As part of the Inchcock Parties ‘No Secrets Ruling’, as discussed and passed in the Leg of Mutton Arms snug last Wednesday night – we hereby present the portfolios, views and complete range of investments held by each of the Parties Top Shadow Ministers.
We approached each prospective member and asked them to supply details of their investments and holdings openly – so that voters in the 2015 May elections can understand the worthiness and honesty of each of our prospective MPs.
Shadow Prime Minister: Clivey-boy Danton
Apart from being a part shareholder in a casino or two, West Ham bookies, owning a few second hand car showrooms, Watchit Solicitors, an interest in Gregowskis & Farage Romanian Wine and Tobacco Importers, Documentational Reproductions Inc, an investment in me brothers Walthamstow Dog Track, West Ham Sports Supplies, Lighter Watches and Mobile phone supplies and shares in various breweries I have little in the way of financial investments. I lead a quiet life and attend the Chapel when I am not doing charity work for the Kray brothers inspired Danny Soz Young Ladies Appreciation Society yer know. The wife Jilly supports me on most of my political activities. Convincing her that a few jars down the Abbey Arms to encourage the locals to vote for me is part of those duties is hard – but she does welcome me back home after a hard nights campaigning and helps clear me head stomach and mind in readiness for the next days challenges. There’s no doubt about it, I am a Red Tory with affiliations to the I Hate Blair movement and National Socialism in it’s milder form. So there you have it in a nutshell – that reminds me I’ll have get me creams rubbed in – see you later… “Jill…. Jill…”
Shadow Minster of Transport: Mike Steedenski
Before I became a complete and utter alcoholic and had to turn to politics as a career, I used to be a Police Officer. Fair enough, some of the jobs I had to do didn’t turn out right I admit this – especially me traffic controlling skills. So I moved on to become a part-time PA and Brewery Bottled Ales tester. I lost that Ale Testers job when they found me sober twice in six months. So when I was blackmailing Inchcock threatening to reveal all about his unnatural desires for Shemales and his drinking addiction to Dandylion & Burdock in an effort to get some cash together, we came up with the idea of starting a new political party see? So here we are like. As for investments, back-handers and profit from hustling… I’ll ask the missusShirl (Councillor Shirley Blamey, Shadow Minister of Education) to type out a list fer you later when she gets back from her sponsored fact finding trip to the Bahamas to compare their figures with those of the UK on the European Spadefoot Toad mating habits within the confines of urban areas between 0500hr and 1000hrs on weekdays when it isn’t raining. She should be back in six months or so. Mind you I’d hate anyone to think that the donation I received to my campaign funds from Inchcock himself was in any way bribery or backhanding – and I’d like to thank him now for the 25p.
Shadow HM Treasurer: Marissa Bergen
I think I could be of benefit to the UK as Treasury minister – and at the same time give the Europe lot a poke in the eye by having an American minister in the Government? Being a Politician, Banker, Rock-n-Roll Supermom, Musician and very good with numbers as well, I believe an Inchcock Government would be good for the country. My investments are mostly in the banking world – I moved out of the oil share thing when I learnt of all the fracking going on – there might be a song in there somewhere… “Whole lot of Frackin’ goin’ on!”? No? Ah well. My total investments are probably less than $18m. The return of the Punk era music would help the economy no end.
Shadow Minster of Justice: Big Gaz
The police force will be reduced to tackling traffic, junior school riots, dangerous mobility scooter drivers and pavement cyclists member. My own squad would take over the rest of their duties. Sentences would be given that mean what the say. VAT on knuckle dusters, Lugers and Champagne Perry will be removed. The death penalty will be returned and anyone being nasty to dogs will get it! My investments? Well antique stuff will also get the VAT removed and my Government department will check every item to see if it genuine – this may cause a bit of a backlog in trading, but we are prepared to purchase any viable company who are struggling. I have no investment personally youth… believe me mush!
Home Office Shadow Minster: Churchy
All suspicious moneys, diamonds, jewellery, bank drafts, drugs, investments, films and books of a sexual nature etc will be examined by my department before being allowed into or out of the country. member. Any female immigrants aged 18 to 24 will also be given a medical and permission for them to remain in the country will be decided on the outcome of their medical at my office in Whitehall. As for my investments, I’m broke, flat broke, gone into financial liquidation, not a penny to spare, had to take a job on as part-time postman… Hehehe!
Culture Media & Sports shadow Minister: Shirley Blamey
Interviewed in the Bahamas by Big Gaz
I intend to get hands on when I get this positions. It is essential that all male athletes competing in sports have a thorough working over… well check that their various bodily parts are in full working order before being allowed to compete – and shall be out in the field to ensure this is so. The older male competitors will be allowed to compete without checks being carried out. There will be random checks by myself six days a week, of selected personages such as those in this photograph as an example. Once I’m satisfied of there capabilities and the fitness of their foibles they can play away. Now then, my investments you ask about my financial investments? Huh!
Mental Health Minister: Inchcock (interviewed via email)
The fisicul and metal elth of our citisens is paramount to me. An I noe abart these fings mate.
Cause the drugs like make yer lose it like dont they.
Yer… what about it like mate? We know what we’re doing! Now push off… turd!
Taxes and the economy:
Spokesperson: Marissa Bergen:
I will remove the VAT on guitars and drums, this is essential for musicians and budding musicians and of great concern to me that the high costs may well stunt the musical aspirations of the delinquents in the UK, thus forcing them to take-up unworthwhile careers in banking, the global economy or study history at Nottingham University rather than try to win but failing to of the European Song Contest for the country.
The NHS:
Spokesperson: Inchcock
“We will ensure that all peoples of 69 years of age and over, with a replacement heart, and suffering from angina, arthritis, sticking reflux valve, deafness, haemorrhoids, duodenal ulcer, baldness, deafness, bad eyesight, dizzy spells, hernia and loss of short term memory will be treated 24/24 by jaguaresque nubile nurse day and night nurses and receive free beer tokens, a daily lavender massage and will get free membership of the ‘Support for Ex-Gas Lamp Wick Trimmers Association’. The finances for these new services will be raised by the NHS refusing to treat teetotallers, pavement cyclists, Olly Murs fans and Demented Liberal Democrat supporters.
Security Defence & Foreign Affairs:
Spokesperson: Mike Steeden
We will save this Nation an absolute fortune with our innovative ideas for the transformation on the UK’s land forces. And, the Boy Scouts, Boys Brigade and Liverpool ball-boys we replace the soldiers with can rest assured that they will not be on a Zero hour contract! We will legalise weed and Outer Peruvian Gin for them as well.
Jobs:
Spokesperson: Rachel Carrera
It is essential that we have no person unemployed whatsoever when we apply our manifesto for Jobs. There will be a new chain of education centres built throughout the land to be known as the Carrera Colleges and anyone not in employment will be forced to attend one of the many various courses in job-related study that ill be made available. The cost of these training coursed will b paid by the government – anyone not getting a job after successfully completing their course will repay the costs themselves. Anyone failing their course will be detained at Her Majesties pleasure awaiting deportation when we can find someone to take them.
Education:
Spokesperson: Alienora
New disciplines will be introduced to help the students into work so they can buy books to read themselves. Erotic tales, Rampant Bedroom Antics and Naughty Nights In will be the first courses.
Housing:
Spokesperson: Shirley Blamey
Builders, repairmen, electricians, plumbers etc will be bound in honour to provide an acceptable service to house holders in the future. Nissan huts will be provided locally for any poor sod moving house. Failure on the half of the said service providers will lead them open for punishment including a fine, their wrist slapped an having their testicles removed with barbed-wire covered pliers and then stripped naked and nailed to the floor for victims of their shoddy work to pee over them and pour bleach and petrol all over their prostrate bodies before being set alight.
Law and Order:
Spokesperson: Gaz Hoadley
The new LOMM police force will replace the current Police Service. This body of officers will require constant contributions of money, sex and encouragement. Their body armour machine guns, pistols and and state of the art lazer weapons will be paid for by the imprisoned ex-MP’s and their families.
All current and new brands of alcoholic beverages on the market must be tested my members of the League of Mental Men before going on the market. Testing of each brand will be done over a period of six weeks in support of a fair deliberation being made by each member.
My Lords and Members of the House of Commons and Nottingham Big Issue Sellers, Shoplifters, Muggers, Burglars, Benefit Cheats, Alcoholics, Nottingham City Council Members, and Anti-Social Trainee Criminals.
I wish you all a very happy Christmas.
I feel sure the Government I didn’t vote for will strengthen the economy and provide stability and security, and ministers will continue to reduce the country’s deficit, helping to ensure that mortgage and interest rates remain low.
This past year has been one of great celebration for many of my enemies.
May they receive their just rewards when they pass onto the Fiddling Liars Parliament in the great Sky.
I’m sure the politician’s God does appreciate the good works and their conscientious contributions on his behalf over the year of 2014.
I’d like to thank especially the Nottingham City Homes people for refusing to permit me a sheltered housing dwelling when I was mugged for the second time this year.And may you rot painfully slowly and publicly in hot stale urine and strong bleach.
To the spoilt apprentice muggers who have hounded and threatened me earlier this year I wish all the best in health, luck and death.
And the best of ill-fate for the three mobility scooter drivers who have ran into me this year.
The one who produced the two finger salute to me as he shot off after running into the back of me outside Victoria Centre a special card.
The Snotty one who also came at me from behind on Mansfield Road, and the woman who didn’t even know she’d knocked me over in Derby near the bus-station.
I hope this will be a horrible Christmas for you all.
To the wonderful deaf and arrogant Indian and French speaking people at BT Internet, I have to admire how close you have come to being as reliable and trustworthy as Britain’s politicians. Well done you temerate nerds!
To the Asda Customer Service counter assistants. I hope you get your hearing back soon.
To the staff at the G.U.M. clinic, a big thank you for taking only 16 weeks to clear up the bleeding lesion on my ‘Little Inch’.
To the staff at the Cooperative Bank… I’m sorry, but I offer you a heartfelt thank you and I appreciate all your help.
And for the folk who never get off their mobiles and speak at the same decibels as a formula one car taking a corner at speed – shaddup!
To my GP, Dr Vindla my appreciation of your skills in keeping my body going for yet another year.
I realise that my mind is beyond help and that the short term memory refuses to work at times, a bit like one’s laptop – it freezers regularly.
Many thanks to the many cyclists on the pavement who come belting passed me and scaring me half to death. If you are too scared to cycle on the road, you shouldn’t be on a bike in the first place.Scum-balls!
And for the Nottingham Constabulary, a card I’m sending to the Leicester Constabulary in appreciation of the Leicester Constabulary actually trying to do something about the cyclists riding on the pavements of Leicester as opposed to the Nottingham Constabulary who do nothing about the cyclists of Nottingham riding on the pavements.
Mind you, there has been a 40% reduction in real Police Officers on the beat in Nottingham, I cannot say about Leicester.
One also hopes that the coming year of 2015 and the future hold forth hopes of reinstatement of human kindness, understanding, compassion and community spirit. Huh!
I actually dreamt of writing this post last night – so I wrote down bits I could remember and embellished it a tad. Really odd occurrence, even fer me!
Message for the future
The extemporaneousness with which I formulated these thoughts is plain to see.
And as such I believe they may well be of value in later years to psychiatrists’, Clinical neurophysiologists, Psychologists, Psychoanalysts and maybe even Holistic and alternative medicine doctors. Not to mention the inmates of asylums so they understand the philosophical implications of why mankind ended.
Asylum Inmates
It is not that I am an anti-environmentalist or anything like that like.
It’s just that I do not have a xenodochium to accommodate unnecessary textual extravaganza in my slightly discombobulated brain at this moment.
A certain disinterestedness comes to the fore whenever the subject of environmentalism rears its inconsequential non-germane head.
How can anyone with the slightest of EQ not realise that the future will soon be the present in terms of the end of mankind?
Even the children of the affluent wealthy nepotistic nihilistic Politicians, despite their having laid plans to ensure their own and families survive any apocalypse by cunning planning and manipulation of parapsychologists for guidance and the availability of any resources that they feel they require will not subsist the man-made denouement of our species.
I believe these words of wisdom I write here will become pseudepigraphous to any future breed of mankind, should any develop in the future and ask than anyone who can think of a way to preserve them to guide any new species in the future, in an effort to warn them of how philoprogenitiveness , fraudulent powerful social divisions between those who have and intended to keep and those who never got because of this, self-eliminated mankind, and above all greed.
I’ll take a few moments to analyse the causes and symptomatology of this condition… illness, this state of pending.
Philoprogenitiveness – Rife amongst the proletariat since Adam ate the apple!Philoprogenitiveness – It was all Adam’s fault!
Philoprogenitiveness: Throughout the planet this has been a driving force and substitute for wealth within the under-privileged and pauperised classes of mankind. And this only made things far worse in the long run. But such elements of humankind were not able or willing to accept this due to their feeble-mindedness and injudiciousness, so rife amongst the proletariat and essential for keeping the manipulative crème de la crème, aristocracy, and preponderant gentry in control and power that caused the undemonstrativeness and ineffectuality of the lower-classes within the so called leading edge avant-garde nations, who were so enamoured and fascinated with their TV sets, mobile phones, take-away meals, avoiding work, mugging the elderly, DVDs, benefit fiddling, betting shops, pop music, football matches, drugs and sex that they failed to see how they were being controlled by the politicians and yet they seemed happy as long as their Housing subsidy, and child care allowance was not taken from them? If they could afford a drink and the odd snort they seemed content and didn’t worry about things like food and working. Thus, they really were manipulated and manoeuvred into a belief that they were well off by the clever untrustworthy expense fiddling politicians.
The Ebola disease did not end mankind’s reign on earth.
This was started in the UK by the Big Issue seller’s revolt of 2015, when they went on strike refusing to sell the people any Big Issue magazines. (Not that that changed anything from normal other than it was the Big Issue sellers refusing to sell them as opposed to the public refusing to buy the Big Issue magazines!)
The environmentalist’s were concerned and encouraged the Government to import more Big Issue sellers into the country to replace those on strike.
President Milibandski
This was agreed by President Milibandski.
They brought in so many that Lithuania, Poland and many other countries were so low on population their Nuclear power stations began to decay with the scientists having gone to the UK to sell Big Issues this caused catastrophe after catastrophe and the whole world was covered with nuclear fall-out when they exploded.
As the proletariats died off, the crème de la crème, aristocracy, and preponderant gentry in control made there way to their nuclear fallout shelters – only to find massed Big Issue sellers muggers and shoplifters awaiting them, and they tore the politicians to pieces – their frustration and anger knew no bounds.
Unfortunately they could not gain access to the shelters because they didn’t ask for the door codes before enjoying their massacre of the rich.
Whoops!
The mob made their way to the nuclear arms storage depot at Upper Denture and along with the also doomed soldiers, they raided the storage armoury and detonated the stock-pile of missiles and bombs.
Enough power to split open earth’s crust.
Thus… the end!
You might wonder how I can write this post what with the world being ended – so do I?
Sir Richard Osborne, founder of the Osborne dynasty, was an MP and a high-ranking official in Ireland, and was made a hereditary baronet by King Charles I in 1629, in recognition of his public service. The seventh baronet, Sir John Osborne, great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of today’s Chancellor, was also an MP. So was Sir William, the eighth baronet, and Sir Henry, the 11th baronet. But the real glamour in Osborne’s ancestry is on his mother’s side. His maternal grandmother was the Hungarian-born painter Clarisse Loxton Peacock, who married an Englishman, Grantley Loxton Peacock. There is politics also in his wife Frances’s family. She is the daughter of David Howell, now Lord Howell of Guildford, a minister of Margaret Thatcher’s original Cabinet in 1979.
He was educated at St Paul’s School, London, and at Magdalen College , Oxford , where he read modern history. At Oxford he was a demy (scholar) and joint editor of the University magazine Isis . After a short spell as a freelance journalist, George joined the Conservative Research Department in 1994 and became Head of the Political Section. From 1995-7 he was the Special Adviser at the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and worked in the Political Office at 10 Downing Street. From 1997-2001 George was Political Secretary to the Leader of the Opposition and Secretary to the Shadow Cabinet.
He has never held a proper job in his life.
Osborne married The Hon Frances Victoria Howell (b. 18 February 1969), author and elder daughter of the Conservative politician and Government Minister Lord Howell of Guildford, on 4 April 1998. The couple have two children, Luke Benedict, born at Westminster on 15 June 2001, and Liberty Kate, born at Westminster, London, on 27 June 2003. He has an estimated personal fortune of around £4 million, as the beneficiary of a trust fund that owns a 15 per cent stake in Osborne & Little, the wallpaper-and-fabrics company co-founded by his father, Sir Peter Osborne.
Chancellor makes £450,000 profit selling his taxpayer-funded second home
Included the mortgage for a paddock on his taxpayer-funded expenses, Land Registry documents disclose.
The chancellor and his wife Frances bought a Cheshire farmhouse and the neighbouring land in his constituency for £455,000 in 2000, before he became an MP.
Between 2003 and 2009, he claimed up to £100,000 in expenses to cover mortgage interest payments on both the land and the property at Harrop Fold farm near Macclesfield.
The chancellor’s farmhouse featured in the MPs’ expenses scandal of 2009. It emerged that he had “flipped” his second home allowance on to the property and increased the mortgage. Throughout the lengthy parliamentary inquiry into Osborne’s expense claims that followed, there was no mention of the separate land.
But it has emerged that the expenses payments were not only for a house but also for the neighbouring paddock, which is registered separately with the Land Registry.
HMRC boss admits to more data losses Author: Andrew Porter
Summary: HMRC has admitted there have been seven other significant data losses in recent years. … Last night shadow Chancellor George Osborne said: “These admissions blow a hole in Alistair Darling’s defence. As the acting head of HMRC admits, far from being a mistake by a single junior official, the data security breaches at HMRC are the result of serious systemic failures.” “The public will now expect the Chancellor to come clean and explain exactly when and how these previous losses of personal information took place. Alistair Darling’s credibility is hanging by a thread. He is running out of time to reassure the British public that he’s capable of getting a grip.”
Chancellor George Osborne blew nearly £1,000 of taxpayers’ cash on a trip to Germany that let him watch his team win the Champions League.
The multi-millionaire Chelsea fan held brief talks on the eurozone crisis with his German counterpart Wolfgang Schaeuble, which meant the jaunt was classed as an official visit.
But he later grinned and clapped wildly as Chelsea won 4-3 against Bayern Munich after a penalty shoot-out.
According to figures slipped out on the Treasury website, the trip cost taxpayers £949.
But the total bill will have been higher because officials travelled with him to attend the formal talks.
The revelation comes just weeks after the wallpaper heir, who has a £4million trust fund, claimed “we are all in this together” as the Tory axeman hammered millions of hard-up families in his recent mini-budget.Chancellor George Osborne blew nearly £1,000 of taxpayers’ cash on a trip to Germany that let him watch his team win the Champions League.
The multi-millionaire Chelsea fan held brief talks on the eurozone crisis with his German counterpart Wolfgang Schaeuble, which meant the jaunt was classed as an official visit.
But he later grinned and clapped wildly as Chelsea won 4-3 against Bayern Munich after a penalty shoot-out.
According to figures slipped out on the Treasury website, the trip cost taxpayers £949.
But the total bill will have been higher because officials travelled with him to attend the formal talks.
George Osborne accused of breaking his promise not to fiddle figures
George Osborne has been accused of wasting public money by “massaging” spending plans to avoid the embarrassment of a rising deficit.
The Institute for Fiscal Studies, an independent think tank, suggested that the Chancellor had engaged in the same sort of economic manipulation he criticised Gordon Brown for.
Budget figures showed the Government borrowed £121 billion last year. This year borrowing will be £120.9 billion.
Ministers have admitted that the tiny fall was only possible because of emergency cuts in departmental budgets this year, and delaying payments to bodies like the European Union and World Bank.
The Treasury has described that process as sensible use of public money, saying it would prevent wasteful spending at the end of the financial year.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander claims Mr Osborne has a family-sized fridge at work full of snacks, treats and milk – but doesn’t share
But he said the multi-millionaire Tory refuses to share the contents with loyal staff.
George Osborne attends as the Dallas Cowboys play the Jacksonville Jaguars in an NFL match at Wembley Stadium Snack Time: George Osborne reportedly padlocked the treasury fridge so he didn’t have to share However, tonight Mr Osborne’s aides hit back – saying the fridge is communal and his comments show how rarely Mr Alexander makes a tea round.
Speaking to Westminster journalists about working with Mr Osborne, Lib Dem axe-man Mr Alexander said first: “We do share things – but not the milk.
“To my amusement, he still keeps it under lock and key. His fridge in the Treasury kitchen is replete with a padlock.”
George Osborne was embarrassed by a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD today when he failed to answer a basic maths question.
The Chancellor was being interviewed by a panel of children on Sky News about the economy.
But he was left flummoxed when seven-year-old Sam Raddings asked him what seven times eight is.
Flustered, Mr Osborne eventually replied: “I’ve made it a rule in life not to answer a whole load of maths questions.”
Many were quick to ridicule the Chancellor for dodging the question.
“It’s a little worrying that the Chancellor George Osborne doesn’t seem to know simple maths,” wrote one.
It isn’t the first time Osborne has been lampooned on social media recently.
He also found himself at the figure of fun after trying to take credit for the next Star Wars movie being filmed in UK.
Earlier, Mr Osborne admitted he wishes he had done more to help Britain’s economy when the coalition first came to power.
George Osborne parks in disabled bay: Tory Chancellor causes outrage by ignoring restrictions
He’s snatched millions of pounds in benefits from those in most need – and it seems that George Osborne could not care less about anyone else.
Tonight he was branded selfish and arrogant after allowing his chauffeur to park his £50,000 Land Rover in a space reserved for the disabled.
There were plenty of other places available just a few yards away as the Tory Chancellor was dropped off for a burger at an M4 service station.
But Mr Osborne was obviously far too important to waste valuable seconds – and the bright-yellow markings on the restricted bay were brazenly ignored.
Richard Hawkes, chief executive of the disability charity Scope claimed the incident “shows how wildly out of touch the Chancellor is with disabled people in the UK”.
He said: “They will see this as rubbing salt in their wounds.
“Many are already struggling to make ends meet, yet the Chancellor’s response has been to cut vital financial support and squeeze local care budgets.”
Ten things you might not know about Osborne
There are a few things you may not know about the man with his hands on the nation’s purse-strings.
He was originally called “Gideon Oliver Osborne” (nicknamed “Giddy” by schoolmates), before changing his first name to George by deed poll at the age of 13.
While working for John Major, Osborne was “perky” in his delight about Tony Blair’s election as Prime Minister – dubbing him “The Master”. Meanwhile, when Iain Duncan Smith was leader of the Tory party, Osborne used to refer to Blair as “our real leader”.
Before the 2010 election, Osborne used to be “dismissive” of LibDem leader Nick Clegg – partly as Clegg refused a dinner invitation from him and David Cameron. He also thought Clegg was “politically clueless”, but would later “have to revise this view during the general election campaign”.
He loathed Gordon Brown. In his office, he would refer to Brown as a “bast**d” and delighted in impersonating him as a lurching monster. Brown’s impact on Osborne left him behaving like an “abused puppy” according to an adviser, who was “mentally trapped” by a man he professed to hate.
Osborne was “far from distraught” when David Willetts, as Tory education spokesman, was embroiled in a controversial debate over grammar schools. After Willetts’ demotion, Osborne was said to have laughed that “he’ll never have my job then!”
Despite ruling it out at Tory conference last week, Osborne agreed with Nick Clegg last year to bring in a mansion tax in exchange for slashing the 50p tax rate for top earners. However, it was vetoed by David Cameron.
Osborne “fell into” the Conservative Party, with his biographer remarking that “had he been born a decade later and grown up in the mid-1990s, he might be a Blairite Labour MP striving to catch Ed Miliband’s eye for a frontbench promotion”.
He was a “fervent fan” of Madonna.
George Osborne once challenged a fellow student at Oxford to a wasabi eating contest and won, but he was left “doubled over in agony”.
That our chancellor played a naughty “pass the ice cube” game with Spice Girl Geri Halliwell in 2009 while at a wedding.
It’d seem there is more to Giddy than meets the eye…
“Pasty tax” was a popular phrase used by the British press to describe a proposal made by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Conservative MP George Osborne, in the 2012 United Kingdom budget to simplify the tax treatment of “hot takeaway food” so that Value Added Tax (VAT) would be charged at 20% in all cases. The change would have increased the sale price of hot snacks such as sausage rolls and Cornish pasties sold on the premises where they were baked.
The issue became a political controversy, described by at least one newspaper as a political scandal, dubbed Pastygate in March 2012.
The outcome: After the public opposition, Osborne significantly altered the plans in late May, which was characterised as a “U-turn”.
Personally I love this entry on: Uncyclopedia
Gideon “Slash’n’Burn” Osborne (born 23 May 1971), better known as Boy George, Bum Nose or Georgie Porgie, is a British aristocrat, Conservative Party politician, ponce, forthcoming baronet, prospective inheritor a vast fortune and, as of May 2010, Chief Lord Chancer of the Exchequer. He is all of these things and more; but more than anything, however, he is a Monumentally Colossal Twat. Indeed, being a twat has proved his lifelong vocation – an occupation which he self-avowedly places above all others in terms of the time, care and devotion he applies to it. He has spoke of his vast fortune in being able to combine his occupation as full-time twat with that of Chancellor to an incredible degree.
On a personal level, Osborne is a self-obsessed, smarmy, stuck-up, arse-faced country gentleman whose sickening, unappealing demeanour encapsulated in his voice, appearance, personality – and indeed his entire life story – is completely uninspiring to the vast majority in British society. Call him ignorant if you want, but he won’t be listening; call him an arse if you like, but for him the arse is just that bit at the bottom of your body that you spend most of your life sitting on, and which other people wipe for you. Dark clouds gather around his person, causing dismay to all who surround him – until he pays them to go and hover over a poorer person.
It has been noted by many that his nose bears an uncanny resemblance to a posterior, which is interesting because he is also noted for talking out of his arse and he does have something of a nasal twang, sometimes referred to as a posh speech impediment.
Osborne at Eton and Oxford
The boy, George, was sent away to Eton College when he was small. When he was bigger he left. Well actually, he didn’t go to Eton at all, but everyone thinks he did because it’s just such a bloody juicy story. He rose to the top of the all-male, white, upper class culture of this grand public school until a pauper actually had to build an extension so he could rise even higher. Osborne imposed his dominant personality on the school. He did gain a respectable 9 A*-C GCSE grades, but he only managed an F in Economics – a fact which the country now feels the bane of.
His school report noted that he did not pass with many flying colours, but rather, only one flying colour – and needless to say, it was white and always flew first class. Nevertheless, his father secured an excellent place at Oxford for his dear boy, mostly through intense fellatio, in a course other than economics. Before sending him to his top university, his father had told George to get high grades, though he also warned him not to trip over the balls at the Croquet game. Certainly some words in that sentence proved more influential than the general premise of the sentence itself.
George’s first course choice upon arrival at Oxford, was the legendary Politics, Philosophy & Economics (more commonly known as PPE). PPE, is a course designed to allow anybody and his dog to gain a first (similarly President of the Oxford Union) and present themselves as clever bugger, when fact getting a first in PPE is akin to getting clap. However George mistook the common element of PPE, as meaning or referring to common people. Exclaiming that he don’t do common and signed up instead to do modern history. George struggled at his chosen degree, until he realised that essays could be purchased from the web, thus blowing his entire trust fund in one term, as he struggled to understand that Modern, as in modern history did not refer to the Victorian period.
At Oxford University he was a member of the Bullingdon Club with ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, where they engaged in drunken debauchery, criminal vandalism, up-it-to-the-oiks-snobbery, capers and sodomy (Osborne being the ‘bottom’). These initial rumours were confirmed the week before the 2010 UK general election when footage of Osborne exhibiting considerable gastrointestinal capacity surfaced online. The two-hour-long viral video, entitled ‘Of Os-Borne’, which circulated through sneezing and nurses not washing their hands, was credited with swinging the polls 946mV in the Conservative party’s favour. It is perhaps testament to the sheer failure and ineptitude of the shitty conservative campaign that even despite all this, they failed to win the bloody election…
Inchcock: there is much much more at this link, satire par de excellence!
Osborne gave me my biggest none-satirical political laugh in years!
The Olympic Stadium has been filled with the cheers and applause of 80,000 people.
But for a few moments last night boos rang out from the arena in East London.
The boos were for government minister George Osborne, who was there to present a gold medal to Tunisia’s T38 400m champion Mohamed Farhat Chida.
He seemed to handle the occasion OK though, laughing when his face was shown on the big screen.
The prime minister, David Cameron, was made to feel more welcome when presenting swimming star Ellie Simmonds with her second swimming gold medal of the Games.
While there was some booing, the cheers from the crowd were reported to have drowned them out.
A few interesting facts about the corrupt IMF bosses!
IMF chief Christine Lagarde, one of the world’s most powerful women, announced Wednesday she had been charged with “negligence” over a multi-million-euro graft case relating to her time as French finance minister. The announcement came a day after she was grilled for more than 15 hours by a special court in Paris that probes ministerial misconduct, the fourth time she has been questioned in a case that has long weighed upon her position as managing director of the International Monetary Fund. Lagarde takes home £298,675-a-year untaxed, receives further tax-free allowance package of £52,000 plus expenses’ that are never revealed to the public.
Spain`s ruling Popular Party said Monday it had expelled ex-IMF head Rodrigo Rato and all other party members under investigation for allegedly misusing credit cards for personal spending while working at a bailed-out finance group. Mr. Rato had his salary cut from €2.3 million to €600,000 annually in 2011 due to new laws for rescued banks, his expenses were not declared.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, 62, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), had been arrested for sexual assault and attempted rape in New York City, his wife Anne Sinclair wasted no time in declaring her unquestioned belief in his innocence. The heiress to an art-gallery fortune, Sinclair, also 62, is a celebrity in her own right, having been an award-winning radio and television journalist in France. She has stood by him in the recent past. In 2008, Strauss-Kahn was reprimanded by the IMF after his relationship with the Hungarian economist (and his subordinate at the institution) Piroska Nagy became a public scandal. Sinclair is Strauss-Kahn’s third wife. According to his contract, Strauss-Kahn’s salary in 2010 was $441,980.00. That’s more than President Barack Obama makes, and Strauss-Kahn pays no taxes on his income. In addition, Strauss-Kahn receives a yearly allowance of $79,120.00 in monthly instalments which, the contract says, comes “… without any certification or justification by you, to enable you to maintain, in the interests of the Fund, a scale of living appropriate to your position as Managing Director.”
Alex Segura was given almost $200,000 (£122,000) at the end of his three-year posting – money which the IMF says was paid back as quickly as it could be. Prime Minister Souleymane Ndene Ndiaye said it was a goodbye present – part of an African tradition. Opposition activists have condemned what they regard as a corrupt payment. The fund said in a statement Mr Segura was given the present after a dinner with President Abdoulaye Wade, but did not realise the gift was money until he was about to leave the country for Barcelona. “With Mr Segura worried about missing his flight, and concerned that there was no place to leave the money safely in Senegal, he decided to take the money aboard the plane,” Reuters quoted the IMF as lying… er… saying.
International Bankers seek financing from within the UK
IMF, The Guild of International Bankers, and the Offshore Investments Fund representatives have arrived secretly in the UK, to discuss their getting possible loans, in a bid to stave off further World financial crises.
It seems that the executives of those organisations have noticed that no matter how bad things get in the UK, our MPs never seem to suffer financially like the proletariat do, and individually amass more wealth than some small countries.
This, they find amazing, and how the impecunious riff-raff of the Nation do not rise up in revolt amazes them.
We understand they will be holding a 10 minute visit with David Cameron and Nicolas Clegg at number ten.
They will then be moving on to ‘personal contact’ who used to be in charge of Government Ministers Personal Offshore Investments , to see if they can arrange for him to loan them sufficient funds of £49Billion to tide them over. They liked the way he used his wife Ffion (Paid Barclay’s Bank Advisor) to save their favourite bank.
William Hague has requested that we do not name him as their previous ‘personal contact’.