Arboretum Pond-side Cafe – Under New Management


The Original Arboretum Pond-side Cafe

Juan Inchcock, retired Gas Lamp Light Wick Trimmer and Ace unpaid reporter for the WordPress Gazette brings you all the details of this fascinating move in management of the Arboretum Pond-side Cafe.

The Pond-side Cafe situated in the picturesque crime ridden Nottingham Arboretum has been bought out by the waitress Shirley Makeyouache.

This transaction was prompted by the three owners no longer being able to give the time to the business that they would have liked.

Mr Gaz-tops is investing his time in writing his first book ‘My Part in the Great Train Robbery and the Brink’s Affair’.

Mr Clivey-boy was unavailable for comment when we tried to approach him, but the desk officer expected him to released on bail later that day.

Mr Churchy is to devote more of his time a volunteer care worker at the ‘Guidance for Young Ladies Institute’.

Mr Steeden has decided to stand for Parliament as an independent under the banner of ‘If yer can’t beat em, join em campaign.’ We understand he is using what monies raised in the sale to buy poison gas and armaments?

We found Ms Makeyouache at the local boys youth club where she is a part-time volunteer ‘Prospects Potential Assessor’ for the lads. She granted us an interview:

Juan: “Good morning Ms Makeyouache, could you tell us about how this change in ownership and management came about please?”


Ms Makeyouache

Ms Makeyouache put down the young lad she was assessing and replied: “Yes, when I was the part-time waitress there I always thought that the bosses were not fully committed to the enterprise. Every day they had deliveries from unmarked white transit vans by drivers with nervous ticks. The goods they were bringing were in large plastic bags of white powder. I was unsure if it was salt or sugar. When they got me weighing out half ounces and putting it in little bags, I knew something was amiss. Naturally I breathed in some of the powder and I liked it.”

Juan: “Was this drugs then?”

Ms Makeyouache: “Who cared?”

Juan: “I see?”

Ms Makeyouache: “I started slipping a bit of the stuff away fer meself like, and it soon added up. Then I flogged it off cheaper than wot that lot were doin’ like see?”

Juan: “You seem to be changing into using a local Nottingham accent Ms Makeyouache?”

Ms Makeyouache: “Sorry about that, it’s the lads at the club you know… I pick up no end of stuff from them!”

She looked Juan up and down and smiled at him, then continued: “You’ve got to blend in. Anyroad… I mean anyway, I decided that it was wrong of me to sell these abdominal drugs and with the cash I’d raised I bought them out and got control of the Cafe.”

Juan: “So, what changes are you planning on Ms Makeyouache?”

Ms Makeyouache: “A few new recipes on the menu of course can be expected with extra.. er salt and sugar perhaps?” She gave a knowing look at Juan and asked him if he had considered working in a cafe, because there could be several benefits for him!


CCTV snip of the altercation

She loosened her tank-top and broke into a smile a man could have died for than added: “Well? Answer me you nelly faced burke!”

Juan stammered out something about having to leave. After he apologised Ms Makeyouache lowered him back to the floor and released her hold on his neck.

An altercation ensued.

A one sided altercation ensued.

Juan passed out and an ambulance was called for.

More to follow when they release Juan from the hospital.

Inchcock Today: Friday 17th October 2014


Jumped wide awake again around 0420hrs.


I came down to the fridge to use the deadly Daktacort cream on my poor little tender ‘Inch’. He bled a bit again, but not as bad as last night. Surely it should start soon to bleed much less? If it carries on I might go back to the G.U.M. Clinic on Monday. Mind you, maybe not Monday I’ve got me QMC Warfarin INR level checks and GP appointment. Busy little me. I must point out to my doctor about me ribs seem to be sticking out more and I’m losing meat and weight from around me ribs? Mind you I’ve wanted to lose weight for a while, but now it seems to be dropping off despite my eating more than I have been?

Went back upstairs to find me mobile phone… well a search of all the usual places failed to find it and I was getting annoyed with myself.

I tried the old trick of doing something else to see if it worked.

I took out the rubbish to the bins in readiness for the arrival of the Waste Control Technicians.

Then carried out another search for the mobile – no luck.

Sneezing now! Huh!

Gave up the search and got dressed proper like… the mobile was found in me trouser pocket!

Down again and started the laptop (Still so slow I think the end is nigh?)

Medications and a cuppa taken, then the search for me reading glasses took place…

Found em within 39 minutes, naturally I had left them in my shopping bag???

05f03I did some blogging done and went on Facebook. Meritt Hutton had posted a site that tells you which car you should be driving after a few questions being answered.

I tried it. Mine came up with a Ford Model T!

Did some more Facebooking and blog reading got yesterdays Diary finished and posted off the Inchcock blog.

Closed down the laptop and went up to prettify myself. Not a good session, the ‘Inch’ started bleeding again, I cut missen shaving and banged me head on the sink when I bent down to pick up the razor I’d dropped because me finger were stiffening on their own again. It’s a life innit? Tsk!

I got the things ready to take to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, made sure I’d got me glasses, hearing aids in, mobile phone with me and bus-pass, and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

About half way there, I thought the sky was looking beautiful, dark but beautiful and decided to take a photo of it and got the camera box out of me bag – me Empty camera box out of me bag! Double Tsk!

Ah well… I plodded on and handed in me donations at the Hospice shop then crossed the road to catch an Arnold bus to get some ready meals from Asda.

I got on the bus, and fell asleep, waking up to find the driver informing me “This is as far as we go mate!”

I red facedly got off the bus and wondered where the hell I was!

I walked through the estate hopefully in the right direction and came to a T-junction – left or right I had to decide – why is there never anyone around when you want to ask directions?

The road was almost at the top of the crest of a hill, and I knew Front Street was low in comparison with the surrounding area, so I went left and walked down the hill. Good job it was all downhill too!

After about half a mile or so I recognised the area I was walking into and knew if I kept straight on for a couple of miles I’d come into Arnold Front Street.

Not having been down that road for years, it brought back some memories to me to muse on as I hobbled along. I enjoyed the walk actually.

By the time I got to Asda, me feet were really stinging summat rotten, but the arthritis was amazingly not too bad at all?

I called in Asda and had a poddle round getting a Cumberland pie a Sweet potato and carrot Shepherds pie and a thick-sliced wheatmeal loaf on special offer.

I caught a bus back to Carrington – trying to make sure I didn’t fall asleep again and rang the bell to get off at Church Drive but the driver couldn’t have heard it… or I didn’t press it right? So I pressed it again and he did let me off at the next stop bless him.

I fed the birds en route and got into the dump and put the nosh away (Seeing the Daktacort cream lying there silently mocking me made me cringe a bit. Heh) and I made a cup of char.

Started the laptop to do this rubbish for the blog.

I searched the web to try and find a route map for the 57 bus so I could doctor it and made a graphic of where I had to walk due to me nodding off again.


I’m struggling with me fingers today, hard to type with accuracy.

I think tonight I’ll have curried beans and sausages with loads of bread – followed by an iced lolly or two!

I bet nihilist Cameron isn’t gonna eat any better?

It was horrible! (The food… well the food and Nepotist Cameron really Hehe)

I took me medications and tended to my ‘Inch’ – less blood tonight.

Noticed bruises all down both my shins?