Inchcock’s Christmas Speech to the Nation

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons and Nottingham Big Issue Sellers, Shoplifters, Muggers, Burglars, Benefit Cheats, Alcoholics, Nottingham City Council Members, and Anti-Social Trainee Criminals.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas.

I feel sure the Government I didn’t vote for will strengthen the economy and provide stability and security, and ministers will continue to reduce the country’s deficit, helping to ensure that mortgage and interest rates remain low.

Q02This past year has been one of great celebration for many of my enemies.

May they receive their just rewards when they pass onto the Fiddling Liars Parliament in the great Sky.

I’m sure the politician’s God does appreciate the good works and their conscientious contributions on his behalf over the year of 2014.


I’d like to thank especially the Nottingham City Homes people for refusing to permit me a sheltered housing dwelling when I was mugged for the second time this year. And may you rot painfully slowly and publicly in hot stale urine and strong bleach.

To the spoilt apprentice muggers who have hounded and threatened me earlier this year I wish all the best in health, luck and death.

Q01And the best of ill-fate for the three mobility scooter drivers who have ran into me this year.

The one who produced the two finger salute to me as he shot off after running into the back of me outside Victoria Centre a special card.

The Snotty one who also came at me from behind on Mansfield Road, and the woman who didn’t even know she’d knocked me over in Derby near the bus-station.

I hope this will be a horrible Christmas for you all.

To the wonderful deaf and arrogant Indian and French speaking people at BT Internet, I have to admire how close you have come to being as reliable and trustworthy as Britain’s politicians. Well done you temerate nerds!

Q03To the Asda Customer Service counter assistants. I hope you get your hearing back soon.

To the staff at the G.U.M. clinic, a big thank you for taking only 16 weeks to clear up the bleeding lesion on my ‘Little Inch’.

To the staff at the Cooperative Bank… I’m sorry, but I offer you a heartfelt thank you and I appreciate all your help.

And for the folk who never get off their mobiles and speak at the same decibels as a formula one car taking a corner GC Jamas01at speed – shaddup!

To my GP, Dr Vindla my appreciation of your skills in keeping my body going for yet another year.

I realise that my mind is beyond help and that the short term memory refuses to work at times, a bit like one’s laptop – it freezers regularly.

Many thanks to the many cyclists on the pavement who come belting passed me and scaring me half to death. If you are too scared to cycle on the road, you shouldn’t be on a bike in the first place. Scum-balls!

Q03And for the Nottingham Constabulary, a card I’m sending to the Leicester Constabulary in appreciation of the Leicester Constabulary actually trying to do something about the cyclists riding on the pavements of Leicester as opposed to the Nottingham Constabulary who do nothing about the cyclists of Nottingham riding on the pavements.

Mind you, there has been a 40% reduction in real Police Officers on the beat in Nottingham, I cannot say about Leicester.

One also hopes that the coming year of 2015 and the future hold forth hopes of reinstatement of human kindness, understanding, compassion and community spirit. Huh!

10 thoughts on “Inchcock’s Christmas Speech to the Nation

  1. I hear you on governments we didn’t vote for. You actually got mugged by thugs who don’t work for the government? What’s Nottingham come to? When I ride a bike, I take my chances with the cars — cars are a bit more predictable than pedestrians around here. Fortunately, I never go to malls, stores or other public places infested with mobility scooters — they sound awfully dangerous. Happy Christmas and much merriment for 2015.

    • Cheers Sir, and a happy contented and sprightly Christmas to you… and a great New Year.
      The yobs who did me last time were of course being paid by the Government – in dole money and benefits. Hehe!
      The mobility scooter drivers here do not have to take a driving test or insure themselves before they start terrorising less nimble folk like myself. ‘and they use their mobile phones while driving, Tsk… moan over.
      Take care.

  2. Bloody brilliant: Funny, scathing, absolutely spot-on and full of wonderful ‘greetings’ in red! That’ll tell the bastards, tossers and others in need of Retrospective Abortion! x

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