Ophelia Payne (17), the part-time caretaker of the NHS ‘Happy House Insane Asylum’, Nottinghamshire, has notified the local paper through Danny, that a third Nottingham man has had to be admitted for his own safety, suffering from Politically Obsessive-compulsive Disorder Complex with split-personality suicidal traits.
She expects that more sufferers in the Nottingham area may well yet be uncovered. All of the current patients were over the years known to have supported, voted for or donated to the Lib-Dem party.
This new mental disorder, has now been diagnosed and been named ‘Cleggitus’.
It was soon discovered that all of the new patients were found to have voted for the Lib-Dems in last local elections, after the Coalition was formed. A horrific thought, but it has been proven that each one avtually did vote for the Lib-Dems.
Mr Mike Steedenski (45) of the Institute of Political Idiocy commented: “This Cleggitus is proving to be a devil to identify and even harder to eradicate. Let’s face it, it you had voted for the Lib-Dems and then saw the turncoats aid and abet the Cameron led shower of nepotistic scum-bags and nihilists to wage more war, kill off the NHS and attack the proletariat like never before… you wouldn’t want to shout about it would you? But these pillocks did!”
Mr Steedenski took a pause, passed wind, scratched his anus and continued: “Sorry about that, I get carried away you know. What treatment we can actually give to these imbeciles we have not yet worked out. But we must for their own sakes keep them out of harm’s way if we can.”
The telephone rang, and he jumped nervously, twitched, spat on the floor then carried on: “My staff here at the Institute are working on trying to locate the other three twerps who we know voted Lib-Dem in Nottingham, and offer them Sanity Tests and delousing facilities!”
Mr Steedenski went into a trance-like state, took out a penny whistle and blew into it, then slowly came back to reality and added: “We are also making trial medications available for these poor pathetic people. These can be ingested via a dummy, or tear-gas capsules as we think this might help them… or not. Some specialists think that an unlimited supply of alcoholic beverages for them might help. Of course this might encourage the people of Nottingham to vote Lib-Dem, and we don’t want do we?”
“Well thank you very much Doctor!” I said.
“Doctor? Me?… no no no… Am I?”
He disappeared into a toilet, and came out wearing a Superman costume and left the room, shouting “Pickled Walnuts!” loudly.
But this was soon rectified when a stout Doctor entered the room, and apologised for Mr Steedenski’s behaviour, explaining that he was in reality one of the patients taken into the Institute who had voted Lib-Dem in the past.
He introduced himself as Dr Gaztop Bonebreaker, and leant down towards my face and said: “If you want to take it any further you can, but I cannot guarantee your health if you do see?”