by Dr Duncan Robertson!


Here They Are:

* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!

* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!

* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as second!

* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around me!

* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who gets bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog that attacked just me!

* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!

* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, him or the poor bus cleaner!

* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!

* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, and spoons!

* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette!

* The ability to take my 8 morning medications at night, and your 6 evening medications in the morning!

* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what I went into that room for!

* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!

* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, and the general public when I collapse on the street!

* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from my various orifices.!

* The ability to scare people horrendously when I smile and say ‘Good Morning’ to them!

* The ability to lipread wrongly!

* The ability to get on the wrong bus!

* The ability to bleed unexpectedly at regular intervals!

* The ability to get knocked into by pavement Cyclists and mobility scooter drivers!

* The ability to maintain my life of sorts, despite my lak of education, constant failings and depressions!

* The ability to tell the truth – this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!

* The ability to want to help others – a futile quality!

* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!

* The ability to almost see my feet looking down passed your ever expanding bouncy belly!

* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices!

* The ability to remember things from years ago, but not ten minutes ago!

* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!

* The ability to still enjoy using carbolic soap!

* The ability to realise that the adage ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ is valid!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem’!

* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!

* The ability to realise that:  When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.

* The ability to understand what W Somerset Maugham meant by ‘An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones’

* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

* The ability to fall asleep, or forget about saucepans heating food on the stove, and let them burn beyond salvation!

* The ability to erect an Ikea clothes-rack and have the first person to see it completed compliment him on his new piece of Andy Warhol art!


Thu 3 Sept : Inchcock Today: Off to visit Fooey, Jane and Pete at their Mansion…

Thursday 3rd September 2015

Woke and lay there thinking of the dreams I’d had: I was driving around the countryside at night in a great luxury car, A BMW type, and dropping folk off and picking some up. It was foggy and dank. I had the feeling that the people I was taking and picking up were happy? – Later in a totally different scenario I was stuck in a spiders web, but not concerned at all as the beast approached and wrapped me up and hung me up? – I found a scribbled note on me book about Back at college doing Grocers Institute course, but can’t remember owt about it like?

Forced missen to get up, boy was I still tired.

Soon found ‘Little Inchy’ had been and was Bleeding, so I went t’bathroom the corticosteroid cream is getting low now. Not easy stopping the leakage this morning but I eventually managed it. WC’d.

Made cuppa and took me medications.

Found wrist alarm and hearing aids where I expected to (Not bragging like… well, yes I am). Made sure I’d got all I needed in me bag and jacket: Solicitors letters to show Jane and Pete as I collect the house-deeds later on me visit to fuss Fooey the cat, camera, nibbles for Jane and Pete, mobile phone in pocket, bus-pass.

Did some Facebooking and finished yesterdays Diary.

Time to do some graphicalisationing before I have to get missen cleaned up ready for me trip to the Mansion.

All prepared I went down and waited in the reception area at the entrance for a few minutes due to the weather being cold outside.

♫ Baby it’s cold outside,

(I really can’t stay) But, baby, it’s cold outside
(I’ve got to go away) But, baby, it’s cold outside
(This evening has been) Been hoping that you’d drop in
(So very nice) I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what’s your hurry
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I’d better scurry) Beautiful, please don’t hurry
(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour

(The neighbours might think) Baby, it’s bad out there
(Say what’s in this drink) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

(I ought to say no, no, no, sir) Mind if I move in closer… ♫

Sorry, got carried away again… Tsk!

Had a chin-wag with some other tenants as we waited, then moved out and I got the bus into town.

Slipped the pigeons some seeds as I walked to the bus-stop and caught the bus out to West Bridgford. I was soon at Jane & Pete’s palace. Jane was cleaning the porch-way windows and floor, so got me to step over onto the mat… nearly had a Whoopsiedangleplop!

I gave them their nibbles and pressies, half expected  birthday surprise back from them but nothing matured.

DSC00046Pete produced some old blown-up Ordnance Survey maps of old Nottingham and we had an interesting chat over them.

After Jane and Pete finished their er… discussion on where Cromwell Street was on the map – Jane won 3-2, we looked at another two maps Pete had.

It was fascinating looking at how it was in 1865.

Whoever drew them to scale must have been a genius without all the od cons not being available.

01topA squirrel appeared on the there bird table and I used me new camera to take some shots of it.

Very pleased with the results I must say.

Took some photo’s of Fooey. They came out with Red-eye, so I’ll me interested in seeing how they come out after treatment on the Corelpaint proggy later, never tried red eye removal before.

Then Jane set to kindly explaining my faults to me:

I don’t listen to what people say! Difficult when she and Pete are talking at the same time with the TV on in the background – but I dare not say owt like…

I don’t eat properly. How does she know when she hasn’t been to see me for two years? – but I dare not say owt like…

I’m too trusting! – Guilty!

I can’t expect to make friends if I don’t go out socialising! I can’t afford to yet – but I dare not say owt like…

I’ll never get anywhere to live if I don’t pull me socks up! I haven’t told her yet that I have moved – but I dare not say owt like…

My glasses aren’t clean enough – Guilty! – but I dare not say owt like…

There were many more, but I don’t have enough band-width to list em all – Hehe.

Pete thanked me for the painkillers I gave him for his toothache… no, come think of it he didn’t. He was in a grumpy mood, the pain I suppose, so I forgave him.

I made an excuse after two hours and left to catch the bus back into town.

DSC00047Had some time to kill so called in the pound Shop and got some bread. Then down into town where, parked in the exact spot I parked in years ago when i was working in security and on an alarm response activation and got a parking ticket for me efforts – was the Lord Mayors Jaguar – but it didn’t bother me after all these years, oh no indeed. WPlie

I had a walk upDSC00048 Clinton Street, so much busier than yesterday.

Unfortunately I walked past Jessops and forgot about going in about the camera – Flogglecocks!

I put it down to me attention being taken away by the young lady with the gorgeous chunky legs on display in the photo like.

To the bus stop to find I’d missed the L9 – these gals showing their legs cause all sorts of problems don’t they? Tsk!

So I got on an Arnold bus and dropped off in Sherwood, crossed the road and walking up to see when the next L8 from there was, it arrived and drove passed the bus-stop while I was ten foot away. Hey-ho.

Carried on up the hill and had another walk through Woodthorpe Park back to the flats – the tootsies were aching a bit when I got in.

First thing WC’d, then made a nosh and watched some television – Yes… I can now I’ve got me headphones sorted. (He says smugly)

Washed the pots and cleared up and got on with downloading the photographs I took of Fooey at the Mansion while being rollocked by Jane.


I was mildly chuffed when I got them done. The first one above had bad Red-eye, first effort didn’t clear it all, second perfick! Cropped it too.

39Foo2x3I got Jane to give hold him while I fussed him. I’d have got down to cuddle hie bit last time i couldn’t get up again! Tsk! Got rid of Red-eye.

39Foo3x3Last one, I mirrored it horozntally and added a spotlight onto Fooey’s head and face.

Not happy with this one though. In’t he great?

Bless him. So much character for very senior cat.

Cuppa and took me medications.

Updated this diary then got into doing some Facebooking at last, despite it being a little late.

Got the headphones onto the TV and sat down to watch two episodes of ‘New Tricks’ Fell asleep…