Agony Aunt for the ‘Lesser Endowed Gentlemen’s Weekly Gazette’
Dear Gertrude,
The constant voices in my head are forever chattering away, it’s driving me decidedly crazy.
I even questioned my own brilliance, cunning and competency last week. A rare lapse in my usual superlatively confident personality.
I prefer not to mention this to my Harley Street Doctor, as I hold a rather important position. Perhaps I am concerned because I got the job through skulduggery illegal and unethical means?
Luckily my only genuine competitor for the job, is unfit and far too lacking in spirit, ideas and gusto.
Perhaps I have lost a little edge though lack of genuine competition?
Although UKIP seem to be doing well and starting to cause me a slight cause for concern.
But my overseas investment and offshore accounts have increased exponentially due to the backhanders from my lodge member friends who I am slowly and stealthily selling off the NHS to. No problems there.
I would prefer it of you did not mention or reveal the contents of this letter.
If you can help me with my problem Gertrude, I can assure you of a liaison of a physical nature with any of the members of my cabinet, a handsome cash reward via their expense claims, and a new caravan in Chelsea.
Yours Unfaithfully:
The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
First Lord of the Treasury
Minister for the Civil Service
Leader of the Conservative Party
Member of Parliament for Witney
Descendant of King William IV
Raised in Peasemore, Berkshire by father Ian, a stockbroker, and mother Mary Fleur, a retired Justice of the Peace.
Eton College at the age of 13
First class degree in Philosophy, Politics & Economics (PPE) at Oxford
Brasenose College, Oxford, from which I graduated in 1988 with a first-class honours degree.
An in-depth report has been received from League of Mental Men unpaid ace reporter and retired baby-sitter assessment specialist Danny Soz.
Ophelia Payne (17), the part-time caretaker of the NHS ‘Happy House Insane Asylum’, Nottinghamshire, has notified the local paper through Danny, that a third Nottingham man has had to be admitted for his own safety, suffering from Politically Obsessive-compulsive Disorder Complex with split-personality suicidal traits.
She expects that more sufferers in the Nottingham area may well yet be uncovered. All of the current patients were over the years known to have supported, voted for or donated to the Lib-Dem party.
This new mental disorder, has now been diagnosed and been named ‘Cleggitus’.
It was soon discovered that all of the new patients were found to have voted for the Lib-Dems in last local elections, after the Coalition was formed. A horrific thought, but it has been proven that each one avtually did vote for the Lib-Dems.
Mr Mike Steedenski (45) of the Institute of Political Idiocy commented: “This Cleggitus is proving to be a devil to identify and even harder to eradicate. Let’s face it, it you had voted for the Lib-Dems and then saw the turncoats aid and abet the Cameron led shower of nepotistic scum-bags and nihilists to wage more war, kill off the NHS and attack the proletariat like never before… you wouldn’t want to shout about it would you? But these pillocks did!”
Mr Steedenski took a pause, passed wind, scratched his anus and continued: “Sorry about that, I get carried away you know. What treatment we can actually give to these imbeciles we have not yet worked out. But we must for their own sakes keep them out of harm’s way if we can.”
The telephone rang, and he jumped nervously, twitched, spat on the floor then carried on: “My staff here at the Institute are working on trying to locate the other three twerps who we know voted Lib-Dem in Nottingham, and offer them Sanity Tests and delousing facilities!”
Mr Steedenski went into a trance-like state, took out a penny whistle and blew into it, then slowly came back to reality and added: “We are also making trial medications available for these poor pathetic people. These can be ingested via a dummy, or tear-gas capsules as we think this might help them… or not. Some specialists think that an unlimited supply of alcoholic beverages for them might help. Of course this might encourage the people of Nottingham to vote Lib-Dem, and we don’t want do we?”
“Well thank you very much Doctor!” I said.
“Doctor? Me?… no no no… Am I?”
He disappeared into a toilet, and came out wearing a Superman costume and left the room, shouting “Pickled Walnuts!” loudly.
I was confused.
But this was soon rectified when a stout Doctor entered the room, and apologised for Mr Steedenski’s behaviour, explaining that he was in reality one of the patients taken into the Institute who had voted Lib-Dem in the past.
He introduced himself as Dr Gaztop Bonebreaker, and leant down towards my face and said: “If you want to take it any further you can, but I cannot guarantee your health if you do see?”
Permission was granted for Inchcock to blog this dictionary to prevent him from sulking, going off and feeding the pigeons and catching Histoplasmosis and getting himself all depressed again
Amarulence: (Bitterness, spite)
How politicians think of the voters.
Aphnology: (The study of wealth)
What Politicians are preoccupied and obsessed with.
Back-hander: (A bribe or illegal inducement)
Only the very new, or the two honest MP’s already in Parliament would not know what this means.
Bank: (Depository, Investment firm, trust company, A business establishment in which money is kept for saving or commercial purposes or is invested.)
Where politicians prefer not to store their ill-gotten back-handers and bribes, preferring to use Overseas investment accounts.
Barclay’s Bank:
The company who has 35 paid advisor’s from within the ranks of MPs and their family members. (Like Ffion Hague, William Hague’s wife) amongst our MP’s and their relatives, thus getting rescued financially whenever they need to be – Barclay’s is made up of two ‘Clusters’: Retail and Business Banking, and Corporate and Investment Banking and Wealth Management, each of which has a number of Business Units, and bribes official’s of the Government with ease.)
Bifurcated: (Divided into two branches, paths)
Descriptive of the current Liberal Democrat Party
Bribery: (An illegal or underhand inducement)
Only the very new, or the two honest MP’s in Parliament would not know what this means, or be an active participant in bribery.
Businesses: (Commercial, industrial, or professional dealings)
What Britain used to own and run in the UK.
Chrematomania: (Obsession with money)
A disease that grips MP’s the instant they make their first expense fiddling claim. It is considered one of the essential components of the psyche of anyone applying to become a candidate for election in the UK.
Cimmerian: (Very dark; gloomy)
The future for the UK when the Coalition Government took power, it is even darker now for the proletariat, but the Etonites and rich are doing well.
Commendaces: (Funeral orations, Prayers for the dead)
Emotions and impending activity regarding the Liberal Democrat Party
Compassion: (Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it)
Conservative MP’s need not concern themselves with this word or its interpretation; they’ll never need or understand it. Labour members do use this emotion, although of course they are not genuine feelings. One person backs up this theory: Tony Blair.
Decency: (Conformity to prevailing standards of propriety or modesty)
Coalition MP’s need not concern themselves with this word either, they’ll never need or understand it.
Deleterious: (Harmful effect, injurious to others)
The effect that Coalition MP’s lies about VAT increases, and cutbacks have on the proletariat. MPs enjoy being deleterious.
Empleomania: (Insatiable urge to hold public office)
A disease that all future MP’s are born with, a more common word for it is Greed.
Europe: (The area of the globe that has three countries in it that Britain has notbeen to war with, Luxembourg, Switzerland and Morocco. The sixth largest continent, extending west from the Dardanelles, Black Sea, andUral Mountains. It is technically a vast peninsula of the Eurasian landmass)
Rolls-Royce was bought by Germany’s Volkswagen Group in 1998 as part of a £430million deal.
Expenses:
This does bringeth forth great joy to the nepotistic MP’s and their bank balances – Something spent to attain a goal or accomplish a purpose.
Foreigners: (Persons born in or coming from a country other than one’s own)
MPs like these people, and help them by selling off the UKs assets to them. Here are a few: The UK’s most prestigious marquees, Rolls Royce and Bentley, have been respectively owned by BMW and Volkswagen since 1998. – Ford bought Land Rover while MG Rover was sold first to the Phoenix Consortium for a tenner before being rescued from administration by the Chinese Nanjing Automobile Group in 2005. – Ford had purchased Jaguar in 1990, but sold it along with Land Rover to India’s Tata Motors in 2008. – Last year, a survey conducted by the trade magazine The Grocer and the research firm Nielsen found that of the biggest 180 biggest grocery brands in the UK, just 44 are home-owned. – HP brown sauce was the inspiration of Frederick Gibson Garton, a Nottingham grocer in the late 19th Century. In June 2005 the brand became part of the Heinz empire. Heinz itself was purchased earlier this year by Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway and the Brazilian global investment fund 3G Capital. – Japanese firm Mizkan who, by the way, already owned Sarsons Vinegar and Hayward’s Pickled Onions, purchased Branston Pickle. – Britain’s other large confectioner Rowntree Mackintosh, founded in York in 1862, was bought by the Swiss conglomerate Nestle in 1988. – Scottish & Newcastle Brewery was jointly purchased by Heineken of The Netherlands and Carlsberg of Denmark. – Britain’s biggest bank is HSBC – the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation. – There is nothing more British than Tetley Tea, which is owned by Indian conglomerate Tata. – Selfridges, the Oxford Street department store was purchase by the Canadian Weston family. – British Gas and British Telecom were flogged too, followed by British Airways, British Rail and British Steel. It was a signal that the UK was open for business, and we’ve never looked back. Soon our big companies were also being auctioned to the highest bidders, and that meant that it was often foreigners doing the s-h-o-p-p-i-n-g. ICI, Rolls-Royce and P&O were among the crown jewels that went into overseas hands. The list goes on and on. Now more than 48% of the UK’s listed firms are foreign owned.
But this does not seem to bother the MPs of the UK?
Hamartithia: (Being likely to make a mistake)
A word that the existence of was denied by Margaret Thatcher, then Tony Blair, and every MP since!
Honour: (Personal integrity)
Absolute mystery to MP’s.
Honesty: (Truthfulness, sincerity)
An affliction with some of the proletariat voters, that as yet has not affected politicians at all.
Imperturbation: (Freedom from agitation of mind – calmness – quietude)
Over the years the MPs have cunningly covered their tracks and protected themselves from prosecution for their wrong-doings and lying. So this word is a perfect word to describe the MPs themselves.
Industry: (Refers to the production of an economic good [either material or a service] within an economy)
Manufacturing bases/companies, like we used to have in Britain, car builders, lace manufacturers, shipbuilding, fishing fleets galore, and the likes, now gone! (See Foreigners)
Lying: (Telling fibs)
Without doubt ever increasing proliferations as this word is used more and more, it is rampant throughout our MPs and Government ministers, mind you, they do it as well if not better than many other countries representatives.
Morals: (Personal or cultural values, codes of conduct)
The decline of this words meaning has been falling for a couple of years now – not in Parliament of course, it’s been missing and ignored in there for many more donkey’s years!
Mumpsimus: (A view stubbornly held even when proven to be wrong)
This word was created at the conception of Members of Parliament, and has been present in every Minister of the Governments since!
Nepotism: (Favouritism granted to relatives or friends regardless of merit)
A natural instinct inbred into politicians over the years.
Nonentity: (A person regarded as being of no importance or significance)
An unemployed voter, a member of the proletariat, an NHS patient, an elderly mugged person.
Occulcation: (Act of treading on or trampling underfoot)
A treatment so enjoyed being dished out to the uneducated masses from MP’s
Offshore Accounts:
An essential requirement for all MP’s, even those two who are not on the fiddle. (An investment/ savings bank located outside the country of residence of the depositor, typically in a low tax jurisdiction or tax haven] that provides financial and legal advantages. These advantages typically include: Greater privacy, Bank secrecy, low or no taxation [i.e. tax havens] easy access to deposits (at least in terms of regulation), protection against local political or financial instability.
For further guidance please contact William Hague, David Cameron, Tony Blair, George (‘orrible) Osborne, Gordon Brown, or any of the other fiddling gits!)
Parliament: (A legislature)
A place where MP’s can get up to £500 an hour for attending, subsidised meals, ask questions for money, fiddle their expenses, get their heads down, and vote to give themselves more money.
Personal Assistant: (A well paid slave)
MP’s can have as many of these as they like, and claim for them on expenses. MP’s with a slightly different taste in assistants like Willie Hague and his entourage of male helpers, Lucien, Damien, Tarquin, and Nigella, often utilised the Grand hotel bedroom for consultations, advice, and foible comparisons with them. I’ll miss Hague’s affairs.
Pugnacious: (Argumentative)
MPs will argue black is blue with the most placid of people.
Quiescent: (Inactive or still, dormant)
The hopes of the Liberal Democrat Party
Slubberdegullion: (An unemployed person – Riffraff, a slobbering foul individual, a worthless sloven, a pigpen, a jeeter, a tramp, an uncouth slob)
Any MP.
Tatterdemalion: (Anyone who earns less than £50,000 a year – Someone who lives in the gutter and whose only function on this planet is to serve as a warning to others)
Impecunious voters.
Tyrannicide: (Killing of a tyrant)
A wish that many hope will happen to Coalition Ministers.
Venality: (The condition of being susceptible to bribery or corruption, the use of a position of trust for dishonest gain)
An unavoidable and untreatable foible of Government Ministers and MP’s.
Voter: (One who casts a vote for or against something)
I am a lifelong member and active supporter of the Conservative party, is indeed Mater, Pater and Nanny Amelia were.
I envisage the only way for us to gain a foothold in the Socialist untermensch voting areas, is the bourgeoisification of the lower order of the species.
I am aware that this concept may seem revolutionary in certain quarters. Please allow me to annotate my ideas further with appurtenance.
As we are all apprehend, the apathetic unindustrious benefit seeking majority of the Labour voters, are quiet content as long as they can obtain their Child Benefits, their pints and afford the odd bet at the bookmakers, these things go as said naturally.
What the gorgeously delicious Mr Cameron is failing to do, is to recognise the importance of these factors. It is essential that new false promises are advanced and presented to the proletariat with great extemporaneousness.
Suggestions compiled, I agree with a certain captiousness, by my local Conservative Appreciation Society here in East London:
* At the voting booths, we could offer vouchers for anyone voting Tory, for a free pint of lager, ale whatever it’s called. (Nothing to do with the delectable and Honourable George Gideon Oliver Osborne, having shares in three brewery’s).
* Hand-out a ‘Join Barclays Bank now, and get a free £1.50 voucher to use against any future mortgage applied for though Barclays.’ (Nothing to do with eleven MPs or their family members being paid ‘Advisors’ to Barclays whatever).
We appreciate that the kind Mr Cameron is already in the process of dismantling the police force and the NHS, and agree that both are a luxury that the plebians do not appreciate. But are we as a party making this plain to the scum masses? We really ought to be putting advertisements in the Daily Mirror, informing the unemployed and illegal immigrants that by our reducing the size of the police service can only be to their benefit. They can now steal, mug, rob and riot etc with so much more ease and far less risk of ever being caught! Thus encouraging those with a vote, to vote Conservative?
I hope these suggestions are adopted and they encourage many of the educationally lesser endowed morons to use their vote for their own benefit.
The magnanimous, pulchritudinous personage of our beloved David William Donald (The Wonder-man) Cameron
Dear Reader,
I have been perturbed lately about the state of health of our beloved unelected Prime Minister, The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron. Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Minister for the Civil Service and First Lord of the Treasury, Leader of the Conservative Party, Member of the Cabinet Privy, Council European Council.Salary £148,000 (annual, including £67,060 MP’s salary)
One of his modest homes in Oxford
Mail on Sunday’s disclosure that he paid off the £75,000 mortgage on the £1.5 million home in North Kensington, London that he owns with his wife Samantha, after they took out a £350,000 taxpayer-funded HSBC mortgage on his designated Oxfordshire constituency second home. For his part, Cameron claimed he was able to pay off the mortgage on his London home by selling shares. While within the rules, this is precisely the kind of financial jiggery-pokery for which other MPs have been criticised in recent weeks.
Gossip… just gossip – It’s only been badly mauled that’s all!
But he is still open to the charge that someone who’s clearly worth a few bob was ‘playing’ the system by claiming more than £21,200 from taxpayers in 2005-6, for the mortgage interest paid on his constituency home.
It has been suggested that he could have saved the taxpayer thousands of pounds if he had put the money from the sale of his shares towards his constituency property – a large and comfortable country house – which he bought eight years ago for £650,000. Especially as it is now worth in the region of £1.8million, giving him a substantial paper profit.
Imagine his delight when his eldest son, Arthur, a stockbroker, married Steffie Cooper, a cousin of the Royal Family. This union provides Cameron’s link to the ‘Mad’ King George III, an ancestor he shares with the Queen (his fifth cousin once removed).
The line of ancestors down from these wealthy figures continues through the City. Both Cameron’s grandfather, also called Ewen, who died in 1958 leaving £57,000 (around £1.6million in today’s money), and his father Ian, a former High Sheriff of Berkshire, were stockbrokers.
Odd how some of the troops are given him odd looks innit?
Now he has the added problem of who to send our troops to attack next.
All this must be causing him concern.
Therefore, I think the nice gentleman would appreciate a little support from the electorate who didn’t vote him into office.
So last month, I started an appeal for gifts and support for him.
I’ve had to cancel the appeal due to ill health.
Cyanide capsules – are you the donor?
I’ve managed to send back to the donors, the gas canisters, crossbow, letter-bombs, pipe-bombs, the poisonous ball point hypodermic pen, the exploding cigar, the handkerchief gift box teeming with deadly bacteria, and the poisoned bottle of Cameron’s Whisky.
Unfortunately, the trained assassination budgerigar escaped.
Address of donor required please
If the people/person who sent in the C4 could kindly contact me with his/her/their address, I can return it along with the Cyanide capsules sent in.
Nottingham’s next ‘Support for David Cameron is Essential’ association meeting, will take place at in the old BT Telephone box outside the Savoy Hotel, next Wednesday at 1755 hrs.
As sent in to us by Gerald Inchcock Chambers (67), currently of The Upper Denture Care Home (Manure Cupboard), The Shed, Top end of Nottingham’s Central Cemetery, Between the graffiti’d Gravestone of Isaiah Milligan and the burnt out Ford Consul Classic at the back of the ice-cream van.
The odd MP will be a Europhile,
The odd MP will be antimissile,
The odd MP will be a bibliophile,
The odd MP will be like a crocodile,
The odd MP will be a homophile,
The odd MP will be erstwhile,
The odd MP will be infantile,
The odd MP will be infertile
The odd MP will be very hostile,
The odd MP will be a paedophile,
The odd MP will be unsterile,
The odd MP will be a technophile,
The odd MP will be versatile,
The odd MP will be unfertile,
The odd MP will be docile,
The odd MP will be verbally agile,
The odd MP will be extremely virile,
The odd MP will be volatile,
The odd MP will be worthwhile,
The odd MP will be invirile,
The odd MP will be fertile,
The odd MP will be a gentile,
The odd MP will be juvenile,
The odd MP will be socially vile.
All MP’s behaviour can bring up your bile,
All MP’s behaviour are full of guile
All MP’s behaviour can make you can only revile,
All MP’s behaviour can be often in denial,
All MP’s behaviour can be often puerile,
All MP’s behaviour can be often futile,
All MP’s behaviour can can make you think ‘Is it all worthwhile?’
MP’s all have a false misleading, PR made profile,
Depicting them as being honest, with a pleasant lifestyle,
Despite their nepotism, nihilism, and fiddling, all the while,
For their crimes of fiddling, and lying and acting purile,
They rarely face prosecution; hardly ever do they get to trial!
This morning, after he’d filed away the just delivered overdue Gas Bill red letter, took his medications and applied his antiseptic creams, he had another attack of bemusing mental meanderings, which came to him while he was picking his nose, having his breakfast, short dated B&M porridge, eight cups of strong tea. This is the outcome; I hope you can understand where the nitwit intended it to come from, and what he intended to imply and indicate, what his mental musings might have meant.
If so please us know. Please post your comments to Sheridan Chygrynsky SRN, C/O Nottingham’s Ex-Gaslamplighters Asylum Shed, Oil Leak Lane, Nottingham.
His breakfast musings…
I sat in my decaying hovel, tea and porridge for breakfast,
I thought of Politicians, and I felt so aghast,
They seem to have had their compassion genes bypassed,
They avoid punishment for fiddling like mental gymnasts,
They’ve become a superior, pampered, political caste,
Their pay, compared to my £120 weekly pension, what a contrast,
No wonder I sometimes get feeling somewhat downcast,
Their ability to lie and cheat continues to flabbergast,
So many pulling nepotistic strings, and not being unmasked,
They’ll continue to look after themselves first, I forecast,
Even new ones learn how to fiddle very fast,
How long can their cheating and lying last?,
Their greed, and ego, cannot be surpassed!
For the extraordinary phenomenal situation of one finding a Politician who does not have any of the following traits: Nepotism, Greed, Aloofness, Indifference, Covetousness, Insensitivity, or being Self-centred – Please offer him or her, your sympathy, for they must feel so very isolated and lonely in Parliament.
