Arboretum Pond-side Cafe – Under New Management


The Original Arboretum Pond-side Cafe

Juan Inchcock, retired Gas Lamp Light Wick Trimmer and Ace unpaid reporter for the WordPress Gazette brings you all the details of this fascinating move in management of the Arboretum Pond-side Cafe.

The Pond-side Cafe situated in the picturesque crime ridden Nottingham Arboretum has been bought out by the waitress Shirley Makeyouache.

This transaction was prompted by the three owners no longer being able to give the time to the business that they would have liked.

Mr Gaz-tops is investing his time in writing his first book ‘My Part in the Great Train Robbery and the Brink’s Affair’.

Mr Clivey-boy was unavailable for comment when we tried to approach him, but the desk officer expected him to released on bail later that day.

Mr Churchy is to devote more of his time a volunteer care worker at the ‘Guidance for Young Ladies Institute’.

Mr Steeden has decided to stand for Parliament as an independent under the banner of ‘If yer can’t beat em, join em campaign.’ We understand he is using what monies raised in the sale to buy poison gas and armaments?

We found Ms Makeyouache at the local boys youth club where she is a part-time volunteer ‘Prospects Potential Assessor’ for the lads. She granted us an interview:

Juan: “Good morning Ms Makeyouache, could you tell us about how this change in ownership and management came about please?”


Ms Makeyouache

Ms Makeyouache put down the young lad she was assessing and replied: “Yes, when I was the part-time waitress there I always thought that the bosses were not fully committed to the enterprise. Every day they had deliveries from unmarked white transit vans by drivers with nervous ticks. The goods they were bringing were in large plastic bags of white powder. I was unsure if it was salt or sugar. When they got me weighing out half ounces and putting it in little bags, I knew something was amiss. Naturally I breathed in some of the powder and I liked it.”

Juan: “Was this drugs then?”

Ms Makeyouache: “Who cared?”

Juan: “I see?”

Ms Makeyouache: “I started slipping a bit of the stuff away fer meself like, and it soon added up. Then I flogged it off cheaper than wot that lot were doin’ like see?”

Juan: “You seem to be changing into using a local Nottingham accent Ms Makeyouache?”

Ms Makeyouache: “Sorry about that, it’s the lads at the club you know… I pick up no end of stuff from them!”

She looked Juan up and down and smiled at him, then continued: “You’ve got to blend in. Anyroad… I mean anyway, I decided that it was wrong of me to sell these abdominal drugs and with the cash I’d raised I bought them out and got control of the Cafe.”

Juan: “So, what changes are you planning on Ms Makeyouache?”

Ms Makeyouache: “A few new recipes on the menu of course can be expected with extra.. er salt and sugar perhaps?” She gave a knowing look at Juan and asked him if he had considered working in a cafe, because there could be several benefits for him!


CCTV snip of the altercation

She loosened her tank-top and broke into a smile a man could have died for than added: “Well? Answer me you nelly faced burke!”

Juan stammered out something about having to leave. After he apologised Ms Makeyouache lowered him back to the floor and released her hold on his neck.

An altercation ensued.

A one sided altercation ensued.

Juan passed out and an ambulance was called for.

More to follow when they release Juan from the hospital.

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