Nottingham Police Commissioner Steedenski Demoted!

15th October 201415th October 2014 / Inchie / 9 Comments

Shock report from unpaid WordPress reporter Juan Inchcock (68) via champion ace carrier pigeon (Gaylord 2nd) just received in the loft of Inchcock Times Daily Gazette by editor Clivey-boy. Who despite there being no proof that the story is genuine, has decided to run with it. (Straight to the Sun. Where he sold it for a quick profit and bought Juan Inchcock a packet of Microwave sausage in payment).

Juan managed to try and interview Mr Steedenski as he came out of Police headquarters immediately after losing his job and asked him:

“I understand you’ve lost your position as Nottingham’s Police Commissioner Mr Steedenski? And after only two weeks in the job too?”

Mr Steedenski kept ultra calm in the face of this tigerish reporter’s questions. He clouted him around the head and replied:

“Little do you know Da da da, da da mate! I have not been sacked at all, I just wanted a change of duties that’s all mush!” He poked Juan in his left eye and pulled him one side down an alley…

When the ambulance arrived Juan was still in a state of shock and couldn’t recall exactly how he’s got the bruised ribs, black eyes or the inserted truncheon.

Being a rather persistent type of pillock; when he was released from the Queens Medical Centre Juan continued his quest for the truth and located himself outside the ex-commissioner’s home, and awaited his arrival so he could again attempt to interview him.

Three days later the postman saw Juan’s prostrate body in the bushes, dehydrated and called for an ambulance.

As they waited a barely conscious Juan asked the Postman Churchy if he had missed Mr Steedenski’s arrival. Mr Churchy told him he had got the wrong house, Mr Steedenski lived four houses up the avenue. He also questioned the parentage of Juan.

When Juan was released from the Queens Medical Centre he again ensconced himself in the grounds of Mr Steedenski’s real house though this time, and planned his entrapment of the ex-commissioner.

The commissioners wife came out of the house and cunningly smiled as she kneed him in the groin area, rammed his left arm up his back then dragged him into the mansion and deposited him unceremoniously in one of the state rooms, where Mr Steedenski was relaxing watching some women’s beach volley ball on his 46 inch screened television.

“Here Mike” she said to her husband “I found this lurking about outside near the Rhododendrons.” With that she flicked Juan around his ear-hole passed wind and left.

Mr Steedenski laying in a luxurious chair with his feet up on pouf, glanced at Juan and said: “Alright mush, I can see yer ain’t gonna give up… I’ll tell yer the story.”

This perked Juan up, and he whipped out his pencil and pad.

“Truth is I was getting well fed up with taking all that responsibility and I asked em if I could become a Traffic Warden instead of Police Commissioner!”

Juan looked a little confused.

“But” he added “With a bit more power like. Having the gun with me will help me to sort out the scumbag idiots who park in disabled bays yer see. And the wife can show me how to use the weapon safely and accurately like.”

Juan was still confused.

Mr Steedenski reached over his glass of champagne and picked up a photo of himself when he tried out his new uniform earlier in the day.

His wife returned into the room and asked Mr Steedenski if they were going to let this misshaped hapless reporter to leave or are they going to arrange for his disappearance like.

The fact that she was carrying a Glock pistol, and then pointed it at Juan with a knowing smile on her face concerned him somewhat.

Her other half thought about this for a while, then said: Yer, go on gal, enjoy yerself.

Juan immediately went into begging and pleading mode…

To no avail!

Cameron’s Letter to Agony Aunt (Updated)

15th October 201415th October 2014 / Inchie / 2 Comments

Agony Aunt for the ‘Lesser Endowed Gentlemen’s Weekly Gazette’

Dear Gertrude,

The constant voices in my head are forever chattering away, it’s driving me decidedly crazy.

I even questioned my own brilliance, cunning and competency last week. A rare lapse in my usual superlatively confident personality.

I prefer not to mention this to my Harley Street Doctor, as I hold a rather important position. Perhaps I am concerned because I got the job through skulduggery illegal and unethical means?

Luckily my only genuine competitor for the job, is unfit and far too lacking in spirit, ideas and gusto.

Perhaps I have lost a little edge though lack of genuine competition?

Although UKIP seem to be doing well and starting to cause me a slight cause for concern.

But my overseas investment and offshore accounts have increased exponentially due to the backhanders from my lodge member friends who I am slowly and stealthily selling off the NHS to. No problems there.

I would prefer it of you did not mention or reveal the contents of this letter.

If you can help me with my problem Gertrude, I can assure you of a liaison of a physical nature with any of the members of my cabinet, a handsome cash reward via their expense claims, and a new caravan in Chelsea.

Yours Unfaithfully:

The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

First Lord of the Treasury

Minister for the Civil Service

Leader of the Conservative Party

Member of Parliament for Witney

Descendant of King William IV

Raised in Peasemore, Berkshire by father Ian, a stockbroker, and mother Mary Fleur, a retired Justice of the Peace.

Eton College at the age of 13

First class degree in Philosophy, Politics & Economics (PPE) at Oxford

Brasenose College, Oxford, from which I graduated in 1988 with a first-class honours degree.

Git with Distinction

10 Downing Street, London SW1A 2AA

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 14th October 2014

15th October 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

Up at 0400hrs WC.

G.U.M. clinic appointment at the City Hospital today 1040hrs.

No blood from the ‘Inch’ at all but by gum (G.U.M.?) it was swollen sore and tender!

Made cuppa and took medications then did a bit of Internetting.

Had good scrub down and got read for me trip to City G.U.M. Hospital Clinic.

I called in the launderette on the way and told Big John and Mandie about me visit to the City Hospital preventing my doing me laundry, I’ll have to do it tomorrow if possible. Gave em a laugh yer know.

Caught bus to the clinic, walked in and saw the reception bloke and tool a seat in the ‘Mens Waiting Area’ after filling in a form that needed to know everything it seemed to me.

Started to read me book, but by the time I’d read a few pages, a young looking female doctor came and introduced herself. Then took me through to a little office for interrogation.

I gave her the letter from me Doctor and she perused it, then started with the questions about my sexuality, habits and history.

We then walked into a tiny treatment room, she told me to dropped em and sit on the bench awaiting her return. I did.

She put a light over me ‘Inch’ and got down to examine it – a smile curled onto her face for just a fleeting second, but she managed not to laugh bless her.

If it was so swollen with the infection and was its usual size I think she might have laughed though?

She was concerned about the swelling and fungal infection and asked questions about how I managed things. Without too much difficulty I answered.

She put a paper towel over me ‘Inch’ and left the room to consult with a colleague.

She returned.

They had decided to give me some Miconazole Steroid Nitrate (How much does it cost for the day-rate I thought hehehe) Hydrocortisone cream.

She departed and told me a nurse would come and give the cream and instructions to me.

I pulled up me trews and waited.

The nurse came in, very nice personality too, and told me to apply the cream morning and night after washing the ‘Inch’, and how much to use. The cream Brand name Daktacort must be kept in a fridge between applications. This was vital she said.

She said it should last for 2 weeks, but if things don’t begin to improve after a week I was to return to them.

“I bet that the sting and cold will wake me up in a morning? “I said to her: “Oh yes it will” she replied smiling.

I thanked her ad made me way to the bus-stop.

Dropped off in Carrington and nipped in and bought some ham and a tomatoe fer me tea/dinner/lunch/supper.

I got into the flea-pit without any signs of yobs.

Put the Daktacort cream in the fridge, and took some thins out of the fridge to defrost, and put a pack of seaweed in me bag ready for the morning to nibble at the launderette.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I walk cough or bend down?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.

Several times I had to use the kitchen towels and this scared me for a while. Couldn’t or dare not go to sleep for hours as I had to keep cleaning myself up and hoping it would stop, which eventually it did. But I couldn’t settle and kept checking.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I cough?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.