Woodthorpe Alcatraz Pensioner: Now up for Adoption!


Would you like to help this 72-year-old young Inmate to find a life again?

Alk05After several failed escape bids, and his refusal to love his new windows, that block the light and view; something had to be done.

The management has no other option to put Inchcock up for adoption.

Although getting on a bit in years, he has no problem in manoeuvering to and from the cell blocks daily. His stratagem, as with many of the Alk07detainees, is just to ignore the lorries, tractors, etc. and plod on.

He sometimes goes out during his exercise period, to the wood behind his block.

Should you not get along with Inchcock after taking him in, don’t worry. He is suicidal, and few well-chosen words of reprimand, reproach or if desperate, an unwarranted tongue-lashing for something he didn’t do, will suffice.

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Alk06So, you can see, if you decided to adopt Inchcock, you would not be getting a totally inept or immobile adoptee, indeed. He is capable of cleaning shoes for you (although this must not include his bending down, as he can’t get back up again).

The Nottingham City Council have made arrangements for his funeral, if he snuffs it before the upgrading is done, anyway.

Alk04No matter what the weather, he gets out to his Doctors, chemist, clinic, and hospital almost daily. This would, of course, mean less hassle with having to listen to his stories of the 50’s and how much simpler life was then, and the musical talents of Frankie Vaughan and Billy Fury. Another bonus for any adoptee!

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Alk03No need for you to worry in the event of any fire alarms either.

Inchcock knows many of the Fire Service personnel himself.

And he has watched them as they attend the average twice weekly false fire alarms to Woodthorpe Block. And I can say that none of these emanated from his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles infested cell.

So, another possible worry about adopting Inchcock is deleted.

He has grown to like his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles.

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If he is adopted on his release, this will mean so much to him, knowing he no longer has to kill the creatures every day, to avoid being bitten.

It was mentioned at the last Block Wardens meeting, about the amount of what he calls Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas he suffers. This is nothing to worry about, we don’t, just ignore him, and he’ll go away back to his crossword book, no problem.

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If Inchcocks becomes defiant and will not do as he is told, here is the advice of the Oberführer and Gruppenführer of the Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union and Training Brigade. Just ignore him, unless there is some valid point to his moaning, then pretend to listen intently, then ignore him. It works a treat!

In the rare event that he persists, offer him a scowl, and threaten him with eviction and being moved to a prison cell in a rough area of Nottingham. That always quietens Inchcock down, for us.

Alk08kYou will have no problem with his often almost daily visits to the doctor for his blood tests and fungal lesion treatment.

As long as you live no more than two miles from Carrington, in Nottingham.

He enjoys the hobbling to and fro, and seems to get some satisfaction from the telling-offs and reprimands when he arrives at his surgery. He is also in Alk08jlove with one of the nurses.

No need fret over his medicationalisationing needs at all.

He can take his medications, albeit that he gets them wrong at times, this is nothing for any prospective adoptor to worry about, though.

In the event of his snuffing it while in your care, call for a quick removal of the body. Inform Nottingham Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union on 0115 955 0029, and he has a nose ring he keeps with him, at all times. It is the only thing he has left of any value, but it could fetch up to £1.50, so worth searching for.

Alk09Prisoner 72, is well known for his willingness to help at the outings and trips away.

The Social side of things can be a bit daunting for Inchcock.

His social skills are somewhat limited, but he does try his best, although without much success. But credit to him for trying.

Alk13bHe can be used for doing the washing for any adoptee and their family. He is well versed in the operation of older washing machines and is a bit of a wizard with the iron.

One handicap with his doing the laundry is his persistent habit of finding odd socks. This does not matter to him, or that he is that short-sighted he usual wears odd ones anyway without realising it. 

Alk12His being deafish could well help and having a bad memory can come in handy for any adoptor. He’ll believe it when you tell him you told him yesterday! Hehe!

Well-versed in electrical work and planning.

He is the envy of many other prisoners, at how he keeps his cell arranged.

1Mon04His window cleaning skills are a bit different from most inmates.

But they usually get a laugh.

Naturally, they are part of his many flunked escape plans.

So, if you can help us with this overweight, deaf, short, bald, Duodenal Ulcer, Anne Gyna, Reflux Valve, Harold Haemorrhoid, Hippy Hilda, Hernia Harry, Dizzies Dennis and Shaking Steven ailment suffering old Inchcock, and take him away, please get in touch.

Thank You


Inchcock Today – Saturday 1st September 2018: Mega-Cock-up with my Excel Dictionary… I lost it! Sob!


Saturday 1st September 2018

Maori: Rāhoroi 1 Mahuru 2018

WhoosieCause 0305hrs: My post-prandial awakening was not recorded as I usually like to tell folks of, you know the different moods, ailments, etc. from one A.M. to the next. But, because of the urgent and instant need for the Porcelain Throne facilities had grasped all of my attention!

6Sat05No toe-stubbing or knocking anything over en route to the Throne. Good!

Most lamentably, but not fully woefully. The evacuation was again a start, get half-way, Stop – and I got nearly a full chapter of the book read before any movement began again. And they were long chapters in this book! Hehe!

6Sat03Harold’s Haemorrhoids did no bleeding. Good!

A few of the Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles were scattered around the wet room floor, but I only managed to catch one of them. (Slow? Me? – yes!)

WhoosieCause I thought I’d squashed the beast well, and threw him or her in the sink. Sprayed with disinfectant and turned on the hot water tap. It made no difference, the little thing scampered and disappeared down the plug hole well before any water hit it.

6Sat04 I went into the spare room to weigh myself for the daily Health Checks I was going to carry out.

WhoosieCause Oy-yoy-yoy! Hundreds of the damned Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles! I got last bit of the masking tape and began to ‘stick them up’ as if to put it. Again, far more of them escaped that I caught. Most of them abscondicated through the tiny cracks left when the unwanted light and view-blocking new window frame was fitted.

I’m surprised that no NCH people have taken up my case with them. Still, with any luck when the electricians get around to destroying the flat when they fit the water sprinklers, this might scare the weevils off? No doubt a quidquid erit, omnis fortuna ferenda est, of course. I wonder if the cold weather will help when it arrives?

I got the computer on to do the Health Results. Went to add a word I’d created to my Excel Word Dictionary on Word…

I lost all of my dictionaries from the hard drive!


My skin turned eau-de-nil, I felt so sad and yet angry with myself at the same time. It must have been something I did wrong that caused this catastrophe! I lost hours and hours hunting around my computer, searching and consulting help pages in a vain effort to find out what had gone wrong. I had a wee-wee, made another brew to replace the one that had gone cold, and got on with the Health Checks.

My mood was now one of grief, deeply-miserable, frustrated and downhearted… and really miffed and full of self-loathing, fuming at myself for the mistake I must have stupidly committed, whatever it was, that cost me my word calendars. Tsk! And extremely concerned that I might make the same error again, at a later time.

Nothing upsets the stupid more than arguments they can’t understand! Someone said that, but I can’t remember who it was. But they were spot-on!

With little enthusiasm, I went to make another brew of tea for the same reason as the last one, it had gone cold also. And finally get the Health Checks completed.


Then finalised yesterday’s diary and get it sent off to WordPress.

6Sat07Did some TFZer Facebooking.

I cut up some of the Portabello mushrooms and got them in the saucepan with the last of the fresh garden peas.

I had to use the large saucepan, but that is one that I dropped and broke the lid on. So I cunningly used a foil tray in place of the cover.

And spent ages having to go back to it and wipe up the condensation. Tsk!

WhoosieCause It’s easier than folks think to cut your finger chopping up mushrooms


So late, I’d lost the day to sorting, or rather, failing to sort out the MS Excel disaster I’d somehow created.

Back to Facebooking for a while. Then got the Health Checks done.

6Sat23I boiled the garden peas and quartered the mushrooms. Simmering them with a splash of Balsamic vinegar and greatly overcooking them.

The Chinese Mini Ribs went into the oven with the crock-pot cooked, mini potatoes and were sprayed with butter flavoured oil.

The chip sticks, I added when I realised how little the plate had on it.

6Sat18aWhoosieCause I must mention the Farmfood Shop bought mini ribs. The pack said there was 400g of contents. I’m sure that 95% was bone!

But that 5% of meat, was oh, so tasty!

And it had the added amusement of my trying to eat it without my now gone front tooth! Hard work! Hehe!

So little was the meal, I nibbled a packet of cheese curls and then the last of the lemon Ice-cream afterwards. Guilt? Me?… Yes!

6Sat24Went to get the washing-up done.

WhoosieCause Some Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles were in the basin in the sink. How do these tiny beasts get into these places?

I think, after looking at the photograph, there might have been either a fight going on or a romantic liaison, twixt the weevils?

I got settled down in the recliner. Chose some TV programmes to watch. Took the evening medications with some orange juice and set about viewing a New Zealand Police episode, with the intention of watching a film that followed.

It was not to be.

I nodded off into the land of Nod, as soon as the first set of advertisements that came on.

TTFN each.